They'd never say that! (part 2)

[super-pippin]

I would like to start of by saying hi to me bro Me9996 ... yay!!!!!
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* a thump thump thump comes from the stair way *

Gandalf: will that boy ever be light on his feet?

Pippin:... no... never.... never ever... not in a million years... nuh uh...

Gimli: all elvs are that way!

* Legoles jumps down past the three first steps*

Legoles: hey guys! * coughs* i'm clean shaven again if you know what i mean.

Gandalf: yeah you were awfuly scruffy before wern't ya?

Legoles: you bet.. uh hey.. Gimli?

Gimli: yeah ya old elf?

Legoles: can i borrow your platform shoes?

Gimli: i spose you could eh' then.

Pippin: you never let me borrow them, even when i was going out with that Blackberry farmer's daughter!

Gimli: you arnt an elf.. me love elves!

Gandalf:.... you bet.
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to be continude even though it aint that funny yet.

[me9996]

Might as well do a christmas thingy now...
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(Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are christmas caroling)
The Hobbits: We wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas, we wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year!
Aragorn: Why thank you...
The Hobbits: Now bring us some figgy pudding, now bring us some figgy pudding, now bring us some figgy pudding we'll eat it right here!
Aragorn: I don't have any figgy pudding...
The Hobbits: We won't leave untill we get some, we won't leave untill we'll get some, we won't leave untill we get some so bring it right here!
Aragorn: I have very little pudding and absolutly no figgy!
(Gandalf apears)
Gandalf: You stole that joke from the red green show! That's not very christmasy!
Aragorn: But what is figgy pudding?!?
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[me9996]

