NEW! the memoirs of hectorberlioz

[hectorberlioz]

“SGH told me that JD told her that Jonathan was repeating something that Earniel was thinking about saying to him but never got around to it.”-Excerpt from the Memoirs



Toscanini: Tell me, when were you born?... And in what month? …and what day? …

Player: I think it was a Tuesday, Maestro.

Toscanini: THAT was a black day for music!



Introduction

Dear Entmootians, here is my jargonized, romanticized, pluralized, lionized, and largely fictitious Memoirs. Not that most of these things aren’t true, but are written as seen through rose-colored glasses.
I’ve worked hard to be entertaining and funny (as much as I am capable of), and there are plenty of laughs at some people’s expenses, though the underlying joke there is always the “funny” way I put it. And these people I am on good terms with, so I mean no offenses whatsoever…though I wish the things that happen were true.
The inspiration to write these sprung from two things: 1) the real Berlioz’s famous Memoirs (and the completely un-capitalized name of my memoirs is a play on the ALL capitalized title of the real thing), a very entertaining read even if you don’t know much about music. Very much recommended. 2) From Butterbeer’s success with his Memoirs, and a friendly determination to outdo him.
I sometimes don’t convince myself. In parts the language is strained, giving the impression of filtered coffee. But maybe this is good? In the advent age of Coffee as an institution for your constitution, having even the nitty gritty coffee grains may not be whole, and voraciously, healthy for your system.
For example: A million little pieces. The truth may be there, but it is covered with glossy sin. And who would buy a truthful memoir anyways? Look what it did to Goldie Hawn. Now she’s bothered by the people who say she was too realistically “brutal”.
“Oh why?!” they cry outside her bedroom window: “why the hard facts?” And really Goldie? Why’d you have to go and spoil our party? Surely you know that we conservatives have a lot more in common with scientology than just the religious aspect? Ever heard of positive thinking, eh Miss Hawn?

I’m just kidding about Goldie Hawn, and the rest after.



the memoirs of hectorberlioz


Caution: These memoirs may often portray decent people (including the author) as conceited, piggish, priggish, and swaggering. These traits may or may not be true of the people, but are used here for the sake of having a colorful memoir written for the enjoyment of the general public.
Though the author acknowledges that he is not all the good things attributed to him here in this account, he would nevertheless like to propropriate* this as the definitive account of his life.
All resemblances with real people or situations are coincidences…oh wait…oh darn!

*yes I know that’s not a real word, BoP.




[i]The Author would like to dedicate this work to all his friends at Entmoot,
And that means everyone…
But a special thanks especially to Nurvingiel for being the temporary President in my absence, and for being such a dedicated friend, who tolerated me piling music suggestions on her, my late night conversations, and for letting me win (though she more than made up for it since…) the race to 1000.

Small Ode to Nurvingiel

Nurvvy, thou art great,
Your scintillating words,
Written on a golden slate.

And your poetry
Beyond compare,
Makes me compare you,
With the great Baudelaire.


1. In which soon-to-be Hector finds Entmoot, joins the board, makes friends, and discovers the meaning of “Ruinel”.

The name “Entmoot” can come up frequently when you look up “Lord of the Rings”, and on one of these occasions I finally took the plunge and signed up. Naively I thought that the board was confined only to the Lord of the Rings. A few weeks had me corrected of course.
When I joined I was still in the thrall of having seen The Two Towers, which I liked (and still do), and Fellowship will always be my favorite of both book and film.
Like many, I gradually grew disenchanted with PJ’s vision. And RotK (despite it’s inspired moments) did a lot to make me dislike the overall achievement…

I was somewhat unwittingly plunged into the furious debate between Jerseydevil and Black Breathalizer (though I didn’t know it back then, I was in a Bruckner situation) concerning the faithfulness of the films…Of course I was willing to take up the banner for the films, and after being infuriated by a few posts by JD and Ruinel (who chewed me out first day, bless her soul), I started propounding my own arguments. I was very indignant. How could these people be so mean to a newbie? (I was also befuddled as to why Some-BAWDY kept putting my arguments into one roster, when I’d created about five…it was Khamul. ) But I was lucky that I wasn’t a fangurl. A leggyluvver. Ruinel (and later even I indulged in mimicry) took great pleasure in showing off the colorful fires of her multi-faceted torch to fangurls.

A somewhat breathtaking step (and I should reveal that Entmoot was my first excursion into the world of internet message boarding) was taking the plunge into the “serious” threads of General Messages. To this day, I am somewhat frustrated by my first post there…I didn’t yet know how to quote someone, and the person I was responding to was pages back from the latest posts, so my post sounded quite primitive. (And to make it worse for me, Ruinel responded to it, which basically annihilated my post to cinders. But how was she to know the real purpose of it?)

My next big step was in creating the “LotR Remake” thread, which, to put it lightly, catapulted me into fame. Honestly, I’ve never known such fast post packing ever since. (At least, not for my threads) It’s a real shame that I haven’t made a step in real life to bring about this enormous dream…Azalea has though.
It seems to me that for the first time, Mooters on both sides (PJ admirers, and devout Tolkienites, and even the middlers) of the LotR film issue were united. In fact, JD and BB both signed on as producers, though I promised to keep them on leashes.


