The Elf and the Telepath

Katt_knome_hobbit · 09-24-2003, 07:42 PM

This story is PRETTY INTERESTING and gets a little riskay at times so please don't blame me because it was your choice to read this anyway and I'm not responcible for any children reading this and getting bad ideas so--

*smack*

Let the story begin.

In the cave the telepath put the sack down. The elf wriggled out but it was so dark he couldn’t see how fast the telepath tied him up.

“Now,” she said. “Elrond.” She paused. “Aw ****. You aren’t Elrond are you?”

“No! I most certainly am not!” That was what the elf meant to say. All that came out was “Mmph! Hghphegle!”

“Oh, sorry.” The telepath pulled his gag out. “You really don’t need to ttalk anyway.”

“What do you want with Elrond.”

The telepath thought “Why the hell shouldn’t I tell him about my evil plan to take over Middle Earth with a lethal barrage of mini-Elronds when — oh ****.” She thought **** because by an extraordinary twist of stupidity and fate she projected here thoughts into the elf’s head.

She stared down at the elf’s prone figure, the look of horror still plastered on his face, or hers, she couldn’t really tell.

“Oops. Um, well, I didn’t mean to tell him that.”

“I bet.”

“Hey! I cut the link!”

“Did you? Then why can I still hear your thoughts?”

“I dunno. Crap. We’re stuck.”

“****.”

They stared at each other for a minute before the elf got a look of horror and realization.

“Oh my god!”

“I only thought you were cute!”

“NO YOU DIDN’T!”

“Well, no I didn’t.” The telepath did something of an evil giggle.

“AAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“So if you aren’t Elrond, who are you?”

All the elf could do was whimper.

“Well?”

The elf found his voice. “I,” he paused and looked puzzled. “I don’t know.”

“Whadda mean you don’t know?”

“Well, why can’t you read my mind and find out?”

“I don’t know!”

“Exactly.”

“Right. Well, I can’t just keep calling you elf so I suppose I’ll have to give you a name. I think I’ll call you, Fluffy.”

“Fluffy?!?”

“What would you prefer?”

“An ELVISH name!”

“It is elvish.”

“How many elves have you heard of called Fluffy?”

“How many elves have you heard of being kidnapped, tied up in a cave, and forgetting who they are?”

“Well, none, but no elf has ever met YOU before.”

“And therefore none have been called Fluffy.”

“Yes.”

“Until this particular circumstance.”

“Oh Damnit. Wait! What’s YOUR name?”

“Oh ****.”

“My point exactly.”

“Well fine. I chose your name, you choose mine.”

“Good. Your name is Dilarmae Eldavirimlor Karnistdaenorathpernrae Hilossa Isti Wynathlor Keyinsalir Sorosolnet.”(It translates from elvish to “Damn evil kidnapper who I will kill soon.)

“What the Hell?”

“You don’t like it?”

“NO! How the **** do you pronounce it?”

“Dil-ar-may Elda-vir-imlor Karn-ist-day-norath-pern-ray Hill-osa Is-tee Win-ath-lore Kay-in-sa-leer Sore-sol-net.” Fluffy was speaking so fast it was impossible to catch it anyway.

“AAA! It’s worse that I can hear it in my head!”

Fluffy sniggered and the action died down for a moment.

She got over the name and became bored. “Well, now what?”

“I don’t know about you, but I want some tea,” said the elf named Fluffy.

“TEA?!?”

“Earl Grey if you have it.”

“But! You! Neh! Eh… Yeah. I have some. Be back in a minute.”

Dilarmae Eldavirimlor Karnistdaeno—Damn that’s too long to write! Call her Laurie. Laurie left the room.

Fluffy sighed. “Finally.”

From the other room Laurie’s voice floated out. “I can still hear you!”

(MUAH HA HA!)

Laurie rushed back into the room. “What was that?”

“I dunno,” said Fluffy.

(Hee HEE hee hee.)

“Was that the narrator?”

“Are you sure it wasn’t you, Fluffy?”

