The Vagabond

[Lief Erikson]

I'm sorry, my post wasn't at all complimentary. It came out sounding more like criticism than constructive criticism. Sorry about that .

Your story is well written.

It was chaos. All the fire, all the screaming, it was too much for the traveling druid to bear. Of all nights, why did I chose this night to come to the city of Ilduran, he thought. He looked out his window, and saw the city consumed by smoke, flame and ash. The white towers were illuminated so they looked red and orange, and people were running out of their houses screaming. He grabbed his cloak and his sword, and he left the inn.

The descriptions in this and other parts of the beginning were very well done. The city collapsing and the attackers storming the place were very affectively portrayed.

“Who goes there?” Aysis, immediately looked behind him, and sure enough, it was a Dark Elf, only about fifty feet away. The Dark Elf was advancing at a quick pace. Aysis froze with fear, and knew that he was in grave danger. He tried to calm himself as best as he could. Now only thirty feet away. He concentrated his thoughts the best he could, and summoned the powers of nature. The Dark Elf’s feet were entangled in strong roots, and he tripped. Aysis then picked up the baby and ran for his life.

“After him!” yelled the Dark Elf, who was just getting his feet untangled. “After that Elf in the cloak!” Before long, there were over a dozen Dark Elves running after them all with various weapons, including swords, axes and bows.

Aysis’ heart was beating rapidly. He could not run forever, and he knew this. The child woke and started to cry very loudly. His sobs would make them easier to track. “Not... now...” said Aysis, who could hardly speak because of his fear. He looked down at the child as he ran. Something so innocent, so young, so fragile. Why are the Dark Elves so cruel, thought Aysis. The child cannot stay in this land. We must get out of here.

The transitions you make between thoughts and actions were all very well placed.

Oh, I just spotted a small criticism . In that last paragraph, it seemed a little strange for him to be fearing about the child when they're both likely to be killed. Feeling pity for the child and thinking about the cruelty of the Dark Elves seems more in place within the city than when he's on the run.



Much of your writing is very well done, though. I'm surprised to hear that this is your first real attempt.