The Vagabond

[Agalayth]

Here is the first chapter of the story I'm currently writing; The Vagabond.

The Vagabond - Chapter 1

It was chaos. All the fire, all the screaming, it was too much for the traveling druid to bear. Of all nights, why did I chose this night to come to the city of Ilduran, he thought. He looked out his window, and saw the city consumed by smoke, flame and ash. The white towers were illuminated so they looked red and orange, and people were running out of their houses screaming. He grabbed his cloak and his sword, and he left the inn.

The Dark Elves were attacking the town, and the great Elven city was completely defenseless. Flaming arrows and magic started the fire. The rain of arrow fire wouldn’t stop, and the druid called Aysis had to constantly move to avoid being shot. As he left the inn, he saw hundreds of other people in the streets, but very few were alive for too long. They were either struck by arrows, set aflame, or stabbed by marauding Dark Elves. He moved as quickly as possible, and used his magic to make the Dark Elven attackers not notice him.

Farther and farther he ran, creeping in and out of the shadows. Aysis would constantly be stopping to look around and see if there were any of those villainous Dark Elves nearby. As soon as the coast was clear, he’d run as fast as he could into the next shadow.

As he saw the gates where he could leave Ilduran, his pace started to quicken. All his thought was on reaching those gates. But then he heard something. He heard the cry of an infant, and immediately stopped in his tracks. Where was this sound coming from? He looked around the wide dirt road, and on the sides of the road as well. Then he spotted something that lay in a large cloak about twenty paces away. As Aysis went towards this strange object in the cloak, the cries became louder.

He opened the cloak, and he saw a little Elven child. He quickly grabbed the child, put the cloak back around him, and ran as fast as he could out of the majestic city that was now in ruins. As he exited the gates, Aysis saw a hill with a few trees on it, and knew that he would stop there to rest, for he was very weary now. He ran up the hill with the child who was still crying.

“Hush,” whispered Aysis, who hoped that the child’s screams wouldn’t attract any Dark Elves. The child’s cries became softer and softer, and eventually ceased. Aysis rocked the baby boy back and forth very slowly. The child fell asleep after about five minutes, much to Aysis’ relief. He wondered what the child’s name was, and who the parents were.

As the druid and the child were rested with the child on the hill, the questions about the child kept circling in Aysis’ mind. Before long, he decided that the only way he could get the answers is to use his magic. He didn’t even know how old the child was, so reading his memories would clear that up. So he stopped rocking the baby, and shut his eyes. His mind was so deeply concentrated that even the slightest touch would break the concentration. He now left his body and went into the child’s mind.

The images he saw were very brief. First, there was just darkness. Then, he saw a beautiful Elven woman who must have been his mother, and an Elven man who he guessed was his father. They were talking, but he couldn’t understand anything they were saying. They kept repeating the word Asrael. Was that the child’s name? It must have been. He tried to look at other images in the child’s memories. There weren’t too many of them, so the child must have only been alive for a week; two at the most.

The wind was blowing hard now, and the leaves of the trees above were making loud noises. A few leaves fell from the trees, and one landed on Aysis’ head. He immediately came back to his body, with the little information he knew about the child; Asrael.

Aysis decided that they’d sleep behind the largest tree on the hill, for that night only. It was pretty large, and if any Dark Elves were near, his keen Elven senses would wake him up. He looked at the sleeping child, breathing deeply as he slept. He smiled, and covered him in the cloak. He then held the child against his chest, and slept against the tree, next to the ruins of the city Ilduran.

[Agalayth]

The Vagabond - Chapter 1 (continued)

“Who goes there?” Aysis, immediately looked behind him, and sure enough, it was a Dark Elf, only about fifty feet away. The Dark Elf was advancing at a quick pace. Aysis froze with fear, and knew that he was in grave danger. He tried to calm himself as best as he could. Now only thirty feet away. He concentrated his thoughts the best he could, and summoned the powers of nature. The Dark Elf’s feet were entangled in strong roots, and he tripped. Aysis then picked up the baby and ran for his life.

“After him!” yelled the Dark Elf, who was just getting his feet untangled. “After that Elf in the cloak!” Before long, there were over a dozen Dark Elves running after them all with various weapons, including swords, axes and bows.

Aysis’ heart was beating rapidly. He could not run forever, and he knew this. The child woke and started to cry very loudly. His sobs would make them easier to track. “Not... now...” said Aysis, who could hardly speak because of his fear. He looked down at the child as he ran. Something so innocent, so young, so fragile. Why are the Dark Elves so cruel, thought Aysis. The child cannot stay in this land. We must get out of here.

The Dark Elves were gaining on Aysis and the child, and the fearful druid knew it. The shore of the country, Mundara, was near, and he knew that the waters were cold. The child would get sick if he entered the water, and he wouldn’t last long. Aysis knew what he had to do to escape. He whispered ancient Elven words, and he knew what had heard him. He heard a loud bird in the air. He had arrived.

