Jackson "Lord of the Rings"-es New Film Based on The Bible

[bropous]

Move forward in time.

Jackson is on the set of his new film, "The Bible".

Sweating in a dank tent in which hangs a heavy atmosphere of halitosis, days-old sweat, smelly fungal-tinged feet and never-ending choruses of buzzard-stunning flatulence, Jackson broods away, heaving gulping breaths of reeking stench into his corpulent, hygenically-challenged form, belching back his lunch and hunching over a grease-splattered word processor. His day's mission: Re-writes!!!

The Bible? He scoffs. Who could understand all of that claptrap? All those characters? All that stuff going on at once, clear-cut good-and-evil, the struggle for humanity, it has to go! Complexity? Modern audiences don't want complexity! I am a fan, making a movie for fans! All must be changed!!

Jackson has a movie audience to please, who cares if the source material is perfect as is? It has to be beefed up and modernized! Starting with the the whole "Jesus" thingy, his pudgy fingers strike the keys as he begins "punching up" the love affair between Mary Magdalene and Jesus, adding the romance to the story he found sadly missing from the original source material.

Wait, we need to appeal to the early-teen girls....Jackson adds Jesus' baby sister, Jesetta, who rides the countryside clearing moneychangers from temples and presiding over "civil union" ceremonies for up to seven people of indeterminate sex. Gotta make that connection with modern audiences!

The crucifixion, no, that would be too draggy, it is replaced with an epic battle between Jesus, with fire flying from his fingertips, smashing cohort after cohort of ranked Roman legions. Then, Jesus descends into Hell and battles Satan himself in a grudge match.

The boring backstory of Genesis is shortened; Noah now is first of men, and he builds the Ark just as he is being driven from the Garden of Eden, accompanied in Jackson's script by Elijah and Ezekiel (to save time and compress characters and speed the development of the obviously staid and slow original story). Save all the animals two-by-two? Naaawww!! Fifteen pairs of animals are put in a skiff as an "homage" to the original story. another bone to toss to the "purist" fans! That'll shush 'em!

The Covenant with the Hebrews, oh gosh, too slow, too slow. God comes down and buys land in Israel proper and RENTS to the Israelis. Much better, modernized, and more believable for audiences. Also helps with the over-30 demographic.

Finally, in a controversial move, Armageddon is eliminated from the script as being "too mystical, too hard for audiences to understand" and Jesus simply returns to Earth after two thousand years, sits down before the fire, draws little Elanor into his lap, and says, "well, I'm home!". All nice and tidy. Can;t have the audience think the story is over and add another twist at the end! What, do people think he's spielberg or something? The end means the end!

Unjustified changes? Gee, you must be a biblical purist!!!!! Don't complain about Jackson's barely recognizable film, by golly, look at all the Bible t-shirts, coffee mugs and role-playing card games selling like hotcakes! That alone shows Jackson is greater than God and knew far more about the bible than the bozos who originally cranked out the story. What the heck did THEY know, anyways? All they were doing was creating a civilization. Jackson, by gum, made a FILM!!!!