Light-Bringers Few (a poem)

[PippinTook]

Ok, this is my first poem, so obviously its pretty rough, and I dont really know how good it is, so thats why I posted it up here with some hope of critique. I wrote this poem when I was frusterated that I couldn't get people to understand the way I think or listen to what I say even though it means a lot to me, and how I felt helpless and lost and stuff. So, I'd loooove some feedback, it makes it 10x funner to write when you know people have read your work.

Light-Bringers Few

People scream and people cry
People keep on asking why.
Am I the only one?
The only one who sees the truth
The only one to see the light
The only one to get it right?
In a world so dark and lost
Does no one know he paid the cost?
What do I do, what do I say?
Was it all supposed to be this way?
I nearly feel as dark as the rest
And I am the one who must pass the test.
Am I strong enough to carry it out?
I am afraid I am not that stout.
I’m hurt inside from the loss I find,
Can no one understand my mind?
Can no one see the way I see?
Does no one see the light like me?
Some I see are light-seers too,
Can we help them all with such a few?
I’m afraid I’m not that brave,
To try to talk when they rant and rave.
Can we make them see like we do?
Can we make them light-seers too?
I’m afraid to try, afraid of what I’ll find,
Can we make them see, those so unkind?
But us few, though few we may be,
Have the light with us, us seers who see.
So now everything is a little brighter
It’s all just a little bit lighter
And it’s enough to carry me through,
And I know, I’m safe with you.
We may not make them all see like we do,
But we will try our best, us light-bringers few.

[inked]

Nicely done. The sense of personal insight/vision versus the complacense of the majority is carried nicely, with a sense, too, of the apparent hopelessness of the task, but still the will to soldier on. I also like the play on see-ers and seers both in pronunciation and in meanings.

[Lizra]

It's a nice poem. I like the straightforward rhyming. Could you possibly attempt to break it up into stanzas (is that what paragraphs in poetry are called? ) ...to help see if the rhythm is consistent? Just curious...but I like it.

[PippinTook]

Thank you guys! I wasn't sure about where to break it up as far as stanzas (sp) go. I just noticed, the last line should have said 'we' instead of 'us'. Whoops!

[Ñólendil]

As far as breaking up the poem into stanzas goes, I would seperate it into different thoughts that can stand on their own, with the poem itself being the link between the thoughts. You seem to kind of already do that to an extent with the rhyming--each rhyme is an expression of the feeling you're getting across with the poem. So seperate the poem into a list of rhymes, if that would work.

I think one thing that could really help you out in improving your poems is rhythm. You've got the rhyming down, but generally, and any rule can be broken with reason, a poem that isn't free-verse (no rhyme, no rhythm), usually has some rhyme and rhythm.

Rhythm is just about what syllables in a word or a line have stress, and what don't. In my name, "Dylan", the stress, when you say it, is on the first syllable, and not on the second (last) syllable. I believe this rhythm pattern is called "trochaic", but I don't really remember.

Anyway, try playing around with two lines in a new poem--give them rhyme somewhere, and then see if you match them rhythmically. Here's a simple example:

The mouse was dead
And cat was fed

This in itself is horrible, but it has rhythm and rhyme. The pattern is unstress/stress/unstress/stress. "The" is unstressed, so is "and", "mouse" is stressed, so is "cat", and so on.

So anyway I think more rhythm matching could add a better sense of structure to your poetry. Ideally, people won't even notice you're doing it.

Sorry if I sound preachy in this post, or like I'm talking down to you. I really don't mean to.

I hope this helps in some way.

[Rosie Gamgee]

Nice poem! Reads pretty well, although I agree about perhaps breaking it up somewhere.

[EarthBound]

Originally Posted by Rosie Gamgee

Nice poem! Reads pretty well, although I agree about perhaps breaking it up somewhere.

Diddo.

good read, thanks for sharing

[PippinTook]

Thank you all very much, I'm really flattered that I got such a good response, I didn't think the poem was that good at first. Positive feedback is very reassuring