The ''Dear Hector'' Advice Thread

[hectorberlioz]

Dear Hector,
My doctor whom I'll call "Byron" recommended a weekend in the abruzzi mountains of Italy. However, since my stay I have experienced loneliness, as I watch a group of pilgrims going by, and I've experienced fright and horror as I was chased by a band of brigands till I was exhausted enough to attempt suicide...if this goes on, my life is ruined. Please help me.
-Harold in Italy

Dear Harold,
What you need to do is wake up to reality. And the fantasy inducing mountains of Italy is the last place I'd go for that...you've inflictedd this on yourself you know. You chose the doctor. You obeyed him.
You need to buy my book "How to stay away from fire". In it, I discuss saftey precautions for everything.
Sincerely, Hector

p.s. remember to run.

Dear Hector,
My husband has a problem. Limburger cheese. He eats it 24/7, and goes to social and public places without brushing his teeth or washing out his mouth. Consequently, our social standing is nil. Hector, I want a divorce. What should I DO?
-German-cheese-maker-hater

Dear Hater,
How dare you descriminate against germans for inventing cheese! I'm sure its not all as bad as you say, I know. I've been through it myself. People lie to columnists! Whiner. What you need to do is buy my book "How to stay away from fire". In it, I discuss saftey precautions for everything.
Sincerely, Hector

p.s. remember to run.

Dear Hector,
My husband is honest, kind, faithful and upright in everything...except that he doesn't think stealing is wrong. So many times I've turned him in and bailed him out, he JUST WON'T STOP! Counseling hasn't worked, in fact the counselor refused to treat us. There's gotta be a solution to this.
-Already giving up in N.W.

Dear Already,
There is a solution...right under your nose. Stop bugging your husband. Let him do it. If the police catch him, fine. Stealing is a natural part of a man's life, and it's in his blood to do it, and the only way to get it out of him is to let him do it till he tires. What you need to do is buy my book "How to stay away from fire". In it, I discuss safety precautions for everything.
Sincerely, Hector

p.s. remember to run.

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I think we all know the purpose of this thread, send in your needs!

[rohirrim TR]

dear hector
what planet would you suggest for a person with nightmares about zombie chickens?
col. sanders

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by rohirrim TR

dear hector
what planet would you suggest for a person with nightmares about zombie chickens?
col. sanders

Dear Col. Sanders,
Earth. And I mean you ought to eat it as well. Eat earth.
As a point of interest, my last nightmare about zombie bears nearly put me in the hospital. I spent six months on mars after that.

[brownjenkins]

dear hector,

speaking of chickens, where do you stand on the whole chicken and egg debate? (and is col. sanders really a colonel btw?)

~ inquiring mind

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by brownjenkins

dear hector,

speaking of chickens, where do you stand on the whole chicken and egg debate? (and is col. sanders really a colonel btw?)

~ inquiring mind

Dear Inquisitor,
I've always argued that chickens taste better than eggs. Eggs smell really bad all the time, chickens only smell bad when they are rotten, or alive...or cold when they are...cooked.
Col. Sanders is who he says he is, unless he is someone else...

[trolls' bane]

So much for Dr. Zaius...

[trolls' bane]

Okay, let's see.

Dear Hector,
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
--Dr. Zaius's cousin.

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by trolls' bane

Okay, let's see.

Dear Hector,
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
--Dr. Zaius's cousin.

Dear Zauis' cousin,
The primary question at hand here is: does this sailor drink? If so, you ought to maroon him till he falls asleep...forever. That is a harsh punishment-many people have actually told me this!-but it JUST might deprive him of drink.
There's a guide somewhere out there called: "When a sailor drinks, he stinks" written by A.N. Ony Mous.
This is a pretty fair guide when it come to marooning a shipmate, though I think the ides of leaving the said marooned with a weeks supply of water is pretty harsh...for the ship itself. After all, how will all the other sailors survive if all the water is given to the drunken sailor?



Dear Hector,
My boyfriend of four months is cheating on me. This new girl he likes is none other than my sister. I told him it was over, but he still wants to date me, what should I do?
-Lost in a triangle

Dear Triangular Sister,
I hardly sympathise. Your attitude toward your sister is probably rotting, no? If so, what you need to do is forgive your sister everything she's ever done, and give her absolution...if you're a priestess. If.
Otherwise, forget the guy, and go to BadDates.com for much easier fishing.

[trolls' bane]

Dear Hector,
What do you do if he's in the desert? I can't put him in the longboat till he's sober, and in fact the only other choice I ahve is to take him to laughlin and put him in the Jet Ski on the river.
--Not so proud owner of a sailor lost in the desert that probably came on the back of someone's boat on a trailor.

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by trolls' bane

Dear Hector,
What do you do if he's in the desert? I can't put him in the longboat till he's sober, and in fact the only other choice I ahve is to take him to laughlin and put him in the Jet Ski on the river.
--Not so proud owner of a sailor lost in the desert that probably came on the back of someone's boat on a trailor.

Now Mr Sailor,
Sounds like you've been drinking too.
Good night.

[trolls' bane]

I have been drinking. Lotesse offered me a virtual beer, so I took it!

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by trolls' bane

I have been drinking. Lotesse offered me a virtual beer, so I took it!

That Lotesse is a little shady, isn't he?

[trolls' bane]

She's insane! But to tell you the truth, that's something we have in common. Besides, who on the moot isn't .

Oh, well look who decided to show his face for the first time since I got up. None other than my cat Baxter. Come to sit on me so I can't see the computer. (I'm on the couch with the laptop).

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by trolls' bane

She's insane! But to tell you the truth, that's something we have in common. Besides, who on the moot isn't .

Oh, well look who decided to show his face for the first time since I got up. None other than my cat Baxter. Come to sit on me so I can't see the computer. (I'm on the couch with the laptop).

My cat will lay on the cold kitchen floor for hours...a way of getting cool I guess.

Lotesse is a she? well, I'll have to remember...

[rohirrim TR]

"ahh baxter you are so wise like a miniature budha, covered in fur, what? you pooped in the fridge, and ate a whole wheel of cheese?! thats amazing you know what i'm not even mad, i'm amazed" :will ferrell Anchorman

[trolls' bane]

Dear Hector (rohirrimTR),
Who is "Will Ferrell"?
--Never heard of Will Ferrell or at least not in a long time and also writing a signature longer than the rest of the letter.

[Lotesse]

Ohhh, Dear Hector, someone needs to see Anchorman!!

[trolls' bane]

Well, that will unfortuneately be a long while.

[rohirrim TR]

Originally Posted by trolls' bane

Dear Hector (rohirrimTR),
Who is "Will Ferrell"?
--Never heard of Will Ferrell or at least not in a long time and also writing a signature longer than the rest of the letter.

Dear TB
will ferrell is a screenwriter and actor the only movies i can think of that he is in at the moment are "anchorman" and "bewitched".
and maybe you should talk to either hector or a shrink about your signature

[hectorberlioz]

You all definitely need shrtinks. Head shrinks! Haha!! ...*runs*