Somewhat near this time, I thought I’d go ahead and court danger with the “Who’s your favorite Mod” thread, where SGH is my pet cat that accompanies me to soirees
(A fancy word I learned to love from reading War and Peace)…thankfully for me, SGH didn’t take the insults too hard, or I would have taken it too hard from her Stick of Wrath.
I guess this was the start of me and SGH’s friendship. (She and JD are the two mooters I’ve talked with the most).

My Buddies List grew a lot, (Ornelire Miste and Elfhelm are missed in the Classical Music discussions…they truly knew a lot, and it was nice to have professional musicians grace the board…not that we don’t have any still)
I know I PM’d the heck out of some people, especially poor Gwaimir- and I continue to do it still. (Gwaimir Windgem, and Ruinel were both patient with me -grammar and all- and I thank Ruinel for helping me with my first avatar.)
(p.s. I still wonder why Gwaimir didn’t like the Mozart Requiem)

Somewhere down the line I created the “Classical Music” thread, maybe not my most known work, but reading through it you’ll see it’s the subject I’m most dedicated to.
O! My early naïveté! When I read back on my early likes and dislikes, I see that it was for pretty small petty reasons. (Not that I still don’t think that same good ole’ way. For instance, my despised “enemy” conductor is Michael Tilson Thomas…so much do I dislike him that when a recording of Berlioz’s “Symphonie Fantastique” came by error of Amazon.com instead of what I really ordered, I gave the disc-with apparent disgust- to my sister. I do have my reasons for disliking him: in his more youthful days he was a pronounced brat about being shoved-he was very young at the time, and also because of his drug use-away from being director of music at the San Francisco Symphony. He is now director of that worthy institute-which I refuse to hear under his baton-and he has not lost a bit of his annoying Swaggert & Braggart I’m-so-much-better-than-anyone attitude.
P.S. my rejection of the Berlioz disc was firm in spite of the fact that it is a celebrated performance. Celebrated indeed. By the dark forces of evil maybe.)

Where was I? Oh yes. Early dislikes. I disliked Stravinsky then, but I love his work now. Handel also (though not mentioned in the thread) was disliked but now I see.
Flute and Harp? I like them a lot now, though I still frown on the over-mushificational* use of them.
And of course my taste has expanded from almost only orchestral music likes to chamber, solo, opera, and early music as well. (Johnny Cash has also found a special niche in my heart).
I think I’d better stop with the music there, or I’ll go on forever.

*There’s a new word for the ages!

Of notable interest in my history is the Entmoot Spring Ball. In our early days, Nurvingiel and I had fun pairing certain people together, but without them knowing it was us behind it all: successfully paired were Earnial and Jonathan, who at the time seemed to be the neatest pair since they are both in the north, scandinavia-ish. But now that I look back I see that Earnial is too good for him.
This thread, for the most part, still makes an intriguing read, if you want to look into the world of surface ‘moot politics. All the deft political thrusts are there, balanced with a tantalizing hint of romance. A suspense novel to be reckoned with.

An Ode to the Great Women of Entmoot

O stars, look down through the mist,
At the beautiful pale beauties,
That the morning dew hath kissed.

These are not normal women, no!
They are electric frights,
Towering to mighty heights,
That no bird may fly too!

They look down scrupulously
Down on the earth
Where the badger doth sleep,
Curl-ed in his hearth.

And their bolting arrows,
From their curv-ed bow.
Are their weapons to protect,
Those down below.

O! Stars! Do your eyes not see them!
Those far seeing eyes…From the heavens?

Witness Sister of the Golden Hair,
Her face so fair
And her fairness,
paired with her wrath.
Keeping things peaceful,
Giving people moral baths.

Witness Rian, The intellect,
How rarely comes about,
A mind so especially select?
A reputation with clout?

Lizra the Quick,
The Warrioress,
Her eye is sharp,
But she hath time for pleasure,
And oft playeth upon her Harp.

This triad of wisdom, experience and old age,
Doth protect a world where, much needed is sage.

2. In which Hector campaigns and wins the Second Entmoot Presidency, and some aftermath.

Sometime when I neared (I was about at 700) my 1000th post, Nurvingiel, a mooter with very similar numbers to mine, resurfaced in the moot. I proposed I race to 1000. I won somewhat unfairly I think. Nurvvy graciously declined posting her 1000th until I got online, and when she finally wasn’t online, I was, and I…still feel like I cheated.

When the ’04 elections announcements came around, I was a bit passé…I knew I wouldn’t ever win the vote being pretty unknown on the moot still, or being seen as a “frivolous” joker. Which I don’t deny helping that image, but I was sure I seemed a little more dedicated than that! (though I distinctly remember winning the award for craziest Entmooter, thanks to a two voter by Bjenkins and Mercutio).
But I did endorse Falagar for president, and he hired me as his campaign manager.
As the discussions mounted, I decided to run myself…and I have to thank Falagar for being so gracious about me withdrawing from his run, and not only that, but joining my party-The Council of Entmoot.
Nurvingiel accepted my proposal that she be my VP, and together we started our campaigning.
For my part, I sent out simple “fliers” to mooters that simply read: Vote Hectorberlioz for President. (Ruinel, later to run as Jonathan’s VP sent me a good-hearted “yeah right”.)

