The Jokes Thread

[Gwaimir Windgem]

What, because I'm trying to keep the facts straight? Funny, I always thought sentiment has more of a tendency to blur the facts, but I guess it is actually very fact-oriented.

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by Gwaimir Windgem

What, because I'm trying to keep the facts straight? Funny, I always thought sentiment has more of a tendency to blur the facts, but I guess it is actually very fact-oriented.

Oh, now I'm twitching because you included the rolleyes smilie. I was only kidding, Gwai...you don't have to be so sensitive

[Gwaimir Windgem]

I know you're kidding, and I'm not being sensitive, I'm just following up.

[hectorberlioz]

*smacks Gwai, who is the real joke*

[Lief Erikson]

You guys have got to check this page out:
http://www.mapping.com/headline.html

I'll quote a few of the amphibolies in it. These were major headlines. You'll find a massive list of them in the site I've linked.

Originally Posted by mapping.com

0. Governor Swears in Legislature
0. March Planned For Next August
0. Blind Bishop Appointed To See
0. Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
0. L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
0. Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
0. Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
0. Diaper Market Bottoms Out

[Noble Elf Lord]

Anyone here read Reader´s Digest? I do, and these jokes are from that magazine. Enjoy! But please remember, I translated them from Finnish, so the grammar won´t be perfect. ( By the way, did the Orcs attack Entmoot yesterday? I tried to post here, put it kept complaining I´m not signed in - and I was.)

There was a man who loved food. One day he told his friend that his doctor noticed he has a diabetes. "The doctor told me to stop drinking wine and change my diet." "Whatcha gonna do?" his friend asked. The man replied: "Change doctor."

A man joins a monk order, which is very demanding: the monks are allowed only the very necessary amount of food and clothing. Plus they may only speak two words per year. After the first year the man goes to see the abbot. "You may now speak the 2 words. What are they?"
"Too cold", says the man. Second year:"I´m hungry."
Third year: "I´m out." "Thank God", says the abbot. Ever since you came here you´ve done nothing but complaining."

A man is applying for an engineers job. "What kind of payment did think to start with?" asks the boss. The man decides to take a risk and says: "I was thinking some 100 000 a year, depending on employment advantages." "All right, how would you like a five weeks holiday, a cottage, extra pension and a Porsche?" "Wow! You kidding?" "Yes, but you started it."

Teaching ain´t for sissies. A woman was teaching her class some grammar. She asked, which tense is the verb in in the phrase "I´m beautiful." One of the children said: "Past."

[Lief Erikson]

Lol. Those are great .

[Butterbeer]

Originally Posted by (Lief) mapping.com
0. Governor Swears in Legislature
0. March Planned For Next August
0. Blind Bishop Appointed To See
0. Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
0. L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
0. Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
0. Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
0. Diaper Market Bottoms Out

The Governor swears it'll happen in March, that we'll be led by the blind to the langerie dept, via route Rubble to Doctor Death's Latin Posterior clinic!

Nice Lief!

[Prince Myshkin]

A man walks into a restuarant and is seated. eventually the waiter comes and brings a menu.
Waiter: sorry about the wait sir, today we have everthing on the menu.
Man: I can see that, could you bring me a clean one?


And


what's purple and very very long?

The Grape-wall of China! *rim shot*

[Alec]

Originally Posted by Snowdog

Heres another religious one...


A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, waived off this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You guys ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Originally Posted by Beren3000

Three men were bragging about their virility: a Catholic, a Jew and a Mormon (Mormon is a Christian sect that allows polygamy). So the Catholic goes: " I have 5 children: one more and I'd have a basketball team."
So the Jew goes: "That's nothing! I have 10 children: one more and I'd have a soccer team."
The Mormon laughs and says: "You guys are clueless! I have 17 wives: one more and I'd have

Two corrections.
Mormons don't drink for one and we don't believe in polygamy. We never have.

Now for a joke.

No offence to you Canadians out there. I'm half Canadian

A Canadian woman goes to an American mom with a $20 bill In her hand. The Canadian gets the American mom attention and says you dropped this, referring to the money. The American mom says thank you so much but the Canadian say no thank you and walks away.