Discussion For "Red Eyed Assassin"

Tuinor · 03-14-2008, 02:25 PM

Alright, here it is. Please leave all coments and criticism for the story here! If you're reading, I hope you take the time to tell me what you think!

Disclaimer: This story is in no way about me or anyone I know... Any resemblance you might find to real life events should be discussed with your own personal psychiatrist

Thank you and enjoy!

**Mari** · 03-14-2008, 06:27 PM

Very good Tuinor! Easy to follow.
I would just like to point out that in the chapter Exile, where you introduce Aldnar, it was a bit difficult to understand who got introduced. The guard gives a box to Tuinor, then you throw in the name Aldnar and at first I thought you were introducing guard #1 who was arguing with guard #2. Only after reading it a few times, I figured out that you meant to name the 3rd person. But perhaps natives will read it differently.

Looking forward to the more!!!

Tuinor · 03-15-2008, 01:02 PM

Thanks for the criticism, Mari! I've gone back and altered that part you had trouble with; hopefully no one else will have the same problem! That was my bad. Sometimes I write too fast and get ahead of myself, especially when I'm excited.

**Mari** · 03-15-2008, 01:05 PM

Some minor spelling mistakes:

Quote:

Tuinor wondered about whether or not he should aid the crew, but when he overheard one of the shipmates mumble, “The lad should just get below deck if he’s not to help.” The words were like sparks in the kindling of Tuinor’s rage

The should not be capitalized.

Quote:

Day slowly began to change into night as Uan made her decent into the Void, but even as she set the storm exhausted itself and her face shown golden through the broken clouds in the west.

Shown should be shone?

Another great chapter. Yay!

Acalewia · 03-20-2008, 06:09 PM

This is great. Like Mari said, it's easy to follow. Its great, Tunior. Keep it up.

Nautipus · 03-20-2008, 11:14 PM

I've been waiting for this for some time, T man. And my hopes are NOT dashed to the rocks of dissapointment. A resounding YES for you my friend. YES.

Acalewia · 03-25-2008, 05:26 PM

Is this the one you said you were entering into that contest?

You know, now I can't steal, I mean, borrow your name for a character of mine like I did with another Mooter

03-20-2008, 06:09 PM	#5
Acalewia Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: In trouble. As usual. Posts: 4,674	This is great. Like Mari said, it's easy to follow. Its great, Tunior. Keep it up. __________________ "Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera

03-20-2008, 11:14 PM	#6
Nautipus Kraken King Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Under the sea Posts: 2,714	I've been waiting for this for some time, T man. And my hopes are NOT dashed to the rocks of dissapointment. A resounding YES for you my friend. YES. __________________ Being the King of these Beings, This is my Child One of my top ten favorite movies. "You ever try to flick a fly? "No." "It's a waste of time." "Can you see it?" "No." "It's right there!" "Where? "There!" "What is it?" "A crab." "A crab? I dont see any crab." "How?! It's right there!!" "Where?" "There!!!!" "Oh." -Excerpts from A Tale of Two Morons One of the best Global Warming Messages out there

03-25-2008, 05:26 PM	#7
Acalewia Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: In trouble. As usual. Posts: 4,674	Is this the one you said you were entering into that contest? You know, now I can't steal, I mean, borrow your name for a character of mine like I did with another Mooter __________________ "Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera

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03-14-2008, 02:25 PM	#1
Tuinor Elven Warrior Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Wandering in circles until they become triangles Posts: 292	Discussion For "Red Eyed Assassin" Alright, here it is. Please leave all coments and criticism for the story here! If you're reading, I hope you take the time to tell me what you think! Disclaimer: This story is in no way about me or anyone I know... Any resemblance you might find to real life events should be discussed with your own personal psychiatrist Thank you and enjoy!

03-14-2008, 06:27 PM	#2
Mari Elf Lady Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: In the lands where mountains are but a fairytale Posts: 8,588	Very good Tuinor! Easy to follow. I would just like to point out that in the chapter Exile, where you introduce Aldnar, it was a bit difficult to understand who got introduced. The guard gives a box to Tuinor, then you throw in the name Aldnar and at first I thought you were introducing guard #1 who was arguing with guard #2. Only after reading it a few times, I figured out that you meant to name the 3rd person. But perhaps natives will read it differently. Looking forward to the more!!! __________________ Love always, deeply and true ★ Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. ★ Friendship is sharing openly, laughing often, trusting always, caring deeply. ...The Earth laughs in flowers ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Hamatreya"...

03-15-2008, 01:02 PM	#3
Tuinor Elven Warrior Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Wandering in circles until they become triangles Posts: 292	Thanks for the criticism, Mari! I've gone back and altered that part you had trouble with; hopefully no one else will have the same problem! That was my bad. Sometimes I write too fast and get ahead of myself, especially when I'm excited.