The Lord of the Plot Hole

[Nurvingiel]

This is a humorous short story which is set in Rohan during the Scouring of the Shire. I've been wanting to write a fan fiction about Middle-earth for some time now, but all my plot ideas were Mary Sueish escapades in which I (in the form of a huge Mary Sue) rescued Frodo from certain doom etc. This is the result of reading too many MST's on The Lord of the MST's website, and having an extensively long shower this morning, where I got the idea. My fevered brain is in the middle of final exams. This story is a work in progress, but I think it has potential. The most important thing I request any readers to look for is continuity with Middle-earth. Please point out even the tiniest detail that is not canon with Tolkien's Middle-earth.

Now, without further ado...

The Lord of the Plot Hole:
The Scouring of the Plot Hole, or
The Adventures of a Random Girl in Middle-earth

Part I:

After climbing for several hours, Mairi was now able to enjoy the best part of mountain biking – the downhill rush. Unfortunately, this was the most technically difficult trail she had ever ridden. The going was incredibly slow, and she was spending most of her time hopping logs. She should have guessed this on the way up, but she had taken a different route which was much clearer. Now, logs, and rocks choked the narrow path. It wound somewhat arbitrarily around trees, and no efforts had been made to smooth the rough trail.

She rounded a corner sharply, and swerved around a boulder. Her right pedal clipped the boulder but she didn’t lose her balance. Without warning, a huge hole, at least six feet wide, opened in front of her. She had just enough time to wonder why it was completely black – the forest was dim, but there should have been some light in the hold. Her front wheel plunged into the seemingly bottomless hole.

Mairi fell ten feet out of the air. Her bike bounced off the front wheel and she fell painfully on to her back. This harsh fall was made worse by the fact that her bike was on top of her because she was clipped in. She twisted her feet out of the pedal clips and awkwardly kicked her bike to the side. Mairi was thankful she was wearing a helmet because the back of her head had impacted the ground pretty hard. Luckily, she had landed on soft grass. She should have sustained more injuries than she did from such a fall. She was winded and sore, with a mild concussion, but she had fallen hard. She ascribed her lack of injury partly to the hard plastic body armour she was wearing, but mostly to luck.

She took off her helmet and rubbed the back of her sore head. Now to figure out where she was. Mairi was fairly open-minded, but she had trouble believing the hole she seemed to have fallen through actually led to an alternate dimension. But what other explanation? One moment, she was swerving around a boulder on a mountain in British Columbia, and the next, she was in a field with rolling hills. She stood up achingly, and looked more closely at her surroundings.

The beautiful, rolling grasslands continued as far as she could see. In the distance, she could see tall, snow-capped mountains. This could still be in British Columbia, but the mountains seemed larger and craggier even than the Rockies.

[Elf Girl]

Well written; but most probably a Mary-Sue. The 'girl-falls-into-ME' cliche is ancient.

[Nurvingiel]

Several kilometres away, though it was hard to gauge the distance, she could see a group of people on horseback. She couldn’t see them in any detail, but she could tell they had checked their direction, and were coming towards her.

She entertained the idea of trying to ride away, but she couldn’t outride horses. She looked at her bike, and realized the impact of the fall had deflated her front tire. Riding was definitely out of the question. She sat down next her bike, and took off her backpack. She had forgotten she was wearing it, but now she gratefully took out her water bottle. She quenched her thirst as the riders drew nearer.

They might be friendly, and can help me get back home, Mairi thought. Or in the expansive fields, they might not me heading towards me at all. However, it soon became clear that they were heading her way. They looked very medieval, dressed in armour and carrying spears. One also had a banner of a white horse on a green field. Mairi was afraid now, because if they weren’t friendly, she could easily be killed. She didn’t know what to expect in this strange, beautiful world.

The riders surrounded her efficiently in a perfect circle, spears levelled at her throat. A tall rider guided his horse forward. “Why are you trespassing in the Mark?” he asked harshly.
The was the worst but most obvious question he could have asked. “I...don’t know. I just fell through a hole,” Mairi said lamely.
“By your strange dress we suspected this,” said the tall man. Mairi was surprised. It was an odd thing to suspect. To his companions he said, “This must be the plot hole Gandalf warned us about.” He directed ten of his men to guard the area and report any strange occurrences. The group numbered around thirty in total. “I am Eomer, King of the Mark,” he said to Mairi. “This is no chance meeting. You will ride with us back to Edoras.” Mairi clearly didn’t have much choice, but she felt she could trust King Eomer.
“Can you ride?” Eomer asked her. “One of my men staying here can lend you his horse.”
“I’ve never ridden a horse before,” she replied, “But I could learn.”
“We do not have time to teach you now, we must make haste,” he said. “Ride behind me.” He took his right foot from the stirrup, and offered her his hand.

