Monty Python Meets LOTR - Page 4

Cirdan · 02-13-2003, 04:18 PM

Elrond Anyway, about the Fellowship..
Frodo Well I saw your haven in the mountains and I've been on tours several times, you see, and I decided that this was for me, to destroy the ring.
Elrond Ah good.
Frodo Yes I quite agree with you, I mean what's the point of being treated like a sheep, I mean I'm fed up with going abroad and being treated like a sheep, what's the point of being carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Bree and Hardbottle in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their 'Sunday Mirrors', complaining about the tea, 'Oh they don't make it properly here do they not like at home' stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips and Biblo’s Old Winyard and calamares and two veg and sitting in cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh cos they 'overdid it on the first day'!
Elrond (agreeing patiently) Yes. Absolutely, yes, I quite agree...
Frodo And being herded into endless Mines, and Towers, Ruins and Havens with their international luxury modern flets and their Biblo’s Old Winyard and their swimming pools full of fat Dunlending businessmen pretending they're acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children and barging in to the queues and if you're not at your table spot on seven you miss your bowl of Maggots's Cream of Mushroom soup, the first item on the menu of Middle Earth Cuisine, and every Thursday night there's a bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny emaciated gollum with nine-inch hips and some big fat bloated tart with her hair brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners.
Elrond (beginning to get fed up) Yes, yes, now...
Frodo And then some adenoidal typists from Bracegirdle with diarrhoea and flabby white legs and hairy bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel, and then, once a week there's an excursion to the local Eridorian ruins where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream and bleedin' Biblo’s Old Winyard, and one night they take you to a local restaurant with local colour and colouring and they show you there and you sit next to a party of people from Edoras who keeps singing 'Torremolinos, Torremolinos' and complaining about the food - 'Oh! It's so greasy isn't it?' and then you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer from the Shire with an Instamatic and Dr Scholl sandals and last Tuesday's 'Daily Express' and he drones on and on and on about how Mr. Elessar should be running this country and how many languages Gandalf can speak and then he throws up all over the Pipeweed.
Elrond Will you be quiet please.
Frodo And sending tinted postcards of places they don't know they haven't even visited, 'to all at number 22, weather wonderful, our room is marked with an "X". Wish you were here.'
Elrond Shut up.
Frodo 'Food very greasy but we have managed to find this marvellous little place hidden away in the back streets.'
Elrond Shut up!
Frodo 'Where you can even get Biblo’s Old Winyard and cheese and onion...'
Elrond Shut up!!!
Frodo '...crisps and the accordionist plays "Maybe it's because I'm a Breer"' and spending four days on the boat on the Anduin on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dried Lembas....
Elrond Shut your bloody gob! I've had enough of this, I'm going to ring the police.

Insidious Rex · 02-13-2003, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cirdan
Brief stock shot of a Teleri ship.

this is too funny

Coney · 02-13-2003, 04:32 PM

*dead*

*happy*

*but dead*

Cirdan · 02-13-2003, 04:38 PM

They did the hard part for me.

Dunadan · 02-13-2003, 05:04 PM

Those are truly awesome.

How about (sorry - it's the opening bit for your last one):

THORIN: (knocks on door of Bag End) Good evening.
BILBO: Oh good evening.
*Slightly awkward silence*
BILBO: Do you want to come upstairs?
THORIN: What?
BILBO: (with alluring voice) Do you want to come upstairs?
THORIN: errr
BILBO: (suddenly looks all serious) Oh, have you come about the thief?
THORIN: Er, yes, to hire a thief. What's all this about coming upstairs?
BILBO: Oh, er, ha ha, nothing. Come in, come in. (shouts) Gandalf!

Insidious Rex · 02-13-2003, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cirdan
They did the hard part for me.

hey i have these books but they are actual BOOKS. i had to type mine in by hand.

Cirdan · 02-13-2003, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Insidious Rex
hey i have these books but they are actual BOOKS. i had to type mine in by hand.

Neccessity may be the mother of invention but laziness is the father.

***azalea*** · 02-14-2003, 12:40 AM

How about a good MP cartoon of Sauron's eye flaming and making a grumbly noise and then a big finger comes out of no where and pokes it?
Or a cartoon of the Fellowship entering Moria and facing the Balrog, then the giant foot comes down *squash*

niobeisme · 02-14-2003, 02:07 AM

If someone wants to take these and run ...