In the campaigning, my friendship with JD or SGH wasn’t strained in the least despite the fact they were both running against me. JD just simply thought I couldn’t win.
Somewhere, somehow I missed the exact reason JD withdrew from the race. He put forth his VP, Jonathan as a new candidate, and Ruinel was chosen as his running mate.

I congratulated Jonathan with a friendly hand. But he just growled and shouted “estupido!” What can you do but take it in the face of extremism? Obviously I don’t blame him. Presidential elections can make a man into a ravenous wolve in a split second…and Jonathan was merely following the evolutionistic course laid out for him.

I do believe that Fat Middle originally was SGH’s first VP, but for reasons unknown he retired, and the valiant Valandil replaced him.
Finrod Felagund, long a thorn (what a neat pun ) in SGH and Ruinel’s side, also ran with Katt_Knome_Hobbit as his VP.
It’s kind of funny that each candidate ended up with a VP runner of the opposite sex.

Campaigning: Jonathan came up with the ingenious idea of doctoring photos with him shaking hands with people, looking phony yes, but brilliant. I was tempted to do something similar, but who would take me seriously after that?
I also seem to be the only candidate who didn’t put any value on mud-slinging, though plenty of it was slung at me. “Not famous enough”, “not capable of handling power”, “no previous experiences”, “opportunist”.
SGH had a big advantage over all of us because not only was she a mod with experience, but also because of her motherly way of making (aka forcing) people to listen to her. Valandil’s aggressive campaigning put her as the runner up to win…and honestly, I had a feeling that if I failed, it would be because so many people knew she was good for the job.
But her big disadvantage was also her strength: she was already a mod, and some saw her running as a power hungry mongrel. I have my little theory that these respectables are the ones who voted for Jonathan, whose party, mostly because of Ruinel’s spunk, had the feel of rebellious revolution. This also had to do with the jealousy Ruinel had over SGH’s lover, Finrod Felagund. (I’ll leave that ambiguous for FF the Canadian’s sake)
These two, Ruinel and Sister of the Golden Hair had it out in almost every Silmarillion thread, and this election stretched the patience of many an innocent soul.
My view on the disputes the women had, coming from someone who hasn’t read JRRT’s “true masterpiece”, is that the woman who had him (Finrod) last in the story owns him.

But I had to be vicious in this campaigning. I made my Hector4Pres avatars (many thanks to my friends that wore them), and a surprising number of the fliers had pledges coming back. Little by little my hopes began to rise.
My speech skills improved (though without proper capitalization and punctuation skill most of the time ), and Nurvingiel’s deft and polite political hand had a lot to do with our self-promoting…that and the fact that a lot of my supporters wanted to be in my cabinet, and I suppose the word got around that I was the most people-connected candidate.
And why not build on that? As far as I knew, I was the most people-connected. After all, who else sent out personal PM fliers, welcomed newbies via Private Messaging, and allowed such a large Cabinet?
(Looking back, I had some “big time” mooters supporting me, including Artanis, Lizra, Brownjenkins, Mercutio, Twista, and Last Child of Ungoliant).

I knew most of my voters beforehand, but I was surprised afterwards by some PMs from mooters I’d seen but not known. And of course I have to give an apology to the ones who expected a more active role in Entmoot Politics after the election…I myself was disappointed myself, but the recent triumph of getting a C.S. Lewis forum makes up for a lot of it, though it was mostly through SGH that this came about.

The election results came out (maybe not so coincidentally) on April fool’s day, a day when SGH was the winner with 21 votes, with me two behind.
I was disappointed when my sister told me the results, but I couldn’t help but notice that she seemed to think something really funny…but I dared not suspect.
And my surprise was genuine when I found out I was the real winner with 28 votes! SGH’s true numbers were 21. (Though I wasn’t able to stick around for much of the celebrations because of my job…)

I also chose a first lady, who no longer moots, and SGH thought it was fine to cut my wedding thread off. She and I had a battle over that, but of course, as always, she won.

JD, characteristically, was befuddled by my win and was calling for recounts .
(I also didn’t witness the greater portion of that either, in fact it was only a matter of two months or so before I decided that the internet was far too distracting, and I cut it off. Not long after that my computer went kaput. And so I am to this day mooting via library computers, which isn’t always ideal.)

Also, what many consider unbelievable: unlike the other candidates, I did not cast my own vote (In other words, I could have had 29 votes). Fat Middle may confirm this so that the dispute may be settled. But I think the main objection to my claim is that I was boasting, while they made their score with the help of their own votes. Jealousy, in a word. (Also rumored, though not likely, is that BoP voted for me. She denies this, though I’ve heard otherwise from higher sources.)
Not that jealousy was something I wasn’t used to. JD and Jonathan were always jealous of my natural way with the ladies, for instance.
Let me reminisce about some interesting memories.

