The Apostasy

[Gwaimir Windgem]

As I suspected, my other stuff is evidently too uninteresting for the average person, so here's some narrative. I love descriptive writing style, and just finished re-writing this piece. I'm going to be taking it to a writer's group next month, and would greatly appreciate all constructive criticism of any sort.

The walls of the room were made from alabaster of glittering white, like fresh snow under the sun. Pillars shaped from silver, marble, and gold stood tall, holding the weight of the engraven roof. Candles scattered throughout the room kept vigilance, flooding the room with their golden light. A row of carvings, images of divine beings, saints, and holy symbols graced the walls of the elegant chamber.

In the center of the room was a table. Shaped from the finest gold, it was embellished with lifelike carvings of angelic warriors as they soared through the heavens, their wings spread and their fiery swords aloft. The golden carvings were engraved with such detail that the celestial beings seemed ready to take to the air and ride the winds on their righteous campaign against the forces of evil. On the consecrated table was set a small, square chest, shaped from fine mahogany, the edges covered with ornamented bands of gold. A soft, white light emanated from the chest.

As the golden candlelight danced about the chamber, the far-off sound of a low chanting could be heard from beyond a silver door. At the same time, the sound of a chorus broke forth, singing a hymn of worship. The sound of the chanting grew nearer, pausing as the source came to the door. The chanting continued in front of the door while the song of the heavenly choir came to a climax, reaching the pinnacles of the mortal voice.

The song and the chant both began to grow quieter, dropping to a whisper as the door opened without a sound, revealing a brown-haired man of middling years, dressed in a robe of pure white. The hems of the robe were decorated with holy symbols and runes of silver and gold. The edges of a black under-robe contrasted with the beautiful white of his sleeves. On his forehead was a golden circlet, set with a gem of white. A kamelavkion of the same snowy-white as his robe crowned his head, holy praise scribed onto the veil. Around his neck was a silver chain that ended in a medallion of angel-wings, set with a great sapphire. A prayer shawl covered his shoulders and upper chest.

As the hymn grew greater in volume, he began chanting again, his long robe sweeping the floor as he ceremoniously approached the chest. When at last he stood in front of the box, both chant and song ceased suddenly.

Placing his hands on the sacred chest, he murmured a benediction in an ancient tongue, and then slowly, reverently lifted the chest into the air, the chorus breaking out again in the background.

The man turned, walking out of the chamber with the same formal stride as when he had entered, the chest held before him. He walked out of the door into a second chamber, much larger than the first, reaching a hundred feet in length, width, and height. The domed roof that towered above was made of gold, supported by twelve pillars of marble, formed with the greatest of skill, and adorned with the fairest of gems. In the center of the room was a great, golden altar.

Gathered around three sides of that altar was a gathering of priests, their hands folded and their heads bowed in reverence. They were the chief priests of many different lands and nations, gathered in unity for a sole purpose. They had come to hear the Holy Law of Eltarn; Eltarn, the Elder God; Eltarn, the Creator of Lisman; Eltarn, the Supreme Power of Good.

The brown-haired man took his place at the head of the altar, holding the ancient chest up high. He lowered it slowly, finally letting it rest on the purified altar. Chanting in an ancient tongue, he reverently lifted the lid of the chest. White light flowed from the opened chest, flooding every corner of the room. Inside the chest were several scrolls, the source from which the fair radiance emanated. The priest, for priest he was, reached his hand reverently into the chest, and pulled out the first of the scrolls.

The light emitted by the ancient parchment was so powerful that none but the ordained priests could make out the words, and they could only with difficulty. One sole man could read them with ease, as if they were black letters on white parchment, and that man was he who now held one of them in his hand; Fallos the High Priest of Eltarn.

Reverently he unrolled the scroll; raising his eyes to the priests gathered around him, he spoke, reciting the ritual words, his voice low. “Do ye come to hear the Law of Eltarn?”

The priests responded as one. “Yea, High Priest. We come to hear the Holy Law.”

Fallos spoke again, his voice ringing clear throughout the sanctum now. “As ye have come, now listen; for the Lawgiving is begun.”

[Elvellyn]

If it was before midnight here I'd be happy to comment on your story. But its not. So I'll do that tomorrow. Do svidonya!

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Do sveedanya! Dobree noch!

[Gwaimir Windgem]

I made a few changes as suggested by another person.

"table-like structure" was obviously too clumsy; I could have sworn I'd removed it.

"stopping directly in front of the door. The chanting continued in front of the door" was pretty repetitive, so I replaced it with "pausing as the source came to the door. The chanting continued in front of the door"

"Eltarn, the Father of the Gods" he suggested I change, and I made it "Eltarn, the Supreme Power of Good."

The first two I whole-heartedly agree with, but I'm not quite sure about the third. Any suggestions/comments on it would be appreciated.

Or any other part, for that matter.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

And just as a kind of aside, here is a floor plan for the first floor of the Temple of Eltarn.

[Lief Erikson]

It's really, really great as a descriptive writing piece/exercise. I really enjoyed reading it . The description was fabulous, and how you painted the picture of what everything looked like. Getting across the holiness of Eltarn and of what was going on was also very affectively done.

