Rough work

[Azhag_Nuug]

The title says it all. This is work that I have penciled and papered, and made only minor changes on. There are one or two stories, but please critizize and give me some ideas. I hope you enjoy!


My paragraphing isn't very good by the way.

CHAPTER I
A STRANGE MEETING

Owain peered down unto the snow-covered grass. Long had it been, perhaps a day since he had even stopped running in his pursuit. Deep snow was crushed by footprints of Orcs. The trees were cut all around him, and a small fire pit lay in the centre of what was a camp. A small village was once but a few leagues from where he stood, but now only smoke he could see over the hills.
Five long nights had passed since he left Froth, more than one hundred leagues West from the Part Roads, where he now stood. Sharp rocks stood all about him, and mountains it seemed rose above the clouds unto the shining sun, which now shone no more, for a vale of mist and shadow passed over, blocking view more than a few feet up.
For a short period he bent, studying the tracks, trying to see what Road they had taken from the Parting, but he soon found now that both ways did they lead, and a dilemma arose. He sat on a nearby rock and pondered for many minutes, until saying at the end of thinking, 'Alas! that this choice should be mine and no others. Many days of waste I say now, for now all is lost.'
'On one route lies tracks and the other the same, and now I must choose but how I cannot know what is right. North would lead them closer to Aeres Areth, yet that is closer to danger in Aater Adon, and South to the Woody Trail is just as foolish a thing to do. I must sleep this night, for weary now are my feet from walking and mind from thinking.'
And thus he slept, but little could stop him from waking to think. He ate much of his food, for a week with none was unheard of even on journeys. Meat and bread he had in a small sack laden upon his back, and he threw it down and ripped it open to find he did not have enough to feast after a hard work, let alone have a frugal supper. At last, near mid-night hour he slept, and went into a dreamless slumber.

Seyen Emnas* rose the next day on the breast of the mountain chain, barely piercing the black vale that hung over Owain's head as he awoke. 'Dare I say that this hath not happened! I have slept far past I should have! It is far too late, now I must make a decision, and with much haste.' Peering down at the prints he tried to find something to aid him in his choice, but found nothing.
An hour maybe, or two passed as he sat, and yet no decision could he make. Long hours did he waste waiting in thought, but soon he heard, coming from the Road a soft voice, high and great in its sweet sound.

"Home, home, with Golden Trees,
Home, home, we call to thee!
Coming soon around the mountains,
Coming fast, through river fountains!
Sailing, singing, flying fast,
Climbing, jumping, till at last,
Home we see, is where we wish to see,
And be, under leaf and Golden Tree!
To home, our home,
We call to thee!"

