Lyrd of the Ryngs - Return of Good Architecture

[Grey_Wolf]

This is the continuation of Lyrd of the Ryngs - The Homies.

We are at the end of Book 5 chapter 9: The Last Debate.

The debate has been done and the marshalling of troops.
Useful site:
http://www.kevnet.com:9000/LOTR%20TE...he%20Ring.html

[Grey_Wolf]

And when they had reckoned up all their strength and taken thought for the journeys they should make and the roads they should choose, Imrahil suddenly laughed aloud.
"Surely," he cried, "this is the greatest jest in all the history of Gondor: that we should drive with seven thousands, scarce as many as the vanguard of its army in the days of its power, to assail the mountains and the impenetrable gate of the Black Land! So might a child threaten a bodyarmoured soldier with a slingshot! If the Dark Lawyer knows so much as you say, Mithrandir, will he not rather smile than fear, and with his little finger crush us like a fly that tries to sting him?"
"No, he will try to trap the fly and take the sting," said Gandalf. "And there are names among us that are worth more than a thousand commandos apiece. No, he will not smile."
"Neither shall we," said Aragorn. "If this be jest, then it is too bitter for laughter. Nay, it is the last move in a great jeopardy, and for one side or the other it will bring the end of the game." Then he drew Andúril the Powersaw and held it up glittering in the sun. "You shall not be sheathed again until the last battle is fought;" he said.

[Grey_Wolf]

Book 6 Chapter 10: The Black Gate Opens

Two days later the army of the West was all assembled on the Pelennor. The host of Orcs and Easterlings had turned back out of Anórien, but harried and scattered by the Rohirrim they had broken and fled with little fighting towards Cair Andros; and with that threat destroyed and new strength arriving out of the South the City was as well manned as might be. Scouts reported that no enemies remained upon the roads east as far as the Cross-roads of the Fallen King. All now was ready for the last throw.

At last the loudspeakers rang and the army began to move. Infantry troop by troop, and cavalry company by company, they wheeled off eastward. And long after they had passed away out of sight down the great road to the Causeway, Merry stood there. The last glint of the morning sun on armour and bodysuits twinkled and was lost, and still he remained with bowed head and heavy heart, feeling friendless and alone. Everyone that he cared for had gone away into the gloom that hung over the distant eastern sky; and little hope at all was left in his heart that he would ever see any of them again.

Legolas and Gimli were to drive their very own hummer together in the company of Aragorn and Gandalf, who went in the van with the Dúnedain and the sons of Elrond. But Merry to his shame was not to go with them.
"You are not fit for such a journey," said Aragorn. "But do not be ashamed. If you do no more in this war, you have already earned great honour. Peregrin shall go and represent the Shirefolk; and do not grudge him his chance of peril, for though he has done as well as his fortune allowed him, he has yet to match your deed. But in truth all now are in like danger. Though it may be our part to find bitter end before the Gate of Mordor, if we do so, then you will come also to a last stand, either here or wherever the black tide overtakes you. Farewell!"

And so despondently Merry now stood and watched the mustering of the army. Bergil was with him, and he also was downcast; for his father was to march leading a company of the Men of the City: he could not rejoin the Guard until his case was judged. In that same company Pippin was also to go, as a soldier of Gondor. Merry could see him not far off, a small but upright figure among the tall men of Minas Tirith.

The army of the west passed thru ithilien and reached the Roundabout of the King where the Aragorn dispatched a number of engineers to repair the statue and set the roundabout in order again.

They then continued on until they reached the wasteland in front of the Gates.

[Farimir Captain of Gondor]

When they came upon the Black Gate they saw the lawyers clad in black sitting atop the tower blabbing on their cell phones. The lawyers then turned to watch them as they approached. Pippen looked up and flipped them all the bird.

Gandolf took the lead with Aragorn and the sons of Elrond behind him. Also came Eomer, Imrahil, Legolas, Gimli, and Pippin. When they got to the foot of the gate Aragorn spoke:

"Let the Lord of the Dark Lawyers come forth! He is to be disbarred and sent to the retirement lands in Florida where he will play canasta and loose to elderly women for ever."

There was a long silence and they were about to begain tossing the rotten eggs they had brought at the gate when out of no where "It's Raining Men" began to blare from behind the Black Gate.

