To the Citizens of the United States of America

[Falagar]

Found this interesting bit of information on another board, thought a few of you Americans (especially JD) would like to know of it Oh and please - it's supposed to be a joke :

----- Original Message -----
Sent: Sunday, November 07, 2004 9:12 PM
Subject: Seems like a good idea to me...


To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "TOS violation starting with sh and ending with it". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.


11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

Continued in next post.

[Falagar]

Continued:

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.


Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

[Nurvingiel]

That's hilarious Fal! It would have been a little funnier if the amount of Americans who knew there was a world outside their borders was listed at say 50% instead of 97.85%, but whatever. This list isn't strong on subtleties.

Don't forget after re-introducing the more easier spelt words like "doughnut" and "neighbour", you should add harder ones like "tyre" and "lorrie" etc.

Tasks 6 and 7 were the funniest:

especially...

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

LOL! Let's just ignore the fact that loads of Americans already play football aka soccer, and the fact that the national American women's team is quite brilliant. American football steals excellent potential rugby players away from the real sport that is rugby.
The reason you have to wear full kevlar body armour in American football is because of the tackling technique. Which is why we're switching you all to rugby! No pointless stops, better technique, no armour (except scrum caps and cups). You'll love it.

Maybe the World Series will still be allowed to be called that (when it was started, only Americans played anyway). However, you have to invite Japanese teams and other nationalities who now play. Look out Red Sox, there are some really kickin Japanese baseball teams.

Hey, you're declaring war on Québec! Bring it ON! Though, maybe you won't mind declaring war on France. Chirac seems to have irritated a lot of people recently, at least in the USA.

And of course, making fun of American beer. That part was great. Heh heh heh...

[Shelob's Hubby]

I think that if the UK takes possesion of the USA they may be getting more than they bargained for. You can have New York, New Jersey, and California for all we care. And you might have trouble with Microsoft; it's arguably the most powerful force in the country. Certainly more powerful than the government.

[Lalaith_Elf]

That's great Fal! The funniest thing I've seen all week!

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

That's hilarious Fal! It would have been a little funnier if the amount of Americans who knew there was a world outside their borders was listed at say 50% instead of 97.85%, but whatever. This list isn't strong on subtleties.

Actually, I think the 97.85% is funnier... lowering it to 50% would have said that more American's take note of the rest of the world. Which would lower that satirical nature of the post.

Originally Posted by Nurvy

The reason you have to wear full kevlar body armour in American football is because of the tackling technique. Which is why we're switching you all to rugby! No pointless stops, better technique, no armour (except scrum caps and cups). You'll love it.

Ah rugby... it's great isn't it?! Damn, I miss playing.

[Nurvingiel]

Originally Posted by Lalaith_Elf

Actually, I think the 97.85% is funnier... lowering it to 50% would have said that more American's take note of the rest of the world. Which would lower that satirical nature of the post.

Yeah, but it would be more subtle, that's my point. IMO subtlety makes funny things funnier!

Originally Posted by Lalaith_Elf

Ah rugby... it's great isn't it?! Damn, I miss playing.

It sure is great! I miss playing too.
It should be noted that the American national rugby team is quite respectable. Obviously they're no match for the Big Three (South Africa, New Zealand, and Australia), England, France, Argentina, Scotland, Ireland, or Wales, but we Canadians sure have to play hard against them.

[Lalaith_Elf]

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

Yeah, but it would be more subtle, that's my point. IMO subtlety makes funny things funnier!

Yeah, I see your point... but I still think the higher percentage is funnier.

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

It sure is great! I miss playing too.
It should be noted that the American national rugby team is quite respectable. Obviously they're no match for the Big Three (South Africa, New Zealand, and Australia), England, France, Argentina, Scotland, Ireland, or Wales, but we Canadians sure have to play hard against them.

*is still basking in the glory of the last English victory*

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

Don't forget after re-introducing the more easier spelt words like "doughnut" and "neighbour", you should add harder ones like "tyre" and "lorrie" etc.

don't want to 'nit-pick', but it is "lorry"

that is hilarious, fal, and also, will soon become a reality

Why do americans have so many therapsist? one of life's great mysteries

this has been a party politicl broadcast on behalf of HM Government

Disclaimer: No refunds, No appeal and No right to trial

[Earniel]

Hmmm....

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

Heheh, that reminds me of Dutch shows that get subtitled here while they subtitle some of our shows too. It can produce some funny results.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

I don't think you will find much opposition on this. Who wouldn't want to live in a Shire? It certainly has that Hobbit-y feeling.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

At last! Recognition at last! Woohoo!