"We call to thee!" rang again in the hills. These voices, fair and clear as they were startled and frightened Owain, and his first though was hide, and so he did, running behind some rocks ahead of him. Then peering out he looked to his wonder at a small caravan. Elves. High Elves from Ranad he thought, but what they were here for he wondered.
They stopped in the centre where the fire had been and looked both ways, and then at last, who seemed the leader turned and said, 'rest now, Eldest and Youngest Elves, and all between, for tonight is filled with merriment and song!' 'Huzzah!' came cheers from them. 'Now open the barrels and feast upon sweet bread and red wine, and taste the fruit of victory!' 'Huzzah!' again came but this time they all began to laugh and dance.
One kindled a fire, and tow others opened barrels of wine and ale for all to drink. A large table was placed down , and soon all sat and ate and laughed and spoke in tongues known only in the Eastern Lands. Owain looked at the delicious breads and foods on the large round table and thought, 'they will not miss a loaf of bread. Nor a glass of wine at that matter.'
And so, soon after they rose and began to dance again he snuck from behind the rocks, slowly crawling to the thicket, and further until he lay next to the wheel of a wagon. Then he rose quickly and climbed on top of it, looking at all sorts of breads and meats. So he took two loaves, and one mug of beer sitting on a small bench.
'Now,' rose the leader and said, 'now that we have drank and eaten and sang with merriment, let us bring out our great works of fire, to celebrate!' 'Huzzah!' they all said again. Then two tall Elves climbed into the wagon and began unloading, but quickly, before they hopped on, Owain slipped out of sight and back into the trees, looking at his new supper.
For some time he pondered watching the fire works, but now, with new found strength he stood and marched through the trees, heading North now, the only way possible.
For a league or so he trailed on, trying to keep sight of the road, when in the distance behind him he heard a large commotion, and the sound of swords unsheathing, and arrows firing, and he thought of turning back to help, but soon abandoned the thought, yet no more than a minute later Goblin screams filled the small forest, and he ducked beneath the grass, hoping not to be seen.
'Them Elves sure was good eats eh?' one said to the other, his voice hoarse and deep, almost like an Orc from the mountains.
'Yeah, ain't never tasted somethin' so fresh,' said the other with a high, pitched voice, and a strange breathing, almost as if hard fot ir to. Angered, now, and sensing the presence near him, Owain drew his blade rising up and cut one in the cheek, then thrusting the other through the stomach.
Drawing out his blade, he put the tip at the neck of the other, now lying on the ground. 'You shall pay for what you have done,' and thus he threw his sword up into the air, and brought it down, but something stopped him. Hands. Cold and clamy, yet not those of a Goblin.
'Do not sir. He can do no more harm to anyone,' said the Elf, and Owain looked to find that the same one, the leader stood beside him. ' I am Luthen, son of Urlen, High Elf of Ranad. And you kind man?' he asked.
'I am Owain, son of Bowain, Ranger from Cana. A pleasure to meet such a kind Elf, most take little or no notice of me, and if they do it is more than usual ill.'
'Then let this be your first true Elf friend, yet I have one question. If I may ask?'
'You may certailny.'
'Well Owain, son of Bowain, how is it that a Ranger from Cana, which lies much more than 200 leagues from here, stands at the Part Roads, in Mid-Winter's Eve?'
'Alas, that is a tale that we should not speak of here, for it is neither place nor time, for I fear Goblins still hunt you. We must find cover, and wait until daylight, then we may have much time to talk.'



*Seyen Emnas, is the used phrase for Sun of Life. In my own little world two suns light the sky, Seyen Emnas, and Seyen Umen, Sun of Gods.

I've done a bit more editing, and had to cut some stuff and change it around.

[Nurvingiel]

Welcome to the Moot Azhag_Nuug! Check out the Welcome thread in the General Messages forum if you haven't done so already.

The name "Owain" is Arthurian. You could still use it, but it has connotations for a world other than where your story is set.

Why did you put an asterisk next Seyen Emnas? Are you not sure of the name? I like it anyway.

Is your story set in Middle-earth? If so, where? If not, I suggest giving a brief description of the world.

I appreciate your use of the spell-checker (or maybe you're just good at spelling), and I really like the way you write your sentences. They set the mood well, and they are creative in length and style.

Cheerio, Nurv

[Azhag_Nuug]

Thank you Nurvingiel. I havn't really worked out the names of someof my people or places, but I found Owain to be a suitable name for the character.
No my story is not set in Middle-Earth, though that is where my inspiration to actually write in my free time instead of watch TV came from. I haven't named my world, but once I'm finished drawing out my maps I will start thinking.
Like Middle-Earth though, I have made many thousands of years of history so far. Eventually, if I feel like it I will post them.
The world will slowly unfold as the story continues, (if it continues), so I'm not exactly worried about giving even a brief description of the world.

Thank you again for the comments. I hope to get more.

PS: Read my signatuer. It's serious.

[Nurvingiel]

I'm impressed, you write very well. I didn't read your sig before, and I thought you were 30. *sheepish grin* Just goes to show you can't assume anything on the internet.

Since the story will unfold and explain itself, I'm not worried about a description of your world anymore. It's cool that you've developped a history for your world. I feel doing this helps you avoid plot holes, and gives your story richness.

I have thought about the history of the world for the story I'm writing, Erin the Elf. (Read [i]my sig, it is also serious! )

I'd like to read your history when you post it.

[PippinTook]

wow, thats great for one so young. aw, what am I talking about, I just turned 13, I started my story when I was 12 too. Good luck!
-pip

edit; how old are you, nurv?

[Nurvingiel]

I'm 20. Alas, I was not a genius writer when I was 12, nor am I now that I'm 20!

