~A Mystery by hectorberlioz~

[hectorberlioz]

ok, this is what I've been working on...
Its a story about a young studnet who arranges his father's death to inherit his father's wealth. thats not the only reason though; he nevr grew up liking his father, and he hardly ever saw him. his father was a drunk; though not a poor one; for he managed a printing press.
I havent written much of it. and I'll update here when I can.
Enjoy, and please feel free to make suggestions.

This is a story about revenge.
The young student of this account had had a hard life, and it took him a while to actually realize the horrendousness of his crime, which I will relate to you.
Chapter 1 in which I, (the narrator) introduce the Barnall family to you the reader.
He’d hardly ever seen his father, and therefore never took to liking him in the least. And there were reasons aplenty to dislike Mr. Edward Barnall. Mr. Barnall was known for two things in this small village, Shire, in north England. And that was for managing a large and successful printing press, and for crawling out of pubs drunker than drunk.
Of his four children, Edmond was the second, and the most rebellious. He was always troubled or making trouble. And his mother Agnes had quite a trying time with him. When he came of age 17, his parents put him to a boarding school near N____; where he lived until he was into his 22nd year. On the summer of this 22nd birthday, he came home to his birth town to see his siblings, and to stay for Christmas. When Christmastime came around, his father came home drunk for Christmas Eve. The whole of the family (visiting relatives included) were ashamed, but not shocked.
This is where an intense hate for his father was kindled in the heart of young Edmond. The family had stared at him in shame as he limped in, still very drunk. The entire village wondered themselves how this foolish man kept up with a large printing press. But there was also rumor that the slow decline of this press, Barnall & co was not far off. Talk that it would not be long before the press was closed, was spreading like wildfire throughout the village and beyond. It was said that Barnall was not being funded anymore, that he had not sold enough in recent years for the press to stay up.

and as you can see, I still have a lot to develop.

[Nurvingiel]

Your plot sounds really cool Hector! It's great to see you in the Workshop. I'll post more detailed suggestions later, (must... go study...) but I do suggest not posting your story in quote brackets.
Looking forward to your story!
Cheers, Nurv

[hectorberlioz]

well I hate to spoil the biggest part of the plot, so all I'll says is that the father does not get killed.

[Lady Ravyn]

he doesn't? i can't wait to hear who does! (god, that sounded morbid... )

[hectorberlioz]

Lol, yeah it did.
I'm working on the next piece right now.
I'll have it posted by tomorrow.

[Nurvingiel]

Suggested edits (italicized):

The young student of this account had had a hard life, and it took him a while to actually realize the horrendousness of his crime, which I will relate to you.
I love this sentance, but is there another word besides "horrendousness"? I feel that it detracts from the rest of the sentence.

Chapter 1 in which I, (the narrator) introduce the Barnall family to you the reader.
If this is the Chapter title, what about: Chapter 1: In which the Barnall family is introduced. (Both the reader and the narrator are already implied.)

He’d hardly ever seen his father, and therefore never took to liking him in the least.
What about: Growing up, he hardly ever saw his father, and therefore did not like him in the least.

Mr. Barnall was known for two things in this small village, Shire, in north England. And that was for managing a large and successful printing press, and for crawling out of pubs drunker than drunk.
I suggest you start the first sentence with "He" since the last one already ended with "Mr. Barnall". Also, Shire seems like an odd name for a village since it could also refer to a county (I think). In addition, the second sentence would read better if you deleted the first "And" IMO.

And his mother Agnes had quite a trying time with him.
Again, the "And" beginning seems awkward. This device works only in a few situation IMO. (I can't think of any examples though.)

When he came of age 17, his parents put him to a boarding school near N____; where he lived until he was into his 22nd year.
Why was he in school until he was 22?

The entire village wondered themselves how this foolish man kept up with a large printing press.
I suggest this sentence starts a new paragraph.

Talk that it would not be long before the press was closed, was spreading like wildfire throughout the village and beyond.
I think it would read more easily as: Talk was spreading like wildfire, throughout the village and beyond, that it would not be long before the press was closed.

It was said that Barnall was not being funded anymore, that he had not sold enough in recent years for the press to stay up.
What about "keep up" or "turn a profit" instead of "stay up"?

Great introduction Hector! I'm really looking forward to the rest of the story. All my edits are just little things, you have the most important aspects of the story: interesting characters and a creative plot.

Cheers, Nurv

[hectorberlioz]

plot holes, plot holes everywhere!
I'm fixing it up.

[Nurvingiel]

The only plot hole is Edmond being in school until he's 22. You could say that he worked in a different city, remaining out of contact with his family until he was 22 and returned home one Christmas.

(Plot holes plot holes every where, but not a plot to think. <- just kidding, that doesn't apply to you. But I will use it in my next MST somewhere. )

[hectorberlioz]

well, he had to have entered into a university after he finished boarding school, which is something i fixed up in my revising.

[Lady Ravyn]

oh, good, cuz i was going to post something about that meself

[hectorberlioz]

dont be surprised if i dont update here for years...but im working on it.

[Tessar]

Ooooo looks interesting. I can't wait to read it!


Post it! Posty posty

[hectorberlioz]

revised intro. .


I know you'll have complaint about one certain little thing nirv, but i couldnt think up another word...



This is a story about revenge.
The young student of this account had had a hard life, and it took him a while to actually realize the idiocy and atrocity of his crime, which I will relate to you.

Chapter 1 in which the Barnall family is introduced.

Growing up he’d hardly ever seen his father, and therefore never took to liking him in the least. And there were reasons aplenty to dislike Mr. Edward Barnall.
He was known for two things in this small village, N___, in north England. That was for managing a large and successful printing press, and for crawling out of pubs drunker than drunk.
Of his four children, Edmond was the second, and the most rebellious.
He was always troubled or making trouble; His mother Agnes had quite a trying time with him.
When he came of age 12, his parents put him to a boarding school near N____; then when he was old enough, he was accepted into the University of N___ where he lived until he was into his 22nd year.
On the summer of this 22nd birthday, he came home to his birth town to see his siblings, and to stay for Christmas.
When Christmastime came around, his father came home drunk for Christmas Eve. The whole of the family (visiting relatives included) were ashamed, but not shocked.
This is where an intense hate for his father was kindled in the heart of young Edmond.
The family had stared at him in shame as he limped in, still very drunk.
The entire village wondered themselves how this foolish man kept up with a large printing press. But there was also rumor that the slow decline of this press, Barnall & co. Talk that it would not be long before the press was closed, was spreading like wildfire throughout the village and beyond.
It was said that Barnall was not being funded anymore, that he had not sold enough in recent years for the press to turn a profit.~


as far as going farther into the story, I think I'm developing a disease called 'Writers block'.
I'm not sure what it is exactly, but my doctor said it was serious.

[Dreran the Green]

It is. Nigh near incurable Hector, it sounds great so far. I can't wait to hear more of it!!