More christmas stuff, I know it's in the same day but it's not exactly a long time to christmas...
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First a huge christmas carrol parady...
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(Bilbo is sitting is his hobbit hole late at night, he seems to be eating something)
Bilbo: Ah well, that insadent at the door must have been all my head.
(Enter the ghost of Frodos father - of whom I forget the name...)
Bilbo: AAHHH!
Frodo's dad: Scrooge!!!
Bilbo: What? That's not my name!
Frodo's dad: Well a bunch of christmasy ghostys thing will come by later tonight.
Bilbo: I gotta stop eating pizza before bed...
Frodo's dad: The first at 1 the second at 2-
Bilbo: And the third at 3 I assume?
Frodo's dad: No, he's comeing later at 3:30.
Bilbo: And I'm ment to stay up this late?
Frodo's dad: Uh, yeah...
Bilbo: Night night Mr. Ghost...
(Bilbo falls aleap and starts snoreing...)
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(Now for a quick brake and something funny inbetween the funnys...)
Frodo: Do you have pointy ears?
Legolas: Yes...
Frodo: Then this is for you! The ear rounder 2000! Yes the ear rounder 2000!
Legolas: Is this a comershal? Am I on tv?!? YAY!!!
(And now back to our main feature)
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(The clock is now strikeing 1:00)
Clock: Coo-coo! Coo-coo!
Bilbo: That's funny I've never had a Kucoo clock before...
???: Hello! I am the ghost of christmas past!
Bilbo: What?
Ghost of christmas past: I have come to show you your past!
Bilbo: You know I can remember that myself.
Ghost of christmas past: Quick! Now to fly out the window!
Bilbo: Huh?
Ghost of christmas past: Hold my hand so you don't plummet to your death!
Bilbo: Um, Mr. Past, I only have one floor.
(We see the outside of the hobbit hole which indeed has only one floor)
Ghost of christmas past: Oh, never mind just come on!
(They go flying around pointlessly for a little while... They land in snow)
Bilbo: Where are we?
Ghost of christmas past: Don't you reconise it?
Bilbo: Nope, too dizzy...
Ghost of christmas past: We're at your childhood home...
Bilbo: But I've always lived at bag end...
(We see that it is bag end)
Ghost of christmas past: Oh yeah, not much to see here... Kinda boreing infact.
Bilbo: So why are we here?
Ghost of christmas past: It made more sence on paper... Now to that christmas at the lonely mounten!
(They zoom around and around till they get to the loney mounten)
Ghost of christmas past: Here we are! See that - hey wait a minute! Were are you?
Bilbo: I'm right here.
Ghost of christmas past: I ment the you of the past!
Bilbo: Over in laketown...
Ghost of christmas past: ...
Bilbo: Can I get some sleep before the next ghosty get's here?
Ghost of christmas past: Fine...
(They fly back the ghost of christmas past disapears and Bilbo goes to bed)
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Time for another brake... Beleave it or not I typed "Ghost of christmas past" by hand every time... Well I used a keyboard as with everthing on here but you know what I mean...
(Quick funny)
Frodo: Do you have pointy ears?
Gandalf: No.
Frodo: Then this is for you! The ear rounder 2000! Yes the ear rounder 2000!
Gandalf: That's it!
(Gandalf turns Frodo into a pink fluffy bunny)
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(Back in hobbiton, the clock strikes 2:00)
Clock: Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding.
(13 dings for those who don't want to count)
Bilbo: Time to get a new clock!
Ghost of christmas presant: Hello! I am the ghost of christmas presant!
Bilbo: Do I get a presant?
Ghost of christmas presant: Um...
Bilbo: So what are you going to show me?
Ghost of christmas presant: Well follow me.
(The Ghost of christmas presant leads him to tomarrow at his own hobbit hole)
Bilbo: Hey look! I'm haveing a party! And there's Frodo!
Ghost of christmas presant: Yes... Okay that's about it...
Bilbo: Are you going to give me a presant?
Ghost of christmas presant: NO I'M NOT!!!
(The Ghost of christmas present disapears and Bilbo is back in the right time, Bilbo goes to sleep)
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Again the only copy and paste here is for the dividers like the one above this line.
Fluffy pink bunny: Do you have pointy ears? I know I do...
(Laugh track)
Fluffy pink bunny: That's why I use the ear rounder 2000!
(He trys to use it and gets his ears cought in it)
Fluffy pink bunny: HELP! HELP ME!!! HELP MEEE!!!!
(Fade out)
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(And now back to our movie- er, script, thingy... You know... This thing?)
Bilbo: I wonder what time it is...
(The clock strikes 3:30)
Clock: Year! New happy a and christmas merry a you wish we, chistmas merry ayou wish we, christmas merry a you wish we!
Bilbo: So that's what happens when you play "We wish you a merry christmas" backwords!
(I have no experaice with this myself)
Bilbo: So where is that Ghosty?
(Time passes, the clock strikes 4:00)
Clock: WEE are the knights who say NEE!
Bilbo: Were is he?
(Enter Ghost of christmas future)
Bilbo: You're late, so what pointless thing do you have to show me?
(They travel to the future to a graveyard... Muhahaha)
Bilbo: Oh, do I die in the future?
(The Ghost of christmas future points out a tomestone)
Bilbo: I supose that's mine?
(Bilbo looks close at the gravestone)
Bilbo: Hey, this isn't mine! It belongs to someone named "J.R.R. Tolkien"... Who on midde earth is that?
(Bilbo finds himself in his chair with a half-empty pizza box on his lap)
Bilbo: That was strange...

And Bilbo was as good as his word and better!
He was like a father to tiny Frodo baggens,
and became known as mad baggens.

And as tiny Frodo remarked:
"God bless us, every one"

The End

So that's it. The ultamate christmas "they'd never say that"...

Merry christmas!

[me9996]

Okay, I'm doing my first "They'd never say that!" since I've come back to the board.

