They'd never say that! (part 2)

[jammi567]

This is a continuation of the thread in the lord of the rings forum, except you can now use characters from the hobbit and silmarillion as well. enjoy .

[me9996]

Okay...
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Bilbo Baggens:MUHAHAHA!!! I WILL STEAL THOSE DWARVES BLIND!!! MUHAHA!!!
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Gollum:Okay, Let's play a game, if I win I eat you, if you win I eat you anyway.
Bilbo:hmm... Can I think about this?

[jammi567]

Feanor has just created the simarils, and is having a party to celebrate. suddenly, Barbie Girl by Aqua is playing very loudly (don't ask), and he also grabs Galadrials hand to dance with her. she's pissed out of her mind.

Hi, Glad!
Hi, Feo! (falls over)
(pulling her up) You wanna go for a ride?
Sure, Feo!
Jump in! (both fall into an opentop sportscar. Feanor takes the wheel and zooms around the plains of Valinor).

(Galadriel) I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's brill (throws up over edge of car)
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere (feanor looks long and hard at her breasts. Manages to just advoid the Trees).
Imagination, life is your creation (throws up again. Feanor does a thumbs up to Eru).
(Feanor) Thanks dude!

(Feanor) You're my doll, rock'n'roll (smokes a bit of weed whilst also imitating hitting drums), feel the glamouring and pain (takes his shoes and socks off. Puts car on autopilet and at high speed).
Kiss me here (touches d**k), touch me there (touches knee) , hanky panky (she touches him lightley on the knee).

(Galadriel) Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees. (during this, she takes off her shoes and dress, and he takes off his shirt and trousers. They are both totally naked).

(both together) You can touch, you can play
If you say: "I'm always yours". (Feanor stops the car. Galadriel gets on top of him, and is about to do "it" when...)

(Finarfin) What the effing hell are you doing?!
(Finwe) Yes Feanor, you were about to have sex with your step-niece!
(Feanor) I know that, but I really wanted a bit of her hair, and when she said no...
(Finwe) You, young man, are grounded for 12 years.
(Feanor) But dad, I've just created the most...
(Finwe) I don't ******* care, you're still grounded.
(Finarfin) That goes for you too, but for as well as taking drink, you're grounded for an extra 15 years.
(Galadriel, getting up from the floor) But daddy, it's not my fault. (she bursts into tears).

[me9996]

(Sam is doing taxes on his computer and Frodo comes in with a silly hat on)
Frodo:I'm a lawn gnome!
Sam(Flatly):Realy...
Frodo:YUP!
Sam(Flatly):And how did you find this out?
Frodo:Aragorn said I was a lawn gnome! And that he was...
Frodo(Perfect imatation of Aragorns voice):'THE EVILEST LAWN GNOME IN MIDDLE EARTH!!!'
Sam(Flatly):Realy...
Frodo:And he said that Gimli and I are lawn gnome too!
Sam(Flatly):Then why don't you go out and stand in the lawn while I finish my taxes?
Frodo:OKAY!!!
(Frodo leaves)
(Later)
Sam:Ah, done with my taxes, and look just in time! April 14th! (And I started on July 2nd!)
*Rim shot*
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(Sam is playing Suducu and Frodo comes into the room carrying some geliton desert)
Frodo:My <Product> talked to me, hey wait, why was that censored?
Sam:It's a brand name, you've gotta use genaric names for stuff.
Frodo:Huh?
Sam:That food is Geliton desert, this thing is tisue paper, this is a copying mashean.
Frodo:What have you done with the <Product>, the <Product>, and the <Product>?!?
Sam:Any way, you said the Geliton desert talked to you?
Geliton:YUP! I did, my name is <Product> and I think this product censoring stinks!
Sam:You would, so I guess for once you were right Frodo. Frodo?
Frodo:HELP!!! I GOT SOME <Product> COUGHT IN THE <Product> AND IT'S ATTACKING MEEEEE!!!
Sam(Flatly):You got tissue paper stuck in the copyer again?
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Sam:On brave sir-
Aragorn:IF I HEAR THAT ONE MORE TIME I'LL DEFECT TO SOURONS HOARDS!!!
Sam:On brave sir Aragorn...
(Later at balendur)
Souron:So what are your credenshals?
Aragorn:I am Aragorn son of Arathorn heir to the thrown of Gondor!
Souron:That's it?
Aragorn:I also got experience as an evil minion in collage.
Souron:Hmm... We'll review your resume' and call you back tomarow.
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[me9996]