“Positive.”

“Than it must be.”

(HA! Ha ha ha ha!)

“Look you!” Laurie looked extremely silly shouting at the cave ceiling. “What are you laughing at?”

(I know what’s gonna happen!)

“Tell us damn you!”

“Yeah! Tell us!” Fluffy had wriggled out of his bonds. “Wait a minute! You’re telepathic! Read her mind!”

“OK.” Laurie stopped. “Oh my god!”

“What is it?” Fluffy was concerned. “Why can’t I read your mind anymore?”

Laurie collapsed into laughter.

Katt_knome_hobbit · 09-24-2003, 07:45 PM

(After Laurie stopped laughing she pounced. Yes, snicker, that’s right. She pounced and proceeded to administer to her… needs using poor Fluffy in the most unmentionable ways.)

“Wait, no I didn’t!”

“Yeah! No she didn’t!”

(Fluffy was so caught up in the heat of the moment that he didn’t care.)

“What are you talking about?!?”

“We’re just standing here!”

(And then she brought out the whip cream and—

For the sake of our readers sanity the rest of this section has been censored. We are sure you can imagine what happened quite well on your own.

Fluffy sighed. “Thank Eru.”

Laurie smiled and said “Yeah, thanks Illuvitar!”

I didn’t stop it from happening, I just censored it.

“Does that mean?”

Uh-huh.

“****.”

(Actually Illuvitar’s being a stodgy old—Ahem, yes, anyway, you’re all mature adults. Screw his censorship.)

“****.”

“I hope you mean that literally elf-boy!”

“Mmph!”

(Because the next passage is NOT censored we ask all of you with weak constitutions to burn the next passage before reading it.)

“I ask you to please get off me!”

“I wonder, will you live up to your name?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh… nothing…”

There was supposed to be narration here. Sadly the narrator is indisposed so let us just say she dived right in. The elf’s reaction was quite… interesting.
“You shouldn’t really do thaaaa…”

“It’s all right.”

“But it’s really not prop-p-p-eh-eh-eh-er.”

“I’m telling you, everything’s fine.”

“Just don’t te-eh-eh-eh-el.”

“Tell who sweetie?”

“My fa-ah-ah-ather.”

“Who’s he sweetie?”

“Elrond.”

“ELROND?!?”

“Yes. I remembered. I’m his son…”

“Whoa, wait. Aren’t you supposed to have a--”

“Fear not brother! I’m here to save you!” The newly arrived elf paused, taking in the table and upset teacups and lack of clothing with wide eyes. “Oh, um… terribly sorry. I had no idea, um, I’ll just leave now.”

But before the poor twin could escape the narrator (the new evil one) got a wonderfully horrible idea. To her horror Laurie found herself saying:

“Care to join us?”

And to his ever lasting trauma he found himself doing so.

BEEP BEEP

“What’s that?” the twins said simultaneously. It would have made an extraordinarily amusing picture if Laurie hadn’t jumped up at the first beep and started ruffling through her clothes.

BEEP BEEP

She pulled out a box and opened it.

“Laurie here, what do you want?”

“We are ready to beam you up,” said the box. “Are you done with your botanical survey yet?”

“Just give me a minute to get my equipment together. Laurie out.” She closed the box. “Sorry guys, gotta run.”

Laurie got dressed and got her stuff. She pulled out the box again, but stopped. “Um, you won’t tell anyone about me?”

“No.” “Of course not.”

“Good.” She touched her stomach. “I’ll tell them I met a Vulcan. Laurie to Centaur, one to beam out.”

Then she beamed the hell out of there.

THE END

Epilogue:

The twins stared at each other before picking up the remains of their clothing and leaving the cave to walk back to Imladris, hoping to sneak in and clean up before their father saw them. Sadly, they could not avoid Glorfindel.

“Where have the two of you been? And why on earth are you covered in whip cream?”

The twins looked down all embarrassed like.

“It’s not our fault!” said Elrohir. “We were kidnapped by a weird telepathic lady and then the three of us were forced to, um, yeah.”

