Divorce

[Arien the Maia]

What is everyone's opinion about Divorce? Do you think it should never happen or only in certain circumstances? I have been affected by it and I hate it with a passion.

[Hasty Ent]

My parents never divorced, - but I wish they had. They hated each other. My childhood and adolescence were about witnessing two people in an endless cycle of arguments. I would have been much better off raised by only one of them (doesn't matter which -- they each had their good/bad qualities).

So, my reply is that divorce is sometimes the best solution to an impossible situation. In my case, it certainly would have been.

[Insidious Rex]

Well of course idealy it should never happen. But this is the real world so its gonna happen sometimes unfortunately. Its sad its such an easy choice now though. People really need to think before they rush out and get married. Try living with each other for a while or something. Too many kids are the ultimate victims of divorces. Personally I believe in marriage for life. Which is probably why Im not married yet.....

[congressmn]

Originally posted by Arien the Maia
What is everyone's opinion about Divorce? Do you think it should never happen or only in certain circumstances? I have been affected by it and I hate it with a passion.

i have yet to be affected by such a thing. (never been married, it is illegal here at 17)

they say marriage is a permanent affair, but i just think it is an elongated relationship, at least nowadays.

you can snap out of it, ne time u like. it is just costlier than normal relatiionships.

o and divorce, of course ! it is a gift to end a rotting relationship if the need arises.

ATM (not automated tele, but the arien the maia) are yu having a tough time with it?

[Arien the Maia]

Originally posted by Hasty Ent
My parents never divorced, - but I wish they had. They hated each other. My childhood and adolescence were about witnessing two people in an endless cycle of arguments. I would have been much better off raised by only one of them (doesn't matter which -- they each had their good/bad qualities).

So, my reply is that divorce is sometimes the best solution to an impossible situation. In my case, it certainly would have been.

My parents divorced when I was 14. They always fought and never loved each other...so I grew up watching 2 people who fight constantly too. It had a pretty bad effect on me. even when they got divorced, my dad took it pretty hard and so did I and my mom remarried soon after but she is alot happier and that makes my life easier (unfortunately I still live at home...at least till Oct.) Still, I think they should have never gotten married. I am doing alot better, but since I am getting married soon, it scares me that I will repeat my parents lives, since that's all I've pretyy much known when I was growing up.

[Arien the Maia]

Originally posted by congressmn
ATM (not automated tele, but the arien the maia) are yu having a tough time with it?

Well I used to have a hard time with it alot...I still do I guess...I'm getting married soon and it scares me because I believe in marriage for life. If I do one thing in my life I want to have a happy,loving, and successful marriage. also, I just found out that my aunt and uncle might divorce and it's all just plain disheartening

[Rían]

I think it's such a terribly, terribly sad thing to happen, and I'm sorry you've been hurt by it, Arien I know others here have been, too.

Especially when there's children involved, it's really damaging. A friend of mine made a great observation once, which I wish would be made a formal requirement before a divorce was granted where there are kids involved. She said that anyone that wanted to get a divorce should be forced to spend 1 day in family court, and just watch the faces of the people that go by. NONE of them are happy...

An interesting research item about the "it's better if we divorce" idea - I read an article about some recent research that interviewed people that were considering divorce 5 years later (whoops, rather poorly worded - I mean, people were identified that were considering divorce, and then 5 years later, they were interviewed) - a hugely higher percentage that went through with the divorce, as compared to those that stayed married, were very unhappy; while a very high percentage of those that stuck it out and stayed married were very happy. What people don't quite realize, I think, is that although divorce will 'remove' one problem, it introduces a myriad of other problems. And it is SO hurtful to the children involved ....

I believe that it is should be permissible in certain rare circumstances. The Bible (which I believe to be true) permits it in the case of adultery, but doesn't say you HAVE to have a divorce in this case, and I think it's better to work through it (although it must be TERRIBLY difficult).

[congressmn]

o and one more thing.

just like success leads to money, and power leads to money, and money leads to powers, marriage leads to divorce.

I mean come to think of it, one thing cant exist without the other at least these days.

and onece u r divorced. in no time u r re-married again.

vicious, totally, truely.

[Rían]

and I just read some of the other posts that went in before mine (it took a while for me to type it!) and those are great points - be VERY careful about who you choose, and also, do lots of marriage maintenance things! A good marriage needs lots of work, but is well worth it. Also, Arien, I HIGHLY recommend pre-marital counseling from some wise Christian counselors (since I know you're a Christian) - it helps you prepare for what might come along. Also, learn how to 'fight' clean - it's better to leave and cool down than to say something you will really regret later. Disagreements will of course arise, but remember, you're on the same team, so it helps to learn some good and constructive ways to work out disagreements.

