Battle - the description thereof

[Coney]

This is a battle that I've tried to describe from on omnipotent (although centered around the major characters viewpoint) POV.

I think that mass battle is one of the hardest fields of fantasy writing.............please add your own examples and critiques

*this is a WIP (work in progress) and needs to be edited for the final draft*

Tuchri steeled himself as the Falcan warriors charged across the field towards them. All around he heard mutters and gasps of unconsciously held breath as the Keerland soldiers struggled to comprehend that the thousands of black leather-clad barbarians had but one aim, their death.

The distance between them was disappearing all too quickly. The enemies distant screams of rage were closing in and the booted feet which so recklessly hurtled across the meadow were only a second behind those screams. With hands lathered in cold sweat Tuchri gripped his sword so tight his fingers became numb. He didn’t notice. A pair of eyes in that rushing mob had met his. A pair of eyes in a man who had chosen Tuchri as the one he would kill. Tuchri didn’t know this man, he knew that he never would but with a grip of fear which felt as though it would burst his heart he knew that this man would, it far too few seconds, turn his hate into a frenzied attack on his body.
Every fibre of him screamed run. But the thousands of Keerland behind him stopped any chance. Only one way to go. Forward.
The eyes were blue. The face murderously distorted as the man screamed through a spittle soaked beard. Tuchri hunched his shoulder behind his shield and clenched every muscle as the empty paces of the onrush dwindled. Twenty, ten, five.

Blueyes smashed into him and the press of Falcan followed. Tuchri did not fall, the sheer mass of men supported him. As he raked back breath into his lungs he felt his ribs groaning and threatening to snap under the pressure. Blueyes, just a head and shoulders in the compressed throng, spat and bit at his face over his shield. Hands grabbed at his waist and legs. Tuchri struggled uselessly to free his arm and sword.

Arms and shoulders pressed at his back, slowly edging him forward. Tuchri tried to resist, it was useless. Suddenly the pressure in front stopped and Tuchri lurched forward, slamming into Blueyes who grabbed his shield, pulling them both to the ground. A dozen boots crashed onto his legs and back. Blueyes, with great strength, pushed him upright onto his haunches. Jumping backwards onto his feet, Tuchri gasped as a blow from an unseen sword bit into his thigh. He lashed with his sword but could not tell who it hit, the blade remained clean. Blueyes rained blows on him, a short handled axe crashed again and again onto his shield. Tuchri, with a horrible knowing that his shield arm would brake, swung his sword high and down, he screamed as it struck and stuck.

They held each other with eyes of disbelief. Tuchri standing, Blueyes fallen onto his knees. Tuchri’s hand held his sword which had cloven through the leather, skin, flesh and collarbone of Blueyes shoulder. Instinctively he yanked back the sword and Blueyes fell as a rush of blood seemed to almost leap at Tuchri. The red gore covered his face and shoulders. Blinded by it, choking as he breathed it’s copper heat, he dropped his sword to wipe it from his eyes and mouth. A blow landed on his back, pushing him onto his belly. A scream assaulted his ears and a pain ripped its way through his shield arm. Boots once more thundered on and around him. Bile rose in his throat and nose. Choking on it he spat it into the blood soaked grass. A weight like a mountain fell on him, forcing the air from his lungs, the bile rose again but he had no wind to clear it. Slowly he felt himself drifting in darkness.

[IronParrot]

I'm not going to pick on technical details, since you said they'll obviously be edited later.

General comments: I like its frantic nature. The challenge with battle scenes is that you're painting on a large canvas, so the trick is to put all the little details together to create an overriding mood. As a reader, I got through the passage very quickly, and that's definitely the right direction you want to take it in: make it a passage that coasts along. The way I read it, I didn't catch little details about who's hitting who so much as I got the feeling that many things were happening at once, and there was a general atmosphere of fear.

The real trick, of course, is to blend in the scene with the rest of the piece. It can't seem out of place: you need to start it and finish it with some sense of flow. I obviously can't really comment on that, having only read this excerpt.

[Lief Erikson]

I definitely agree with Ironparrot about being led through the story at a fast pace . It was gripping and kept the attention. It seemed pretty realistic as well.

One thing that did jump out at me though was that the story didn't really seem to be from an omnipotent, narrative perspective.

Tuchri didn’t know this man, he knew that he never would but with a grip of fear which felt as though it would burst his heart he knew that this man would, it far too few seconds, turn his hate into a frenzied attack on his body.
Every fibre of him screamed run. But the thousands of Keerland behind him stopped any chance. Only one way to go. Forward.
The eyes were blue. The face murderously distorted as the man screamed through a spittle soaked beard. Tuchri hunched his shoulder behind his shield and clenched every muscle as the empty paces of the onrush dwindled. Twenty, ten, five.

