Jackson "Lord of the Rings"-es New Film Based on The Bible

bropous · 12-05-2003, 12:33 AM

Move forward in time.

Jackson is on the set of his new film, "The Bible".

Sweating in a dank tent in which hangs a heavy atmosphere of halitosis, days-old sweat, smelly fungal-tinged feet and never-ending choruses of buzzard-stunning flatulence, Jackson broods away, heaving gulping breaths of reeking stench into his corpulent, hygenically-challenged form, belching back his lunch and hunching over a grease-splattered word processor. His day's mission: Re-writes!!!

The Bible? He scoffs. Who could understand all of that claptrap? All those characters? All that stuff going on at once, clear-cut good-and-evil, the struggle for humanity, it has to go! Complexity? Modern audiences don't want complexity! I am a fan, making a movie for fans! All must be changed!!

Jackson has a movie audience to please, who cares if the source material is perfect as is? It has to be beefed up and modernized! Starting with the the whole "Jesus" thingy, his pudgy fingers strike the keys as he begins "punching up" the love affair between Mary Magdalene and Jesus, adding the romance to the story he found sadly missing from the original source material.

Wait, we need to appeal to the early-teen girls....Jackson adds Jesus' baby sister, Jesetta, who rides the countryside clearing moneychangers from temples and presiding over "civil union" ceremonies for up to seven people of indeterminate sex. Gotta make that connection with modern audiences!

The crucifixion, no, that would be too draggy, it is replaced with an epic battle between Jesus, with fire flying from his fingertips, smashing cohort after cohort of ranked Roman legions. Then, Jesus descends into Hell and battles Satan himself in a grudge match.

The boring backstory of Genesis is shortened; Noah now is first of men, and he builds the Ark just as he is being driven from the Garden of Eden, accompanied in Jackson's script by Elijah and Ezekiel (to save time and compress characters and speed the development of the obviously staid and slow original story). Save all the animals two-by-two? Naaawww!! Fifteen pairs of animals are put in a skiff as an "homage" to the original story. another bone to toss to the "purist" fans! That'll shush 'em!

The Covenant with the Hebrews, oh gosh, too slow, too slow. God comes down and buys land in Israel proper and RENTS to the Israelis. Much better, modernized, and more believable for audiences. Also helps with the over-30 demographic.

Finally, in a controversial move, Armageddon is eliminated from the script as being "too mystical, too hard for audiences to understand" and Jesus simply returns to Earth after two thousand years, sits down before the fire, draws little Elanor into his lap, and says, "well, I'm home!". All nice and tidy. Can;t have the audience think the story is over and add another twist at the end! What, do people think he's spielberg or something? The end means the end!

Unjustified changes? Gee, you must be a biblical purist!!!!! Don't complain about Jackson's barely recognizable film, by golly, look at all the Bible t-shirts, coffee mugs and role-playing card games selling like hotcakes! That alone shows Jackson is greater than God and knew far more about the bible than the bozos who originally cranked out the story. What the heck did THEY know, anyways? All they were doing was creating a civilization. Jackson, by gum, made a FILM!!!!

evil jedi hobbit · 12-06-2003, 12:00 AM

I think that is a very good comparison. I dislike a lot of things that PJ did in LotR movies, and that discription does describe how I feel on many of his changes. I may take the Bible more seriously than LotR, and I would be offended if that was how a movie the Bible was done. You can barely tell that you're talking about the same thing.

Gwaimir Windgem · 12-06-2003, 05:35 AM

Comic genius, bropous.

And an excellent comparison too.

Ruinel · 12-06-2003, 05:52 PM

OH, DAMN!!! ROFLMAO! That is too funny! I can't believe it took me this long to get to this thread! Bropous, you have me in stitches here! BWHAHAHAAAA!!!! I love your story.

**Nurvingiel** · 12-06-2003, 06:04 PM

Great story Bropus!

It was well-written and absolutely hilarious! A great comfort for us Book P- er... Book Continuity Lovers.

Falagar · 12-06-2003, 06:21 PM

But if it was a good film, with great acting (Brad Pit as Jesus, Depp as Noah!), great effects, some good battles and even one or two touchy scenes?

Ruinel · 12-06-2003, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Falagar

But if it was a good film, with great acting (Brad Pit as Jesus, Depp as Noah!), great effects, some good battles and even one or two touchy scenes?

no no no... certainly Johnny Depp would have to play Jesus. He has better looking hair and features. Then there would be Depp fangirls too.

They could market Jesus action figures, poised with a bolt of lightning in his fist.

Falagar · 12-06-2003, 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ruinel
no no no... certainly Johnny Depp would have to play Jesus. He has better looking hair and features. Then there would be Depp fangirls too. They could market Jesus action figures, poised with a bolt of lightning in his fist.

Seen Sleepy Hollow? That's how I imagined he could play Noah. Looked upon by the other villagers as crazy. But you're right, he would make an excellent Jesus as well.

Artanis · 12-07-2003, 05:20 AM

Don't mess with Johnny Fëanáro Depp.

