Poem- A happy poem! Yes! A non-angst writing!

***Tessar*** · 10-07-2003, 01:53 AM

Ok, ok, a little over dramatic, but I just thought I would post an example of the fact that I’m not a total angst/pain mongrel! Enjoy!

Star

A sparkling star up in the sky,
Oh look at how it winks and shines,
Dancing ‘cross the Milky Way,
Like the setting sun on a foamy bay.

Glittering like a diamond there,
A silver dot in raven-black hair,
I reach to grasp it but I see,
That it is too far over me!

So up there it shall always stay,
And I shall await it day after day,
With a gladdened heart and lighter soul,
A treasure that no man can hold.

***IronParrot*** · 10-07-2003, 02:45 AM

I like it! Some much-needed lightness in this forum.

The first line just rolls off the tongue and skips away. "A sparkling star up in the sky" - good use of alliterative word choice.

"Like the setting sun on a foamy bay" and "A silver dot in raven-black hair" are a bit off-metre, I think... this is a concern since this is the kind of poem that is really tempting to read aloud.

"Glittering like a diamond there" - "glitt'ring" perhaps? You already have "dancing 'cross the Milky Way" to make the metre meet ends. Same with "And I shall await it day by day" - "And I'll await"? "And I shall 'wait"? Just some ideas.

"With a gladdened heart" could probably be just "With gladdened heart".

You can tell I'm really niggling here about metrical details, and that's because all the surface-level stuff is golden as it is.

***Tessar*** · 10-07-2003, 02:28 PM

Good stuff IP! I didn't even notice those problems till you pointed them out. Redid it a bit, so lets see what you think of it now!

Star

A sparkling star up in the sky,
Oh look at how it winks and shines,
Dancing ‘cross the Milky Way,
Like a child who is at play.

Glitt'ring like a diamond there,
Its silver light so pale and fair,
I reach to grasp it but I see,
That it is too far over me!

So up there it shall always stay,
And I'll await it every day,
With gladdened heart and lighter soul,
A treasure that no man may hold.

I noticed that 'And I'll await it every day' still doesn't feel right and I stumble over it every time I try to read the darn thing. Is it just because I tried to change it before or is it still odd to you?

Arat-Falathion · 10-12-2003, 03:21 AM

Nice poem Tess.

I think it is the "will" ending on the "I" that makes trouble for you in that sentance. "And I await it every day", but I think it works with the "I'll" anyway.

"That it is too far over me!" The "it is" is kind of stopping the flow in this sentance. "it's" would flow better to my tongue.

Well written and short poem this

Fimbrethil · 10-12-2003, 06:30 PM

Maybe I'm reading it with a different word pattern but it is sounds fine to me. And the 4th line I liked better in the first poem. But ti's still very good!

10-07-2003, 01:53 AM	#1
*Tessar* Master and Wielder of the Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ Posts: 6,433	Poem- A happy poem! Yes! A non-angst writing! Ok, ok, a little over dramatic, but I just thought I would post an example of the fact that I’m not a total angst/pain mongrel! Enjoy! Star A sparkling star up in the sky, Oh look at how it winks and shines, Dancing ‘cross the Milky Way, Like the setting sun on a foamy bay. Glittering like a diamond there, A silver dot in raven-black hair, I reach to grasp it but I see, That it is too far over me! So up there it shall always stay, And I shall await it day after day, With a gladdened heart and lighter soul, A treasure that no man can hold.

10-07-2003, 02:45 AM	#2
*IronParrot* Fowl Administrator Join Date: Dec 1999 Location: Calgary or Edmonton, Canada Posts: 53,420	I like it! Some much-needed lightness in this forum. The first line just rolls off the tongue and skips away. "A sparkling star up in the sky" - good use of alliterative word choice. "Like the setting sun on a foamy bay" and "A silver dot in raven-black hair" are a bit off-metre, I think... this is a concern since this is the kind of poem that is really tempting to read aloud. "Glittering like a diamond there" - "glitt'ring" perhaps? You already have "dancing 'cross the Milky Way" to make the metre meet ends. Same with "And I shall await it day by day" - "And I'll await"? "And I shall 'wait"? Just some ideas. "With a gladdened heart" could probably be just "With gladdened heart". You can tell I'm really niggling here about metrical details, and that's because all the surface-level stuff is golden as it is. __________________ All of IronParrot's posts are guaranteed to be 100% intelligent and/or sarcastic, comprising no genetically modified content and tested on no cute furry little animals unless the SPCA is looking elsewhere. If you observe a failure to uphold this warranty, please contact a forum administrator immediately to receive a full refund on your Entmoot registration. Blog: Nick's Café Canadien

10-07-2003, 02:28 PM	#3
*Tessar* Master and Wielder of the Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ Posts: 6,433	Good stuff IP! I didn't even notice those problems till you pointed them out. Redid it a bit, so lets see what you think of it now! Star A sparkling star up in the sky, Oh look at how it winks and shines, Dancing ‘cross the Milky Way, Like a child who is at play. Glitt'ring like a diamond there, Its silver light so pale and fair, I reach to grasp it but I see, That it is too far over me! So up there it shall always stay, And I'll await it every day, With gladdened heart and lighter soul, A treasure that no man may hold. I noticed that 'And I'll await it every day' still doesn't feel right and I stumble over it every time I try to read the darn thing. Is it just because I tried to change it before or is it still odd to you? Last edited by Tessar : 10-07-2003 at 02:31 PM.

10-12-2003, 03:21 AM	#4
Arat-Falathion A'mael Dalharen Eldarele Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Norway Posts: 707	Nice poem Tess. I think it is the "will" ending on the "I" that makes trouble for you in that sentance. "And I await it every day", but I think it works with the "I'll" anyway. "That it is too far over me!" The "it is" is kind of stopping the flow in this sentance. "it's" would flow better to my tongue. Well written and short poem this __________________ Atharon, where heroes are born. A constantly evolving forum rpg created by Lief Erikson, Falathion and its players.

10-12-2003, 06:30 PM	#5
Fimbrethil My microwave speaks to me Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Having conversations with my major household appliances. Posts: 937	Maybe I'm reading it with a different word pattern but it is sounds fine to me. And the 4th line I liked better in the first poem. But ti's still very good! __________________ Bah, Bah black sheep have oyu any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full! One for the master, one for the dame, one for the little boy who lives down the lane! Bah, bah black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full. I'll be gone for a while. But never fear! "I shall return anon!"

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