One thing I did note was that your paragraphing isn't always correct. I mean, sometimes the paragraphs run into each other when their should be breakages. This part, for example.

On his forehead was a golden circlet, set with a gem of white. A kamelavkion of the same snowy-white as his robe crowned his head, holy praise scribed onto the veil. Around his neck was a silver chain that ended in a medallion of angel-wings, set with a great sapphire. A prayer shawl covered his shoulders and upper chest. As the hymn grew greater in volume, he began chanting again, his long robe sweeping the floor as he ceremoniously approached the chest. When at last he stood in front of the box, both chant and song ceased suddenly. Placing his hands on the sacred chest, he murmured a benediction in an ancient tongue, and then slowly, reverently lifted the chest into the air, the chorus breaking out again in the background. The man turned, walking out of the chamber with the same formal stride as when he had entered, the chest held before him. As he walked out of the door, a second chamber came into view, much larger than the first, reaching a hundred feet in length, width, and height. The domed roof that towered above was made of gold, supported by twelve pillars of marble, formed with the greatest of skill, and adorned with the fairest of gems.

It should have paragraph breaks included, rather than being run-on. I'm probably not at all perfect in grammar myself, but this is how I'd rearrange it:

On his forehead was a golden circlet, set with a gem of white. A kamelavkion of the same snowy-white as his robe crowned his head, holy praise scribed onto the veil. Around his neck was a silver chain that ended in a medallion of angel-wings, set with a great sapphire. A prayer shawl covered his shoulders and upper chest.

As the hymn grew greater in volume, he began chanting again, his long robe sweeping the floor as he ceremoniously approached the chest. When at last he stood in front of the box, both chant and song ceased suddenly.

Placing his hands on the sacred chest, he murmured a benediction in an ancient tongue, and then slowly, reverently lifted the chest into the air, the chorus breaking out again in the background.

The man turned, walking out of the chamber with the same formal stride as when he had entered, the chest held before him. As he walked out of the door, a second chamber came into view, much larger than the first, reaching a hundred feet in length, width, and height. The domed roof that towered above was made of gold, supported by twelve pillars of marble, formed with the greatest of skill, and adorned with the fairest of gems.

Also one thing you might want to note in that last paragraph is that you use the word "walked" twice in a row, in one sentence right after the other. You might want to use a different word in one of those instances.

There might be paragraph errors in other parts of the draft too; I'm not reviewing it all at this point. Whenever the subject changes, like from description of something to an action being taken, that's when you want to break the flow and make a paragraph switch. That's why when people are conversing, they always speak on different paragraphs.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Thanks much for your support and the constructive criticism. You're quite right, I'm not sure how the paragraphs slipped by me...will edit.

[Agalayth]

Now that is good writing! Great work GW!

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Thanks much, Agalayth. Glad you like it.

[Entlover]

Very nice writing. A little long if you are writing an adventure/fantasy tale, and want to get to the plot -- but maybe that's just my preference.
The only criticism I have would be that the point of view is not totally clear. When you say, "As he walked out of the door, a second chamber came into view-" you must be seeing it from his point of view. But when you begin, he is not in the room at all and the viewpoint is omniscient. You might say something like, " he walked out of the door into a second chamber." It's important to be very clear on whose point of view you're taking.

Keep up the good work.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Thanks for the advice, will edit it.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Anyone else?

[Lief Erikson]

I've got one question. Not a comment, just a question. Is this a part of your book, or planned to be a part of it? Or is it only done for description practice, like a short story taking place in your world?

[Gwaimir Windgem]

It's the beginning scene of a book. The book is the first in the Scrolls of Law Trilogy, but I've probably already told you about it. Don't worry, it's not all so verbose.

[Linaewen]

Originally posted by Elvellyn
If it was before midnight here I'd be happy to comment on your story. But its not. So I'll do that tomorrow. Do svidonya!

Hear, hear! (Yeah, Sacrilege- what are ya gonna do about it?!)

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Side note - a "kamelavkion" is the headpiece worn by Eastern priests. Here is a picture: it's wot he's got on his noggin. Obviously, this is a rather obscure word (I believe it took me c. an hour to find the term on Google), but I don't know a better-known version. Any suggestions regarding this would be greatly appreciated.

As, of course, are any other comments.

[Lief Erikson]

You actually never mentioned the Scrolls of Law Trilogy to me till now. You might have mentioned them, anyway, but you didn't give the name. Just like I haven't yet given out the name of my trilogy, come to think of it. Not that that matters much, though .

But anyway, the kamelavkion looks good. Not too overblown or tall and ornate like I was worrying when I clicked the link . It's really nice that you can post illustration attachments to flesh out your works on paper. I'd probably be able to, but I'd have to ask my Dad to help me figure out the scanner.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Goodness me, I didn't draw that. That was the site where I found out the name used. But thanks for thinking I'm such a good artist.

[Lief Erikson]

Sorry Gwaimir, I didn't think that was you. But I do think it's nice that you can make attachments, like that and the temple design.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Indeed it is. Most handy, indeed. I would post a picture of the High Priests vestments, but when I tried to make it, I couldn't do the robe worth squat...