War For All Of Middle Earth™!

[Willow Oran]

(Suddenly a barely perceptable shadow envelopes Human like a skin tight cover, Human's eyes go blank and she grabs a knife hurling it at DO. This greatly unexpected action shocks everyone in the room and they freeze, staring at Human in shock. As suddenly as it came the shadow leaves and Human is once again her normal self.)

Human: Huh? Why is everyone staring at me?

Tano: Er... are you feeling all right?

Human: I feel fine. Why?

Nazgul Queen: It's just, I don't think we've ever seen you do that before.

Human: (Now very agitated) DO WHAT?

Katt: THAT! (Points to where DO is slumped up against the wall with the knife in her shoulder.)

Human: Oh...

OOC: Mwahahahahaa!!!!! The evil morbid side of me strikes again! Sorry about the sudden darkness, but we are trying to take over the world here...

[Dolenloteiel]

DO hey!!! *pulls knife out of shoulder* It's made of plastic!! WHEEEEE

Human huh??

DO it's a collapsible plastic knife!!! You should've known that, you stupid tyrant!! You threw it! *throws knife at human. She ducks just in time*

Human I'm the one who employed you!! I can kill you anytime I want. SPOOOON!!!

DO What are you going to do? throw more plastic weapons @ me??

Human Yes!

DO bring it on!!!

NQ ummm, I think we should go conquer the world now.

DO shut up, mutant!

Human SPOOOOOON

Tano HEEEEEEEEY! Let's all shut up, so we can go conquer middle earth!!!

DO ok

Human SPOOOOOON!! *Runs out the door followed by the others*

[Human#3.141592653]

OOC: LOL!

Human I'm the one who employed you!! I can kill you anytime I want. SPOOOON!!!

Too funny!

Human runs out the front door of the lonely mountain.
Human: SPOOOON!!! SPOOONN!!!
*slight pause* *Looks left then right*
Human: Er...
Tano: Conquistar el mundo, remember?
Human: *Whining* yes but...which bit del mundo? Quien sabes?
DO: *evil look in eye* Lorein!
Everyone: OK!

OOC2: There aren't any lands between Dale and Lorien...are there? I've got a map, but I'm too lazy to take a look at it right now.

[Willow Oran]

OOC: Methinks you will meet some resistance if you try to take Lorien. Itroducing yet another person in to this... So far I've got characters on all sides of this conflict, fun.

(Meanwhile back in Imladris the Elves are starting to catch on to the fact that there is something not right.)

Mahtaliel:...And thats the fourth disturbing occurence we've had in the library this week!

Elrohir: What exactly do you mean by disturbing occurence? And who have these things happened to?

Mahtaliel: When ever people try to go into parts of the library they can't... I've found several elves out cold on the floor over by the section with information about the first age. And Others have started dissapearing into the section with histories containing information about the rings of power.

Elladan: Have you tried going back there to investigate?

Mahtaliel: Yes, when I tried Everything went blurry and I got really dizzy and nearly blacked out.

Elrohir: I don't know what we could do about this. It's like nothing I've seen before.

Elladan: Father might recognize it but I haven't seen him for days...

Mahtaliel: Try sending a message to Lorien and see if they've been having similar problems. Even if they haven't your grandparents may be able to advise us on the best course of action. In the mean time I think I shall have to close off the library to everyone.

OOC: Someone come over here and help me out with this side of the story! I can't write it all my self! You can play more than one character you know.

[Dolenloteiel]

(elves in Lorien recieving messages from Imladris)

Collatial : la la la laaaaaa. I love m harp, i love my harp!!! (singing) la la la laaaaa!!!

Vinuil : Umm, Collatial?? sorry to disturb your elvish harping, but we are recieving messages from Imladris.

Collatial : Oh really? la laaaaa (still singing) what is the message, you interrupter of my harpiiiiiiiing????

Vinuil : Has anything been going on in this library?

Collatial : (singing) la laaaaaaaaaa yeees!!! But I didn't want to teeeeel anyoooone!!! la la la laaaaaaaa

Vinuil : Isn't there some sort of an uprising at the lonely mountain??

