Interviws with Three Villains

[hectorberlioz]

Interviews with Three Villains

Part I: Interview with Darth Vader


Boba: Terrible evening ladies and gentlemen, I’m Boba Fett.

E.Leia: And I’m E Leia Skywalker. Tonight Boba and I will interview three of the most popular villains alive.

Boba: Let’s welcome Darth Vader.

[Vader enters and sits next to Leia]

Boba: applaud!

[Audience applauds]

Boba: good…uh,uh, I mean terrible evening Vader…

Vader: yes it is Boba

Leia: we’ve got three primary questions tonight about your success as a villain.
The first is: how do you relate to young people?
And what message do you want to give em tonight?

Boba: and how you advise them as to financial success?

Vader: uh Boba, Leia, I think the main question here is: do young people feel angry? You know, my mom always said that anger could be used for good ends. And in my case the good was to serve myself. So the message I want to give to young people tonight is: use your anger to get what you want.

Boba: what a good idea, my parents always taught me the opposite of that, and I always disobeyed. It’s always good to disobey your parents when it comes to anger. You should always do the opposite of what your parents tell you.

Leia: if Vader’s mom told him how to use anger, and he obeyed, shouldn’t you have listened to your parents?

Boba: good point Leia, but it was different for me since I never had real parents.

Leia: that means we shouldn’t disobey our parents, only people who aren’t our parents.

Boba: well when you put it that way…alright, they were my real parents, but not my biological pares, at least one of them.

Leia: my argument still applies.

Boba: [clears s throat] back to business, our next question for you Vader is: how do you cope with the press and scandals?

Vader: [folds his hands]: well, Boba, I try to avoid scandal as much as possible. So many newspaper, news channel, magazine journalists approach me, I can’t keep track at all, which is why I try to keep hidden from the world.

Leia: but Vader, as a villain wouldn’t you be hiding away because of the authorities? I mean, what you did was really bad; it caused a lot of turmoil.

Boba: now wait a minute Leia, what you say what Vader did was bad, but define bad.

Leia: who cares! It was bad because people suffer and get into financial tight-spots!

Boba: Leia, you’re naming all theses things as bad, but why? Getting into a financial tight sot might be a good thing, the money that the government takes from you - because your house was blown down by a wolf - so that you could pay for the damage might go to the lottery, and somebody like a student or me could win it and we’d be rich! Is that bad? Maybe some of the people needed to starve, imagine if your were fat and one day a wolf-

Vader: do I really look like a wolf?

Boba: -ate all your food, it would be good because you’d be forced to get thinner.

Leia: and go to an early grave?

Boba: if it was good for you yes. Death can be a good you know. Say someone wanted to kill you and hated your guts, but you killed yourself first, you’d be doing them a favor.

Vader: maybe its time for me to go…

Part II: Interview with Count Olaf

Boba: terrible evening, Olaf.

Olaf: no thank you Boba, oh wait! I take that back!

Leia:…? Our first question is how did you finally get a hold of the Baudelaire fortune?

Olaf: well, I never was able to. I finally got so tired of waiting that I pushed them into a creek and drowned them…I think. But oh well, there are plenty of fortunes out there for me to take.

Boba: now that they’re gone, what will the fortune be used for now?

Olaf: Probably for dying children Africa, which is a complete waste, in my humble opinion. Really! Shouldn’t the money go towards being used for buying more costumes for my acting troupe?

Boba: or for paying for poor people’s debts?

Olaf: or for buying a years supply of the world’s most expensive chocolate?

Boba: or for buying some orphaned children some shoes and socks?

Olaf: or for extravagant productions of The Marvelous Marriage?

Leia: alright, let’s ask the next question. What’s your personal opinion on the fashion of today?

Olaf: today’s popular dress trend is very stupid. Really! Who would wear a casual t-shirt and corduroys into public? Not me

Leia: well, what is good fashion then?

Olaf: Every single person who is smart enough to call himself a man ought to wear lime-green pants with a matching suspenders and a dark blue blouse. Don’t ask me about women’s clothes, that’s Esme’s realm.

Boba: well that’s about all, thank you…oh I mean, no thank you Olaf.

Part III: Interview with Saruman

Boba: Saruman, good evening!

Saruman: why thank you Boba.

Leia: I have an idea you don’t feel you were portrayed right in the Lord of the Rings films…

Saruman: that’s right, I wasn’t I thought they were pretty unfair to me in the movies, putting Gandalf in the spotlight and all...

[Protests from audience]

Saruman: shut up stupid! I don’t care who you care more for! Tolkien wrote me as a prominent character!

Leia: just ignore them, here’s your next question: why is that your films are always accused of unseemly violence and gore?

Saruman: the public is not responding as approvingly I admit, but critics love my movies.

Leia: is that why Vader, the movie critic tore apart your movie “Down the Toilet and Back”?

Saruman: that’s an exception

Leia: and Ric Olie criticized “Remy out the Toilet” for blatant profanity?

Saruman: that’s also an exception

Leia: in fact most of the critics have criticized you extensively.

Saruman: I guess I’ll have to make a lot of exceptions.

[Crosses his legs]

Boba: Leia, you really put people in a hot seat with your questions.

Leia: is that an opinion or a fact?

Boba: well I can’t really tell…is there a difference?

Leia: well you tell me!

Saruman: hmm…well I think your psychosocialyctic questions are quite pervious, Leia.

Leia: can you explain what that means?

Saruman: I’d love to but I’ve got to go, I’ve got a literature class to teach. Adieu!

[Saruman exits quickly]

Boba: thank you ladies and gentlemen and good night.

Leia: and thank you for watching this program

THE END

[Curubethion]

That was pretty good.