self harming

[Hanza]

about a week ago two of my friends split up froma four month relationship. however the girl then started going out with someone else the next day. This hurt the guy real bad. hes started smoking weed again after he stopped when they got together. but the main problem is i think he might be hurting himself. im not sure what to do. can anyone help? or has anyone else had a similar situation of being worried about a friend?

[Sminty_Smeagol]

hurting himself as in cutting and all that?

Well whatever, don't tell on him to try to help him or whatever. You'd be betraying his trust if you did that, and it might do more harm than good.

[Beor]

I would say just talk to him about it. Sometimes, that's all it takes. Take him out for drinks or something, let him know that he still has friends who care, people who have his back if something bad (such as this) happens. Whenever I get down, I mainly want to talk about it, otherwise, I fly off the handle and hurt people I dont want to. It may not be good advice, but its the best I have.

[Hemel]

A certain amount of experience in this, if you mean things like cutting, but nothing that would really qualify me to give proper advice on it.

(Edit - yes, I agree with Bear. Sometimes that's all it takes )

But .... I think something I'd say is that first of all, look after yourself. If you're a friend you're going to want to do what you can to help - but the problem is that some people need much more help than a friend can give. What can happen then is that the friend can end up in trouble too, because the person needs so much support and help - far more than the friend can give - that the friend ends up with problems too! So I'd always say ... be careful if you're trying to help. Know where your limits are.

The other thing is that I think the line comes very quickly when someone needs more help than a friend can give. Things like self-harm in my view (I'm talking here things like cutting, drinking too much, etc) go over that line. I have a certain amount of ambivalence where 'experts' are concerned, but can say that in the field of counselling and psychotherapy there are some really good people, and they are trained for just such situations. The right one for the person's particular needs and personality can work what seems like magic So if your friend isn't doing so well, that's maybe something that does need thinking about, proper help

[Elenka]

My thoughts; If you can talk to this person about it without making it a difficult or sensitive subject, try talking, if only to get some proof to confirm your suspicions.

My general view towards getting proffesional help is very simple; use it only as a last resort. On the other hand, if you think help is what he needs, then don't hesitate to get it.

[Pirate]

I know how you feel. If I where you I'd just kinda go with the flow and be there for him. He should come out of it soon. Don't force him out of it or say "you really shouldn't be doing this" because most likely he'll think either you have no idea what he's going through or that your kinda turning on him. Like they've said before me, just talk to him. Don't start the subject about what he's doing just talk and if the conversation leads to his life try to relate with him and tell him it'll get better. Hopefully it'll work out, but if it doesn’t there really isn't anything you can do. I agree with Sminty_Smeagol telling on him will make things worse. What ever you do, don't try to force him into conversation about it or try to force him out of doing it. It's his choice.

[Elfmaster XK]

Originally posted by Hanza
about a week ago two of my friends split up froma four month relationship. however the girl then started going out with someone else the next day. This hurt the guy real bad. hes started smoking weed again after he stopped when they got together. but the main problem is i think he might be hurting himself. im not sure what to do. can anyone help? or has anyone else had a similar situation of being worried about a friend?

Before doing anything about it, I think you should know that a lot of people who go down this road snap out of it pretty quickly by themselves once they realise there are people there for them. My advice would be not to push the subject too much with him, he might work it out by himself. But don't forget about it by any means, and if you feel it's remaining a problem, then like everyone else has said, talk to him.

And if you do talk to him, don't talk to him as if it's a problem he has. It's just his way of physically expressing feelings he can't otherwise do anything about.

With the thought of professional help, if the issue really is that deep then he will likely resent this idea. Be warned. People can be incredibly stubborn when it comes to their own good.

It's a tough situation and I wish that everything goes well for you and him.

[Hanza]

hey thanx everyone. its kinda a tough subject i know. but i think your right ill leave it for a weeks or so and see if he appears any different or is any happier then i think decide whether its worth speakignto him about it. hope its ok

[Insidious Rex]

Originally posted by Pirate
I know how you feel. If I where you I'd just kinda go with the flow and be there for him. He should come out of it soon. Don't force him out of it or say "you really shouldn't be doing this" because most likely he'll think either you have no idea what he's going through or that your kinda turning on him. Like they've said before me, just talk to him. Don't start the subject about what he's doing just talk and if the conversation leads to his life try to relate with him and tell him it'll get better. Hopefully it'll work out, but if it doesn’t there really isn't anything you can do. I agree with Sminty_Smeagol telling on him will make things worse. What ever you do, don't try to force him into conversation about it or try to force him out of doing it. It's his choice.