Collatial : (singing) poooooosssibly!! la la laaaaa Are you done?? la la laaaaaaaaaa

Vinuil : yes. Be on the lookout, ok?

Collatial : Certainly!!! (singing) la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

OCC I luv Collatial!!! lol

[Human#3.141592653]

Human: *to penguin army* What do our spies tell us about the Lorien elves?

Penguin: *tentively raising hand*

Human: Yes? You! Over there!

Penguin #5: T-t-they...are highly desirable?

Human: They are aren't they...Wait! *whining* that's not it!

Penguin #42: They have really long shiney hair?

Human: No! What did the spies tell us?!

Peguin #69: Penguin #3.14 told me that they make excellent tequilla.

Human: The next Penguin to give me a facitous answer will be feed rice til it comes out thier ears!

Penguin: #5: *matter of factly* Penguins don't have ears.

Human: AGH! *bangs head on wall and passes out*

*an hour or so later*

Human: *Coming to* uh...what happened?

Penguin #69: You asked us to come in a tell you what the spies report was on Lorien. When we came in you threaten to feed us rice and then ran and banged your head on the wall.

Human: Really?

Penguin #3.14: Oh, yes.

Human: *feels head* Well, it seems to be the right shape...Ok! What did the spies say?

penguin #5: They say that the elves are getting antsy. But not about the trap you plced, they don't seem to have discovered that yet. I fear that other hands are at work in Lorien...

Human: Hmm...This does not bode well...I must get in contact with The Fairy Cake! *dails up Maggie* Hello? Is this Magdelena? This is Human. I think that we have some problems...yes, it's her...who else would it be?...Maggie...Maggie...how could you let her escape?...that's no excuse!...Well we've got to stop her that's what!

Maggie: Are you going to let me talk or are you just going to yell at me?

[Willow Oran]

Maggie: For goodness sake Eliza. What are you babbleing about? And it's Magdalena not Magdelena. Get it right. Now, what seems to be the problem?

Eliza: You let HER out! How could you? You know what she does to people!

Maggie: Who exactly is her?

Eliza: You know! Your dangerously insane evil alter ego!

Maggie: I have a lot of those. Which dangerously insane evil alter ego?

Eliza: Nadie!

Maggie: Oh... Her. She isn't dangerously insane. She's just an evil sex obsessed demon who wants to kill everyone who gets in her way.

Eliza: How could you allow her to escape? She's loose in the elven cities. I thought you liked Elves!

Maggie: I do, that's why I let Willow and Mahtaliel out at the same time. It's perfectly all right I have everything under control.

Eliza: THERE'S AN EVIL SEX OBSESSED DEMON LOOSE IN LOTHLORIEN! HOW CAN YOU SAY EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL?

Maggie: I promise you, no elves will be harmed. Slightly truamatized perhaps but nothing permenate. Goodbye.

(She hangs up the phone.)

Eliza: Oh fudge. We're dead.

[Human#3.141592653]

Because of cut backs in staffing and production, we won't be seeing the Great Evil army march on Lorien. We will how ever, be seeing the Great Evil Army arriving at Lorien and making a big stink about how they are going to conquor Lorien.
*Pause*
Due to further cut backs in staffing and production, we will not be seeing the Great Evil Army Threaten the Lorien Elves. We will however, being seeing the trap that Human hath laid...

Human: Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

*Human Throws currtan off of a large square object. It turns out to be a cage made of Myrthil open on one side, with Glordifle, bond and shirtless, covered in honey slumps semi-concious. Every single Willow alter ego beginings to drool*

Human: Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

*Every single Willow alter ego rushes into the cage and is trapped by the closing door on teh cage*

Human: Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Thus does the conquest of Lorien begin...

[Willow Oran]

OOC: `Liza darling check your spelling when setting such traps.

(Meanwhile the Maggie Alter egos stand back and watch the Willow alteregos cuddle the sticky mini balrog.)

Willow: Pitiful, did she actually expect us to fall for that?

Mahtaliel: Apparently she didn't realize that we don't have the same tastes as Maggie some of the time. I for one do not see the point of the honey.

Willow: And I don't even have a lust object. Did you take care of the traps in the library?

