that's an excerpt from one of my stories.

[IronParrot]

From what I've heard, that's what a lot of professional authors actually do: write the framework - dialogue and action - and then fill in the gaps.

I don't do that myself, as I'm sort of a paragraph-by-paragraph perfectionist (a "basher", as Kurt Vonnegut would say), but it seems to work really well for some people.

[goodwarlord]

Did you read threw it all iron parot, if so, what was you rfavorite part, and did it all pretty much make sense to you?

[Lief Erikson]

I'll tell you, goodwarlord, when I do finish reading your story. It could take me a while though; your story is a good deal longer than all the other ones posted on this forum so far.

[goodwarlord]

ok, so make sure u tell me.

[IronParrot]

Is the little introduction (prior to the Chapter One heading) actually part of the work, or just an introduction to get us into the story? Because it does seem a little out of place. Instead of relying on an opening synopsis like that, you should reveal it within the action itself. While the "opening scroll" technique works in Star Wars as a stylistic novelist, I would advise against it in the context of a written work.

One of the reasons is that right off the bat, I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the names. You establish pretty quickly that this is on a different planet: to me, calling it "the planet of Urtins" points a bit in the sci-fi direction, and it's not until later (around chapter 5) that you use "planet" again, establishing that the characters have some consciousness of worlds besides this one.

“It will be I, Tegron. I have been on this planet for eight hundred years, It is my time, and I have passed as a ruler. But if I do it, you and your men are the real heros for finding the courage to make it threw the forest. I look up to you and I will take it down.”

It takes a while for the setting to sink in, and for that society's level of civilization to be clearly established. Did you intend it to be rather sci-fi? If so, say so sooner: it's unclear, because you speak of kings and swords and mystical creatures; at the same time, you have characters speaking as if your world spans several planets. I think it's an interesting idea to juxtapose the two, which was certainly successfully done by Star Wars (was that one of your influences?), but you want to lay down the setting in Chapter One. Don't wait.

Right now, it feels a bit muddled. What you might want to do is space it out a bit. Don't overload the reader with too many names earlier on: if the names are going to be outlandish, drill them in firmly before you add more characters or places to the fray. You've created a whole other world there, and that's a good start: now draw the reader into it, and do it right at the beginning, so he doesn't lose interest.

Also, I'm not going to nitpick here yet, but it does need a fair bit of technical proofreading here and there; that can be taken care of at your discretion, though.

[goodwarlord]

I need soem critiscm, so just read threw it, and pick out little things that need some major work k?

[Lief Erikson]

All right, I've finished reading your story now, Goodwarlord. It's pretty good, and I especially enjoyed the end . At that point, everything became more unified and understandable. The action became more fast paced at that point and ready to draw the reader along. That was my experience, anyhow.

What the work really looks like to me is a transition piece. It's a good work, but you will become better. It looks a little similar to some of my earlier writing, like the novel Siegfred's Nephew that I wrote once when I was about thirteen. It's not the best, but it's a linkage piece. If you keep writing and keep enjoying your writing like you are now, you'll do great. It's practice pieces like this one that helped me along; practice really is vital to a person's improvement in their writing, and you seem to be getting some very good practice. Keep it up .

[goodwarlord]

So you think that it was pretty good for a twelve year old?

[IronParrot]

It's a start. Keep writing (and perhaps more importantly, reading) and you'll refine it more and more.

[Lief Erikson]

Originally posted by goodwarlord
So you think that it was pretty good for a twelve year old?

I wouldn't say pretty good for a twelve year old, because people start at different times in their life. It's true that there are people who are older than twenty who can't put anything better than that together, but then there are people who developed a passion for writing when they were really, really young, and they're excellent at 12. However, I will say that it's good to see that at the age of twelve you're really thinking about these things and working at your skill. I was working at hard at writing from a young age also; younger than 12, actually. It was my fun activity; I did it for my own enjoyment. You've got a great imagination; just keep feeding it and you'll do great .