One night Earniel and I were having a hot cup of ginger tea outside the Teacup.
We talked of the great poets, even the radicals: Byron, and Wilde. As we talked, JD snuck up behind us (Earniel, specifically) and chucked a huge piece of ice down her back. I chuckled at the joke, but dutifully knocked JD out.
Something similar happened when on a hot day, Artanis insisted that she buy us ice cream, and she wouldn’t let me pay for it. As soon as we turned our backs to the vendor, he apperantly dumped an ice cream on poor Artanis. I quickly turned around, and I noticed something we’d ignored: beneath that heavy big visor was Jonathan.

Truly memorable were JD and Jonathan’s plans to spoil a grand day out at the movies, for Lizra and myself. The day started out sunny: and I was bored in the house. Minutes later, Lizra calls and tells me that I just have to watch RotK again; she insisted that she found hidden clues in the film concerning the controversial idea that Théoden was the true heir to Gondor. Why not? After we saw RotK we could see The Aviator.
So we purchased our tickets. But when the usher directed us to “The Heffalump Movie” we wondered…and sure enough, we glanced down at out tickets, and they were for the newest Winnie-the-Pooh movie. I was mad, but the box office clerk hid his face, laughing.
But we finally got into RotK. Lizra went to find seats, and I went to get drinks. The young man at the counter – and his face was suspiciously “pock marked” and “burnt” – after he set the drinks down, I went into my wallet for the money, and while I was looking for exact change, he threw the drinks in my face, and fled.

The end of a strange day? Not half. Lizra’s seat was lined with fire ants, and I swore there were needles sticking to my back from the seat.
When we went out to the car, and even though we’d just filled up, we were out of gas. Someone had left their suction tube next to the car…

As we left the parking lot, Lizra insisted we go somewhere to eat where the service was guaranteed to be top-notch, even if it was super-expensive. Well, we found a really nice Japanese Sushi place. We got the grill, where the cook flings the food up and down right in front of you etc…
Our cook was a Muslim woman apperantly. Her Burka was more than black, it was huge and black. And she really wasn’t that good with the virtuoso cook aspect. She had to cook us five different batches of eggs before she go it right. (Another funny thing about this Muslim cook: she would, as she chopped our veggies up, say “Salaams of eight, Salaams of eight”…and we noticed that she divided the cooking food into eight sections.)
Our sushi came meanwhile, and as I reached for the salmon sushi, the cook narrowly missed my hand with her aerobics knife. Even the Japanese manager, standing grinning the whole time, seemed to think this was a bit off the beaten path….
We finally gave up on the place, and decided that safer cooks, if not food, was needed. We both despise fast food, but the Taco Bell was something of a relief, at least for me.
After that, the day was pretty much gone, and I dropped Lizra off, and instantly…the troubles stopped.

All those things were – outrageous though they were – relatively tame compared to the turn that these practical jokes would take…

On another occasion I was simply doing Rian the favor of escorting her across the street, when suddenly someone pushed me down on the road, just as the light turned green. A magnificent Ferrari was only inches from my head. Rian says it was JD’s back she saw fleeing.
I really can’t blame him though; I do have this God-gifted ability to charm, an ability men would kill you for, as JD demonstrated.
But the one occasion I cannot forgive is the following: SGH and I were playing cards and eating her superb Alfredo Pasta. We were too concentrated in beating each other at cards to notice that the Alfredo had a distinctly poisonous aftertaste. But it’s lucky for SGH that I have a strong constitution, because she went down first, and if it hadn’t been for my immunity she might not be here today to Moderate us to death.
The Doctor informed me that the poison was none other than Hemlock, the poison that Socrates was forced to drink by the Sophists.
I haven’t found out the culprit of this intended demise, but if ever I do…

“Hector’s criticism of Starbucks”

Is it just me, or is every Starbucks infested with social showoffs? Surely there are SOME sincere Starbucks out there, but NOT in Tennessee so far in my experience.
And I have observed all this quite naturally…you go in, you order your whatever, and they seem to be quite nice about it (and they are obliged to: 2 dollars for an espresso macchiato? A thirty-thousandth of a gallon worth of coffee, with “cream” on it? And bad-tasting at that? -NOT just not sweet, bad. Tasteless.)
How was I supposed to know that an espresso macchiato was miniscule? “What sir!? YOU DON’T KNOW? You’re UNEDUCATED about Coffee? Get out you white trash! Regular *guttural sounds* Coffee drinker!”
Me: “Well sorry my good dame, I haven’t exactly worked in a Starbucks for half my life…yet. I am however an expert on cheap-made pizzas if you ever want to exchange trade secrets.”

And the social aspect? It’s about as social as a computer illiterate walking into a MAC store with two pennies.
Observed: a decent little family walked in, ordered, enjoyed, and left knowing they’d been on sacred ground.
Here’s as “social” as it gets. Two girls opposite talk their heads off about everyone else’s business and grandma’s at full blast volume, as they guzzle their delicious espresso macchiatos devoutly.