Mahtaliel: I diverted them like you asked. All the important elf lords and ladies are now in our keeping and safe from peguins and Nadie.

Willow: Let's just sit back and the bird and the demon fight it out then.

[Human#3.141592653]

OOC: Dang it! I didn't account for that! I don't have any good ideas right now, but be assured, I will plot something very nassssty for your Maggie alter egos! Wa ha ha ha ha ha!

[Willow Oran]

OOC: We look forward to avoiding it, all 80+ of us.

[Earniel]

*Meanwhile on a boat hiding near the coast of Lindon, Cirdan called on Eärniel.*

Cirdan: I'm sure you know why I called you here.

Eärniel: Um, if it's about that little incident with um.. your wardrobe, you know I was so certain...

Cirdan: It's not about that .... painful episode. As you might know a bunch of loonies is trying to take over Middle earth.

Eärniel: Is it? Gosh.

Cirdan: *becomes increasingly uncertain whether Eärniel is the right person for this thing* Er. Yes. The elven king of Mirkwood was apparantly injured by an... exploding penguin that said 'mier'. Elrond and Glorfindel have disappeared and somebody poured ink into Galadriel's mirror. I can tell you she was greatly upset about the whole thing. Those stains don't go out very well. Also there are armies of mini nazgûls, rabid squirrels and whatnots all over the place.

Eärniel: What's a whatnot?

Cirdan: Well, it's a .... um never mind! Anyway I'm sending YOU to save us from that. These are desperate times and well... we're desperate enough to send YOU to defend us. It's a chance to a million that you even survive, let alone succeed. But I got Mithrandir to bet heavily so I....er well...

Eärniel: Cool! I am a hero!

Cirdan: *sighs deeply and mutters: we're doomed*

Eärniel: So what do I do?

Cirdan: Fight the invaders of course. Oh and a word of advice: Stay away from libraries. Bad stuff happens in there, I barely made it out of there alive.

Eärniel: Sure, no prob. Where is my army? What do I get? Thousands of well trained elven archers? Infantry? Heavy artillery?

Cirdan: Um.... I'm just a poor shipwright really. All I could muster are three dragons.

Eärniel: *eyes gleaming* Dragons! Cool! Where!

*as on cue three adorable little fledgeling dragons come from behind a curtain*

Eärniel: What? I have to defend Middle earth with THAT?

Cirdan: Yes, but be mindful, they're dangerous, dangerously cute and insensitive to exploding penguins and other nasties. Now off you go. Go to Rivendell, I believe the sons of Elrond could use a little help. I'll be in Tol Eresseä when you need me. *hands Eärniel a mobile phone* Call me when it's safe to return. Bye now! *sails of*

Eärniel: *stands on coast seing ship sail off at high speed* I believe I'm being suckered into this....

[Willow Oran]

(Meanwhile back in the library of Imladris...)

Maggie: Why are the elven rulers of middle earth not in the holding dimension I asked you to put them in?

Willow: Err... Well, I... I thought they were. Mahtaliel told me that she had succesfully captuered them... was I wrong to trust her in this?

Maggie: Yes! Willow, I don't know if you've noticed but Mahtaliel is an elf. She's married to one of our targets did you really think she would help us capture her friends?

Willow: Oops... Well, look on the bright side, at least she managed to keep Nadie from capturing them.

Maggie: We don't know that. And now Cirdan is gone, Galadriel and Celeborn are trapped in lorien with those penguins...

Willow: But we captured Elrond and Glorfindel succesfully. Mahtaliel said they had dissapeared.

Maggie: Dissapeared? But... that's impossible we didn't manage to capture any of our intended targets, I don't know where they are.

( The two plotters turn as they hear evil laughter outside and are in time to see Nadie give them a smug smile and leave.)

Maggie: Nevermind, we do know where they are. Go find Mahtaliel, she may be loyal to the elves but she's still my character. Tell that there is a messanger from the havans who Cirdan suckered into coming and trying to stop all the take over crews. Tell Mahtaliel to get in contact with her and bring her here. We need to form some alliances.

Willow: Yes sir, I mean- Ma'am!