Elladan took over. “It was all the narrator’s fault! She made us do it!”

Glorfindel’s eyes widened in understanding. “I see. You two go clean up. I’m going to go and talk to my wife about corralling here evil side and that minion of hers. None of this is to be mentioned to your father, understood? He’s still upset about the purple dress incident.”

The twins nodded in understanding and nothing more was said.

Epilogue 2:

Nine moths later, in a starship somewhere in space…

“Excuse me dears, but I need to get to sickbay.”

Two hours later…

“Well, that was easy.” Laurie held a newborn baby in her arms. “Anakah. Her name is Anakah.”

The doctor came over, looking puzzled at his scans. “Um, who is her father?”

Laurie looked shocked. “Well! Isn’t that a personal question!”

And nothing more was said.

(By Katt_knome_hobbit and Willow Oran. With some help from Human#3.141592653 and shock tested on The Last Sane Person.)

Tanoliel · 09-25-2003, 11:37 PM

Hah....Katt! I remember that...it was shock tested on me too, as I recall. I think I yelled something obcene at you and kept reading...

Tano

Sheeana · 09-26-2003, 12:34 AM

Very pythonesque.

Willow Oran · 09-26-2003, 02:35 PM

Ah! You posted it!

Just a note: The more risque parts were started by Human, and continued by me, Katt was the one trying to censor them, it's my fault that her attempts at saving the readers sanity didn't work.
As for the shock testing... I wish we had had a camera with us.
I would also like to defend this piece by pointing out that it was written in fits of boredom during our humanities classes. We were not in our right minds when we wrote this.

***Earniel*** · 09-28-2003, 08:31 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Willow Oran
We were not in our right minds when we wrote this.

Since I remember 'The war for all of Middle-earth'-RPG, I wonder whether you lot are ever in your right mind.

Willow Oran · 10-02-2003, 05:38 PM

I'm left handed. I'm always in my right mind.

But yes... the war for all Middle Earth was BAD. I don't know what came over us.

Human and I wrote a short play tht was a spin off on both the War for all Middle earth and TLA I'd post it if she ever bothered to bring me a copy of it...

Human#3.141592653 · 10-24-2003, 08:12 PM

AGH! MY EYES!!! MY VIRGIN EYES!!!

Wait...

The last sane person · 10-24-2003, 08:16 PM

As for the shock test....CURSE YOU KATT!

I knew i made a really spazy face but this is fairly toned down compared to what i read...Still, yech...

**Nurvingiel** · 09-27-2004, 12:11 PM

This story is really funny!

I was browsing old threads and thought it needed a bump.

*douses self in 100L of Mind Bleach* Aaaah... that's better.

Katt_knome_hobbit · 10-04-2004, 07:51 PM

Thank you, from all of us.

I do belive we carry around bottles of mind bleach for just such occasions.

Alas, the story circle has been disbanded, but we are starting it up again over the internet, so look for more!

