A Short Story: Beautiful Emptiness

[Elfmaster XK]

I've finally gotten this out of my system, but if anyone is willing to help me, then I was wondering if this short story has any focus at all, or gives any kind of thoughts to the reader? I am notoriously bad at short stories and wanted to make this epic, so as you can imagine, a 2,000 word limit was painful. Anyhow, comments would be appreciated as for a start, I don't know if it is okay to divide a short story like this into 2 people's point of view...meh

Beautiful Emptiness

Kikiko watched the three geisha girls glide past her, talking in soft, hushed voices and hurrying along to the chamber where they were needed. She paused to watch after them, their wooden clad feet tapping on the stone court floor, and the fabric of their dresses trailing silently behind them. She smiled mimicking their graceful movements secretly as she disappeared back to her family.

That evening after the return to their home in the village Kikiko stared dreamily into the mirror at her reflection, thinking about the day spent amongst all those wealthy and beautiful people. She wondered if she could ever be that beautiful and admired, hoping that she would. Kikiko was six years old.
**

Seven years later the dream was still alive for Kikiko and she woke every morning thinking about it before she began her chores around the house. Obsessed with everything beautiful she had collected a number of paintings and had shells and stones lining the shelves in her room. To Kikiko, there was something beautiful in everything.

However, one day she awoke not to the thoughts of what she might become but to screams of fear and the sound of hooves clattering on the streets outside. She leaped up and hurried down through the house, the walls of which were trembling around her. She dared a glance out of the window and gasped, horrified. The men on horses were burning and destroying everything in sight, slashing at the villagers who were trying desperately to escape. Cannons fired and blew holes in the houses, knocking people flying out of windows and forcing them to jump out of harms way.

Kikiko jumped, startled as someone grabbed hold of her arm. Her brother was pulling her down the stairs. “You must hide,” he said, “hide with the others,” and he rushed out of the door with his sword raised. But Kikiko was too afraid to move. A flaming arrow had sailed through an open window and set fire to some fabrics in the house. Fire spread quickly to the wooden beams and black smoke snaked its way through the house engulfing the ceilings of every room. She turned to seek her family when the door was swung open, smashing against the wall. Burning ash fell like snow from the roof, and the man grabbed her by the arm pulling her from the house with a grotesque smile on his harsh face.

Screaming and struggling she was thrown to the floor. She could see her friend Kanna crying with fear as she tried to escape the cruel clutches of one of the invaders. Deciding she was too much trouble the invader slashed his sword in one swift, unforgiving moment and turned back to the battle. Kanna crumpled to the floor and Kikiko closed her eyes, curling up and wishing it all away as around her the invaders pillaged the village, razed the buildings to the ground, killed the men, took hostages and raped women.
**

Carefully Kikiko poured the tea into each cup, offering it silently to the guests. They took their cups with thanks and she bowed to them, collecting the teapot and leaving the room with Masako and Ayan. The three girls did not speak to each other as they walked down the corridor and into the tea room. Once there though, they broke the silence.

“I think the governor was pleased,” Ayan said cheerfully. Masako nodded as she emptied one of the pots.
“And I wonder why those men brought their sons here,” she added as she placed it back on its shelf. Kikiko remained silent.
“They must be ready to choose,” Ayan began. “Kikiko, what did you think?” Both girls turned to look at her and she stopped stacking the cups.
“That is why they are here,” she answered quietly. Ayan and Masako smiled and drifted off into conversation again whilst they worked. Kikiko placed the last tea cup on the shelf and slipped out of the room in silence.

Her room was warm and she sat quietly and perfectly still as her overseer observed her work.
“Excellent Kikiko!” she muttered. “You look absolutely fabulous.” She smiled and laid a gentle hand on Kikiko’s shoulder. “You are the most beautiful of all the girls I have worked with for some time my child, now this time make sure you present yourself correctly and everything will be fine.” The woman left the room and Kikiko stared into the mirror. Everything about her was perfect, the hair was elegantly tied up, her dress a soft shade of blue with almost-white flowers and her features were so well fitted to the make up. But she knew it didn’t matter. She would never be admired, she would never be beautiful to them because she was tainted.

Kikiko stood and took a final glance at her reflection, forcing a smile. Then she picked up her fan and left the room. Ayan and Masako were waiting for her in the corridor and together they started to walk towards the presentation room. As they walked silently Kikiko spotted a child, a girl of no more than eight years old following them. Her face was bright and pretty as she looked adoringly at the three girls. Kikiko looked away, her presentation smile fading; her defensive make-up flaking away.

As she and the girls executed their duties to the letter and performed perfectly Kikiko was able to forget about the reminder of her past until she was allowed a break, whilst the governor chatted to his guests. She could see him gesturing and smiling as he spoke to one of his officials. They looked in Kikiko’s direction and though he smiled at her, she could see regret in his eyes. The man and his son both looked at her and she looked away, her eyes filling with tears that she blinked away. She was far enough away to be unable to hear what was being said, though she knew. She was not a good match for any son. She had no contacts besides those within the governor’s house, no family and no property. Beauty was nothing compared to those things.

