One little Thing (Short Prelude?)

[M. Brandsdal]

My first post at this forum. It's a very short prelude I would say. Kinda ends with lots of questions unanswerd. Still, I hope some would enjoy. Before you ready on, please excuce all of my typos and errors. When that's said; I hope some of you would enjoy my work, and when done; please give me some feedback, this is actually my first story ever exept some schoolworks so don't be to critical reviewing..



* * * *

One little thing

The wizard could still not understand what he had done wrong. In over twelve years he had prepared this summoning, and now he was not at ease knowing that somewhere along the path of studying he had made a critical error. An error he shouldn’t have made. Now he was forced to start all over again, all the way from the beginning. “From what plane was it again”, the wizard whispered to him self. He did not know, still after twelve long years, he could not remember from what world the demon would be summoned. “There must be written somewhere,” he roared swapping trough notes and books, though there was no hope for Elindel Infal. He too, as well as any other experienced wizard as him knew, that this evil being, Morrak, from the ancient world not known to this, had left no traces of himself, except tales, riddles and some valuable information Morrak’s former master had possessed, which now was safely inside Elindel’s grip. Information long since forgotten, sold and given away as if it just where stories the townsfolk would tell there child’s as bedtime stories. Elindels hosted most information, if not all, ever known to any man, elf or dwarf within he’s reach. But still, he had made an error, and now he was stuck. Ancient notes were laying all about his desk, oldest in the whole realm, a fact that made the situation for Elindel even more frustrating. Elindel was exhausted, though he had to continue his work of summoning Morrak to the mortal planes. The demon would be forced to answer Elindel’s call if just the spell, and the content of it used to summon where right. Elindel shocked his head, as if it would help him remember something, though he was a wise man, and he knew that no shocking any heads would help him with this task. He walked slowly over to his pile of notes and books, tons of information, which he had used studying for this particular moment. But he hadn’t been to wise rushing trough every written word. One of his mistakes where not being able to control his lust for power, and hasting trough at the same time as gathering information it all would be a bit to much to handle, even for a might wizard as Elindel. Even with help from his shadow, Meddasanzaer a familiar, he had overseen something. Still, the answer would be right under his fingertips. The room gloomed from the candles that were placed randomly from the entrance hall towards the window some yards to the south. It was a room formed as a square, with some small cubicles at both sides of the entrance hall. In total, all a secret study room which where located in the arcane of Termilande, a human city far to the north, in the realms of Dalian. The light of the moon floated from the open window and a fresh cool breeze was streaming inside filling the room with freash oxygen, but still there were a tense atmosphere within the area, like if there was magic in the air. Elindel was aware of this, a fact that made him certain that he at least had done something right, but for all he knew, just that one little detail left overseen. “One little thing” he whispered walking over to the window. There was a pause halfway; he froze, like if he was remembering something, though he didn’t advance. He took at deep breath, “you old fool, think!” he cried, but still his mind where blank. It was late, though he didn’t wish to sleep. As maybe the only living human within the whole realm, Elindel wasn’t very fond of the deep trance called sleep and he felt he didn’t acquire anything else but confusion and a terrible daze the next morning, waking up. Resting wide awake on a soft comfy bed, just glancing at the sky trough his bedroom window made his mind a lot more clear then sleeping, though at this moment his heart were pounding to fast for him to rest in any ways. He could still feel the magic swirling about him and if he could just clear up in that, which hopefully for Elindel was only one mistake, he could rule this region of the realm within this year. He glanced evilly looking out the main hall window spotting some townsfolk heading home from a late night in the local tavern. “You puny little peasants and innkeepers, tough dumb fighters and emotional women. You all shall all be my slaves, young and old, and I shall never heed any attention to any business then my own”. The wizard now enjoyed himself, dreaming of his evil acts to come, if just he could sort this problem out, this one little thing. “Pity”, he then whispered.


* * * *

[Lizra]

Oh please!!!!Break it up into smaller paragraphs, then it will be much more reader friendly! I look at that large, solid mass of words and think "too much hassle to try and digest all that!" Of course, I am lazy, but I don't think I'm the only one! Break it up a bit Ok?

[M. Brandsdal]

oh, yeah.. I kinda' just copy/pasted it from MS Word.. hmm.. your right, no dubt but, I'm lazy as well you see. So hopefully, people will manage to read it as it is.. after all; the story is extremly short...

[M. Brandsdal]

ok, ok, ok... I'm in that anti-lazy mood tonight .. so; I'll give it a go:

* * * *

One little thing

The wizard could still not understand what he had done wrong. In over twelve years he had prepared this summoning, and now he was not at ease knowing that somewhere along the path of studying he had made a critical error. An error he shouldn’t have made. Now he was forced to start all over again, all the way from the beginning.

“From what plane was it again”,
the wizard whispered to him self. He did not know, still after twelve long years, he could not remember from what world the demon would be summoned.

“There must be written somewhere,”
he roared swapping trough notes and books, though there was no hope for Elindel Infal. He too, as well as any other experienced wizard as him knew, that this evil being, Morrak, from the ancient world not known to this, had left no traces of himself, except tales, riddles and some valuable information Morrak’s former master had possessed, which now was safely inside Elindel’s grip. Information long since forgotten, sold and given away as if it just where stories the townsfolk would tell there child’s as bedtime stories.