[Human#3.141592653]

The swarm of squirrles, balrogs, mini-balrogs, penguins and other wierdness proves to be too much for the Elves of Lorien; those who do not faint dead away are left gaping and sputtering.

Human observes the conquest with satifaction.

OOC: I can't write any more, I must eat dinner. Rest assured, there was point...some where around here...

[Willow Oran]

The conquest of lorien was going quite well, until they got to Caras Galadhon...

The armie of strange critters were stopped in their tracks by a sight known to render most people into incoherent lumps of quivering flesh. The sight of a very, very angry Lord and Lady of Lothlorien.

Galadriel: What is the meaning of this? Why are you attacking us?

Human: Uh well... Err... Because we felt like it...

Galadriel: Fools! Now you will suffer the- (she is cut off by a flash of light. When everyone can see again Galadriel and Celeborn are gone.)

OOC: Mwahahahahaa!!!!!!!!!!!! What on earth is Nadie up to? Where have G&C gone to? Which side is Maggie on? What are Elrond and Glorfindel suffering through? Will Human ever succeed in capturing my alter-egos? Find out the answers to these and other questions next time on "Taking over Middle Earth!"

[Earniel]

*Somewhere between Mithlond and Rivendell, Eärniel gets aquiented (sp?) with the three dragons assigned to her to free Middle Earth.*

Eärniel: So how did you lot get suckered into this?

Poiple: I dunno, we were just minding our own business, when this elf lord comes up and demands we join some nitwit sea elf to save the world.

Eärniel: I see. *mutters to herself:Nitwit sea elf, my eye. I'm going to get that shipwright for this.* So got any experience in the saving of worlds?

Scaley: No not really.... we were hoping you would.

Eärniel: I see. *mutters to herself: I wonder if I even get paid for this. So just what can you three do?

Entesse: Not much, we're just dangerously cute actually.

Scaley: But we've got some special features which we can't tell you yet but which will prove handy in tight corners.

Eärniel: Why can't you tell me yet?

Entesse: It would ruin the plot and the suspence.

Poiple: Is this Rivendell thing far? My feet start to hurt.

Eärniel: So are mine. You know this would be a lot easier if you just flew me there. You've all got wings for a reason, don't you?

Scaley: We could, you know...

Eärniel: *hopefully* Yes?

Scaley: ....but that would be cheating really. No one ever respects distances in RPG's these days. But we are the good guys so we must. So that's why we are walking miles and miles to get to Rivendell.

Eärniel: *sighs deeply*

[Human#3.141592653]

OOC: Maggie...that was...beautiful. I laughed until I fell out of my chair!

Human: *putting hands on hips* Damnit! And there's 80 of these things running around? Mon Due! Dios Mio! Mien Goh!

Penguin: Is that last one really German, or were you-

Human: No time for linguistics now! *Foams at the mouth* Must...conquor....

Penguin: *to mini-nazgul* I hate when she gets like this...

Several strange hour later...

Human: Glordifle?! Glordifle?! I wanted Glorfindel! The whole thing doesn't work with out Glorfindel!

Penguin: But he looks just like the other one...

Human: I doesn't matter about looks, but about Pherimones. Glorfindel has a different smell than Glordifle. And the alter-eogs can smell the diff. *Wiggles fingers for emphasis*

Penguin:....

Human: Wa ha ha ha ha! This actually works in my favor! With C&G gone, I'm free to pillage to my tiny, megalomanical heart's content! *Hops on Po-go Stick Of Death and rides off*

Human: SPOON! SPOON! WA HA HA HA HA HA! *Boing boing boing boing* SPOON!

Penguin:....

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

*One penguin, Penguin #492, had gotten lost in the Lonely Mountian and had never left with the rest of the troops.*

Penguin#492: Mier. *sniffs* Miiieeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!! *Starts crying* Meep?

*Penguin#492 hears someone playing Tubular Bells down the hallway and waddles tward the sound.*

Penguin#492: *Peeks through door* Mier? Meeple! (OOC: Maggie, Can penguins say MEEBLE?)

*Inside, Saurokatt (sar-ooo-katt), Sauronkatt (sour-on-katt), and Glorfindul's Balrog are sitting (or floating, or firing) around a Vandigraph Generator (Ya know, those things with the light) smoking dooby snacks.*

SK: Hey.