I cannot conceive being able to do MY homework there. It feels pretentious enough without me being the one “studying” fortuitously.
“But it’s so cool, ‘cuz you can do internet, coffee and people in one place.” Don’t be disgusting.
A “homey” environment for using the internet? Don’t lie. Admit it people, it’s simply a place to go to show that you’re “in the know” about the “most coolest place to MEET PEOPLE! WEEEE!”
Libraries, “social defects” and all, are a thousand times more kind than that judgmental den of social watchdogs called “Starbucks”.

****


There came a time, after my computer crashed that I considered handing the Presidency over…but thankfully I thought twice.
(There was also a time when Janny tried to strike up a revolution to oust me, for the sheer fun of it.)
Oftentimes I’ve had to defend myself against accusations of bribing my voters, and promising too much that I can’t give.
I refuse the first accusation. It simply is not true. If anything, my voters bribed themselves, because I pretty much gave people whatever position they requested, without much question. I’m sure that if JD had stayed in the race, he’d be defending his own methods if similar.
As for the second, only HOBBIT knew how limited a President’s power really was. Even through his account, the Presidency seemed to carry a lot of flash with it, and that is essentially the point of it. But I’ve tried very hard to do big efforts, with the help of the common people. My ambitious project on Entmooter Biographies carried weight for awhile, and I hope to resurrect it, but it was me almost single-handedly doing all the bios (and I didn’t forget your big help Telcontar Dunedain ).
I called for a C.S. Lewis forum, though I’m not sure I was the first to call for it, and SGH’s weight () was the thing that brought it through in the end, though I hope the cry we raised pro-Lewis had something to do with it.

3. In which Hector recounts some more anecdotes. Last words.

.
Added: At Mercutio reminder, I decided to pen this amusing anecdote (which can reveal NOTHING about the truth.)

It started (as I remember it) like this. Mercutio had the innocent enough idea to fool other mooters that she and I were brother and sister. Later Valandil and Beruthiel*’s Cat joined in the conspiracy as our “parents”.

Really I’m not sure how many people we fooled…but at least SOME people seemed convinced that Mercutio and myself were connected somehow, even if we weren’t brother and sister.
A darned little brit mooter, known to us by the name Twista, had a lot to do with these ideas. (I hope you’re hearing this Twista ).
Something happened during one of my absences that set certain people off on a slew of different theories: Merc was my daughter, my wife, my girlfriend, sister, grandma, AND…because some people doubted her gender, my brother.
What could I say about all this? My (OUR) every word on it was instantly transformed into another conspiracy. Great fun for masses, but not I’m sure some of the “speculation” has worn off.
Mercutio and I discussed this one day over PM. What if people began to think that I was actually Mercutio? And sure enough, Twista caught the wisp of imagined conspiracy and started babbling about his theories. He had only ONE real basis for his theory. Some of you Olde Tyme Mooters might remember a mooter named (****), who people gloated over because he was supposedly French. Truly, however, it was either me or Mercutio behind the mask. Mercutio had to operate him when he was supposed to argue with me. (Because of a certain rule that SGH imparted on me.)

You know, this reminded me of how I and JD started our long PM correspondences: I believe that the first thing I asked him was if he was actually Black Breathalizer. He said no and cited that certain rule the SGH imparted on me. But still, he could’ve been lying…who knows what evils SGH might allow if bribed.

I’m not quite sure many of you know this, but my REAL siblings on the moot are Jellyfishannah, b.banner, Chaco Gabi, and Ayarella. Only four (five counting me) out of 11. The last two don’t post much at all, and my younger sis and brother may come here occasionally.




*My Word processor offers “Betrothal” and “Brothel” as corrections to “Beruthiel”.

******

Three things I am disappointed with: My story entitled “Dr. Frankenheimer and Co.” doesn’t seem to have caught on. Yes, it needs perfecting, and it will return in completely complete form.
My long-lived “Classical Music” thread was closed after it reached its 1000th post zenith. Of course part II is alive, but it’s a bit of heartache to restart…and I hope part I isn’t lost completely in the shuffle.
The third I still have to think up.

I’ve been concerned about Entmoot’s future lately. Bmilder is a busy person, and I can’t help but think that Entmoot, something he’s really poured his attention (not to mention his dollars) into, may be gone sooner than later.
It’s not just that I couldn’t live without this place, we all have to grow up, and maybe growing away from it will be natural. But it would be a great shame if this place had to be closed down. It’s not just a great Tolkien place, Entmoot seems to attract great minds (not least mine), and I’m glad that we here at Entmoot can talk things more serious (though often less enjoyable) than our favorite entertainment goings on.

It’s a funny thing, this place. Several people, including myself, have tried to “quit” or at least “reduce” their moot time. But it takes real willpower to really do that. Or a ban.

I’m about to enter into college, and I’ll be much busier than I want to be, greatly reducing Moot time of course, but I’ll come still. I can’t help feeling though, that the ‘moot will expire in my absence, and I won’t be able to say bye to a lot of people, or have my last word…

“Hector discusses division over toilet paper”

I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves or someone, at sometime in our lives “what did people use for toilet paper back in the day?” (or we Americans: “what did George Washington use for toilet paper do you think?”)