12-05-2003, 12:33 AM	#1
bropous EIDRIORCQWSDAKLMED DCWWTIWOATTOPWFIO Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Littleton, CO Posts: 1,176	Jackson "Lord of the Rings"-es New Film Based on The Bible Move forward in time. Jackson is on the set of his new film, "The Bible". Sweating in a dank tent in which hangs a heavy atmosphere of halitosis, days-old sweat, smelly fungal-tinged feet and never-ending choruses of buzzard-stunning flatulence, Jackson broods away, heaving gulping breaths of reeking stench into his corpulent, hygenically-challenged form, belching back his lunch and hunching over a grease-splattered word processor. His day's mission: Re-writes!!! The Bible? He scoffs. Who could understand all of that claptrap? All those characters? All that stuff going on at once, clear-cut good-and-evil, the struggle for humanity, it has to go! Complexity? Modern audiences don't want complexity! I am a fan, making a movie for fans! All must be changed!! Jackson has a movie audience to please, who cares if the source material is perfect as is? It has to be beefed up and modernized! Starting with the the whole "Jesus" thingy, his pudgy fingers strike the keys as he begins "punching up" the love affair between Mary Magdalene and Jesus, adding the romance to the story he found sadly missing from the original source material. Wait, we need to appeal to the early-teen girls....Jackson adds Jesus' baby sister, Jesetta, who rides the countryside clearing moneychangers from temples and presiding over "civil union" ceremonies for up to seven people of indeterminate sex. Gotta make that connection with modern audiences! The crucifixion, no, that would be too draggy, it is replaced with an epic battle between Jesus, with fire flying from his fingertips, smashing cohort after cohort of ranked Roman legions. Then, Jesus descends into Hell and battles Satan himself in a grudge match. The boring backstory of Genesis is shortened; Noah now is first of men, and he builds the Ark just as he is being driven from the Garden of Eden, accompanied in Jackson's script by Elijah and Ezekiel (to save time and compress characters and speed the development of the obviously staid and slow original story). Save all the animals two-by-two? Naaawww!! Fifteen pairs of animals are put in a skiff as an "homage" to the original story. another bone to toss to the "purist" fans! That'll shush 'em! The Covenant with the Hebrews, oh gosh, too slow, too slow. God comes down and buys land in Israel proper and RENTS to the Israelis. Much better, modernized, and more believable for audiences. Also helps with the over-30 demographic. Finally, in a controversial move, Armageddon is eliminated from the script as being "too mystical, too hard for audiences to understand" and Jesus simply returns to Earth after two thousand years, sits down before the fire, draws little Elanor into his lap, and says, "well, I'm home!". All nice and tidy. Can;t have the audience think the story is over and add another twist at the end! What, do people think he's spielberg or something? The end means the end! Unjustified changes? Gee, you must be a biblical purist!!!!! Don't complain about Jackson's barely recognizable film, by golly, look at all the Bible t-shirts, coffee mugs and role-playing card games selling like hotcakes! That alone shows Jackson is greater than God and knew far more about the bible than the bozos who originally cranked out the story. What the heck did THEY know, anyways? All they were doing was creating a civilization. Jackson, by gum, made a FILM!!!! __________________ "...[The Lord of the Rings] is to exemplify most clearly a recurrent theme: the place in 'world politics' of the unforeseen and unforeseeable acts of will, and deeds of virtue of the apparently small, ungreat, fogotten in the places of the Wise and Great (good as well as evil). A moral of the whole (after the primary symbolism of the Ring, as the will to mere power, seeking to make itself objective by physical force and mechanism, and so also inevitably by lies) is the obvious one that without the high and noble the simple and vulgar is utterly mean; and without the simple and ordinary the noble and heroic is meaningless." Letters of JRR Tolkien, page 160. Last edited by bropous : 12-05-2003 at 12:45 AM.

12-06-2003, 05:35 AM	#3
Gwaimir Windgem Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, CA Posts: 10,820	Comic genius, bropous. And an excellent comparison too. __________________ Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle

12-06-2003, 06:21 PM	#6
Falagar Death of Mooters and [Entmoot] Internal Affairs Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Oslo, Norway Posts: 2,870	But if it was a good film, with great acting (Brad Pit as Jesus, Depp as Noah!), great effects, some good battles and even one or two touchy scenes? __________________ Fëanor - Innocence incarnated Still, Aikanáro 'till the Last battle.

12-07-2003, 05:20 AM	#9
Artanis Greatest Elven woman of Aman Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Having way too much fun with Fëanor's 7 Posts: 4,285	Don't mess with Johnny Fëanáro Depp. __________________ --Life is hard, and then we die.

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12-06-2003, 12:00 AM	#2
evil jedi hobbit Sapling Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: I'll admit it.... Utah, USA Posts: 2	I think that is a very good comparison. I dislike a lot of things that PJ did in LotR movies, and that discription does describe how I feel on many of his changes. I may take the Bible more seriously than LotR, and I would be offended if that was how a movie the Bible was done. You can barely tell that you're talking about the same thing.

12-06-2003, 05:52 PM	#4
Ruinel Banned Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I have no idea. Posts: 5,441	OH, DAMN!!! ROFLMAO! That is too funny! I can't believe it took me this long to get to this thread! Bropous, you have me in stitches here! BWHAHAHAAAA!!!! I love your story.