Aragorn & Lurtz (as Aragorn is chopping off arm and head--movie)--"It's only a flesh wound ..." from Holy Grail

A wraith instead of Death at the party where people died from bad canned salmon (next to last scene in Meaning of Life)

Orcs (choose your own scene) --"Can we have your liver, then?"

Dead Balrog = Dead Parrot bit.

And, I would love for OneRing or someone with talent for song parody to take on the song Eric Idle sings from Meaning of Life when they open the ice box and he's up in space--"Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving ..."

Peace!

Fimbrethil · 02-14-2003, 08:17 AM

I haven't had a chance to read all of these so if I'm redoing secenes please tell me.

Aragorn and his army are seen lying behind a hill in front of Mordor with Gandalf explaining something.
Gandalf:So you see Aragorn we wait till they're all asleep. Then you and I shall jump out taking them completly by surprise!
Aragorn:Right! Now who's supposed to jump out?
Gandalf:You and I......(relizing his mistake).
Suddenly you see a huge badger flying through the air. And it lands on Hama(who has already died several times and come back to life).

Fimbrethil · 02-14-2003, 08:18 AM

I haven't had a chance to read all of these so if I'm redoing secenes please tell me.

Aragorn and his army are seen lying behind a hill in front of Mordor with Gandalf explaining something.
Gandalf:So you see Aragorn we wait till they're all asleep. Then you and I shall jump out taking them completly by surprise!
Aragorn:Right! Now who's supposed to jump out?
Gandalf:You and I......(relizing his mistake).
Suddenly you see a huge badger flying through the air. And it lands on Hama(who has already died several times and come back to life).
Later you see you see Frodo and Sam running from the friece Rabbit!!

I thought these were pretty good.

**Nurvingiel** · 02-09-2005, 11:11 AM

Aragorn:The place is Minas Anor. The year is 2.
Voice: Third Age?
Aragorn:Of course it's the Third Age. You don't have to say it's the Third Age. I’m trying to tell you about Isildur here! I mean, they didn't have “Fourth Age” written on the Red Book of Westmarch, I mean no one is going to say at Yuletide "Welcome to 172 Fourth Age" It's 2.
Voice: The Two Trees?
Aragorn:No, it's not not the Two Trees, it's 2, the year!
Voice: Second Age then?
Aragorn:No, it's not likely to be the Second Age anyway. Nothing happened in 2 Second Age. Well, not in Minas Anor. Ah, all right, in Lindon...
Voice: In Mithlond, then?
Aragorn:...in Mithlond, yes absolutely, but I didn't say "The place is Mithlond. The year is.." Hang on, hang on, wait, look, we gotta sort this out. This is background, it's important material, and it's new, it's a totally new link, they won't understand a word of it, you know, if you fade me out now. (fade)

Thanks to Monty Python, Final Rip-Off - Introduction and The Encyclopedia of Arda.

ItalianLegolas · 02-12-2005, 10:42 AM

Orc: We could build a giant, wooden Wolf my Lord!
Sauron: SHUT UP!!! WILL YOU SHUT UP!! BLOODY ORC!!

**Nurvingiel** · 02-16-2005, 08:43 PM

Hehe...

This one isn't quite as creative as my last one, but Eärniel inspired me in the "Why burglar" thread...