Those are details you wouldn't really learn if it was from an omnipotent perspective, watching the main characters. We're here looking through the main character's eyes, seeing what he's seeing and feeling what he's feeling. If it was an overview, it would tell what happened to them or what appeared to be happening to them, without getting intimate with either of them. But this shows what they're thinking, as well. It'd require a double click of return to switch to another point of view after Tuchri goes down, because you can't just slide smoothly away to another part of the battle as you could in an overhead view.

However, I don't find that to be a problem with the selection . I really enjoyed it; simply wanted to point that out.

[IronParrot]

Yes, I actually preferred that level of perspective to a truly omnipotent, objective one. Make sure you keep the perspective consistent in the piece as a whole, though.

[Coney]

Thanks Lief an IP.....the actual battle itself takes place, it the story, from several different POV (all taken from the bastardised omni version as shown above)......the rest will be posted at a later date

Hopefully people will, also, post their chatacters in battle, or opinions how to describe thereof (I find this the hardest aspect to portray in my stories).

I didn't catch little details about who's hitting who so much as I got the feeling that many things were happening at once, and there was a general atmosphere of fear.

That I am pleased about......The character in that scene is merely a footsoldier......very confused and very inexperienced, that is exactly the atmosphere I was hoping to convey.

[Lief Erikson]

None of my battle scenes are short enough for me to post here- they each go on for several pages. One of them even goes on for several chapters. I suppose I could post an excerpt from one of the battles, though.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

As I've said before, I haven't written any real battle scenes. Though the book I plan to start will most likely be a battle scene. But if it is, I'd be too embarassed to post it here after reading yours. No way could I ever write one that good...

[Lief Erikson]

*Here's an excerpt from one of the battle scenes in The Uirlon Cord, my novel. This is a part of the biggest battle in the book to this point; this is the one that spans several chapters. In this battle, there are ground troops on both sides; nonmagic infantry. There are wizards on Vehla's, Carnair's and Hanarad's side. On the opposing side are infantry and merwarriors. Hanarad is the general in command of defending the inner walls of a city that's under siege.*

Vehla needed no weapon and used none, ripping apart those who attacked her, using invisible clubs of power for whatever blocking of her opponents she needed to do. She created out of thin air a half dozen razor sharp white disks and hurtled each at a separate opponent, killing four of them. The other two dodged out of the way and only received wounds.

The soldiers finally broke the back of that resistance. At the same moment, Hanarad could see the soldiers and wizards inside the citadel break through the merwarrior line they were fighting, and all the collapsing lines of their opponents were trapped in a pincer movement between the two sides.

Carnair pulled back, lowering the bloody sword he held and releasing magic. He grabbed Hanarad by the arm. "Hanarad! Our enemies have engaged our men that are getting through the gate! We must pull off from the merwarriors and let them go; we have to close those gates!"

"Wizards, close the gates!" Vehla called, but they were scattered now along the battlefront. Only two heard her, and their magic was not sufficient to cut off the press scrambling through. Bodies also were piled in about and between the gates, making the job virtually impossible.

Vehla watched helplessly as the last of Hanarad’s men came through and Baarorg’s began to pour in after them. The tide was unstoppable; he’d plainly chosen his top fighting men for the initial break through. Arrows hailing Hanarad’s men from behind the other troops rapidly thinned the ranks that they had to oppose Baarorg’s advance.

Then the infantry hit Hanarad’s men, bursting through their ranks, slashing down all who resisted.

"Stand and fight!" Hanarad cried. "Fight now or die later! Wizards, close that gate and hold it!"

His horse was nearly knocked over in the press of his men fleeing though; there was no stopping them now. A dozen of them had been killed by the infantry charge and two dozen others killed or wounded by the arrows. Baarorg’s newest force had as yet sustained no losses. Hanarad saw several explosions and blasts of flames, abruptly put out as the wizard fell with a spear thrust through his middle.

Another wizard died a moment later; two arrows were protruding from his head.

"Get back!" Vehla screamed over the noise, grabbing Hanarad’s hand. "Come on, we can retreat to the Twinlex! We can rally the troops there."

Hanarad’s horse reared, whinnying loudly. It crashed down to all fours again and struggled hard to remain upright against all those men charging past it.

The enemy soldiers were nearly upon them; Hanarad could now see up close the chinks in their armor, their razor sharp steel weapons. Their flashing, hate filled dark eyes and steel helmets.

Hanarad struggled with his reins for a moment, managed to turn his horse around and let it ride along with the flow of people, trying to speed up and separate himself from them if possible. To the side, he could see Carnair gaining control of those around them and managing to create some semblence of an orderly retreat. But his was only a small presence of order; the army was in route. They fled out into the citadel buildings, fleeing for their lives, fighting when they couldn’t run any further.

