Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

[Philia]

Okay, I think everyone can remember the Deep Thoughts part of Saturday Night Live well, I think a thread dedicated to the "deep thoughts" would be a good remembrance of them, because for some dumb reason SNL stopped that skit like 5 yrs ago. So Here is a Deep Thought, (Note : the thread "good quotes by famous people" inspired this thread.)

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw **** you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

[Aeryn]

Hee Hee Hee, Great idea Philia, okay here are my Jack Handys

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. .

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will REALLY throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No wait, not me, you.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

AND FINALLY!

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

THANK YOU!

[Aeryn]

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.

It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What!? What!?" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.

If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rat trap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

I think man invented the car by instinct.

If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be!

I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.

I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us "ants", because we hate that.

I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.

If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of Weasels."
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night.

[Philia]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.


Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

[galadriel88]

OK, I don't know any of these, but this one was written by one of the senior guys on the board in one of the classrooms a few weeks ago.

Instead of wearing insect repellent, why don't we all just carry around a big bag of blood?

I like that one...

[Philia]

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.

(quote unquote)

I agree galadriel, but I don't know these off the top of my head either, I went to a search engine, and typed in Deep thought by jack handy, and I got sites. I LOVE search engines, they are dead useful

[sun-star]

Who's Jack Handy?

[Aeryn]

LMAO sunstar, if you read Philia's entire post, you would understand that Jack Handy was Saturday Night Live skit. A man would give one of his "Deep Thoughts" inbetween setups, but you would never see his face, hard to explain. If you want to actually see an episode Comedy Central plays reruns everyday, don't know what time, but they do