The long day ended and the visitors left the household. Ayan and Masako retreated to the washroom, talking excitedly. As Kikiko approached, hearing them speak stopped her in her tracks and she flung her towel back down, stepping out onto the garden path. She walked to a bench that sat beneath a blossoming tree and overlooked an inlet of the lake. The tree swayed in the gentle breeze with a quiet, melancholy beauty and she gazed at herself in the water seeing none of it. Long ago Kikiko had forgotten what beauty was. She had clung onto the only thing she had left of her life and fought for it with determination. But she knew that it made no difference at all, because she had chosen to forget the reason for dreaming when she chose to blank out everything from her past.

Kikiko had finally become what she had wanted to as a child, only now when Kikiko looked at herself she realised she didn’t know that child. When she looked at the blooming pink flowers through the tears that blurred her vision she saw only that some day soon this flower would wane, shrivel and die. Just as everything else would. To Kikiko, nothing was beautiful. Nothing at all.
**

[Elfmaster XK]

...and part two...

Akiya watched from a distance as Kikiko sat on the bench under the blossom tree. She was sitting silently and staring blankly into the water. He sighed quietly. Akiya was only thirteen when he first saw Kikiko. She was fifteen, and the daughter of a noble family, or so he was then told; she served in the court of Akiya’s father. For a long time Akiya had watched her as she walked around the court. She was made taller by the blocks of wood strapped tightly to her feet and she moved with elegance; every little thing about her demonstrated grace and beauty. He always remembered one special day, he was lucky and she glanced his way, honouring him with a smile before continuing through the corridor with the teapot.

This chance encounter only incensed his interest, and he would spend much of his time waiting for her to come by. She often saw him and as always, would smile but never speak, and bow slightly to him, but never stop what she was doing. Akiya wondered long and hard why she did this, and for a long time he never knew why Kikiko did not speak to him.

Akiya jumped from the tree he was sitting in and wandered onto the bridge that crossed the stream. He sat on the edge dangling his feet over the water, between the railings, still watching. He looked away at the water flowing serenely around them both and he swirled his toes around in it. Akiya was afraid to talk to Kikiko, though he now knew why she did not speak, and why she smiled when she saw him but did not stop what she was doing. But they were separated by much more than his fear of talking to her, for he knew something she did not. Akiya was believed a son of the governor - though he was actually a nephew rescued when his family’s village was destroyed by a savage tribe - and so he would some day marry a girl like Kikiko.

However, Akiya knew that the governor, kind as he was, was planning on Kikiko marrying his eldest son. He had told Akiya so when he had noticed the interest he showed in Kikiko. He had also told Akiya of the little secret about Kikiko. The governor knew of Kikiko’s past, and why other families would not find her a good match, but his eldest son would inherit his office and title anyway. His other sons would do well to become warriors and to join with another successful family.

Akiya was not the eldest son. And so he retained his silence towards Kikiko, knowing that if he did speak to her he would never want to walk away. Even before he knew why she would sit for hours in the garden watching nothing he had known she was special. Kikiko was different. She was the most beautiful of the geisha girls, but she was also the saddest girl Akiya had ever seen. And that was what made her the most beautiful girl of all, because he knew she would understand what he did.

Akiya got up and started to walk away when he took a glance back, half expecting her to have gone. But still she sat there, and still she looked for something that was not and never would be there. Akiya knew because he was looking for it too.

Then she looked up, looking directly into his eyes. He could see she was crying, but she still hitched a smile in place. Akiya looked at the floor and approached her. She seemed surprised but stood up to bow to him. She seemed even more surprised when he took her arm and sat her down again. Kikiko’s smile faltered.

“You don’t need to smile for me,” he said. “I know and understand why you smile for everyone. But I just wanted to tell you that you don’t have to smile for me when I know you don’t want to.”

Kikiko looked up at him. She looked confused, but at the same time grateful. And he knew she understood what he was saying. For a moment, Akiya felt like he’d finally found it.

Inner peace.

Then it was gone. The pain returned.

Akiya also knew as he turned and walked away that he, nor she, would ever find it. In people, what’s lost can never be regained. Akiya knew he could never see Kikiko again.

~FIN~

© G. E Renshaw 2003

[katya]

Neat! It's kind of "happy and sad", more like poignant and happy. If you were to make any changes (though I think it's good and enjoyed reading it!) I would focus more on the theme and the emotions and less on the details of the situation. I like the name Kikiko. I've never heard it. Did you hear it somewhere or make it up?

[Nurvingiel]

That was a really great story! I love all things Japanese. Out of curiosity, when was it set? (It's not important to the tale, I just want to know.)

I actually don't like the name Kikiko, only because it felt awkward reading it.