Bilbo Baggins: Morning!
Bard of Laketown: Morning!
Bilbo: Well, what've you got?
Bard: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and cram; egg bacon and cram; egg bacon sausage and cram; cram bacon sausage and cram; cram egg cram cram bacon and cram; cram sausage cram cram cram bacon cram tomato and cram;
Elves of Mirkwood: (starting to chant) Cram cram cram cram...
Bard: ...cram cram cram egg and cram; cram cram cram cram cram cram baked beans cram cram cram...
Elves: (singing) Cram! Lovely cram! Lovely cram!
Bard: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle paté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and cram.
Thorin Oakenshield: Have you got anything without cram?
Bard: Well, there's cram egg sausage and cram, that's not got much cram in it.
Thorin: I don't want ANY cram!
Bilbo: Why can't he have egg bacon cram and sausage?
Thorin: THAT'S got cram in it!
Bilbo: Hasn't got as much cram in it as cram egg sausage and cram, has it?
Elves: Cram cram cram cram (crescendo through next few lines)
Thorin: Could you do the egg bacon cram and sausage without the cram then?
Bard: Urgghh!
Thorin: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like cram!
Elves: Lovely cram! Wonderful cram!
Bard: Shut up!
Elves: Lovely cram! Wonderful cram!
Bard: Shut up! (Elves stop) Bloody Elves! You can't have egg bacon cram and sausage without the cram.
Thorin: I DON'T LIKE CRAM!
Bilbo: Sshh, Thorin, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your cram. I love it. I'm having cram cram cram cram cram cram cram beaked beans cram cram cram and cram!
Elves: (singing) Cram cram cram cram. Lovely cram! Wonderful cram!
Bard: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Bilbo: Well could I have his cram instead of the baked beans then?
Bard: You mean cram cram cram cram cram cram cram cram cram cram cram and cram!
Elves: (singing) Cram cram cram cram. Lovely cram! Wonderful cram! Lovely cram! Wonderful cram! Cram spa-a-a-a-a-am cram spa-a-a-a-a-am cram. Lovely cram! Lovely cram! Lovely cram! Lovely cram! Lovely cram! Cram cram cram cram!

02-13-2003, 04:18 PM	#61
Cirdan Elf Lord of the Grey Havens Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: somewhere else Posts: 2,381	...and my personal favorite... Elrond Anyway, about the Fellowship.. Frodo Well I saw your haven in the mountains and I've been on tours several times, you see, and I decided that this was for me, to destroy the ring. Elrond Ah good. Frodo Yes I quite agree with you, I mean what's the point of being treated like a sheep, I mean I'm fed up with going abroad and being treated like a sheep, what's the point of being carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Bree and Hardbottle in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their 'Sunday Mirrors', complaining about the tea, 'Oh they don't make it properly here do they not like at home' stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips and Biblo’s Old Winyard and calamares and two veg and sitting in cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh cos they 'overdid it on the first day'! Elrond (agreeing patiently) Yes. Absolutely, yes, I quite agree... Frodo And being herded into endless Mines, and Towers, Ruins and Havens with their international luxury modern flets and their Biblo’s Old Winyard and their swimming pools full of fat Dunlending businessmen pretending they're acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children and barging in to the queues and if you're not at your table spot on seven you miss your bowl of Maggots's Cream of Mushroom soup, the first item on the menu of Middle Earth Cuisine, and every Thursday night there's a bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny emaciated gollum with nine-inch hips and some big fat bloated tart with her hair brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners. Elrond (beginning to get fed up) Yes, yes, now... Frodo And then some adenoidal typists from Bracegirdle with diarrhoea and flabby white legs and hairy bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel, and then, once a week there's an excursion to the local Eridorian ruins where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream and bleedin' Biblo’s Old Winyard, and one night they take you to a local restaurant with local colour and colouring and they show you there and you sit next to a party of people from Edoras who keeps singing 'Torremolinos, Torremolinos' and complaining about the food - 'Oh! It's so greasy isn't it?' and then you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer from the Shire with an Instamatic and Dr Scholl sandals and last Tuesday's 'Daily Express' and he drones on and on and on about how Mr. Elessar should be running this country and how many languages Gandalf can speak and then he throws up all over the Pipeweed. Elrond Will you be quiet please. Frodo And sending tinted postcards of places they don't know they haven't even visited, 'to all at number 22, weather wonderful, our room is marked with an "X". Wish you were here.' Elrond Shut up. Frodo 'Food very greasy but we have managed to find this marvellous little place hidden away in the back streets.' Elrond Shut up! Frodo 'Where you can even get Biblo’s Old Winyard and cheese and onion...' Elrond Shut up!!! Frodo '...crisps and the accordionist plays "Maybe it's because I'm a Breer"' and spending four days on the boat on the Anduin on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dried Lembas.... Elrond Shut your bloody gob! I've had enough of this, I'm going to ring the police. __________________ There exists a limit to the force even ther most powerful may apply without destroying themselves. Judging this limit is the true artistry of government. Misuse of power is the fatal sin. The law cannot be a tool of vengance, never a hostage, nor a fortification against the martyrs it has created. You cannot threaten any individual and escape the consequences. -Muad'dib on Law The Stilgar Commentary

02-13-2003, 04:32 PM	#63
Coney The Buddy Rabbit Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Trapped in the headlights.. Posts: 3,372	dead happy but dead __________________ Blessed are the cracked, they let the light in Beatallica

