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#1 |
Thief Queen of Entmoot
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: oh, I just wander around, aimlessly...
Posts: 1,060
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Bring It On!!!
This is a thread for anyone who REALLY needs their work to be criticised, ripped completely to shreds, no holes barred. whether it's for school, a contest (like mine
![]() ![]() so, post away; it can be a poem, a short story, whatever. remember: you asked for it! ![]()
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*smooch* Proud Member of the Evil Mooters and upstanding citizen of the Planet Bob! And all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be... My Space! Cynicism is what happens when a person opens their eyes; stops blinking in the sun, and starts wondering "why". Question everything, believe only that which you yourself deem true. Go ahead- Call me cynical. Last edited by Lady Ravyn : 03-29-2004 at 10:56 PM. |
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#2 |
RPG-aholic Psycho
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Final Fantasy
Posts: 733
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Ok, I'm asking for it: I would really like some more feedback on my poem "What If?". Thank you.
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#3 |
Thief Queen of Entmoot
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: oh, I just wander around, aimlessly...
Posts: 1,060
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ok, so i need this poem critiqued before i enter it in a contest. i just want a little extra confidence boost that my work is all it can be and i need your help.
![]() there are 2 of them: Stripped I've gotten to the center of this Tootsie Roll Pop, and I've forgotten how many licks it took to get here. This chocolate-covered cherry is melted and my ice cream just fell in the dirt. I've seen too much living being done by other M&M's, and I don't like the look of that storm on the horizon. I want a blanket to crawl under, and someone to tell me, "It's okay". So give me back my rose-tinted glasses, and pass me the sugar bowl- the world needs to be coated again. ************************************************** ** Permanence I want to plant my thoughts like seeds in April, and watch them grow in other people's minds, the assurance that I'll live on. I want to steep my soul in the writers before me- Tolkien, Dickinson, Frost- brew them into a tea so strong that they issue from my mouth with every word. I want to be as decided as ink, to write always in the confidence of permanent marker.
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*smooch* Proud Member of the Evil Mooters and upstanding citizen of the Planet Bob! And all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be... My Space! Cynicism is what happens when a person opens their eyes; stops blinking in the sun, and starts wondering "why". Question everything, believe only that which you yourself deem true. Go ahead- Call me cynical. |
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#4 |
RPG-aholic Psycho
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Final Fantasy
Posts: 733
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Your poems are...interesting. They're not really my taste, so I'm not the best judge, but...
On the First: It's good. Light-hearted, it gives you laugh, until the last line, which gives the rest of it a more serious air. On the Second: A homage to other authors. It makes you pause and think. You need to go back and re-read it to get the full meaning of the whole poem. Short, concise, and to the point. By the way, my poem "What If?" has it's own thread in this forum.
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#5 |
Thief Queen of Entmoot
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: oh, I just wander around, aimlessly...
Posts: 1,060
|
i read it, and it's pretty good- but it has the potential to be REALLY good. first of all, i'd space out your verses a bit; you have them all bunched together, and it makes it hard to read. it also makes you sound redundant, even though you're not being redundant, it's just the style of the poem. i'd also consider changing the second verse; make it a little different from the first and third verses, that way your audience won't loose interest.
over all, however, i'd say it's a good poem; i like the context it's in, and i like the point of it. ![]()
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*smooch* Proud Member of the Evil Mooters and upstanding citizen of the Planet Bob! And all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be... My Space! Cynicism is what happens when a person opens their eyes; stops blinking in the sun, and starts wondering "why". Question everything, believe only that which you yourself deem true. Go ahead- Call me cynical. |
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#6 |
Lurker
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Lothlórien
Posts: 3,419
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PLEASE critique my only fanfic at http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=431332 .
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There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium... |
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