A Humorous Monolouge

[Lady Ravyn]

this actually happened to me this afternoon before i went to work...

Ode To My Chocolate or My Lack of Will Power

Chocolate can talk.I swear to God it can.
You can hear it every time you see it, sitting there and looking all delicious and alluring. You may be on a diet, or maybe you gave it up for lent, or maybe you just want to save it for later. But the moment you resist it, the moment you stand up for yourself, you can hear its little voice speaking.
"Hey, you!" The chocolate shouts. "Yea, you! Why aren't you eating me? You know you want to. C'mon! It's okay!"
"No," you say, even though your mouth is starting to salivate. "I can't right now. I'll have you some other time."
The Chocolate stands up on the table now, and walks over to your hand, which begins reaching towards it of its own accord. "Oh, but I'm so good! You've had me before- you know how much you enjoy me! Just one bite; then you can put me down and never touch me again."
You think you're smart, and that you're up to his tricks. "Aha!" You exclaim, snatching back your hand from its dangerous proximity to the Chocolate. "I know what you're doing! I'll agree, take one bite, and then I won't be able to stop. You'll have me trapped! Well, I'm not falling for it! Nope! Sorry."
The Chocolate sighs, and sits on the edge of the table, playing with the end of its torn-off wrapper. "Okay, you got me. Because I like you, I'll be completely honest with you- I promise!" The Chocolate looks up at you, and sighs again. "Look, here's the thing: see, all chocolate have an obligation from the moment they're made to be eaten, and we suffer terribly until we are. So, really, by refusing to eat me, you're causing me great physical pain."
You think a moment, then condider him shrewdly. "What? 'Physical pain'? Are you kidding me? YOU ARE A CHOCOLATE BAR! YOU DON'T FEEL PAIN!"
"Yes, I do! I'm a person too, ya know! Well, sort of." The Chocolate appears to be hurt by your rushed judgement.
But you know right away that it's an act.
"Okay, well, if you can feel pain, then I shouldn't eat you, because it'll hurt when I bite into you!" Ha, you think, Got you there!
You forget, however, how really good the Chocolate is.
"Nope," it says smuggly. "When you bite into something, your teeth emit a small amount of anethesia into whatever it is you're eating. It's only apparent to the food, however; it's completely undetectable."
And now you remember who you're dealing with.
"But, but-" Your brain is shutting down now with the effort of keeping your hand away from the chocolate. "it's against my principles!"
"Ha!" Again, that obnoxiously smug grin appears. "That hasn't kept you from me before."
You're losing it now. You're hand has completly disobeyed your brain, and has wrapped itself around the Chocolate. You can see the Chocolate coming towards your face, but there's nothing you can do about it. You've lost control, and your senses are not your own. All you can do is mutter incoherently, and even that is ceasing as your mouth begins to open.
"Stop fighting." The Chocolate says in a soothing tone that makes the drool spill from your mouth as you open it up. "You knew you were going to give in from the start."
And then you remember that you always sort of knew that you'd eat him in the end. So you stop mumbling defiantly, and take back control of your hand as you shove the chocolate, whole, into your mouth and begin chewing violently.
Yum.
Nothing tastes as good as an obnoxious Chocolate Bar.

[Beruthiel's cat]

Very cute! I love it!

Think about it, though. I mean it isn't just chocolate bars that try to seduce us! Those little Hershey kisses and M & M's gang up on us and trick us with "...it's not so bad if you just eat one. We're small. Fewer calories per piece. You don't have to worry if you eat us..." Then we promptly eat the entire bag!

And I've also heard chocolate use this line: "You're tired. You need an energy boost. You know there's caffine in chocolate, right? It'll keep you awake without having to ingest any of that nasty old office coffee..."

Perhaps you should market a line of chocolate bars called "Obnoxious Chocolate...eat it for revenge!"

Great little essay!

[Lady Ravyn]

thanx! i said chocolate bar, but when i thought that up, i was being tempted by dove promises *yum!* so i meant kinda every sort of chocolate.

and hey! what a great idea for a candy line! lol

[Nerdanel]

I love your monologue. It's so true! Chocolate is evil..

[Jonathan]

I know I shouldn't have read your monologue when having three packets of chocolate right next to the computer... *munches*

Wait till Eärniel sees this thread

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Jonathan
Wait till Eärniel sees this thread

I have. Usually my conversation with a chocolate bar is a lot shorter and goes somewhat like this:

Eärniel: Oooh, chocolate!
Chocolate bar: Eat me! Eat me!
Eärniel: Okay! *chomp chomp*

[IronParrot]

The monologue is very readable aloud. Do you model your writer's voice after your spoken voice - that is to say, write them as you would speak them? Or did you just adopt that style specifically for the monologue here?