02-13-2003, 04:38 PM	#64
Cirdan Elf Lord of the Grey Havens Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: somewhere else Posts: 2,381	They did the hard part for me. __________________ There exists a limit to the force even ther most powerful may apply without destroying themselves. Judging this limit is the true artistry of government. Misuse of power is the fatal sin. The law cannot be a tool of vengance, never a hostage, nor a fortification against the martyrs it has created. You cannot threaten any individual and escape the consequences. -Muad'dib on Law The Stilgar Commentary

02-14-2003, 08:17 AM	#70
Fimbrethil My microwave speaks to me Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Having conversations with my major household appliances. Posts: 937	I haven't had a chance to read all of these so if I'm redoing secenes please tell me. Aragorn and his army are seen lying behind a hill in front of Mordor with Gandalf explaining something. Gandalf:So you see Aragorn we wait till they're all asleep. Then you and I shall jump out taking them completly by surprise! Aragorn:Right! Now who's supposed to jump out? Gandalf:You and I......(relizing his mistake). Suddenly you see a huge badger flying through the air. And it lands on Hama(who has already died several times and come back to life). __________________ Bah, Bah black sheep have oyu any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full! One for the master, one for the dame, one for the little boy who lives down the lane! Bah, bah black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full. I'll be gone for a while. But never fear! "I shall return anon!"

02-14-2003, 08:18 AM	#71
Fimbrethil My microwave speaks to me Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Having conversations with my major household appliances. Posts: 937	I haven't had a chance to read all of these so if I'm redoing secenes please tell me. Aragorn and his army are seen lying behind a hill in front of Mordor with Gandalf explaining something. Gandalf:So you see Aragorn we wait till they're all asleep. Then you and I shall jump out taking them completly by surprise! Aragorn:Right! Now who's supposed to jump out? Gandalf:You and I......(relizing his mistake). Suddenly you see a huge badger flying through the air. And it lands on Hama(who has already died several times and come back to life). Later you see you see Frodo and Sam running from the friece Rabbit!! I thought these were pretty good. __________________ Bah, Bah black sheep have oyu any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full! One for the master, one for the dame, one for the little boy who lives down the lane! Bah, bah black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full. I'll be gone for a while. But never fear! "I shall return anon!"

02-13-2003, 05:04 PM	#65
Dunadan The Quite Querulous Quendi Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Oxon, UK Posts: 638	Those are truly awesome. How about (sorry - it's the opening bit for your last one): THORIN: (knocks on door of Bag End) Good evening. BILBO: Oh good evening. Slightly awkward silence BILBO: Do you want to come upstairs? THORIN: What? BILBO: (with alluring voice) Do you want to come upstairs? THORIN: errr BILBO: (suddenly looks all serious) Oh, have you come about the thief? THORIN: Er, yes, to hire a thief. What's all this about coming upstairs? BILBO: Oh, er, ha ha, nothing. Come in, come in. (shouts) Gandalf!

02-14-2003, 12:40 AM	#68
*azalea* Long lost mooter Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Florida Posts: 3,342	How about a good MP cartoon of Sauron's eye flaming and making a grumbly noise and then a big finger comes out of no where and pokes it? Or a cartoon of the Fellowship entering Moria and facing the Balrog, then the giant foot comes down squash

02-14-2003, 02:07 AM	#69
niobeisme Sapling Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Kansas City, Missouri Posts: 2	If someone wants to take these and run ... Aragorn & Lurtz (as Aragorn is chopping off arm and head--movie)--"It's only a flesh wound ..." from Holy Grail A wraith instead of Death at the party where people died from bad canned salmon (next to last scene in Meaning of Life) Orcs (choose your own scene) --"Can we have your liver, then?" Dead Balrog = Dead Parrot bit. And, I would love for OneRing or someone with talent for song parody to take on the song Eric Idle sings from Meaning of Life when they open the ice box and he's up in space--"Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving ..." Peace!

02-12-2005, 10:42 AM	#73
ItalianLegolas Tolkien-aholic Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: somewhere in the solar system... more specifically NJ... Posts: 712	Orc: We could build a giant, wooden Wolf my Lord! Sauron: SHUT UP!!! WILL YOU SHUT UP!! BLOODY ORC!! __________________ What was lost is now found.

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