The gate swung open and what appeared like a blue-spikey haired woman, clad in a pink jogging suit with a matching pink boa, and ridding a pink scooter came out of it. As the figure got near they realized it was actually a man! He had on a peacock mask and spoke in a high pitched voice:

"Look at all these strapping young men, yummy. I am the Mouth Of Sauron, and this mouth ain't use for just talking. Who here is a pedacurist? Cause honey, my feet are in need of some serious help." He turned to Aragorn, "Is that a power tool in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

Aragorn did not reply. He simply shook is head. Gandolf spoke up:

"No one here as made any advances towards you so keep yours to yourself."

The Mouth then responded

"Ohh, graybeard. You've been hiding from me. You can't stay in the closet forever honey. This time you've stuck your staff in the wrong black hole. Heheheheh. I have something I was suppose to show you, now where did I put it?" He rummaged through his pockets pulling out things that should not be spoken in any land. "Ah, here it is." He pulled out Frodo's bulletproof armor.
Pippen let out a cry. "Be quiet" Gandolf barked at him.

"So, you've got another little man with huh? Well I like em little, just the right height." The Mouth said in very girlie voice."I see this one was dear to you guys. Know that I will tie him up and have my way with him. Ohhh, it will be fun. I've got a pair of pink fuzzy cuffs just waiting for him. So, you dashing, juicy, men ready to hear the terms of Sauron?"

"I'm not sure I want to know now," Gandolf said, "but go ahead"

[The last sane person]

An lo! the foulmouth of Sauron didst lay down the tokens begot from frodo. And Pipin was much aggrieved and gave the Foulmouth a mighty two handed birdy after being thwaped to the back by Gandalf.

"So, you've got another little man with huh? Well I like em little, just the right height." The Mouth said in very girlie voice."I see this one was dear to you guys. Know that I will tie him up and have my way with him. Ohhh, it will be fun. I've got a pair of pink fuzzy cuffs just waiting for him. So, you dashing, juicy, men ready to hear the terms of Sauron?"

"I'm not sure I want to know now," Gandolf said, "but go ahead"

The girly foulmouth didst grin! (Or, at least tried to grin, it would be another hour till the Bowtox allowed him too) "The terms are these, Oh studs of the west!" From his armored pockets he drew forth a list and was about to read it. "Er..Well honeys, let me paraphrase it." The scroll he pulled out unraveled all the way from his seat on his monsterous ATV all the way to the feet of Aragorn. "You are to be slaves forever, and a.." He GIGGLED, "Worthy Over Lord shall be assigned to you to do what he will when he will."

Eomer growled to himself, "That smug poof...be damned if that happens..."

Gandalf spoke up, "And then let me paraphrase for you: Tell the Dark Lawyer to go shove it!"

And the foulmouth was booty smacked by the power and authority of the host infront of him. He engaged the choke and throttled back, as though threatened. "Discrimination!"

"None here have threatened you, but if that is how you feel, go tell that dark Lawyer to get his dark butt over here so we can throw down!"

[Rían]

"Throw him down!" repeated the foulmouth (and lipsticked-mouth) Mouth of Sauron. "Woo hoo! Sounds fun! Oh, wait - you mean, like, get rid of him? Nay, neigh, nay! We have these tokens and we KNOW what they mean, and you can't deny that we have them! Neener neener!"

"I do not wish to deny them," said Gandalf. "Indeed, I know them all and all their history, and despite your scorn, foul Mouth of Sauron, you cannot say as much. But why do you bring them here?"

"Dwarf-coat, elf-cloak, blade of the downfallen West, and spy from the little rat-land of the Shire - nay; do not start! We know it well - here are the marks of a conspiracy."

And lo! of a sudden, Michael Moore's voice was heard like a voice from the heavens, saying, "Could you repeat that just a little louder, please? I need a soundbite for the news tonight! I love conspiracies! I see them everywhere! And when even I can't see them, I makes 'em up! Now, what was that about the Republican party?"

[EarthBound]

The interloper Mr. Moore only became more obstinate as the parley (as a group) continued to ignore him. suddenly a large fat man fell from the top of the gate..."Boooiinngggg!!!!" There upon he quickly bounced away on his twinkee gut, never to be seen upon middle earth again (ahem!!!!). None the less, the whole 'man bouncing away on his stomach thing' was a bit preposterous, even for the experienced homies (and Lyrders), which created an unfortunate 'lull' in the conversation.

"errrrrr, sooo. We were saying what?" Asked Mighty Mouth.

"Uhm, right, we were to discuss, errrrr, something and something, errrr then some such was to occurr...I think," stammered Gandalf, momentary thrown off his game.