[Azhag_Nuug]

CHAPTER I, PART 2
A STRANGE MEETING

Thus they ran, climbing rocks, and hiding below the dark trees that whispered among themselves, and soon they found themselves on plains, open and green, with no dark vale to cover them. They spread many leagues out North, were Aeres Areth lay, the great Peaks of Stone, standing far and as if but a hill in the distance. Long ago, it was said that great mines were once made, and that Dwarves and Men worked together together to forge cities beneath the rocks, and now none but the Eldest know of the deep chasms, for long ago the way into the mines collapsed, and all within were lost. All left now was the City of Aater Adon, the Abandoned Citadel, as it were. Still though many lived in it, but the once great halls were in shambles since the Breaking of The World.
South from them now lay the early startings of the Elfelen, the River of the East. It flowed across and through Amaen, now more than one hundred leagues behind them, and to Tu'un, Tower of Black Stone that rose over one thousand feet. beyond the clouds as it were. Next to it, the forest of Atheleal, Elven home, and at the Western edge the beginning of the Elfelen, which grows near halk a league long, and there it flows south and grows more until at least a league from one side to the other it stretches. Thus it flows far and takes a curve into Ranad, Kingdom of the High Elves, yet though so fair and powerful little of the great forest, which used to stretch and connect to Glorel Wood now remained.
Long did they run, over the green plains, leaving all behind them, and at last, they stopped as the sun rose on the horizon, making the fields glow with life. Now all creatures, bird and rabbit and deer and others walked about, but not nearing the two tired and worn travellers.'Rest now my weary feet, for you have worked hard and served me well,' said Owain, sitting on a small boulder. ' Drawing a small loaf of bread which he had stolen from the Elves, he broke it apart, tearing into it.
'Behold,' said Luthen, pointing now to the sun. Seyen Umen, the Light of the Morning Sky shone now high above them. 'This is indeed a dark omen, for in these days only Emnas should shine.'
'The world has changed Elf friend, and indeed much of which once known in this land is lost.'
'Has so much truly happened since I have left? Nay I cannot say to myself, but I must ask the Lord, for he is wise, and knows all that happens in this wide world. Now my friend, when the sun rises on another day, we shall make haste to Arna, for there dwells my people.'
'Nay, sir I cannot follow you, for my friends are in dire need, and I must be at they're rescue. I would follow you as far as you would wish had I not this task,' said Owain, trying to believe he could really save them.
'Then my Lord will wait, for you kind Ranger have aided me, and any friend of yours is a friend of mine,' he said, standing now, proud and true. 'My loyalty and debt is yours.'
'What debt do you owe me? I did nothing but kill a goblin. If anything I am in debt to you for the bread and ale I stole from your wagon.'
'So that is where they went,' he muttered beneath his breath. 'Anywho you are friend as I have said-' he was cut off by a deep booming sound. The two spun and looked back at the rocks and trees from where it came. They slowly moved, silently, trying not to be heard or seen by some darkness they now felt.
'Wait, let us flee now, for perhaps some unseen danger may lurk ahead,' said Owain cautiously.
'Or perhaps a group of friends in danger,' replied Luthen.
Owain peered over his shoulder, looking back at him, and a grim mood struck his face, but in his mind hope kindled, and a fire of loyalty to his comrades burned in his heart and he gained the courage to rise up and say 'then we shall see.'

An hour passed maybe as they crept slowly, and in no real hurry to find what lurked in the caves and hills and mountains of the World. Soon they saw lights, glowing and ominous before them. Torches, and many of them burned, and the sound of many feet marched and shook the ground, and the same drum they had heard boomed in the silent air.
The marching grew louder now, and many more drums began beating in the distance, but not coming from ahead, instead from the South and North, not as booming, but faster. War drums. Beating drums in the dark.
'Let us now be gone from this place, for battle comes!' warned Owain, but neither moved, standing in the middle of an open field with war nigh upon them. 'Let us flee!' With that he struck Luthen across the head, dropping him to the cold ground. 'I had hoped I would not need to do this,' and with that he raised his fallen friend over his shoulder, and trudged on East, hoping to escape before battle insiued.

Less than a day had passed, and far behind the two heroes war soon raged. Swords were unsheathed, and their shields were broken, and arrows fired in the fray. Many broken blades brought death to even the strongest chain and metal mails, shattering bones with hammers thrust down.

"Though death be nigh,
And we may die,
We march to war,
We march to war!
We march to war upon death's door!"