"The Twinlex," Hanarad muttered to himself as he got free of them and set off at a gallop, heading for the heart of the citadel.

Vehla was right beside him, keeping up with him at full speed. The pursuit wasn’t too far behind though; they could both hear the cries of the pursuers and sounds of battle not more than twenty yards behind them.

[Coney]

I enjoyed reading that extract Lief For just over six hundred words there is a heck of a lot of action going on there. Yet it doesn't have a cluttered or confused feel at all, nice and easy to follow while still being descriptive enough to share the atmosphear of battle

Also a very good example of the use of dialogue by the characters in such circumstances, you have used dialogue to good effect, emphasising actions without having to rely on huge descriptive paragraphs.

When is the book out?

[Coney]

Originally posted by Gwaimir Windgem
As I've said before, I haven't written any real battle scenes. Though the book I plan to start will most likely be a battle scene. But if it is, I'd be too embarassed to post it here after reading yours. No way could I ever write one that good...

Eh? What is to be embarassed about?

I don't think anyone writes either good or bad....every writer develops their own voice or style....the most important thing is using your own style to effectivly portray the story (which is why forums like this one are very important, what makes perfect sense in an author's mind, might come over as complete gibberish to the reader....we all need a bit of constructive criticism from an audience).

[Aralyn]

I like battle scenes better than individual fights cause you get a bigger picture. But I tend to take an "above shot" of battles in certain places.

[Lief Erikson]

Originally posted by Coney
I enjoyed reading that extract Lief For just over six hundred words there is a heck of a lot of action going on there. Yet it doesn't have a cluttered or confused feel at all, nice and easy to follow while still being descriptive enough to share the atmosphear of battle

Also a very good example of the use of dialogue by the characters in such circumstances, you have used dialogue to good effect, emphasising actions without having to rely on huge descriptive paragraphs.

Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it .

Originally posted by Coney

When is the book out?

I'll let everyone know if it does get published . It'd be a long time away though, for several reasons. First of all, I still have nearly 200 pages still to write. Secondly, there's a book that comes before this one that I might have to publish first, and I haven't even started writing that one yet. Plus there's a huge amount of editing that has to be done in this book.

How long is the story to which you wrote your battle scene, so far?

[Arat-Falathion]

Ahhh Don't you forget to tell me when that novel is done Lief!!

- Falathion

[Coney]

Originally posted by Lief Erikson
How long is the story to which you wrote your battle scene, so far?

The unedited draft ( I tend to write on 'autopilot') is 147 pages (times new roman, font 10) and that takes me, roughly, about half way through the tale.

The extract I posted is about 30(ish) pages into the story.

[Lief Erikson]

I want to read your book . Even though it would be very hard to find the time, even if it was possible.

Originally posted by Arat-Falathion
Ahhh Don't you forget to tell me when that novel is done Lief!!

- Falathion

I'll try not to . It'll be a long time till that happens though; so saying I won't forget would be a rather long term promise. Plus I might want to publish book 1 first. The novel I'm writing now, which is around 420 pages at present, is actually book 2. There's another one that comes before it that I need to write as well. So my writing projects are all very, very, very long term.

[Coney]

Originally posted by Lief Erikson
I want to read your book . Even though it would be very hard to find the time, even if it was possible.

Well, I only write for fun.......but as soon as the book is finished I'm gonna publish it on the internet........ya can guarantee the link will be in my sig

It won't be for quite a while tho'..........the book has been on hold for the last couple of months, thank to the slave-drivers at Uni

[Lief Erikson]

In the battle scenes I write, I've lately been having some difficulty in the earlier parts of them with getting across to the reader the magnitude of the forces. I think I need a little of Ninquelote's descriptive writing skill, though it's not necessary in all cases. But that is one difficulty I've had, when a huge army was marching up to besiege a city, in particular. Any advice?

I know what I need to do, I suppose. I can discuss troop formation, discuss what the troops look like, how they boggle the mind of the viewer, perhaps other things too. I suppose I more need ideas on how to come up with descriptive words.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

If you want descriptive words, thesaurus.com might help.

[Lief Erikson]

I'll keep it in mind- thanks . We have a Thesaurus here at home that I need to make more use of, and those are very helpful for coming up with words you're lacking. But thinking of what you're lacking can be a problem too. In other words, it's impossible to find in a Thesaurus words that you wish you had, but you can find much better words in exchange for the ones you were using.

But I do have various sources here that I can use to jog my thinking and cause me to think along the correct lines.

[Arat-Falathion]

Thanks for that link, Gwaimir Windgem! I'm sure gonna find nice use of thatone

- Falathion