GB: Come Join us little dude.

Penguin#492: *Sits down among them and almost inhales Sauronkatt.* Mice.

SNK: Ya know, it's times like these, when the world is being conquored for us, and we are sitting here smoking pot (and whisps of me) that I really wish I had my phyisical body back.

SK: Hey, I was reading the script, and those guys are just running around after elf lords.

GB: Dude.

Penguin#492: Niezes.

SNK: I know man, but what can we do?

SK: How about go back to our respective kingdoms and just totally ring the good guys in?

SNK: Wait, we're the bad guys?

GB: No shnizzle. Why do you think we are trying to take over Middle Earth?

Penguin#492: Duah!

SNK: Oh right.

SK: So, I'll to Isanguard, Sauronkatt to Mordor, and Balrog, you round up all the mountain goblins, ghouls, and orks.

GB: And Trolls.

SK: Right.

Penguin#492: Missy bissy tehibe yaowla?

SK: I dunno.

GB: Arn't you supposed to be fighting with the other penguins?

Penguin#492: Sneebie.... *sniffs* Argawana sambooie quimana bat!!! *Crys*

SNK: *Gasps*

GB: No way dude!

SK: That' sexual discrimination!

Penguin#492: Hebbie. Anstway, aebow gtmao sklaekl mouwiiiiiii.

SK: Well why didn't you say so! We can use a hypnotist! Go to the Shire and get everyone nicely pleasnt there.

Penguin#492: *picks up bag of pot* Smelta mergustabibble.

GB: *hands last joint to Penguin#492* Here, for the road.

Penguin#492: *smiles* Mier.

SK: Now, lets away. *Snaps fingers and is transported to Isanguard while Sauronkatt is transported to Mordor and Penguin#492 to Bree. Glorfindul's Balrog is left alone.*

GB: *Turns off music and Vandi Gen. Sprays aerosaul all over the room to hide the smell* Fun party; this place is great.

[Willow Oran]

OOC: Thank you Eliza. I'm not entirely sure what you are refering to, but thank you anyway.

(Back in Imladris again Maggie is getting impatient, and when she gets impatient bad, or at least very odd, things happen...)

Maggie: Willow!

Willow, (comes in looking very harried and tired.): What?

Maggie: Can you do one more thing for me before you go to sleep?

Willow: I suppose, what is it?

Maggie: There is a very tired sea elf with three dragons about 10 leagues from here. go and bring them here the same way you brought the Lord and Lady. By the way, have they woken up yet?

Willow: No, they won't wake up for till dawn. Are you sure elfnapping them was a good idea? Human will be able to pillage lorien now.

Maggie: No, she won't. Nadie is in Lorien somewhere with Elrond and Glorfindel as her captives. I want her defeated and the two lords back here where they belong. Human won't be able to enter Lorien until that is accomplished. By that time I will have a retaliation army in order. All is arranged. Now go fetch the sea elf.

Willow: If you say so... (she flies off to give Earniel and the dragons some relief from walking.)

[Earniel]

*Somewhere a little closer to Rivendell, Eärniel and the dragons are still walking and feeling generally tired when Entesse suddenly stands still*

Eärniel: Look, I'm not going to carry you whatever you do. This whole walking thing was your idea in the first place.

Entesse: No, no, it's not that. There's something coming.

Eärniel: *suddenly panicky*Like what? Mier-saying exploding penguins? Mininazgûls? Rabid squirrels?

Entesse: No, I think it's a... fairy?

Eärniel: Only one? Not a whole army of faeries?

Scaley: Nope. It's only one, I can see it now too. It's coming this way.

Eärniel: All right then. Hide! *grabs Entesse and Scaley and jumps into some bushes*

Poiple: Why hide? She might bring us to Rivendell.

Eärniel: Firstly, it's a faery and not a helicopter. Secondly it'll be probably considered cheating. And third and lastly, did you ever wonder why 'faery' is so often misspelled as 'feary'? I can tell you it isn't just a slip of tongue. Now get in here. *pulls Poiple into the bushes as the faery comes closer*