The movie in a nutshell!

[Agburanar]

OK: Here’s the film in a nutshell. I’m starting after Bilbo’s departure because up until then it was good.

After some nice flashy sequences and a few hobbits being ruthlessly slashed apart by the Brown riders for no apparent reason the screen settles on Bag end. Frodo returns to find a small window open and Gandalf stooping as usual in the hallway. After a search through loads of old papers where Frodo had put and forgotten his VERY IMPORTANT RING, the wizard throws the envelope into the fire and reveals it’s true nature. Stopping only to pull a very thick Sam Gamgee through a window the size of an envelope he sends them off to Bree where loads of evil, nasty people are waiting for them.

On the way they are pushed down a cliff by a pantomime duo masquerading as Merry and Pippin who are running away from a talking, barking scythe. At the bottom of the cliff they are almost captured by a particularly stupid Brown rider who makes lots of worms and spiders run all over the hobbits but is sent off by Sam throwing a large piece of wood very secretly into the undergrowth. Merry and Pippin immediately offer to help Frodo and together the Hobbits run to Bucklebury ferry. On the way Frodo is trapped by a Brown rider and the other hobbits run on ahead to untie the ferry and sail it away before Frodo can reach them.
Not to be deterred, Frodo outruns the Brown rider’s horse and manages to leap onto the ferry.

Safe in Bree the hobbits get hopelessly pissed and are only saved from ruin by Strider who proves that he is their friend by NOT being mentioned in a letter from Gandalf and by showing them a sword, not broken obviously!

The Brown riders sneak violently into Bree and repeatedly stab some fake hobbits before running away again.

Strider leads the hobbits to an oddly shaped hill where the hobbits light a fire, only putting it out when it could be useful in stopping the approaching Brown riders (yes, they’re back again!). Close up on rider’s pointy toes. Frodo and gang run into the centre, the least defended point, of Amon Sul and are hopelessly overwhelmed. Frodo puts on the ring and sees a pack of zombies, out of work since the last ‘night of the living dead’ movie. The lead zombie tries to get the ring, but Frodo pulls back his hand. The zombie thinks about this, shrugs and stabs the Hobbit.

Strider returns in time to show the Brown riders that their robes are not fireproof as they had been assured and they retreat to change into clean cloaks and write a strongly worded letter to Udun clothes ltd. As Frodo removes the ring, Aragorn spots the morgul blade and has just about time to recognise it before it crumbles into dust.

Pippin, who has never left the Shire, somehow knows that it is 6 days to Rivendell, Frodo may not make it! Bill the pony appears from nowhere and Frodo rides him into some woods where they are met by a Norwegean speaking woman. There follows a short scene with subtitles, filling in the odd sentence with English when unsure what the translation is. Strange woman gallops away from the Brown riders (with new robes) with Frodo and then sweeps away the riders in a big flood. The Brown riders vanish off to write a strongly worded letter to Udun clothes ltd. about drip-dry robes.

Frodo awakes in Rivendell where he has been healed by Obi-Wan Elrond. He is told by Gandalf of the great Break dancing contest and how Saruman has become a traitor, he is using a palantir to predict the results of this year’s world cup.
Boromir arrives and sees Narsil, finding the joys of self-mutilation, and we are treated to another scene in Norwegean with sub titles.
There is a big council lasting all of five minutes in which Gimli breaks his axe.

Going South to the gap of Rohan they are attacked by a strange cloud. Gandalf tries to lead them over the pass of Charadras but is stopped by Saruman who has been eating far too many baked beans.

Gimli persuades them to go through the mines of Moria where they are attacked by a giant squid and a host of little green men. Aragorn suddenly ralises he forgot to reforge Narsil at Rivendell, but it’s allright because he produces a bow from nowhere and helps the nine companions fight off at least nine hundred goblins. After a battle with a big cave troll (other credits include: Harry Potter) Frodo reveals he has a shiny shirt so has taken no bruising whatsoever. Gandalf spots a Balrog approaching and they run to the bridge of Khazad-dum. Carefully avoiding any rolling boulder traps they come to a falling staircase. Luckily the Balrog is too large to fit through a door and get them so they have time to rock the staircase and land it in the right place.

Aragorn directs them across the bridge of Khazad-dum, making sure they don’t look down, whilst Gandalf does battle with an abnormally large goat that someone has tried to spit-roast. As they both fall into the abyss the fellowship avoid hundreds of arrows (probably helped by the slow motion) and run outside to Lorien.

In the Golden woods they are received by a magical transfestite elf queen (white by day, blue by night) who turns out to be completely useless. She gives Frodo some aftershave and the company sail on down the Anduin.

As they pull up by a large, disembodied head, Saruman unleashes some large orcs who run all the way from Isengard to Amon Hen in time to attack the Fellowship. Boromir snatches at Frodo’s ring and breaks the chain, but it’s allright because it mends itself before the end of the film, and Aragorn sends Frodo over the river.

Big battle in which Gimli (Now with his regenerated axe head), Legolas and Aragorn fight off hundreds of orcs before Lurtz calls off the Uruk-hai telling them to “Find my half legs!” Merry and Pippin distract the orcs, Boromir runs to save them, fails to dodge the slow motion arrows and takes hours to die. Aragorn then kills the big orc in a game of baseball with sharp objects.

Sam nearly drowns trying to follow Frodo but is dragged into his master’s boat where he proves that he didn’t get his clothes from Udun clothing ltd and they are drip dry! They sail off into the sunset as Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn go to hunt orc.

THE END!

[aldesign]

You saw the Movie in a Nutshell!!
How did they fit it in there?...

... How did u fit in there?
I saw it in a cinema!

Anyone else see it in weird places?



Btw what was the point in that hugh post explanation thingy?

[Comic Book Guy]

You should have posted your Moronic review in the Opinion Thread.