*Awkward silence...*

*Pippin jingles with the change in his pocket, catching everyone's attention for a moment......he stops doing it*

*Mighty Mouth fingers with the cute plastic ribbons that extended out the end of his handlebars. He looks up and asks, "Wanna see me do a wheelie?!"

Suddenly Aragorn slapped his forehead. "Hey, that's right, I was saying...Tell your Boss that his days of industrial greed, moral bankruptcy, and indecent dental plans are over!"

[Lady Marion Magdalena]

And yet again there was awkward silence, till at last Pippin spoke up, "Hadn't we got past that bit?"

Both sides thought for a bit more till at last the foul and lipsticked Mouth of Sauron recalled where it had been interrupted.
"A conspiracy!" It cried, and cleared its throat triumphantly, "Now, maybe the honey who bore these things was a... favorite of yours, not that I'm implying anything, but maybe one you'll grieve for on long, lonely nights? If so take swift counsel, for his fate depends your choice."

To this they gave no response, but the FoulMouth saw their faces grey with fear and horror in their eyes and it laughed, leering most inappropriately. "Wunderbar! So he was a sweety! Or else his mission was one you wished to keep in the closet? It's out. And now he shall endure the slow torment of years, as long and slow as our arts in the Great Tower can contrive, and never be released, unless maybe when he is changed and broken, so that he may come to you, and you shall see what you have done. This shall surely be-unless you accept my Boss' terms."

[Grey_Wolf]

"Which is?" Gandalf asked simply, but they could see that he was a bit shaken at news of Frodo's capture.

"OK, here goes." said the spiffed up sissy Mouth."The retro-garbed rabble of Gondor and its equally awfully dressed allies shall withdraw beyond the Anduin first writing contracts of utter servitude for working in my Haute Couture factories. Never to form unions protesting such conditions, open or secret. All lands east of the Anduin shall be Sauron's for ever, solely. West of the Misty Mountains and the Gap of Rohan shall be a tributary to Mordor Inc. and men there shall not be armed and only wear what i see fit for them to, but they shall be left alone to manage their own affairs, tho. But they shall help in the rebuilding of Isengard which was so wantanley destroyed. It shall be the condominum of Sauron's Representative, his lieutenant, not Saruman, but one he can trust."

Looking in his eyes, they saw that he was to be that lieutentant, and force all the West to live by his orders and taste in clothes. In utter serfdom in the sewing factories he'll no doubt set up before long.

[Grey_Wolf]

But Gandalf said:

"This is too much too demand for the delivery of one servant: that we shall give your Master all that he wants in exchange for this person instead of him having to fight many more battles in order to defeat us. Or has the field of Gondor so crushed his hopes of winning that he now falls to petty haggling. And even if we did rate this prisoner that highly, what surety do we have that Sauron, Drugdealing lying scum that he is, will keep his end of the bargain. Where is this prisoner? Let him be brought forth and yielded to us and we will consider these demands."

[Rían]

It seemed then to Gandalf, intent, watching him as a man engaged in mud-wrestling with a deadly foe, that for the taking of a breath the Messenger was at a loss, as when one's wrestling uniform gets in a wedgie; yet swiftly he laughed again.

[Grey_Wolf]

"Do not be cheeky with the Mouth of Sauron in your insolence towards the Dark Lord." he cried."Assurances you crave! Well, Sauron does not give any. If wish for leaniency you must first comply with our demands."

"These we take!" said Gandalf suddenly, he cast aside his white leather jacket and a bright halogen lamp which shone like the sun was lit in the darkness of the Dark Lord. Blasted with that intense light the prissy messenger recoiled and Gandald came forth and seized the tokens which he had brought forth: the body armour, the cloak and the powerdrill."These we will take in memory our friend." he cried."But as for your terms, we reject them utterly. Begone, for your embassy is over and death is near you. We did not come here to negotiate with Sauron, criminalboss and head drugdealer that he is; neiter did we come her to so with one of his slaves. Begone!

[Grey_Wolf]

"Don't hurt me! I didn't mean any harm! I'll go now, you itchy-tempered old man. Don't expect to be invited to my tea-parties any time soon." shrieked the messenger sissy.

Then he turned and walked back to the Black Gates. His face was twisted with amazement and anger to the likeness of some wild beast that, as it crouches on its prey, is smitten on the muzzle with a stinging rod. Rage filled him and his mouth slavered, and shapeless sounds of fury came strangling from his throat. But he looked at the fell faces of the Captains and their deadly eyes, and fear overcame his wrath. He gave a great cry, and turned, leaped upon his ATV, and as he did so he grabbed a loudspeaker and gave the prearranged signal for Sauron's trap to be sprung.