[Arien the Maia]

Originally posted by RÃ*an
I think it's such a terribly, terribly sad thing to happen, and I'm sorry you've been hurt by it, Arien I know others here have been, too.

Especially when there's children involved, it's really damaging. A friend of mine made a great observation once, which I wish would be made a formal requirement before a divorce was granted where there are kids involved. She said that anyone that wanted to get a divorce should be forced to spend 1 day in family court, and just watch the faces of the people that go by. NONE of them are happy...

An interesting research item about the "it's better if we divorce" idea - I read an article about some recent research that interviewed people that were considering divorce 5 years later (whoops, rather poorly worded - I mean, people were identified that were considering divorce, and then 5 years later, they were interviewed) - a hugely higher percentage that went through with the divorce, as compared to those that stayed married, were very unhappy; while a very high percentage of those that stuck it out and stayed married were very happy. What people don't quite realize, I think, is that although divorce will 'remove' one problem, it introduces a myriad of other problems. And it is SO hurtful to the children involved ....

I believe that it is should be permissible in certain rare circumstances. The Bible (which I believe to be true) permits it in the case of adultery, but doesn't say you HAVE to have a divorce in this case, and I think it's better to work through it (although it must be TERRIBLY difficult).

I too think that it is permissible in rare cases....like an abusive spouse...either physically or otherwise...but still I think that peopl should do all they can to save the marriage and relationship. Divorce should be the LAST resort. Being a child when my parents' divorce was going on, I got to see first hand what it's like....not fun at all! For me it was a no win situation...it was a horrible atmosphere to live at home with my mom and dad fighting all the time...this lead me to believe that they should never have gotten married and that my brother and I were mistakes...alot of problems.

I'm really concerned about my aunt and uncle and their little girl. It makes me so sad and unsure about my upcoming marriage.

[Rían]

I respectfully but completely disagree with you, congressmn - marriage does NOT need to lead to divorce.

And Arien, God is stronger than divorce - you are wise to be concerned, but DON"T be scared (in the bad sense of "I can't do anything about it"). You CAN do lots to promote a good, stable marriage.

[Arien the Maia]

Originally posted by RÃ*an
and I just read some of the other posts that went in before mine (it took a while for me to type it!) and those are great points - be VERY careful about who you choose, and also, do lots of marriage maintenance things! A good marriage needs lots of work, but is well worth it. Also, Arien, I HIGHLY recommend pre-marital counseling from some wise Christian counselors (since I know you're a Christian) - it helps you prepare for what might come along. Also, learn how to 'fight' clean - it's better to leave and cool down than to say something you will really regret later. Disagreements will of course arise, but remember, you're on the same team, so it helps to learn some good and constructive ways to work out disagreements.

In the Catholic Church, engaged couples are required to go through either a premariatal preparation program in the form of a retreat or to meet with a married couple 4 times and discuss various aspects of married life. Also, it is required that we do a sort of "personality test" to determine possible problems to address. My fiance and I are starting this month so hopefully everything goes well

[Rían]

OMGoodness, Arien, perhaps it would have been wiser for your parents to not marry, but you and your brother are NOT mistakes!!!!!! No way!!!!!! You are both wonderful creations and incredibly valuable!!!!! Please don't even think you're mistakes, that's a total LIE!

Is your fiancee a Christian? Have you gone thru pre-marital counselling? IIRC, there is a good program in the Catholic church - darn, can't remember the name.... Marriage encounter?? And there is a version for engaged couples, too, I think. How old are you two?

[Rían]

whoops, we keep cross-posting, Arien! You answered my counseling question while I was still typing it!

I have to get off now, but let me know if I can help you in any way - PM me if you would like

[congressmn]

nevertheless, i wud like to wish all who intend to get married soon a happy married life.

one more anolgy.

marrigae is like a tall tower that you build.

the buiding requires good bricks and good mortar.

u may be providing the good bricks to the best of ure ability, but ure mate might not be working as hard putting the right kinda mortar.

so mkae sure the other person works as hard as you do.

May your buildings grow tall and strong.

best of luck!


EDIT: just the ONE building.

[Arien the Maia]

Originally posted by RÃ*an
OMGoodness, Arien, perhaps it would have been wiser for your parents to not marry, but you and your brother are NOT mistakes!!!!!! No way!!!!!! You are both wonderful creations and incredibly valuable!!!!! Please don't even think you're mistakes, that's a total LIE!