09-24-2003, 07:42 PM	#1
Katt_knome_hobbit Dead Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: on the floor, under the table, just to your left, your other left Posts: 1,486	The Elf and the Telepath This story is PRETTY INTERESTING and gets a little riskay at times so please don't blame me because it was your choice to read this anyway and I'm not responcible for any children reading this and getting bad ideas so-- smack Let the story begin. In the cave the telepath put the sack down. The elf wriggled out but it was so dark he couldn’t see how fast the telepath tied him up. “Now,” she said. “Elrond.” She paused. “Aw **. You aren’t Elrond are you?” “No! I most certainly am not!” That was what the elf meant to say. All that came out was “Mmph! Hghphegle!” “Oh, sorry.” The telepath pulled his gag out. “You really don’t need to ttalk anyway.” “What do you want with Elrond.” The telepath thought “Why the hell shouldn’t I tell him about my evil plan to take over Middle Earth with a lethal barrage of mini-Elronds when — oh .” She thought because by an extraordinary twist of stupidity and fate she projected here thoughts into the elf’s head. She stared down at the elf’s prone figure, the look of horror still plastered on his face, or hers, she couldn’t really tell. “Oops. Um, well, I didn’t mean to tell him that.” “I bet.” “Hey! I cut the link!” “Did you? Then why can I still hear your thoughts?” “I dunno. Crap. We’re stuck.” “.” They stared at each other for a minute before the elf got a look of horror and realization. “Oh my god!” “I only thought you were cute!” “NO YOU DIDN’T!” “Well, no I didn’t.” The telepath did something of an evil giggle. “AAAAAAAAAAAA!” “So if you aren’t Elrond, who are you?” All the elf could do was whimper. “Well?” The elf found his voice. “I,” he paused and looked puzzled. “I don’t know.” “Whadda mean you don’t know?” “Well, why can’t you read my mind and find out?” “I don’t know!” “Exactly.” “Right. Well, I can’t just keep calling you elf so I suppose I’ll have to give you a name. I think I’ll call you, Fluffy.” “Fluffy?!?” “What would you prefer?” “An ELVISH name!” “It is elvish.” “How many elves have you heard of called Fluffy?” “How many elves have you heard of being kidnapped, tied up in a cave, and forgetting who they are?” “Well, none, but no elf has ever met YOU before.” “And therefore none have been called Fluffy.” “Yes.” “Until this particular circumstance.” “Oh Damnit. Wait! What’s YOUR name?” “Oh .” “My point exactly.” “Well fine. I chose your name, you choose mine.” “Good. Your name is Dilarmae Eldavirimlor Karnistdaenorathpernrae Hilossa Isti Wynathlor Keyinsalir Sorosolnet.”(It translates from elvish to “Damn evil kidnapper who I will kill soon.) “What the Hell?” “You don’t like it?” “NO! How the do you pronounce it?” “Dil-ar-may Elda-vir-imlor Karn-ist-day-norath-pern-ray Hill-osa Is-tee Win-ath-lore Kay-in-sa-leer Sore-sol-net.” Fluffy was speaking so fast it was impossible to catch it anyway. “AAA! It’s worse that I can hear it in my head!” Fluffy sniggered and the action died down for a moment. She got over the name and became bored. “Well, now what?” “I don’t know about you, but I want some tea,” said the elf named Fluffy. “TEA?!?” “Earl Grey if you have it.” “But! You! Neh! Eh… Yeah. I have some. Be back in a minute.” Dilarmae Eldavirimlor Karnistdaeno—Damn that’s too long to write! Call her Laurie. Laurie left the room. Fluffy sighed. “Finally.” From the other room Laurie’s voice floated out. “I can still hear you!” (MUAH HA HA!) Laurie rushed back into the room. “What was that?” “I dunno,” said Fluffy. (Hee HEE hee hee.) “Was that the narrator?” “Are you sure it wasn’t you, Fluffy?” “Positive.” “Than it must be.” (HA! Ha ha ha ha!) “Look you!” Laurie looked extremely silly shouting at the cave ceiling. “What are you laughing at?” (I know what’s gonna happen!) “Tell us damn you!” “Yeah! Tell us!” Fluffy had wriggled out of his bonds. “Wait a minute! You’re telepathic! Read her mind!” “OK.” Laurie stopped. “Oh my god!” “What is it?” Fluffy was concerned. “Why can’t I read your mind anymore?” Laurie collapsed into laughter. __________________ How to Survive the Sillmarillion I thought that Alcohol was just for those with nothing else to do. I thought that drinking just to get drunk was a waste of precious booze. But now I know that there's a time and there's a place where I can choose To walk the fine line between self control and self abuse. "Lacerations make complications, but welts go away in a day."**