She paused to watch after them, their wooden clad feet tapping on the stone court floor, and the fabric of their dresses trailing silently behind them.

Shouldn't they be wearing kimonos?

I love this sentence:

Then she looked up, looking directly into his eyes. He could see she was crying, but she still hitched a smile in place.

Your story was excellent, and I especially enjoyed the end.

[katya]

I'm also curious to know when it is set. and by the way, yoku dekimashita!

[Elfmaster XK]

Originally posted by katya
Neat! It's kind of "happy and sad", more like poignant and happy. If you were to make any changes (though I think it's good and enjoyed reading it!) I would focus more on the theme and the emotions and less on the details of the situation. I like the name Kikiko. I've never heard it. Did you hear it somewhere or make it up?

I'm also curious to know when it is set. and by the way, yoku dekimashita!

Domo arigato (I think...) Glad you enjoyed. I know you're right about the focus. As a usual novel-length worker, I find it very difficult to decide what's most important fr a short story. As for the names, I beleive they are all authentic Japanese names. I could be wrong, I'm not from Japan. But I did make an effort to look for real names. I think Kikiko is a pretty name.

Shouldn't they be wearing kimonos?

Tehey are, in my mind. I just messed up.

That was a really great story! I love all things Japanese. Out of curiosity, when was it set? (It's not important to the tale, I just want to know.)

Here's where you discover my terrible secret...I don't really know anything about Japan. Only very little of its history. I reckoned sometime in the 600's AD. Apparently that was a turbulent time.

Anyhow, if anyone is actually well up on Japanese history, forgive my heinous mistakes, I'm sure there are some.

[Lief Erikson]

Too bad. I would have enjoyed some historical comments. Oh well, I did really enjoy the story, nevertheless. Here's one sentence that could use editing:

However, one day she awoke not to the thoughts of what she might become but to screams of fear and the sound of hooves clattering on the streets outside.

When you're starting an action sequence like this, it probably isn't a good thing to start with something as casual as 'however'.

I'm also a bit confused by the title. When it says "Beautiful Emptiness", it's saying that the emptiness is beautiful. In the story, (unless I missed something, which is quite possible since I haven't read it more than once) the theme seems more to be beauty replaced by emptiness.

The way the story is written, the emptiness does seem rather beautiful. Sad things often can appear beautiful at the same time. The Grey Havens, for example. Not really empty, but sad and beautiful.

So in terms of writing style, I think "Beautiful Emptiness" is a pretty good title. But that's addressing a rather technical point, and I don't see the theme or storyline as pointing to the beauty of the emptiness.


One question I am left with is why the woman was incapable of recovering. Of course, we don't really know how long it has been since the destruction of her home, but the writing seemed to imply that she would [i]never[i] recover. I'm not sure I understand why that would be.

However, despite that, it is a beautiful and sad story. I like the description and the progression of events, which is smooth and interesting. Good writing, Elfmaster!

[Elfmaster XK]

Originally posted by Lief Erikson
Too bad. I would have enjoyed some historical comments. Oh well, I did really enjoy the story, nevertheless. Here's one sentence that could use editing:

When you're starting an action sequence like this, it probably isn't a good thing to start with something as casual as 'however'.

I'm also a bit confused by the title. When it says "Beautiful Emptiness", it's saying that the emptiness is beautiful. In the story, (unless I missed something, which is quite possible since I haven't read it more than once) the theme seems more to be beauty replaced by emptiness.

The way the story is written, the emptiness does seem rather beautiful. Sad things often can appear beautiful at the same time. The Grey Havens, for example. Not really empty, but sad and beautiful.

So in terms of writing style, I think "Beautiful Emptiness" is a pretty good title. But that's addressing a rather technical point, and I don't see the theme or storyline as pointing to the beauty of the emptiness.


One question I am left with is why the woman was incapable of recovering. Of course, we don't really know how long it has been since the destruction of her home, but the writing seemed to imply that she would [i]never[i] recover. I'm not sure I understand why that would be.

However, despite that, it is a beautiful and sad story. I like the description and the progression of events, which is smooth and interesting. Good writing, Elfmaster!

Firstly thanks for taking the time to read my story. Your thoughts are much appreciated.

As for the title, I am bad with titles in general. All I really wanted as meaning in the title was that beauty isn't all that important, because although the girl has it, she doesn't find what she wants in it.

The destruction was not that far past, but the reason she is still so connected with it is because altohugh she will recover from the event, she can't recover what she has lost from it. That means she can never truly become what she wanted to, because without a family or anything she is of little value to a suitor.

I'm pretty sure not everything in this story makes sense, but I had to stick to less than 2,000 words as a limit.

[Lief Erikson]

Originally posted by Elfmaster XK
The destruction was not that far past, but the reason she is still so connected with it is because altohugh she will recover from the event, she can't recover what she has lost from it. That means she can never truly become what she wanted to, because without a family or anything she is of little value to a suitor.

Thanks for telling me; that makes it more clear.