Is your fiancee a Christian? Have you gone thru pre-marital counselling? IIRC, there is a good program in the Catholic church - darn, can't remember the name.... Marriage encounter?? And there is a version for engaged couples, too, I think. How old are you two?

thank you My fiance is so supportive of me and he knows the problems I have with the divorce so God Bless him...he's wonderful!

Yes, he is a Christian although not Catholic. He does go to church with me though and was thinking about joining the Chruch. That too was a problem for us.

[Arien the Maia]

Originally posted by Arien the Maia
thank you My fiance is so supportive of me and he knows the problems I have with the divorce so God Bless him...he's wonderful!

Yes, he is a Christian although not Catholic. He does go to church with me though and was thinking about joining the Chruch. That too was a problem for us. For the longest time I thought that my parents' divorce was caused by religion...my mom is catholic and my dad is seventh day adventist...although that did contribute to it, it wasn't the main cause. So I was always paranoid that if I didn't marry a catholic that I would go the same way as my parents. but, I don't think that anymore.

[Artanis]

Originally posted by Insidious Rex
Well of course idealy it should never happen. But this is the real world so its gonna happen sometimes unfortunately. Its sad its such an easy choice now though. People really need to think before they rush out and get married. Try living with each other for a while or something. Too many kids are the ultimate victims of divorces.

I agree. Marriage should be for life, ideally. But in some cases all parties will be better off with a divorce, the children also. I think it all depends on whether the divorcing couple manage to stay on friendly terms, or at least civilized terms, during the divorcing process. Most couples fail here though. From a childs point of view the worst thing must be to witness the fighting between the two people he/she love most of all, especially if each party try to cease the child over to their side of the conflict. Where should the child place its loyalty?

My parents were divorced when I was 10. Adultery was the trigger, but their marriage had already been waning for years. It was a painful process for everyone, but looking back as an adult i think it was right for them, and for me as well, in the long run.

At least I've learned some lessons. I did not jump into my own marriage, but considered it carefully. We tried each other out by living together for some time first. No we've been married for 10 yrs and it's been no regrets yet

[azalea]

My view on the matter is (I'll give the short version) that in cases of physical or severe emotional abuse, chronic substance abuse by one of the spouses, or adultery by one of the spouses, it is completely justified. In the case of most marriages that end up being difficult or loveless (as it sounds like the ones people have mentioned here are) it depends on the couple's commitment to the institution of marriage, and their willingness and/or ability to work hard on themselves with the goal of keeping the marriage together.
I have been very lucky. Although my parents have come close to divorcing a couple of times, they've managed to work it out, and both sets of my grandparents were/ are married for over 50 years (one set is still going, the other set passed away). Thus I have had good examples of marriage set for me. I feel I learned from the mistakes my parents made. You meed to have the right attitude going into marriage for it to succeed: You are not committing to another person, you are committing to the institute of marriage. You have to be sure the other person feels the same way, or it could fail despite your best efforts.
Before you get married talk about these things in depth (IMPORTANT: You should be sure of how YOU truly feel on the subjects, too. This is extremely important.):

Marriage and divorce (as I said, and as is the topic of this thread)

Religion (they should match, or at least you should be equally non-committed to one. Otherwise you'll have a lot of problems down the line).

Children (do you want them? If one of you does, and one doesn't, the one who doesn't will have to concede, or it's best just to find someone else. Also, how many? Will one of you stay home to raise them? Who, and for how long? Or are you both fine with the idea of daycare? You can't really make this decision before you have a baby, but talking about it and having a workable plan is important. AND what are your ideas about childrearing? Discipline? Santa Claus? All this stuff comes up -- be prepared!)

Money (if one of you is thrifty, and the other one likes to splurge a lot, this needs to be addressed. How much do you both make? I would even go so far as to recommend making a household budget BEFORE the marriage, so you can see what's what. If either of you is extreme one way or another (thrifty vs. "spendy"), the other person may find it to hard to live with.)

Family (do you get along w/ his/ her family? Does he/she? If not, this needs to be worked out ahead of time. Even if the issues cannot be resolved, you need to know that your spouse will stand behind YOU and not his/ her family, unless of course you've done something criminal, but then you probably aren't a good prospect! The same goes for YOU. Does your fiance like your family? If not, work on it BEFOREHAND so it won't become a bigger problem after it's too late, or be willing to stand by your spouse and possibly damage your family relationships -- you'd better take a good look and make sure they don't dislike him/ her for GOOD REASON!

And finally (and probably least importantly, but you never know)
Politics (do you agree on key political issues -- abortion, war, etc. If one of you feels very strongly about something, the other must be able to live with it if they don't agree.)

Aren't you glad I didn't post the long version?

[congressmn]

Originally posted by azalea


Aren't you glad I didn't post the long version?

rather!