Elindels hosted most information, if not all, ever known to any man, elf or dwarf within he’s reach. But still, he had made an error, and now he was stuck. Ancient notes were laying all about his desk, oldest in the whole realm, a fact that made the situation for Elindel even more frustrating. Elindel was exhausted, though he had to continue his work of summoning Morrak to the mortal planes. The demon would be forced to answer Elindel’s call if just the spell, and the content of it used to summon where right. Elindel shocked his head, as if it would help him remember something, though he was a wise man, and he knew that no shocking any heads would help him with this task.

He walked slowly over to his pile of notes and books, tons of information, which he had used studying for this particular moment. But he hadn’t been to wise rushing trough every written word. One of his mistakes where not being able to control his lust for power, and hasting trough at the same time as gathering information it all would be a bit to much to handle, even for a might wizard as Elindel. Even with help from his shadow, Meddasanzaer a familiar, he had overseen something. Still, the answer would be right under his fingertips.

The room gloomed from the candles that were placed randomly from the entrance hall towards the window some yards to the south. It was a room formed as a square, with some small cubicles at both sides of the entrance hall. In total, all a secret study room which where located in the arcane of Termilande, a human city far to the north, in the realms of Dalian. The light of the moon floated from the open window and a fresh cool breeze was streaming inside filling the room with freash oxygen, but still there were a tense atmosphere within the area, like if there was magic in the air. Elindel was aware of this, a fact that made him certain that he at least had done something right, but for all he knew, just that one little detail left overseen.

“One little thing”,
he whispered walking over to the window. There was a pause halfway; he froze, like if he was remembering something, though he didn’t advance. He took at deep breath, “you old fool, think!” he cried, but still his mind where blank. It was late, though he didn’t wish to sleep. As maybe the only living human within the whole realm, Elindel wasn’t very fond of the deep trance called sleep and he felt he didn’t acquire anything else but confusion and a terrible daze the next morning, waking up. Resting wide awake on a soft comfy bed, just glancing at the sky trough his bedroom window made his mind a lot more clear then sleeping, though at this moment his heart were pounding to fast for him to rest in any ways. He could still feel the magic swirling about him and if he could just clear up in that, which hopefully for Elindel was only one mistake, he could rule this region of the realm within this year.

He glanced evilly looking out the main hall window spotting some townsfolk heading home from a late night in the local tavern.

“You puny little peasants and innkeepers, tough dumb fighters and emotional women. You all shall all be my slaves, young and old, and I shall never heed any attention to any business then my own”.

The wizard now enjoyed himself, dreaming of his evil acts to come, if just he could sort this problem out, this one little thing.

“Pity”, he then whispered.


* * * *

[Lizra]

Ok! Thanks. I won't bother sharpening my red pencil for the many errors with spelling, word flow, grammar and punctuation. You can do that yourself easily enough by going paragraph to paragraph, making things read perfectly, smoothly, and clearly. Use the least amount of words to give the strongest mental picture of your story. (That's part of the beauty of concise paragraphs, it's a fairly easy goal to go from one paragraph to another, perfecting!)

I liked the start about the wizard forgetting something. A simple, powerful idea that I was able to focus on easily. I kept wondering..... What did he forget? Then you lost me right after the part where the wizard does not like to sleep. The story suddenly shifts to an unexplained hatred of puny peasants.

What is the number one main theme here? A corupted wizard who hates humans and wants revenge, or a stressed out wizard who screws up and unleashes something horrible? You have a good story telling style, I would suggest a plot outline. (You probably have already done this ! ) Hope this helps!

[M. Brandsdal]

Oh, thank you so much Lizra. Your feedback really made it all clear about my writing flaws. I really need to spend some time working on my typos, yes, as well as going over the story's plot and buildup.

I think I would have to remove some elements of this tekst and try to make it a bit more clear of what is actually going on. And I need to give a bit more background information about the wizard and whats his perpose is summoning Morrak.

Afterall, your comment really gave me some ideas, and I can't wait to get back writing.

Thank you again!

[Lizra]

Sounds good! Have fun!

[Arat-Falathion]

I agree very much with Lizra here, you should work through that text again, work out those spelling mistakes, your sentence outlines and sparkle it all up with some variety of words. Your wizard whispered alot

also:

"there" is not "their"

"he's" is not "his"

Those were some mistakes I remembered from the top of my head after reading this. I believe with a little bit more practise you'll get the hang of it, your style show promising talent.

Oh, and if you have nothing better to do, joining our RPG "The Hytorax" at the RPG section might help you in your writing. Right now it has been rather empty in that rpg though, so I do not know when things will speed up there

Have fun Martin

[M. Brandsdal]

Well, Pål, your kind of that mysterious person that pops up in the least expected place and give me advices about things I least expected.. hehe.. thanks anyways..

Well, as far as this story goes; I will put it aside.. actually got something much more interesting going on.. might post it in the future..

Thanks again!