Violence between siblings

[The Wizard from Milan]

I am posting a link to this NYT article on violence between siblings.

I was recently bring up the topic of how the traditional family bound by the holy marriage of the prents is not always that heavenly situation is it said to be.

I have also to say that the article does not really go to the heart of my point because the article talks about intentional violence. I am even more concerned about the widespread, pervasive (but hidden) violence that well-meaning parents do to their children.

[The last sane person]

Violence tween siblings?! Me and my brothers take the cake in that arena! Whew....Some of the moves we bust on eachother would kill lesser built creatures. Or me. SOme pretty close calls thought.

[Farimir Captain of Gondor]

I have both a younger sister and younger brother and we fight constantly. Though i have never hit my sister i have brought her to tears just by words. My brother on the other hand, we have been in many fist fights but 10 mins after its over we're best friends again. My parents never looked the other way or regarded our fights as "boys being boys". They took every fight seriously and we never told them we had a fight becuase no matter how bad it was it would get worse if they found out. I knew a guy in high school who use to torture his younger brother. I remember stoping by one time to find him hanging in a gym bag, the ones with the netting, from a door. I was like, what are you doing?! His brother still fears him today. Its a tough thing to know where fighting ends and abuse begins. Is it when someone gets hurt? Where one person feels abused while the other doesnt? Can you not have a rough fight and then things be okay again? Should children worry about legal trouble when they've had a fight with a sibling?

[Rían]

interesting article! sad ...

My kids spat a lot but don't use physical violence that I've seen besides the occasional push or so.

[Bombadillo]

Interesting article.

I think that study on the first page was pushing it a little bit. They're saying that 35% of kids have been attacked by their siblings, and that's not a big number. But of them, only "4.55 percent were hit hard enough to sustain injuries like bruises, cuts, chipped teeth and an occasional broken bone." Now, if someone hits me so lightly that it didn't even cause a bruise, that's far from an attack in my book. My brothers and I used push each other around and give Indian rugburns, noogies, wedgies, and other such kid's stuff on a regular basis, and for a while my older brother used to smack us until I returned enough blows to knock some sense into him. Don't people know this is normal? Watch the Fighting Sullivans.

*thinks thinks thinks thinks* Only four times in my house were there outbreaks of true violence, and immediately afterward, the disputes were dropped. Either the attacker, after seeing what he had done, finally realised that he was a childish jerk in need of reform; or the victim, after learning just how upsetting he was to his brothers, also learned to leave them alone. Violence solved those problems like nothing else could have. I know that's rarely the case.

"Once he died, I realized that we had a pretty strong bond that I didn't understand or even knew existed," he said. "I can tell you I outcried everybody else at the funeral."

This, I think, is the biggest problem with family relationships today.

Originally Posted by Farimir Captain of Gondor

I remember stoping by one time to find him hanging in a gym bag, the ones with the netting, from a door. I was like, what are you doing?! His brother still fears him today. Its a tough thing to know where fighting ends and abuse begins.

I think in that case it was pretty clear. That's the sort of thing which should be addressed.

I have a friend who used to abuse his younger sisters. Not torture, but abuse. To name a two incidents, he pushed one over the side of the deck (14 feet or so) because he didn't think she should be sitting on the railing in the first place, and he clotheslined the other for stepping outside the house while he was on the front yard with friends. That stuff was a combo of him being a booger-eating, picked-on, diagnosed hyperactive kid and utterly stupid parents who wouldn't even dare frown at him. I was surprised to hear that psych. problems aren't the leading cause of sibling abuse. Who in their right mind would act like that?

[The Wizard from Milan]

Originally Posted by Bombadillo

Now, if someone hits me so lightly that it didn't even cause a bruise, that's far from an attack in my book.

You may have a point. But you have to consider that a sibling is with you every single day. It takes much less violence per day to make a big psychological injury than it would take to somebody whom you meet only only occasionally

Originally Posted by Bombadillo

I have a friend who used to abuse his younger sisters. Not torture, but abuse. To name a two incidents, he pushed one over the side of the deck (14 feet or so) because he didn't think she should be sitting on the railing in the first place, and he clotheslined the other for stepping outside the house while he was on the front yard with friends.