The evil Dark Elves were now shocked to see a great eagle land only twenty feet away from the druid and child. Aysis’ plan had worked. His ability to speak to animals had helped him once again, and before long he was mounted on the eagle, and with the child, they soared towards the ocean.

Asrael cannot stay here, thought Aysis. He cannot stay in Mundara. I must travel across the sea and bring him to a human family in Theradron. He must know nothing of his past.


Comments? Constructive criticism? Post here!

[Lief Erikson]

Flaming arrows and magic started the fire. The rain of arrow fire wouldn’t stop, and the druid called Aysis had to constantly move to avoid being shot. As he left the inn, he saw hundreds of other people in the streets, but very few were alive for too long. They were either struck by arrows, set aflame, or stabbed by marauding Dark Elves.

In this bit, it seems rather outside the purpose of the paragraph for it to suddenly mention the druid calling Aysis to constantly move to avoid being shot . . . if that's what he's calling him to do. Another difficulty with that bit is how it says ". . . and the druid called Aysis had to constantly move . . ."

It's not clear what the druid is calling Aysis for, or what he's asking him to do.

Also the paragraph is primarily about the the onslaught that's going on. It's about burning arrows, destruction and attack. So in view of this, it seems like you should make Aysis' actions, and Aysis being called by the druid, happen in different paragraphs.

Aysis would constantly be stopping to look around and see if there were any of those villainous Dark Elves nearby.

I had two difficulties with this sentence.

One is that "would constantly be stopping" isn't a very good way to put a sentence. Saying "frequently stopped" would cut down on the number of words and make it told in a less conversational manner.

The other thing is that I wouldn't call the Dark Elves "villainous" in the story, if I were you. Don't tell the audience that they're villains- show that audience that they're villains. You already have to some extent, making them attack an unarmed and undefended village.


Okay, there were a couple general questions in my mind after I finished reading the chapter.

First is what powers does the druid have? He has magic, but it's pretty plain that he doesn't have much in the way of warlike magic. We don't understand why though. We understand that he can call birds and command vines, but we don't know what the limits of his powers are. He is calling powers into play to get out of situations, but we don't understand why he can't simply shred the Dark Elves or something. So having some sort of a reason for what the limits of the powers are would be useful.

The second thing I was wondering is, why could the baby never know his past? I could be wrong, but I don't think that was really explained in the chapter. We never learn very much from the mind meld either. Perhaps the druid does, but we only gain from it that his mother was beautiful and the babe's name is Asrael.


One final thing is I don't understand why the druid was curious about the child either, unless he wanted to know in which direction the baby's parents went. It's not as if he found the child abandoned in a desert or something- in a city that's being destroyed it doesn't seem illogical that many children would be separated from their parents in the confusion.

[Agalayth]

Thanks for the constructive criticism. I know it's not the greatest, but it's my first real attempt at a story. I'll work on the things that you mentioned and edit the post as soon as I can.

[Lief Erikson]

I'm sorry, my post wasn't at all complimentary. It came out sounding more like criticism than constructive criticism. Sorry about that .

Your story is well written.

It was chaos. All the fire, all the screaming, it was too much for the traveling druid to bear. Of all nights, why did I chose this night to come to the city of Ilduran, he thought. He looked out his window, and saw the city consumed by smoke, flame and ash. The white towers were illuminated so they looked red and orange, and people were running out of their houses screaming. He grabbed his cloak and his sword, and he left the inn.

The descriptions in this and other parts of the beginning were very well done. The city collapsing and the attackers storming the place were very affectively portrayed.

“Who goes there?” Aysis, immediately looked behind him, and sure enough, it was a Dark Elf, only about fifty feet away. The Dark Elf was advancing at a quick pace. Aysis froze with fear, and knew that he was in grave danger. He tried to calm himself as best as he could. Now only thirty feet away. He concentrated his thoughts the best he could, and summoned the powers of nature. The Dark Elf’s feet were entangled in strong roots, and he tripped. Aysis then picked up the baby and ran for his life.

“After him!” yelled the Dark Elf, who was just getting his feet untangled. “After that Elf in the cloak!” Before long, there were over a dozen Dark Elves running after them all with various weapons, including swords, axes and bows.

Aysis’ heart was beating rapidly. He could not run forever, and he knew this. The child woke and started to cry very loudly. His sobs would make them easier to track. “Not... now...” said Aysis, who could hardly speak because of his fear. He looked down at the child as he ran. Something so innocent, so young, so fragile. Why are the Dark Elves so cruel, thought Aysis. The child cannot stay in this land. We must get out of here.

The transitions you make between thoughts and actions were all very well placed.

Oh, I just spotted a small criticism . In that last paragraph, it seemed a little strange for him to be fearing about the child when they're both likely to be killed. Feeling pity for the child and thinking about the cruelty of the Dark Elves seems more in place within the city than when he's on the run.



Much of your writing is very well done, though. I'm surprised to hear that this is your first real attempt.