09-24-2003, 07:45 PM	#2
Katt_knome_hobbit Dead Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: on the floor, under the table, just to your left, your other left Posts: 1,486	(After Laurie stopped laughing she pounced. Yes, snicker, that’s right. She pounced and proceeded to administer to her… needs using poor Fluffy in the most unmentionable ways.) “Wait, no I didn’t!” “Yeah! No she didn’t!” (Fluffy was so caught up in the heat of the moment that he didn’t care.) “What are you talking about?!?” “We’re just standing here!” (And then she brought out the whip cream and— For the sake of our readers sanity the rest of this section has been censored. We are sure you can imagine what happened quite well on your own. Fluffy sighed. “Thank Eru.” Laurie smiled and said “Yeah, thanks Illuvitar!” I didn’t stop it from happening, I just censored it. “Does that mean?” Uh-huh. “**.” (Actually Illuvitar’s being a stodgy old—Ahem, yes, anyway, you’re all mature adults. Screw his censorship.) “.” “I hope you mean that literally elf-boy!” “Mmph!” (Because the next passage is NOT censored we ask all of you with weak constitutions to burn the next passage before reading it.) “I ask you to please get off me!” “I wonder, will you live up to your name?” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “Oh… nothing…” There was supposed to be narration here. Sadly the narrator is indisposed so let us just say she dived right in. The elf’s reaction was quite… interesting. “You shouldn’t really do thaaaa…” “It’s all right.” “But it’s really not prop-p-p-eh-eh-eh-er.” “I’m telling you, everything’s fine.” “Just don’t te-eh-eh-eh-el.” “Tell who sweetie?” “My fa-ah-ah-ather.” “Who’s he sweetie?” “Elrond.” “ELROND?!?” “Yes. I remembered. I’m his son…” “Whoa, wait. Aren’t you supposed to have a--” “Fear not brother! I’m here to save you!” The newly arrived elf paused, taking in the table and upset teacups and lack of clothing with wide eyes. “Oh, um… terribly sorry. I had no idea, um, I’ll just leave now.” But before the poor twin could escape the narrator (the new evil one) got a wonderfully horrible idea. To her horror Laurie found herself saying: “Care to join us?” And to his ever lasting trauma he found himself doing so. BEEP BEEP “What’s that?” the twins said simultaneously. It would have made an extraordinarily amusing picture if Laurie hadn’t jumped up at the first beep and started ruffling through her clothes. BEEP BEEP She pulled out a box and opened it. “Laurie here, what do you want?” “We are ready to beam you up,” said the box. “Are you done with your botanical survey yet?” “Just give me a minute to get my equipment together. Laurie out.” She closed the box. “Sorry guys, gotta run.” Laurie got dressed and got her stuff. She pulled out the box again, but stopped. “Um, you won’t tell anyone about me?” “No.” “Of course not.” “Good.” She touched her stomach. “I’ll tell them I met a Vulcan. Laurie to Centaur, one to beam out.” Then she beamed the hell out of there. THE END Epilogue: The twins stared at each other before picking up the remains of their clothing and leaving the cave to walk back to Imladris, hoping to sneak in and clean up before their father saw them. Sadly, they could not avoid Glorfindel. “Where have the two of you been? And why on earth are you covered in whip cream?” The twins looked down all embarrassed like. “It’s not our fault!” said Elrohir. “We were kidnapped by a weird telepathic lady and then the three of us were forced to, um, yeah.” Elladan took over. “It was all the narrator’s fault! She made us do it!” Glorfindel’s eyes widened in understanding. “I see. You two go clean up. I’m going to go and talk to my wife about corralling here evil side and that minion of hers. None of this is to be mentioned to your father, understood? He’s still upset about the purple dress incident.” The twins nodded in understanding and nothing more was said. Epilogue 2: Nine moths later, in a starship somewhere in space… “Excuse me dears, but I need to get to sickbay.” Two hours later… “Well, that was easy.” Laurie held a newborn baby in her arms. “Anakah. Her name is Anakah.” The doctor came over, looking puzzled at his scans. “Um, who is her father?” Laurie looked shocked. “Well! Isn’t that a personal question!” And nothing more was said. (By Katt_knome_hobbit and Willow Oran. With some help from Human#3.141592653 and shock tested on The Last Sane Person.) __________________ How to Survive the Sillmarillion I thought that Alcohol was just for those with nothing else to do. I thought that drinking just to get drunk was a waste of precious booze. But now I know that there's a time and there's a place where I can choose To walk the fine line between self control and self abuse. "Lacerations make complications, but welts go away in a day."** Last edited by Katt_knome_hobbit : 09-24-2003 at 07:46 PM.