That is really extreme

Originally Posted by Bombadillo

I was surprised to hear that psych. problems aren't the leading cause of sibling abuse. Who in their right mind would act like that?

Certainly psychiatric problems can cause violence, but I think that well-meaning parents/siblings are the most ruthless; I think that there few things make people propne to disregard other people than their thinking of acting in others' people interest and knowing better

[Bombadillo]

Originally Posted by The Wizard from Milan

You may have a point. But you have to consider that a sibling is with you every single day. It takes much less violence per day to make a big psychological injury than it would take to somebody whom you meet only only occasionally

Totally wrong. I really never thought of it that way. What I mean is that it depends very much on the kid. You really got me thinking.

When I was young, it seemed natural to me that all siblings fight a lot, and that later in life, those fights would be fondly remembered between them, and they'd be better for it all somehow. It's a really Brady Bunch attitude, isn't it? Corny; big conflicts, but they're always ended with smiles and a stronger family bond, and every so often they'll be that charming "after all that we've been through" episode full of flashbacks to a decade full of vicious arguments. Sorry, I just realized how ridiculous that was as I typed it. All kids are ridiculous.

I'm sort of jumping to the conclusion that you saw your siblings when you were a child as the faithful guardians responsible for your protection and exposure to much of the world. I can totally relate to that, because that's how I think of my parents, and when they contradict that expectation it is psychologically damaging. But my brothers are an entirely different story. A good story too, I should clarify, though not so simply understood as such.

I'm definately not saying I'm better, more thought-out, or more right than you, either! Different points of view lead to very different reactions to the same situation.

Originally Posted by The Wizard from Milan

That is really extreme

Those two examples were from the top of my head, probably because they were the most extreme. But he was inappropriate all the time, if not that bad. I lent him a game once for instance, and he accidentally erased all the data I had on it. He blamed it on his nearest sister and then tried to prove to me that she was at fault by beating her. Scary times, back then, but he was a good kid. Oddly enough, as soon as he got to high school where no one knew of him as the booger-eating kid, he made a whole lot of remarkably normal friendships. He's so popular now, in fact, that he pretty much forgot about me. Such is high school though. I never would have thought him capable of so many and such healthy relationships.

[HOBBIT]

So if the violence doesn't leave a big enough bruise for you, it is ok?

[Bombadillo]

Not OK. I'm not condoning it. But it isn't a traumatizing event when, playing with Lincoln Logs, two kids go after the same piece and start fighting. They'll push each other and pry at each other's fingers until one wins, then maybe the loser will start slapping the victor and get pushed away, crying. Ultimately, no physical harm is done, and fights like this are routine. Two minutes later the winner will have finished and destroyed his Lincoln Log house and he'll be playing peacefully again with the loser, until the same thing happens. At the end of the day, they're just playmates. Both kids had fun for the most part and no one is harmed.

Similar things happen to adults, too, I want to point out. The difference is that we're too mature to push, shove, and cry. Think of manners. If someone sees us unwrapping a piece of gum, and they ask for some, we just give it to them or split it or something without even thinking about it and certainly without fighting. Afterwards, there's no resentment.

[Tamuril Sirfalas]

HAHAHAHA yea me and my sister fight so much! karate moves and kicking..screaming pulling the hair and nails....*shudder* she has long nails...i think it has to do with me being a gemini and my sister being a cancer...sometimes we get along...but those are rare and my parents take out the camera or implant it into their minds...* the times when our children did get along and were actually not screaming bloody murder* lol its not that bad

[Tamuril Sirfalas]

a lot of siblings dont get along...eventually one gets tired of the person that is constantly around and gets irritated at the little things that usually dont bother us...like my sister trys to irritate me but usually it doesnt bug me at all but today i got really irritated and mad at her for all the times she constantly bugged me