And that question brings up the question: do we really need toilet paper? 95% of people list TP on their top five wilderness survival must-haves. But do we really need it? Obviously some great people in history were able to do without: Alexander the great Joke, for example. He couldn’t have used sand or rocks, and men’s uniforms weren’t exactly in abundance. He could have used it sometime in his life, of course, when he rested in a certain place etc…but we usually hear of his long treks, battles, and victories: all without the help of Soft Downy.
We’ve been told that rulers (who stayed in one place) used fine lace or regular cloth. But do we know this? Have archeologists found these “artifacts”? Have historians found then-contemporary accounts in large tomes?
So toilet paper wasn’t a moving force in the universe back then…but it is now, at least in most people’s opinion.
First, you have the TP spoiled brat, who won’t and can’t use anything less than royal softness. Then you have the middlers, who don’t mind either the soft or granitic. Then there are those who don’t care if they use any at all, though they don’t mind when they do. And last of all you have the extremists, who are so anti-TP as to call it the “invention of the devil” or “the invention of Hades” or “the invention of the Greeks” (Italians say that), or “the invention of the Bush Administration” or “the invention of modern government to keep the information that there is intelligent life in the universe away from us”.
This last group argues that TP keeps your IQ to an extreme minimum. Apperantly, they say, the motions of going through that process numbs your wits after what they call an “intellectual (their own words) process”.
But this side isn’t the only one who has made a science of this issue, on the other side: real, world known scientists have entered the debate themselves, and argue that TP comforts the neurological system, and helps the “survival of the fittest” process. Freudians eagerly add “Use it if it makes you happy, and don’t if it’s the other way around for you.”

Even more astounding is the fact that this argument is a fairly old one. In the 1960 something presidential debates, Nixon and Kennedy brought the arguments out full-blast in front of a Southern Baptist audience.
Kennedy, pro-Without famously said on that occasion, addressing his opponent: “Richard, I know how you fell, but people back then didn’t.”
To which, Nixon (pro-tp) replied, not as famously: “Yeah, but they weren’t running for top-office.”

All this argument is nothing compared with the real experience of have-or-have-not. While the do-with-outers hold that the other side are wimps and babies, there has been some interesting determination on the other side to prove otherwise. One camper out in the Arkansas Ozarks said to the Smithsonian, “It was the middle of the night, I was miles in the mountains away from civilization, but I just couldn’t be without it, so I hiked back out that night.”
So are what we’re seeing here an almost metaphysical attachment to TP?
The pro-withouts may cite their manliness, strong womanhood, and survival instincts, but these strengths seem to be beside the point.

The fact is, when the whole circle has been traversed, that TP, no matter what side you’re on: is NOW a powerful moving force in the universe.

Introduction to the Secret Letters
Dear Mooters, most of these letters concern a conspiracy that SGH and I uncovered in the summer of ’04. What isn’t clear is if these letters are really from the persons whose names are on them.
For instance, the last letters by “Jonathan” and “Earniel” were, in fact, unidentified. However, judging from the letter from PYRO to Earniel, it’s obvious that Jonathan would write Earniel warning her of the imminent danger, and the letter produced is the ONLY contemporary letter written that matched up to the general dates of the PYRO letter. That, and I recognized Jonathan’s unmistakable style. The Earniel letter was attached to the Jonathan one, and it obviously is a piece of a longer correspondence.

What ISN’T known is if PYRO truly sent that weird letter to Earniel. Research done by SGH and I reveals that a mooter who went around by the name of Anonymous, had in fact, twelve different other accounts, and knew the methods of hacking into people’s accounts. Bmilder has since fixed the holes, and banished that brute.

My guess is that PYRO was a fresh newbie who’d just seen X-Men2, joined and forgot about this place. And then Anonymous hacked into his account.

Secret Letter no.1 is from me to Earniel, assuring her that rumors by Jonathan and JD are about as legitimate as a piece of cake stuck in a mulberry tree.
All those X’s and E’s and so on are all mixed up, so when you see one addressed to someone that is X it doesn’t necessarily mean that that X is the same as some others, though sometimes an X is the same as another…

The first letter addressed to me is actually (well…probably) for Troll’s Bane. It’s obvious that despite my respect, my allegiance lies not with Wagner, but with Berlioz (and why on earth would it be ME ranting Wagnerian hodge-podge philosophy?)
As for “Breilloz”, she obviously does NOT mean Berlioz, but a mixture of Boulez and Louis Braille.

But please!..enjoy.