Mairi put her helmet in her backpack and put it on. She dubiously approached Eomer’s horse. She put her right foot in the stirrup and took his hand. He half pulled her up as she swung her leg over the horse’s back. She was nervous to be so high off the ground on an animal with a mind of its own.

“What about my bicycle? Er, that thing,” she added, pointing at it.
“We could carry it between two riders,” one man offered.
“Good idea Elfhelm,” said Eomer. Elfhelm and another rider dismounted. In a few minutes, the two riders were mounted, awkwardly held her bicycle between them. Eomer urged his horse into a run. Mairi had been sitting with her hands on her knees, carefully not touching Eomer. She didn’t want him to think she was hitting on him, even though he was extremely good-looking. Now that they were moving, she had no choice but to hold him around the waist. He obviously expected this, and made no comment. It’s the only was I could stay on anyway, Mairi justified to herself.
“What is your name Lady?” Eomer asked politely.
“Mairi,” she answered. Eomer briefly turned his head and gave her a strange look, but said nothing. The company was now at a full gallop.
“Fear not Mairi, the horses of Rohan do not let their riders fall,” reassured Eomer. This was the best thing to say to a first-time rider at a full gallop, and he put Mairi’s mind at ease. She started to enjoy the exhilarating ride.
About four hours later, the excitement had almost completely worn off. Her butt was more sore than when she had gone on her first overnight biking trip, and her knees hurt. They had stopped several times so that the riders carrying her bike could pass it to someone else. She and Eomer switched horses twice so as not to overburden one with two riders for too long.
At last, they came to Edoras. It was a walled city built on a hill. They rode through the iron gates, beneath parapets where many bowmen kept watch. Whenever the company passed someone on the road, they were greeted cheerfully.

[Nurvingiel]

Originally posted by Elf Girl
Well written; but most probably a Mary-Sue. The 'girl-falls-into-ME' cliche is ancient.

I know, and in my story, it is supposed to be extremely obvious that Mairi is really Mary Sue. This story is supposed to be a spoof of Mary Sue fan fics.

Thanks for pointing that out anyway though, I should make it more obvious that this story is not serious. I will make it more clear in further parts of the story.

The most Sueish part of the story is where Mairi is riding behind Eomer. I think that part is very funny, but I am inclined to exaggerate my own jokes.

How is the Middle-earth continuity?

Not being one myself, I would also appreciate if a mountain biker would tell me if all my mountain biking references are okay.

Thanks for looking at my story Elf Girl, I hope you stay to read the rest. Please don't be put off by the Mary Sue, she doesn't fall in love with Eomer, Legolas, Aragorn, or anyone!

[Elf Girl]

If it's going to be a 'spoof', why do you care how continuous is it with ME? I'm kind of confused, is it supposed to be funny or serious?

As far of ME-continuity goes: No one there speaks English. That's the only error I saw, but I'm no expert on Rohan.

I don't see anything odd about her riding behind Eomer. After all, the Riders aren't likely to tow extra horses along with them. Although Eomer would be more likely to curteousely give his horse to the lady. Only if she revealed that she couldn't ride would he have her ride behind someone, IMHO.

[Nurvingiel]

For somereason Entmoot wouldn't let me post a reply earlier; let's try again.

You are right about Eomer sharing his horse. And, she did say she couldn't ride. It’s just that it seemed excessively Mary Sue-ish, but I couldn’t really get around it.

Thanks for pointing out that no one speaks English. If I was to re-write it including this information, it would be a completely different story. The only plot device I can think of around this is she's under the influence of the "Fan-girl Babel Fish Spell" or something like that. (The Babel fish is from "The Hitch-hiker's guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams, and it lets you understand and speak any language.)

Since it's supposed to be a spoof this could make fun of the fact that many people who appear magically in ME can speak Westron and Elvish etc. I don't particularly like my language plot device, but I can't think of anything else. It does have potential anyway.

The reason I care about continuity is stuff is funnier that way. I guess it's not that important though. I won't worry about it.

The original concept for this story was for it to be funny, but it seems to have evolved into a serious, ordinary story. I think I will continue writing it that way.

The biggest problem will be that my main character is a thinly disguised Mary Sue, but at least I won't have to explain why she can communicate with everyone. (That's one of the abilities of a Mary Sue.)

Thanks for your help. This is definitely a work in progress.

[Elf Girl]

Well, IMO you should either write a spoof or a serious story. If it's going to be serious you should fix the Sue, if a spoof you should make it Sueier. If you try to have it serious as it is it's just a mediocre Sue-story.

[Nurvingiel]

Aw. Crap. You're right Elf Girl. Well, even as I posted, I knew you were right. I have trouble writing cheesy stories to be humorous, but I'm stuck with a Sue plot that I need to carry through. It would be wrong to inflict a Sue on the world - a world where legions of fangirls run rampant.