[inked]

Truly funny post, I must say! But I would add that the outlook is a bit bleak since they managed to hold onto Canada and look how that turned out, moi amici!

[The Gaffer]

Very funny, nice one F. I like the backdated tax bill.

I've got one to add:

16) The wearing of pants shall be outlawed until such time as you learn what they are.

[jerseydevil]

Britain can have my country after they kill me defending it - I'm going out to buy my first gun right now. Good thing the damn liberals didn't water down the second amendment - the founding father's always knew we'd need it again. Hint - it's one of the reasons the brits lost the Revolution in the first place - everyone had a gun.

As for the pronounciation of aluminium - we pronounce is properly - the person who wrote that obviously does not know that we do NOT spell it that way. We spell it aluminum.

Also - we don't change the British Sitcoms because they're too politically incorrect - it's because they suck. I've tried watching "Coupling" and it's so stupid - I know Jonathan likes it - but I can't get into it - even though I have tried. They tried remaking it here - it was cancelled after 2 episodes.

It is funny Falagar - but I think we should just take over Europe and be done with it. I don't think you guys should be full states though with representation - you can be terrorities - we have to ween you off your socialist tendancies and eliminate the "nanny state" mentality that persists in Europe.

[Insidious Rex]

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".

ha ha! and how true.

[EarthBound]

Originally Posted by The Gaffer

16) The wearing of pants shall be outlawed until such time as you learn what they are.

oh no, is there some sort of Pant's Matrix that I'm completely unaware of???? Am I really wearing Pants??? Am I wearing them correctly????

I'm becoming very very very afraid.....

[inked]

Two pants or not two pants?
That is the question!
Whether is nobler in the mind
To be the bearer of pants or pant
And by properly wearing them
To be safe from BoP!
Ah, to be safe from Bop,
For who knows in what state of dress
One should be left if she takes pants or pant?
Should one shuffle off one's pant or pants
And dream of freedom from BoP, or
Hold them securely with belt and lifts?
And live foreboding what may happen should she...
Arrive?
Or call them knickers and be done?
Alas, poor Yorick, we knew him well
Til unpanted (unpantsed) he went sub earth to dwell.
Or merely subequatorial with BoP,
-He was a handsome swell!-
To New Zealand didst ship hop?
He was American, the lad.
Though USed or Canadad
From North
Or
More
Southern
Hemisphere
Perhap
Might
Have
his
b
i
r
t
h
?
'Tis enough not to know!

[BeardofPants]

Inked, clearly in this brave new world of Pants-wearin' United Colonies of England, you shall be Her Majesties official poet. Of course, you shan't be paid....

Originally Posted by The Gaffer

Very funny, nice one F. I like the backdated tax bill.

I've got one to add:

16) The wearing of pants shall be outlawed until such time as you learn what they are.

Damned straight! In the meantime... I'll er... look after them.

One more time: PANTS ARE TROUSERS YOU FECKIN' EDJITS AND NO THAT IS NOT A COME-ON IF I STEAL YER HOSEPIPE TROUSERS!!!!

[Nurvingiel]

LOL Gaffer, are you suggesting everyone goes commando in their trousers? Just never say "my pants are dirty" people. Nuff said there. BoP, your obsession with pants is taking on a whole knew light...

Ironically, about the beer, the author meant to say "gnat's", I'm sure. This is funny because s/he's making fun of Americans for mis-spelling "doughnut" and "aluminium" etc.

[sun-star]

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon.

Oh, the number of Harry Potter fanfics which get that wrong! I know it's an easy mistake to make (I assume they're thinking of the Duke of Devonshire), but it puzzles me why they don't just pick another county - one with an unmistakable name... It seems the only county they know is an imaginary one

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

Ironically, about the beer, the author meant to say "gnat's", I'm sure. This is funny because s/he's making fun of Americans for mis-spelling "doughnut" and "aluminium" etc.

Also, s/he doesn't seem very hot on the use and misuse of commas...

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

[jerseydevil]

Originally Posted by sun-star

Oh, the number of Harry Potter fanfics which get that wrong! I know it's an easy mistake to make (I assume they're thinking of the Duke of Devonshire), but it puzzles me why they don't just pick another county - one with an unmistakable name... It seems the only county they know is an imaginary one

I know Leicestershire - as well as MANY others. Our counties our modeled after the shires of England.

[sun-star]

Originally Posted by jerseydevil

I know Leicestershire - as well as MANY others. Our counties our modeled after the shires of England.

Yes, but you're not a Harry Potter fanfic author. Are you?

(that was who the "they" referred to)