[Rían]

Drums rolled and fires leaped up. Tubes of lipstick in assorted just-short-of-tasteful colors were tossed over the wall at the Captains of the West. The great doors of the Black Gate swung back wide. Out of it streamed a great host as swiftly as swirling waters when a sluice is lifted.

The Captains mounted again and rode back. "Gandalf and his stupid ideas!" muttered Aragorn under his breath, as he revved up his powersaw. From the host of Mordor there went up a jeering yell and the sound of "Play that Funky Music, White Boy" blasting from innumerable ghetto blasters. Dust rose smothering the air, as from nearby there marched up an army of Easterlings that had waited for the signal in the shadows of Ered Lithui beyond the further Tower, boogying to the music of "Stayin' Alive". Down from the hills on either side of the Morannon poured Orcs innumerable, all with their iPods playing "Can't Touch That" through their portable speaker systems. The din was horrific. The men of the West were trapped, immobilized by the horror of the blending and clashing music types, and soon all about the grey mounds where they stood, forces ten times and more than ten times their match would ring them in a sea of enemies. Sauron had taken the proffered bait in jaws of steel - and to add insult to injury, was taking it with music of questionable artistic value. Only Legolas of the Elves remained calm, as he turned up the volume on his Elven iPod and readjusted the ear buds.

Suddenly, from the Dark Tower rose a melody above all other melodies: The Dark Lord blasting "I Only Have Eyes - er, Eye - for You" through the innumerable rock-speakers concealed around the Black Gate.

[The last sane person]

Though, alas for the Captians of the west! That was not all, the easterlings came in from their flank, blaring their bollywood tunes and doing assorted dance routines, much to the horror of the Roherrim! The wind blew, and the Ipods sang, and tasteless lipstick whined; but the sun now climbing towards the South was veiled in the industrial fumes of Mordor, and through a threatening haze it gleamed, complete with carsinogens, leads and other cancer inducing nasties, remote, a sullen red, as if it were the ending of the day, or the end maybe of all the world of light. And out of the gathering mirk the Nazgûl came with their cold voices crying words of death and tasteless fashion sense; and then all hope was quenched.

Pippin had bowed crushed with horror when he heard Gandalf reject the terms and doom Frodo to the torment of the Tower and the Dark Lawyers within; but he had mastered himself, and now he stood beside Beregond in the front rank of Gondor with Imrahil's troopers. For it seemed best to him to die soon and leave the bitter story of his life, since all was in ruin.

"I wish Merry was here," he heard himself saying, and quick thoughts raced through his mind, even as he watched the enemy come charging to the assault. "Well, well, now at any rate I understand poor Denethor a little better. We might die together, Merry and I, and since die we must, why not? Well, as he is not here, I hope he'll find an easier end. But now I must do my best."

He drew his mighty wrench and looked at it, and the intertwining shapes of red and gold; and the flowing characters of Númenor glinted like fire upon the the haft. "This was made for just such an hour," he thought. "If only I could smite that foul Messenger with it, then almost I should draw level with old Merry. Well, I'll smite some of this beastly Union Brood before the end. I wish I could see cool sunlight and green grass again!"

Then even as he thought these things the first assault crashed into them, atop their twisted ATVs and APCs they mowed down those infront of them. The ORCerS hindered by the mires that lay before the hills halted and poured their nails from their nail guns into the defending ranks. But through them there came striding up, roaring like beasts, a great company of hill-trolls out of Gorgoroth. Taller and broader than Men they were, and they were clad only in close-fitting mesh of horny scales, or maybe that was their hideous hide; but they bore round bucklers huge and black and wielded heavy jackhammers in their knotted hands. Reckless they sprang into the pools and waded across, bellowing as they came. Like a storm they broke upon the line of the men of Gondor, and beat upon helm and head, and arm and shield as smiths hewing the hot bending iron. At Pippin's side Beregond was stunned and overborne, and he fell; and the great troll-chief that smote him down bent over him, reaching out a clutching claw; for these fell creatures would bite the throats of those that they threw down.

Then Pippin stabbed upwards, and the written Wrench of Westernesse pierced through the hide and went deep into the vitals of the troll, and his black blood came gushing out. He toppled forward and came crashing down like a falling rock, burying those beneath him. Blackness and stench and crushing pain came upon Pippin, and his mind fell away into a great darkness.