Please forgive any misspellings
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(counsel of Elrond)
Elrond: As this is going to take a while I have taken the privlage of ordering Chinese food.
(Doorbell)
Elrond: Ah, here it is.
(Elrond goes to get the food)
Frodo: You know it's a good place if they deliver to middle earth.
Sam: True.
(Elrond comes back with the food)
Elrond: Allright, who wants a wonton?
Gimli: NOOOO!!! STOP THE WONTON CARNAGE!!!
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(Gandalf is standing a field acting scary)
Gandalf: I am Gandalf!!! AND GANDALF MEANS ME!!!
(Thunder and lightning, Enter Frodo and Sam)
Sam: Look mister Frodo! A gizard!
Frodo: I thought it was fizard.
Sam: Or fuzard.
Frodo: OR fuzzle.
Sam: Or truzzle.
Frodo: Or trobble.
Sam: Let's see, wizard to trobble in 1, 2, 3... 6 words!
Frodo: Our best yet!
Sam: Although I'm not shure "Truzzle" is a real word...
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[me9996]

(The hobbits are hideing and that ringwraith starts sniffing around)
Ringwraith: *Sniff sniff* UGH! What is that funky smell?!?
Sam: Sorry! I didn't shower this morning!

[me9996]

Sam: She's a elf!
Frodo: Thank you, Captan Obvious!

[jammi567]

Legolas: he's gorgous.....
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Cloud (from final fantasy vii): ohhh yeah, kick some fu......where the hell am i?
Gandalf: in lord of the rings of course.
Cloud: but i'm not meant to be here. i'm meant to be in a horrible rendered 3-d world with a guy with a gun for an arm!!
Gandalf: okay.....
(there's a small pop and harry potter appears)
harry: okay, these are where the hor....what the hell?
Cloud: according to this old man, we're in lord of the rings.
harry: but i'm not meant to be here. i'm meant to be finding and distroying the horcruxes so i can defeat the most powerful wizard in the world!!

[me9996]

Boramir: So, which way do we go? Legolas?
Legolas: How am I to know? I'm an elf! I just stand around looking pretty!
Boramir: Is that all?
Legolas: And I've lissened to too many blond jokes!
Boramir: Great, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Get-'er-done!!!
Boramir: Riiiiight... Gimli
Gimli: HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!
Boramir: Have you been in the coffie again?
Gimli: Moria Moria Moria!!!
Boramir: Is that your final answer?
Gimli: YES!!!
Boramir: Got'ya. How about you Aragorn?
Aragorn: BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB...
Boramir: They never should'a let you out of the asylum.
(Aragorn puts on glasses, a fake mustash, and a hankerchiff on his head)
Aragorn: I'm the cow who went over the moon!
Boramir: Right, next?
Frodo: I protest the discrimanation of hobbits in this party!
Boramir: So, any of you hobbits got an idea?
Frodo: Urm, no.
Boramir: So, I guess by default we're heading for Moria, any problems with that?
Legolas: No.
Gandalf: No.
Gimli: No.
Aragorn: No.
Hobbits: No.
King Arthur: No.
Boramir: ... 'Kay ... On to Moria!

[me9996]

Everytime I look at my prevous post I get stuck for ideas.
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What everyone is realy saying when they're speaking elvish in the movies:
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(Before the battle of helms deep, translated from elvish)
Legolas: Hey, Aragorn!
Aragorn: Hi leg-less!
Legolas: Don't call me that!
Aragorn(In the comman toung ): Then I shall die as one of them!!!
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Arwen: I like banana splits on my coffie.
Elrond: Why are we talking about this again?
Arwen: Becuase I realy like saying strange things in elvish!
Elrond: You are a crazy little girl! How did I raze such a crazy one?
Arwen(In the comman toung): Of coarce you have my love Ada
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Of chorce this isn't realy what they're saying but I'm makeing funny storys

[me9996]

Smegol: Let's take them to her
Gollum: NO!!! SHE'S TO HORRIBLE!!!
(Later)
Gollum: Now go through the tunnel, nice hobbit
Frodo: Erm, allright... By the way, what happened to Sam?
Smegol: *Wisles*
Frodo: Alight, on I go!
(Frodo goes through the tunnel and comes out to find Gladrail)
Gladrial: Welcome Frodo of the shire... LA LALA LALA!!!
(Gladiel goes skiping around looking lightheaded enough that one might think the she was the base of all the blond jokes you've ever heard)
Frodo: *Gasp!* It's too horrible!!!
(Enter Sam)
Sam: Frodo! Smegol tied me up with that worthless elf rope!
Frodo: Gollum, is this true?
Smegol: No, it isn't... He's a lier!
Gollum: NO! WE DID IT!!! WE DID IT!!!
Sam: Quick Frodo! Give me the ring and rather than a dark lord...
You shall have a bean!
Not dark but spicy and terrable as the dawn!
Merciless as the sea!
All shall eat and dispare!
Frodo: ... You've been in the lambres again, haven't you sam?
Sam: I have not! Well maybe a little...
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[me9996]