“Secret” Letter no.1 to…. (Cannot reveal name)

Dear (*******)
Concerning my amorous escapades: Most of what you’ve probably heard is either fictional or exxaggerratted. I have no idea what JD is talking about when he says that I am really married to Sister Golden Hair and why would she allow me such vile freedoms on this board….I assure you that on my account, that is out of the blue, so to speak.
I suspect that stories have been elaborated from the fact that I use to have a massage parlor. But this parlor was completely void of anything beyond foot massaging.
Or perhaps jealousy has come forth about my superb dance techniques used, in many styles, in the Entmoot Spring Ball thread. (JD claims he is a superb dancer in the Russian style, but you know how he is when he says things…everything is New Jersey New Jersey with him. What’s next? New Jersey has the best Russian Dancing Troupe in the world?)
Now, there was a rumor I heard about me that concerned things such as an locked door in the gym (which I later found out, was harboring massive amounts of stolen goods), a missing blanket from a hospital, and a car missing from someone’s house at such and such a time etc…
Purely concocted theory, by ill-wishers, such as Jonathan and JD, who wish to slur my name after my Triumphant Victory in the elections.
Oh? I’m stuck on that theory? Well then why was Jonathan congratulating me so effusively in public after my victory? You know that’s not professional politician-ism!
Well, something’s come up…I’ll tell you later.
~Hector



“Secret” Letter no.2 to (***)
Dear You,
I know what you mean. X is such an idiot. She says she doesn’t really care if you post that about her, she’ll get you back with something worse, et cetera. I must say, she WILL do it, she’s that spiteful. SGH told me that JD told her that Jonathan was repeating something that Earniel was thinking about saying to him but never got around to it. Simply put, X is neither a person anyone wants to deal with or know. It’s a shame she’s not banned yet for her rotten attitude towards you.
I’ll see what Bmilder says…
~hector

“Secret Letter” no.3
Dear X,
Please know this: I never sent that PM to whatshisname, and I never will.
And why on earth would you believe something BoP told you? Has she ever been known to tell a truth? Tell B to bug off, I hate his stupid guts…and he has a lot of them, he drinks five beers a minute. ~sincerely, Hector

“Secret letter no.4 To Hector, from X…
Dear H, I’m sorry, but I really could care less about your egotistical maniac mindset. All that Wagner idiocy you’re into (didn’t you know he was Hitler’s fav?!!), I just don’t get you. And who the hec is Breilloz?
I’m sorry, but you’re just too weird for me. ~E

“Secret” Letter no.5, From PYRO to…X
Dear X,
I just told Jonathan the pathetic lie that should set things in motion for complete takeover. I know, he’s such a simpleton isn’t he? All those Scandinavians are. That’s what they have in common with that other inferior race: Canadians.
Hector is the first to go down…


“Secret” Letter no.6, From Hector to X
Dearest X, what’s gotten into you? You’ve sent me five weird emails with a bunch of garbled language. Are you drunk all the time or something?

“Secret” Letter no.7 from PYRO to Earniel
Greetings O Exalted One,
Jonathan told me that once he’d found out that it was [“un”]worthy me that paired you two for the dance at the conference, that his attraction to you was diminished just as fast as you could say Captain Joe was Nice.
I can’t say you’ve lost anything of value in his friendship. Why don’t you and I get married? Together we could be a powerful political team…join me and together we can rule the galaxy as Husband and Wife!

“Secret” Letter no.8 (supposedly from Jonathan to Earniel)
Hey. You’ll be getting a letter soon. Huh. Ignore it.
Well. I’ve got to go.
p.s. let’s go away or something.


“Secret” Letter no.9 (supposedly from Earniel in response)
O Darling! Your romantic, intellectual language is enough to sweep any woman off her feet! Too bad for those women that they no longer have feet! Can you guess why? *chuckles naughtily, revs up her chainsaw*

“Secret” Letter no.10 (supposedly from Hector to SGH)
SGH, the two letters above are supposedly from Jonathan and Earniel, but may I suggest that they are pre-historic letters from Napoleon and Josephine to each other? The cultural language of the time matches up exactly. For Jonathan’s sake, I really hope he is not that pathetic. I feel the same about Earniel.
I don’t know where you found these, but they sure are funny letters.
~Hector









Poem by (Hector?)

THIS MASTERPIECE,
LONG BANNED BY THE MODERATORS,
HAS FINALLY BEEN RELEASED FOR THE
BENEFIT OF THE PUBLIC


Once upon a time,
There was a small pine,
And it grew and grew.

And when it got to big,
It uprooted a mind,
And forced it to jig,
And it seemed kind.

But this was not all,
The pine grew even more,
And the thing it wanted most,
Everlasting power…

The pine that was a sapling,
Grew into an ego,
Larger than Kansas City,
And San Diego.

The mind in which grew the pine,
Now had a bad spine,
And he was more cowardly
Than the cowardly lion.

But the pine was still there,
And it always demanded more money,
To get it, it killed animals,
Especially bunnies.

The pine was real sappy,
he thought that if he couldn’t have,
He should cry to Pappy.

But Pappy couldn’t save him,
And the pine knew that,
Pappy couldn’t get him from the high limb,
And the pine knew also that.

Finally he decided to get some real help,
That might quiet him,
And eliminate his baby-ish yelp.

He sought out a psychologist,
The most famous in the land,
But the P-S-Y-C-H,
Didn’t understand.

Why was this outgoing thing so sad,
Was making money so bad?
I mean, Self-esteem,
It’s your own go-get-‘em team!

The shrink just didn’t know,
That the pine that did grow,
Wanted something else,
Something not just for show.

And the pine wrongly directed,
At the most immediate pictures,
The things that he saw first,
He thought were life’s answers.