About time for a joke involveing fireworks, Gandalf, and orcs... Hmm...
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Orc1:Soooo, Gandalf, what are these fireworks for anyway?
Gandalf(Very fast):They are to celebrate the independence of a country that will gain it's independence in possably sevral millenia and 2 days.
Orc1:And what does fireworks have to do with this?
Gandalf(Very fast):It is a widespread method of celebration in the time of this country.
Orc1:And why are we doing this all this time before them?
Gandalf(Very fast):It is a joke desighned to make the people over 200 years past the date of the afforementioned nations independance find great humor in the fact that orcs and wizards are celebrateing the date of their nations birth.
(Later)
Orc2:So what did he say?
Orc1:He didn't know ether.
Orc2(very fast):Oh well, I guess it is very illogical for orcs to celebrate a holiday called 'Independance Day' when orckind has been enslaved many times by whatever evil there is in middle earth and any time they are free they are only free as there is no one to enslave them.
Orc1:Shhh! The fireworks are starting!
Orc2: Do you ever get deja vu?
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[jammi567]

(It's the council of Elrond. suddenly...)
Elrond: Mr Baggins, you are the One.
Frodo: W-w-what?
E: You are the only One who can distroy the One.
F: Errr, Elrond, i think you've got the wrong movie.
E: Therefore, i will have to kill you.
F: Fine, i give up. i'll go along with you.
(They fight ala the end of 'The Matrix'. all of a sudden...)
Gandalf: STOP!
(They do)
G: Elrond, Frodo, what are you doing? This isn't 'The Matrix'. It's...'The Davinci Code!'
(Everyone there stares are him in silence).
Legolas: I'm a proffecional movie critic, and you have to be part of the shitest movie of the year.
(Everyone murmers in agreement).
L: Therefore, we have to kill you, and everyone who was ever a part of it.
(They do so)

(no offence to anyone who does like it, because i know i do).

[me9996]

Go Legoless!
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(Part of the shire with a cat walking along)
Cat:Whats this? A ring?
(The cat finds The one ring to rule them all!)
Smegol:Give that ring to me! I have the weak exuse of it being my birthday and I will eventuly come to think that that ring is my birthday prezant!
Cat:No, I don't want to.
Smegol:YAAAHHH!!!!
(Smegol charges at the cat, the cat shoots bolts of lightning out of its paw at Smegol)
Smegol:ARG!!!
Cat:I wonder what I can do with this ring?
(200 years later at a very large black castle that wasn't in LOTR)
Cat:Bring me fish.
Shaby looking elf:Yes my leage.
(The Shaby looking elf walks off)
Souron:HEY CAT!!! Give me that ring!
Cat:Were did you come from?
Souron:That's my ring!
Cat:How about a stareing contest?
Souron:Okay!
(The cat and Souron stare at each other)
Shaby looking dwarf:This could get good...
(10 years later)
Souron:Can't keep it up much longer!
Cat:I can keep going forever.
(Souron blinks)
Cat:I win!
Souron(Star wars stile):NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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(The attack on the black gate)
Aragorn:On we go to death and glory!
Gondor soldierid he say death?
Rohon soldier:Yup!
Aragorn:We may not survive this day but we will aways be remembered as the ones who stood up against Souron!
(Everybody but Aragorn and Gandalf start backing off)
Aragorn:We will be remembered for as long as there will be people to sing it!
(Everybody but Aragorn and Gandalf run off)
Aragorn:And we will- wait a sec, were did everybody go?
Gandalf(Strange french actcent):I want to 'keel' somthing!
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[jammi567]

Morgoth (to Sauron): You know what, this 'being evil' stuff is really just getting boring now. i just want to grow and pick pritty pink flowers, and have a cute dance with one of those nice women. or even marry one, and settle down a bit.
(meanwhile in Valinor...)
Manwe (sounding like a rock/grunger singer): Oh my ******* god, i look and sound so coooooooool! YEH!!!!!!
(he has piercings, tattoos, etc all over his body, and is wearing leather everything).

[me9996]