(The following are set at Saruman adressing the fighting Uruk-Hai)
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Saruman: A new power is riseing! It's victory is at hand! We will use the beans of power to drive the race of man from middle earth forever!
(We hear much flatulance from the audiance)
Saruman:
(Saruman turns around)
Saruman: Wormtoung! Did you give the Uruk-Hai their beans early?!?
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Saruman: I regret to inform you that the presadent is dead.
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Saruman: I've always had a fear of public speaking *gulp* and hights.
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Saruman: So... Anyone here from out of town?
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Saruman: And don't forget to eat a mint!
(My mom came up with that one)
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Saruman: Now as you all know, I've been reading this book called "Lord of the rings" ...
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Saruman: I will need a volunteer from the audiance for my next trick...
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Saruman: Call me Ishmel!
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Saruman: I would like to address that many of you have been useing the fingerpaints on your armour.
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Saruman: Have any of you have any 2's? ... That's realy strange, nobody has any 2's...
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Saruman(Singing): Let's go fly a kite...
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Saruman: I have desided not to go to war with Rohan...
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Saruman: It's 5:00 and all's well!
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Saruman: In the news today...
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Saruman: ... and a teddy bear holding a large heart-shaped candy box has been found if anyone wishes to claim it...
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[me9996]

Gee, not alot of people posting on this thread
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Uruk-Hai 1: Ah, man-flesh!
Uruk-Hai 2: Something just occured to me...
Uruk-Hai 1: What?
Uruk-Hai 2: Would us eating humans be considered cannibalism?
Uruk-Hai 1: We are fighting Uruk-Hai! Not humans!
Uruk-Hai 2: But as Uruk-Hai we are half human...
Uruk-Hai 1: Then I guess it's only half cannibalism.
Uruk-Hai 2: You can't be halfway a cannibal!
Uruk-Hai 1: Then as it isn't all the way cannibalism it isn't that at all... I didn't expect the spanish inquisition!
(Enter Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli dressed as cardnals)
Aragorn: No one expects the spanish inquisition!
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[super-pippin]

( Legoless puts on Gimli's platform shoes)

Frodo: going on a date tonight?

Legoless: you bet! I've heard she's really pretty!

Gimli: He's going out with my sister! She won best looking beared lady award last year!

Gandalf: ....... that's freaky...

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( Legoles knocks on 12 foot door )

Grechin: ( talks in scruffy/ squeeky voice) Be there in a second Leggy-poo!

Legoless: ( gulp!) ...

Grechin: ( opens big door) Hey Leg-o-lace

Legoless: Gechin ?...

Grechin: You ready to go toots?

Legoless: Sure ...

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Gimli: Howed it go Legonless?

Legoless: I cried when she kissed me .......

Gimli: You cried .....

Legoless: Her beard was really rough dude!!!

Gimli: How dare you talk about my baby sister like that!!!!

Legoless: It was scary!!!!

Gandalf: Oh don't be a wimp! 1000 years ago i went out with a dwarf girl that looked like a fur ball!!!

Legoless: oh my goodness..... I here on out will never go out with a diffrent species again

Ganadalf: You baby!!!! ( hits Legoless with staff)

Legoless: ( cries and runs away) you peoples are evil!!!!

Gimli: At least give me back my platform shoes!!! You're 6'7" with em' on ya elf!!!

And all ended well..... With Legoless stuck on a tree by his pants in a thunder storm... THE END...

[me9996]

I know this has been done before and that I was the one to do it but I think it might be worth telling again...