“The Quotable Hectorberlioz”





Threads to recommend

“Classical Music ”- my magnum opus, which I’ll always be proud of. Very readable for everyman are the anecdotes I collected throughout the thread, and posted in the first post. Part II

LotR Remake crew and plans -my ‘breakthrough’ thread. Very entertaining, though frustrating for the lost visions.

“Dr.Frankenheimer and Co. .”-Only half of Chapter 1 to my now much longer story.

“At the Symphony ”-my favorite story, a fun frolic.

“Pet Moderator ?”-amusing, and SGH showcases her humor, and indulges my naiveté.

Dear Hector's Advice Thread -Even if this isn’t your kind of humor, it’s still great fun to read.

Entmooter's Hall of Fame and Infamy

1001 Knights Help me name that many!

[Lizra]

Bravo! Bravo! The Heffalump movie? lol!

I recently ran a poll on another forum...."Who [original wording edited] likes to have more fun with the ladies....? Hector *Pantyman* Berlioz, or Reverend Justin "The Thing" Timberlake....Anduril got ALL the votes....

Best of luck in college hon!

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by Lizra

Bravo! Bravo! The Heffalump movie? lol!

I recently ran a poll on another forum...."Who's pervier? Hector *Pantyman* Berlioz, or His holiness, Reverend "The Thing" Justin Timberlake....Anduril got ALL the votes....

Best of luck in college hon!

pervier?

[Lizra]

Ummmm....how about "likes to have fun with the ladies".......

[Earniel]

Hm, are you sure you spent all that time in the same universe as us, hector? Or do you claim artistic license on some bits?

[Rosie Gamgee]

Hector, this is great. I never did read Butterbeer's memiors, so I can't comment on the 'out-doing' of him; but these are fantastic. Entertaining and insightful, yes.
I've got one gripe: What; I'M not in it?!!?! Juuusst kidding.

[Lizra]

Butterbeer has memiors!? Ooh! Where!

[Jonathan]

What on earth did you smoke when writing these memoirs? I think some of us haven't been quite properly portrayed here

[Earniel]

Originally Posted by Jonathan

What on earth did you smoke when writing these memoirs? I think some of us haven't been quite properly portrayed here

Whatcha think, should we sue?

[Jonathan]

Originally Posted by Eärniel

Whatcha think, should we sue?

The thought has crossed my mind

[Rían]

Whew! Those are some wild and crazy memoirs!

[Spock]

This is #@$!@#$.

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by Eärniel

Whatcha think, should we sue?

You can't, I put a notice at the top warning of the contents


THESE were by far my favorite bits...(I'm assuming everyone read the "Secret" Letters...those are some of the best.)

"Secret” Letter no.5, From PYRO to…X
Dear X,
I just told Jonathan the pathetic lie that should set things in motion for complete takeover. I know, he’s such a simpleton isn’t he? All those Scandinavians are. That’s what they have in common with that other inferior race: Canadians.
Hector is the first to go down…


“Secret” Letter no.8 (supposedly from Jonathan to Earniel)
Hey. You’ll be getting a letter soon. Huh. Ignore it.
Well. I’ve got to go.
p.s. let’s go away or something.


“Secret” Letter no.9 (supposedly from Earniel in response)
O Darling! Your romantic, intellectual language is enough to sweep any woman off her feet! Too bad for those women that they no longer have feet! Can you guess why? *chuckles naughtily, revs up her chainsaw*

[trolls' bane]

Really? Wow! I am really...*rips off high tech mask as in MI:2 that Nurvi and I joked about back in the day on HVEL*...Wolfgang Pauli! *towns are thrown into chaos as experiments go fatally wrong, particle accelerators have incorrectly calibrated magnetic fields sending ionized particles toward nearby towns, fires erupt as bomb tests and fire drills and Backdraft rides go wrong, etc.*

[durinsbane2244]

well, with the power of my 5th and 9th sypmhonies, i set all those things to right!

[trolls' bane]

Okay. Maybe so...as long as you don't experiment with your music. Nothing new, now...

[Alcuin]

Originally Posted by hectorberlioz

Try this criticism of Starbucks, or this one, both from Foamy the Squirrel at IllWillPress.com. (Warning: VERY crude langauge. But very funny, too; and a very pointed critique.)

[Nurvingiel]

An Ode to Hectorberlioz

O Hector Berlioz! Thou genius
Composer of belle France, whose words, like notes
Dance upon the screen. We are glad you wrote
For humble and opinionated us.

Facing critics with good humour, and reality
With the mighty sword of artistry,
You never fail to make a Mooter pause
To think, to laugh, to post, at your hilarity.



Hector, this thread is great! I love the way you write. Would you ever consider doing a Silmarillion-like post about the history of Entmoot before you showed up?

Also, you didn't cheat in the 1000 post race. The B sample came back negative.

BTW, this is going in my sig:

Originally Posted by hectorberlioz

My next big step was in creating the “LotR Remake” thread, which, to put it lightly, catapulted me into fame.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

facing...reality
With the mighty sword of artistry

That's awesome, Nurvi.

[durinsbane2244]

HIC IACET HECTORIUS, REX QUANDUM REXQUE FUTURUS

*gong*