I've gotten far enough in the Slim to do this one...
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Feanor:I have just made the Silmarils!
Valor1:Feanor:That big spidey lady sucked those trees dry!
Feanor:Okay! Here they are! I can alway make more as long as those glowy tree exist!
Valor1:Oh, you don't have to! We can just make more, after are we are omnipotent within middle earth.
Feanor:Take them anyway! I'm just starting to get good at this.
Valor1:Okay Feanor, you've made you're point, plus I think the spidey lady is sick.
Uglonegent(Or something like that):Ohhh!!! I'm sooo fullll!!!
Morgoth:I'm so sorry you guys, I made a big mistake and I want to throw myself at the mercy of the corts.
Valor2on't worry, we all like you guy! GROOP HUG!!!
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Past this it is all LOTR or hobbit, I have yet to get past chapter 8 in the Slim
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Frodo:I still don't like this product censor me9996's going on his posts with us in it!
Sam(Flatly):I like it.
Frodo:But I can't even eat <Product> or drink <Product> (a fruit drink)
Sam(Flatly):I like it.
Frodo:How about I <Product> your mouth... Hey that isn't a product.
Sam(Flatly):It is duct tape <Product> is copywrighted.
Frodo:What?!?
Sam(Flatly):You have been misspronounceing it and what you are saying is copywrighted.
Frodo:AAARRRGGG!!!
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Frodo:I don't like how me9996 keeps protraying me as an imbicle!
Sam:But it's funny!
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(We find Frodo in Balen-dur)
Souron:And why are you here again?
Frodo:Sam turned me in when you changed the reward to 3 potatos.
Souron:So why are you here?
Frodo:I thought you wanted the ring.
Souron:Huh?
Frodo:You... don't want the ring?
Souron:I'm after my wedding ring! I lost it in battle -with my finger- and I've been trying to find it ever sence then.
Frodo:Sooo you're married?
Souron:And you're suprized?
Frodo:Yes! I thought you were an evil maia!
Souron:And even evil maia can fall in love.
Frodo:EW!!! So you are going to torture me!
Souron:Not unless
???on't you start that again!
Frodo:
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Tom Bombadil:I will find you Peter Jackson!
Ragast:So will I
Tom Bombadil:And then we and our hoards of evil mutent squrrels will get our revenge!
Ragast:Who's hoards of evil mutent squrrels?
Tom Bombadil:I just figured that sence we are joint comanders of them we could...
Ragast:YOU FIGURED WRONG!!!
(They start fistfighting)
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Aragorn:I AM STILL THE EVILEST LAWN GNOME IN MIDDLE EARTH!!!
Gandalf:Stop it or I will turn you into a lawn gnome!
Aragorn:BUT I ALREADY THE EVILEST LAWN GNOME IN MIDDLE-
(Gandalf turns Aragorn into a lawn gnome)
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[jammi567]

(Beren has just met Luthein in the woods)
B: i want to marry you
L: sure, alright, but i have to ask daddy first.
B: ok.
(They walk to thousand caves)
L: daddy, mummy, i'm home
(Thingle and Melian come in)
M: who's this sexy looking stranger?
L: this is beren, he's a man, he's just met me, and he want's to marry me
(B nods head vigurusly)
T: sure, why not
(L, B, and M all stare at him)
T: what?!
M: well, normally, you send them on a quest thing that usially means that they die a painful death, and that no-one can marry your beautiful daughter.
B: yeh, dude, i thought you would make me do something like getting a simaril from Morgoth.
T: now why would i want to do that? just because people from the magical, invisible land of Entmoot hate me to bits, and consider me cruel and unfair, compared to that pritty boy Finrod of some stupid caves, doesn't mean that i am.
L: well, ok then...
(they get married instantly, before T changes his mind).

[me9996]

Have you nodiced that only 2 people have posted here?
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Gandalf:HELP!!! I LIT A POTATO ON FIRE!!!
Sam:PO-TA-TO
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[jammi567]

yes i had. if you want to do something to try and boost publisity...

[jammi567]

Legolas: oh, look at me, i'm such a big, strong, hunky looking elf.
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Gandalf the white: me, an all powerful maiar? (gives a high pitch girlish laugh). you have to be kidding. all i rarther do is sit down, and snuggle up next to young Samwise here.
(he does so, and we see Sam enjoying this, and stroking Gandalf's leg in a girlish way).

[jammi567]

That above quote so says a lot in so few words.

[me9996]

Balrog:I'm a cute little kitten!!!

[jammi567]

Turin was a good boy, who was never prideful, and never did anything rash. He lived in the beautiful land of Hithlum, which had never been overrun with eminies ever. He lived there with his happy sister, his happy, but never prideful, mum, and his dad, who was one of the most peace loving people in the whole of middle earth.

[me9996]

Remember Smog from the hobbit? Well this is why no one slew him before...
(A knight comes into Smogs cave)
Knight:I shall slay thou fowl worm!
Smog:I'm not a worm! Do worms breath fire?
(Breaths fire at the knight)
Knight:Thou wilst be firste, I shall be off to ye olde hosbitle...
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(A dwarf comes into Smogs cave)
Dwarf:I will have your head, worm!
Smog: Do worms have scales?
(Smog brings around his tail and shows that it is covered in scales)
Dwarf:Umm...
(The drarf leaves and shouts out after he gets out)
Dwarf:The dragon's mentle!
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(An elf comes into Smogs cave)
Elf:I will smite you, worm!
(Smog starts banging his head on the wall)
Elf:Um... Sir?
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[jammi567]

Thigul was a tyrant in the kindom of doriath. whenever someone said anything stupid, like wanting to marry his beautiful daughter, he would immejectly send them to their death.

[Meriadoc Brandybuck]

The world is changing... I can feel it in the water. I can smell it in the air. I can taste it in the beer.

[jammi567]

(just as the fellowship are about to leave lothlorien)
Galadriel: Wait, i want to come with you.
Fellowship: What! why?
G: Oh, only because my husbond is a dickhead, and can't do anything right.
F: ok then, jump abord.