09-26-2003, 02:35 PM	#5
Willow Oran Deus Ex Machina Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Seattle Posts: 1,951	Ah! You posted it! Just a note: The more risque parts were started by Human, and continued by me, Katt was the one trying to censor them, it's my fault that her attempts at saving the readers sanity didn't work. As for the shock testing... I wish we had had a camera with us. I would also like to defend this piece by pointing out that it was written in fits of boredom during our humanities classes. We were not in our right minds when we wrote this. __________________ "5. Plain Rings with RUNES on the inside. Avoid these like the PLAGUE. -Diana Wynne Jones Tough Guide To FantasyLand ...it's not much of a show if somebody doesn't suffer, and preferably at length. Suffering is beautiful in any case, and so is anguish; but as for loathing, and bitterness... I don't think they belong on the stage at all. - Isabella, I Gelosi

10-02-2003, 05:38 PM	#7
Willow Oran Deus Ex Machina Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Seattle Posts: 1,951	I'm left handed. I'm always in my right mind. But yes... the war for all Middle Earth was BAD. I don't know what came over us. Human and I wrote a short play tht was a spin off on both the War for all Middle earth and TLA I'd post it if she ever bothered to bring me a copy of it... __________________ "5. Plain Rings with RUNES on the inside. Avoid these like the PLAGUE. -Diana Wynne Jones Tough Guide To FantasyLand ...it's not much of a show if somebody doesn't suffer, and preferably at length. Suffering is beautiful in any case, and so is anguish; but as for loathing, and bitterness... I don't think they belong on the stage at all. - Isabella, I Gelosi

10-24-2003, 08:12 PM	#8
Human#3.141592653 Elven Warrior Join Date: May 2002 Location: Truth or Consequences, New Mexico Posts: 292	AGH! MY EYES!!! MY VIRGIN EYES!!! Wait... __________________ You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.

09-25-2003, 11:37 PM	#3
Tanoliel Eccentric Chocolate Crow Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: The Emerald City--Seattle, WA Posts: 1,861	Hah....Katt! I remember that...it was shock tested on me too, as I recall. I think I yelled something obcene at you and kept reading... Tano __________________ Wisdom for Short Attention Spans...Ozy and Millie. It rocks. Food Of The Gods: 3,7-dihydro-3,7-dimethyl-1H-purine-2,6-dione Feed Me.... Another Online Dwelling Place... "All right, I confess. It is my intention to comandeer a ship, pick up a crew in Tortuga, to rape, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out." -Captain Jack Sparrow "The trouble with unknown enemies is that they are so difficult to identify." -Amelia Peabody Emerson "Most people obey the orders of someone who is pointing a gun at their head." -A.P. Emerson

09-26-2003, 12:34 AM	#4
Sheeana Lord of the Pants Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 1,382	Very pythonesque.

10-24-2003, 08:16 PM	#9
The last sane person The Black Númenórean Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 6,773	As for the shock test....CURSE YOU KATT! I knew i made a really spazy face but this is fairly toned down compared to what i read...Still, yech... __________________ Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

10-04-2004, 07:51 PM	#11
Katt_knome_hobbit Dead Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: on the floor, under the table, just to your left, your other left Posts: 1,486	Thank you, from all of us. I do belive we carry around bottles of mind bleach for just such occasions. Alas, the story circle has been disbanded, but we are starting it up again over the internet, so look for more! __________________ How to Survive the Sillmarillion I thought that Alcohol was just for those with nothing else to do. I thought that drinking just to get drunk was a waste of precious booze. But now I know that there's a time and there's a place where I can choose To walk the fine line between self control and self abuse. "Lacerations make complications, but welts go away in a day."