"So it ends as I guessed it would," his thought said, even as it fluttered away; and it laughed a little within him ere it fled, almost gay it seemed to be casting off at last all doubt and care and fear. And then even as it winged away into forgetfulness it heard voices, and they seemed to be crying in some forgotten world far above:
"The Fighter Jets are coming! The Fighter Jets are coming!"

[Grey_Wolf]

Book 6 Chapter 1: The Tower of Cirith Ungol

Sam roused himself painfully from the cement floor. For a moment he wondered where he was, and then all the misery and despair returned to him. He was in the deep dark outside the nethermost door of the ORC Condominum Tower Complex. The door was closed, and he did not know access-code. He must have knocked himself silly when he tried his high-jump trick in getting over to the other side. Then he had been on fire, desperate and furious; now he was shivering and cold (the ORCers not needing the air conditioning kept on here in the outer corridor). He crept to the door and pressed his ear against it.

[Grey_Wolf]

Far within he could faintly hear voiced of the ORCers clamouring, but soon they stopped or passed out of hearing, and all was still. His head ached, he was completely out of Aspirin, and his eyes saw phantom lights in the darkness, but he struggled to steady himself and think.

It was clear, anyway, that he had no hope of getting into the ORC condominiums through that code-locked door; he might wait for days before it was opened, and he could not wait: time was desperately precious. He no longer had any doubt about his duty: he must rescue his master or perish in the attempt.

"The perishing is more likely, and will be a lot easier anyway." he said, as he sheathed Sting the Soldering Iron, and turned from the code-locked door.

Slowly he groped his way back in the dark along the tunnel, not daring to use the halogen lamp; and as he went he tried to fit together the events since Frodo and he had left the Cross-roads roundabout. He wondered what time it was. Somewhere between one day and the next, he supposed; but even of the days he had lost count.

He was in a land of darkness where the days of the world seemed forgotten, and where all who entered were forgotten too.

"I wonder if they think of us at all." he said."And what is happening to them all away there." He waved his hand vaguely in the air before him; but he was in fact facing southwards, as he came back to Shelob's tunnel, not west.

Out westward in the world it was drawing to noon upon the fourteenth day of March in the Shire-reckoning, and even now Aragorn was leading the Fleet of Black Trawlers from Pelargir, and Merry was driving with the Rohirrim Armoured Cavalry Regiments down the Ancient Freeway, while in Minas Tirith flames were rising and Pippin watched the madness growing in the eyes of Denethor. Yes amid all their cares and fear the thoughts of their friends turned constantly to Frodo and Sam. They were not forgotten. But they were far beyond aid, and no thought could yet bring any help to Samwise, Hamfast's son; he was utterly alone.

[Grey_Wolf]

He came back at last to the first door of the orc-passage, and still unable to discover the keypad in which to open it, he scrambled over as before and dropped softly to the ground. Then he made his way stealthily to the outlet of Shelob's tunnel, where the rags of her great web were still blowing and swaying in the cold airs. For cold they seemed to Sam after the noisome darkness behind; but the breath of them revived him. He crept cautiously out.

All was ominously quiet. The light was no more than that of dusk at a dark day's end. The vast industrial vapours that arose in Mordor and went streaming westward passed low overhead, a great welter of cloud and smoke now lit again beneath with a sullen glow of red.

[Grey_Wolf]

Sam looked up towards the Condominium Tower Complex and suddenly the red strip lights flashed on in the windows.

He wondered how many ORCers there were up there - and as that query came to his mind, the fear of the ORCers forgotten for a while in his wrath and desperation, returned.

As far as he could see, there was only one possible course for him to take: he must go and try to find the Main Entrance to the Complex. But his knees felt weak, and he found that he was trembling.

Drawing his eyes down from the tower and the horns of the Cleft before him, he forced his unwilling feet to obey him, and slowly, listening with all his ears, peering into the dense shadows of the rocks beside the way, he retraced his steps, past the place where Frodo fell, and still the stench of Shelob lingered, and then on and up, until he stood again in the very cleft where he had opened the Package and seen Shagrat's company go by.

[Grey_Wolf]

There he halted and sat down. For the moment he could drive himself no further. He felt that if once he went beyond the crown of the pass and took one step veritably down into the land of Mordor, that step would be irrevocable. He could never come back. Without any clear purpose he brought forth the Package and opened it again. Immediately he felt the great burden of its weight, and felt afresh, but now more strong and urgent than ever, the malice of the Eye of Mordor, searching, trying to pierce the shadows that it had made for its own defence, but which now hindered it in its unquiet and doubt.