great advice there. you must have had some experience with this me thinks. anyway it seems like youve already wrapped up this thread so I wont add my opinion of it specifically since the best advice has really already been covered. But just in general I would say that theres really two kinds of self harmers (and Im basically talking about cutter or burners etc not alcohol abusers or drug abusers necessarily): those who can manage it and those who cant. most manage it. since it is an expression of self control really. so taking it away from them as an option is usualy the worst thing you can do. cause its gotta come out somewhere and theres worse ways of letting it come out. certainly dont celebrate it. you can even say you wish they would stop but just leave it at that. in fact the best thing ive found in my experience is to trivialize it and treat them as a friend so its just an itty bitty part of who they are and they can grab hold of more positive elements to themself and their relationship to you rather then suddenly have the entire focus of your relationship with them on the cutting.

dern it... i went ahead and gave my stupid advice even though yer done taking it after all...

[Pirate]

you must have had some experience with this me thinks

Don't even get me started on the crazy stuff my friends have done. One of my friends is constantly talking about suicide saying how she wishes she where dead. I've tried to tell her thoughts like that are a little thing called "being a teenager" but it doesn’t stop her. She's always cutting herself. She's got these little bumps all up her arms from stabbing herself with safety pins and such. She even does it during school. I try to take it lightly. If she really was going to kill herself she'd of done it by now, the only thing she's experiencing is teenage angst.

[Insidious Rex]

teenage angst has paid off well
now im bored and old...

yeah unfortunately crisis girls are a dime a dozen. yer doing it right. you dont have to approve of it but hey its her life right? and hopefully the hormones will clear before anything permenant is damaged.

[Hemel]

That was good stuff, IR, I think, that you said, post before last one The only extra thing I'd add here, and maybe I take a slightly stronger line, is that there's another type of self-harmer too, and that's the person who's doing it as a fashion statement. They exist also, and to the detriment, sadly, of the people who do have real problems.

For harming as self-control - yes, the harmers I've known have said it makes them feel good, releases stuff ... although one harmer I knew used to carve the most dreadful things on her arms, words about how she saw herself, none of which were nice words. But that it does somehow bring a release I think is the case - even this harmer said that.

But the point about it is that there are all sorts of other ways to get releases, and all sorts of other ways of learning how to cope with things. That's why I think that sometimes a few sessions of counselling/psychotherapy is a good thing, because there are so many different ways that a problem like this (and I do see wanting to harm oneself as a problem in our particular culture) can be approached.

For Pirate ... yes, sometimes this kind of thing can be teenage angst, and people say odd things. But the problem is knowing the difference, like when someone really is feeling rough. For my part, I would never ignore when someone talks about suicide - that's for two reasons. Firstly, because if someone then does, I don't want ever to feel, oh I knew and could have done something about it and didn't, and secondly, and much much more importantly, people who talk about it can go on to do it. So I would always say I am going to tell someone, and I would report it to someone like a tutor, a parent, a doctor, whatever, that this has been said. Because after all, that could just be the time that someone's life gets saved ... and frankly I think that if someone does talk about suicide, then maybe they could do with having someone to help them anyway, and saying something could lead to their getting the help.

[Insidious Rex]

Originally posted by Hemel
The only extra thing I'd add here, and maybe I take a slightly stronger line, is that there's another type of self-harmer too, and that's the person who's doing it as a fashion statement. They exist also, and to the detriment, sadly, of the people who do have real problems.

very good point. its become the flavor of the day among many a teen. as to the point of reporting all suicide talk. Im pretty sure what pirate was talking about was the drama queens who love to go on and on about killing themselves for attention if nothing else. if you hear it a thousand times from the same person and you know that person well enough usually you can be pretty sure about just how serious they really are about doing such a thing. if we were to force every teen who ever talked about suicide into counseling the high schools would be empty. now if you hear someone who DOESNT usually act like that speak of suicide then thats a whole different situation. whats scary is that most succesful suicides are done by people who DONT jump up and down announcing their intentions. Depression generally keeps them from being vocal about it.

[Hemel]

Yes, I agree about drama queens. I agree also, that the one severely depressed person I knew never spoke about suicide, and she was most definitely suicidal, because she attempted it. Though on the other hand, I do think it's a myth that people who talk about suicide don't do it ... they do

There's no issue though about forcing every one who talks about suicide into counselling, and ultimately, unless someone ends up sectioned, their actions are up to them, and they can take help or not, as they feel fit.