Men cried, flying to death and battle, glory and honour they hoped for, and naught did they get, for to few were they, and to many were the Orcs, marching in the thousands. Elves though, there were, and many at that, fighting with arrows and Mithril blades. All this and nothingmore did they seee, as soon the two passed over a high hill, and finally, from the weight Owain fell, and they rolled.
Blackness swept over them, and they remembered nothing more.

[Azhag_Nuug]

I have changed this chapter so forget what you read before in this post.

CHAPTER II
NOT QUITE HOME

The days grew darker as the New Year grew nigh on the low hills, and flat plains of Nerland. Now less than a fortnight was left until the night would fall and 1232 began. Of course many inquisitive and eager young children, and even some older tried to judge the weather of New Day (as they called New Year's Day),
but they make no idea of it, for black clouds filled the sky, blocking the beautiful sun high above the sky.
High hopes sank as now two days passed and still clouds covered, with rain spouting from them, drenching the little homes jutting from the hills. Trees waved in the Mid-Winter's breeze, and the tall grass, now not to be cut wavered and swayed. The gardens now were left untended, and pets left outside to cleanse themselves, and crops were left unpicked, when the rain came.
A small debate began in the small pub, but no real fight was there, only a small debate of borders and such, but now a great crowd of many, young and old crowded about them, listening intently.
'Another round for the thirsty folk!' yelled Asa to the barman, looking for aid in his debate.
'It's no buisness of yours what happens in other places beyond the borders of home, so much as it's nothing to do with us I says,' spoke Farmer Freder, a kind old man, but as sharp as a hammer in a shed. 'No need to go wanderin out no where where there be Men and Elves, and beasts of sort. Don't go lookin for strangers, and no strangers will be comin to you!' A cheer came from the crowd sitting around the table.
'No matter, as they come to us, using our roads and such, livin in our inns, and drinking our ale, so much as we should go and eat and dring from their pantries and kitchens says I!' Another cheer, but more supportive this time, and many hoots from listeners at other tables.
'No matter says you, and no matter says I. If we welcome them into our homes, we'd best suspect them to take somethin or another.' This time nothing came, and it seemed Asa had won the arguement.
'Well I'd best be going off to home now. Ain't no point in arguing more,' he said, and rose from the table, taking a last chug from his mug.
'Now sit down ye little bugger! Ain't no one walkin from this table!' he yelled and jumped from his seat.
'Now old manI ain't, and I'm saying this twice to you I ain't going to have any more troubles or arguments with you or no one else.' And with that he turned and left.'

This is becoming less fun now, so I'm going to wait until I have the whole Chapter down on my computer. Until then.

[Azhag_Nuug]

woops, double posted

[Nurvingiel]

I have a few suggestions. (In order.)

Open and green, with no dark vale to cover them.

This is a sentence fragment.

Now all creature, bird and rabbit and deer and others walked about, but not nearing the two tired and worn travellers.

Should be ‘creatures’.

Drawing a small loaf of bread which he had stolen from the Elves, he broke it apart, tearing into it.

This sentence is slightly awkward. Might I suggest something like, “He brought out a small loaf of bread which he had stolen from the Elves, broke it apart, and tore into it.”
That way, the verbs “broke” and “tore” are in the same tense. Plus, you don’t really draw bread, though that is a creative use of the word and not necessarily wrong.

'The world has changed Elf friend, and indeed much of which once know is lost.'

I think it should be, 'The world has changed Elf friend, and indeed much of what once was known is lost.'

'Nay, sir I cannot follow you, for my friends are in dire need, and I must be at they're rescue.

Common mistake: you want “their” (their rescue. The rescue belongs to them.)

'Then my Lord will wait, fou you kind Ranger have aided me, and any friend of yours is a friend of mine,' he said, standing now, proud and true.

'Then my Lord will wait, for you are a kind Ranger and have aided me, and any friend of yours is a friend of mine,' he said, standing now, proud and true.

Anywho you are friend as I have said-' he was cut off by a deep booming sound.

Anyhow.

They slowly moved, silently, trying not to be heard or seen by some darkness they now felt.

What about: They moved slowly and silently, trying not to be heard or seen by some darkness they now felt.

I continue to enjoy your excellent story. By the way, if you ever double post, (happens all the time) you can edit the second one to say only "Oops double post." Then at least the post only appears once.