And while I'm at it I might as well do another few I've done before...
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Lead Nasgul: Do not come between a nasgul and its prey or we will take you to the houses of lamination where you will be covered in a thin layer of plastic which will make you waterproof!
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(Moria pre-orcs)
Dwarves: We tink tink tink tink, tink tink tink we tink- Hey! There are humans in here!
Walt Disney: RUN!!!
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And now, a new one as reruns can be realy annoying
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Tom Bombadill: You know, I think I'll become an undertaker...
Goldberry: Maybe you'll be good at that, what was your last job? I forget.
Tom Bombadill: From now on call be Tome Bombadill!
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[me9996]

Legolas: Introduceing this has made me queasy, I tell you talking shakspearain isn't easy!
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(we come in to see the lead nasgul smacking around a bunch of roherim)
Lead nasgul: No man can kill or hinder me!
(Enter Eowen looking threataning)
Eowen: I am no man!
Legolas: Allright, how is this shakespearain?
me9996: It's like MacBeth, you see MacBeth bugged some whiches untill he was told that no man of woman born could kill him, so fighting those who don't want him to be king he's near invincable untill in comes-
(Everyone but me9996 coves their ears and starts walking off)
Legolas: I'm not lissening! I'm not lissening!
Eowen: Not sticking around for this!
Lead nasgul: La dee da dee da, la dee dee, dee da de la...
me9996: Oh come on!
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[me9996]

Goldberry: I AM GOLD BURRY!!! I LIKE TO BURRY THINGS!!!

[me9996]

(Enter Aragorn with fake elf ears on)
Legolas: Elvish impersonator!
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(At Aragorns coranation dinner)
Aragorn: Wow, this is nice chicken! What's the secret?
Chef: Elvish parsley!
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(Legolas, Gandalf, And Frodo are standing on a stage in an empty theidor)
Legolas: I can't beleave I've been roped into another Shakspear joke!
(Enter Aragorn in a turkey costume)
Gandalf: What is that?!?
Aragorn: You said I was supost to be a king disgised as a phesant!
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Aragorn: Arwen?
Arwen: Yes?
Aragorn: We can't be together.
Arwen: Why not?
Aragon: Your last name is Underpants!
Arwen: What?
Aragorn: I can't merry someone named Underpants!
Arwen: What? Why not?
Aragorn: Well, I don't have a last name, so all the children will have the last name of Underpants!
Arwen: What makes you think my last name is underpants?
Aragorn: Erm, Gandalf told me!
Arwen: Gandalf, did you tell Aragorn my last name was underpants?
Gandalf: No! I didn't say your last name was underpants! I said it was Undomiel!
Aragorn: See? UNDERPANTS!!!
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Sorry if that offended anyone... But realy, the last name of 'underpants'!

And now, for something, compleatly different...

Another, elf, joke.
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Aragorn: Say, Legolas, I heard you were takeing karate lessons.
Legolas: Yes, I want to know it for elf-defence!
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[me9996]

(At the battle of 5 armys)
Thorin Oakenshield: We've got them now dwarves! Those goblins had better run!
Bilbo: Look out Thorin! It's Tome Bombadill and Gold Bury!
Tom(e) Bombadill: We are here to bury the dead!
Gold Berry/Bury: I like to bury things!
Thorin Oakenshield: I'm not dead yet!
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[me9996]

Okay, time to come up with something funny...
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(Inside Orthanc Saruman is playing with little toy dolls)
Saruman(High squeeky voice): And insted of a dark lord you shall have a queen! Not dark but beutiful and ter-
(Enter Gandalf)
Gandalf: Saruman! I come seeking counsel!
(Saruman hides the dolls behind his back)
Gandalf: No Sir, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Saruman: Good, now as to counsel...
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[me9996]

Aragorn: Hey Gandalf! Hey Gandalf! Hey Gandalf! Let's play! Let's play!
Gandalf: Fine... How about we do a story game?
Aragorn: YAY!!!
Gandalf: Once apon a time there was a little happy village... Your turn.
Aragorn: And it was invaded by pink fluffy hamsters!!!
Gandalf:...