But for the more drama queen type that talks about suicide, sometimes I think also they're using such talk as manipulation. For them, if they are more messing about, a possibility that such talk will be reported back I think maybe can stop them doing that sort of talk ... which eases the burden on the person they're saying it to, and also I think perhaps helps stop deflecting attention from the people who really do need help.

I know everyone won't agree with me, and I'm certainly not a counsellor or psychotherapist, so I'm not trained or qualified to speak with authority. These are just personal views. Anyway, my stance is now that if someone says about suicide I will pass it on to someone who is better equipped to deal with it than I am.

[Bombadillo]

Well I as arule never get involved in somebody else's "drama" unless it already affectss me. This way it doesn't seem like the person is a spectacle who draws the attention of strangers for being so "wierd" or something. You know?

But if I already know the person, and they need obvious help, I'll do it, but subtlely. Then again, my best friend is around drugs a lot, but he refuses to use them. He asked me a while ago to keep track of him, and beat the **** out of him if I ever find out that he's harming himself. Bit of an oxymoron, but I think it will be effective if the time ever comes.

[eowyngirl14]

one of my best friends cuts herself. well she did until she got help.

my personal view on veiw on people who cut themselves is that they need professional help. because cutting can lead to suicide and i dont think that anyone can handle having someones LIFE in their hands. in the end, if you just tell a guidance counsler or your parent, or their parent, i think they will thankyou in the end.

i know that my friend went and got help and was diagnosed with manic depression. and now shes really happy that her friends noticed something was wrong and made the right decisions. if we hadnt she could be DEAD now.

i read about people who cut themselves or do drugs and i just want to scream 'WHERE are their FREINDS!' if i was having trouble and was reorting to cutting i knwo that i would want my friends to do something about it. i would WANT them to help me. i wouldnt want to struggle alone.

[Lalaith_Elf]

if you don't want to talk to them, just try and do anything you can to make them think positive and to keep them happy. if they eventually tell you what they're doing just always be there to listen to them - even if they phone in the middle of the night when you're asleep - eventually you may - if your lucky - gently pursuade them to tell some one. a favorite teacher maybe. just don't let anyone leacture them on it. it can turn out worse. just support them and let them know that you love them and really care about whether they get hurt or not.

[Pirate]

The reason why I know this is just a phase for my friend is because I've gone through the same thing. I've cut myself I've begged for death to lift me from the pain of living. I never spoke of it to anyone but another friend who felt the same way but never got as far as self mutilation. Depression is something that happens when everything in you life is about to change. My friend got on anti-depressants and it made her feel worse. She used to talk about taking all her moms meds and ending it. All I'd say is "don't, not yet" I didn't want to go on without her to talk to. Then we got a plan to do it together. We never did. It was all talk and drama. It was just a side effect of getting older.
Nikki is a lot like how I was. She pokes herself with safety pins, has only cut herself once. I used safety pin too, I call it "cutting for those who are afraid of pain, the fakes and morons." I still don't think of life as peachy and a lot of times I see death as the only remedy but all well. I just say to myself "**** it" and carry on.

[Lalaith_Elf]

Originally posted by Pirate
The reason why I know this is just a phase for my friend is because I've gone through the same thing. I've cut myself I've begged for death to lift me from the pain of living. I never spoke of it to anyone but another friend who felt the same way but never got as far as self mutilation. Depression is something that happens when everything in you life is about to change. My friend got on anti-depressants and it made her feel worse. She used to talk about taking all her moms meds and ending it. All I'd say is "don't, not yet" I didn't want to go on without her to talk to. Then we got a plan to do it together. We never did. It was all talk and drama. It was just a side effect of getting older.
Nikki is a lot like how I was. She pokes herself with safety pins, has only cut herself once. I used safety pin too, I call it "cutting for those who are afraid of pain, the fakes and morons." I still don't think of life as peachy and a lot of times I see death as the only remedy but all well. I just say to myself "**** it" and carry on.

I know what you mean. Both my best friends used to do it, and i have a couple of times. and it's not nice. i even tried to commit suicide. but i'm alot better now, i helped them to stop and in return tehy helped me. i still get depressed alot and the medical cabnet does look good at times, but then i just end up going out instead. i take life as a total joke now. when im with my friends we almost never stop laughing, which also helps. it's just finding a way out of that depression which is hard and then trying not to fall back into it. i know that i'll never try and take the easy way out again, it's just not how i live now.

[eowyngirl14]

i just dont get it. how can someone seriously want to END their own LIFE? how do you kow it wont be even worse once your dead?

and how can you sit there when one og your friends wants to end their life, i just dont get it.

i know that i will neve be able to vut myself. i hate pain, i still cry when i get shots at the doctors office.