It's time for some Sue-ification! Sue-o-rama! Spoof time.

[Goldberry1]

ah! i love these first two parts! keep adding to it, it's very good... and entertaining.

[Nurvingiel]

Thanks Goldberry! I have a lot of rewriting to do on it, if I want to realize my dream of a spoof. I have some good ideas though, and the outline of the story remains the same.

Cheers, Nurv

[Nurvingiel]

Okay, I ignored this story for quite some time, intending to never bother with it again. But somehow I just have to write this story, which is annoying because it kind of sucks! I'm trying to make it a short story, please help me be succinct.

I did realize though, that what I was really doing with this story is exploring what would really happen to someone if they appeared randomly in Middle-earth. The English thing has been corrected, and now her inability to speak Rohirric (is that right?) or Westron is a fairly important plot device.

Here is the new and improved version:

Prologue

The morning was sunny and clear as Heather flew down the winding mountain trail. She loved mountain biking, and the weather was perfect. It had taken her three hours to reach the summit, and she’d probably be at the bottom in twenty minutes. The trail wound around the side of a ravine, with a beautiful creek below. She let her eyes linger on the scenery a moment too long, and was surprised by a fallen log across the path. She was going way too fast to do a log hop properly, and she fell forward, flipping over the handle bars. The last thing she remembered was blackness, and a strangely long pause before she slammed into the ground, her bike landing on top of her.

[Ñólendil]

The only thing I understand about this thread is that Nurvingiel was seriously making fun of Elf Girl. What I don't understand is the latest post, but I'm not going to fall into the trap by asking about it.

[Nurvingiel]

I was not making fun of her... now I think you're making fun of me! (Which is okay.) I don't think you understand my humour (or lack thereof) Ñólendil.

Maybe I used the word 'improved' a little too loosely. The story still has issues. But I value Elf Girl's opinion, she was right about the original story too.

[Elf Girl]

She wasn't making fun of me! What gave you that idea?

The thread went something like this:
Nurv posts story.
I reply with questions/criticism about story.
There is discussion of story and criticism.
Nurv fixes story.

That seems fine, no?

Nurv: I'm not sure if I've told you this before, but I'm working on the ever-elusive 'realistic Sue' as well. I'm trying to make it a 'good self-insert' too- as in inserting myself, but ALL of myself, including my flaws. Ugh. It's not going well, but I'll post it pretty soon.

[Nurvingiel]

Wow, that would be difficult to write. I'll help you as best I can when you post it.

This story is awkward to write, but I certainly appreciate your help. The Serious Sue - can she exist in a realistic way? We will find out.

EDIT: I'll add what I have for Chapter 1, though it's not finished. Then you can digest it in small chunks.

[Nurvingiel]

Chapter 1

Heather woke up slowly, her head pounding. Something sharp was digging into the back of her head, and there was an akward weight on top of her. Her entire body throbbed in pain, especially her head and her right wrist. Her green eyes slowly focused on the cloudless blue sky. This didn’t seem right to her, but she had more pressing issues. She started to become more aware of her surroundings and painfully lifted her bicycle to the side. It was her helmet, smashed in half, that had been digging into her. Slowly, she sat up. This caused anguish to new muscles, and her head throbbed harder. A rythmic drumming pounded in her ears. She sat quietly with her head between her knees, but the pounding only grew louder.

At this point, she looked up to see a group of horsemen galloping over the plains. Horsemen? Plains? “The ravine wasn’t that deep,” was her first though. Where was the mountain? The trees? She was on a wide, green plain with rolling hills. There were white-capped mountains in the distance. The pain in her head was forgotten for a moment as she tried to figure out what happened.

She reached the conclusion that she was unconscious from the fall, and was having a bizarre dream. But no dream could possibly be this real! The horsemen approached quickly. She could make out their long spears and green banners. Suddenly, they abruptly changed direction and headed straight for her. Wherever she was in this dream land, she must be an intruder. She biefly entertained thoughts of running away, but there was nowhere to hide, especially now that they had seen her.

[Ñólendil]

I was not making fun of her... now I think you're making fun of me! (Which is okay.) I don't think you understand my humour (or lack thereof) Ñólendil.

It seemed to me you were being rather sarcastic. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not.

[Elf Girl]

I'm pretty sure you are.

Nurv- *yawn* I'm to tired and busy to critique it now- I'll see if I can get to it sometime this week.

[Nurvingiel]

No worries Elf Girl. A buddy of mine from another message board did a really in depth analysis of grammar and plot, so no pressure.

However, I still would like to know what you think about the plot, is it feasable, did I deal with the giant plot hole that is the premise of my story well, etc.

(Just so ya know Ñólendil, the above was not a sarcastic post. )