Dave Barry's review of Two Towers...

Dúnedain · 01-26-2003, 04:38 PM

I read this today and though it was damn funny, lol, check this out.

Here is a link to it, but you can also read it below, be sure to click on the picture link as well

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald...ry/5023564.htm

---------

Posted on Sun, Jan. 26, 2003

Why can't they just lose the ring in the sink?
DAVE BARRY

picture link: http://www.miami.com/images/miami/mi...4980407838.jpg

I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie, which is entitled Lord of the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens. It's a tad on the long side (three days) but I am not complaining. My eyeballs were literally riveted to the screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I lost all sensation in my lower body.

Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry; makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Above all, it's a movie that makes you think about the issues raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot?

I say this because it's a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and something like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like ''Flagodirt'' or ''Grempkin.'' So today, as a service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the following:

SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II

(Scene 1)

FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!

SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?

FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!

SAMWISE: But who will guide us?

FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?

SAMWISE: Dick Cheney's in this movie?

GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.

(Scene 2

LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions -- Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf -- in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose daughter, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!

LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking about.

LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script.

GIMLI: Well, I'm really short!

(Laughter)

LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!

LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.

SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

(Scene 3

MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!

PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!

TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat! (Scene 4)

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr

SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 5)

FRODO: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?

GOLLUM: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels.

(Scene 6)

LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of Ba'Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!

LEGOLAS: Now you're just making stuff up.

LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.

GIMLI: I'm still short!

(Laughter)

(Scene 7)

FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means?

SAMWISE: That ''Weasel Feet'' would be a good name for a rock band?

FRODO: Yes, as would ''Kung Fu Trees'' and ''Combat Alfalfa.'' But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be...

SAMWISE: No! Not that!

FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.

straight_face · 01-26-2003, 04:55 PM

Indeed, I also read this particular article and discovered it to be hilarious, but true in some ways. I was actually going to enter the Barrow-downs chat and ask if anyone had read it by chance.

Shadowfax · 01-26-2003, 05:13 PM

Hehehe. That is funny! Thanks for the link.

**Nurvingiel** · 01-27-2003, 04:19 AM

That was awesome! I love a good LotR spoof. And Dave Barry is really funny, even though I don't always understand American humour.

Lizra · 01-27-2003, 08:05 AM

Heh heh, Dave Barry reminds me of the annoying boy who would sit behind you in 5th grade and make body function noises!

I like "Gandalf the Beige" and "Clang, clang, clang! Gimli speaks! ha ha ha ha !

WallRocker · 01-27-2003, 10:28 AM

Read it yesterday in the paper. Pretty gosh dang funny

***azalea*** · 04-20-2003, 04:05 PM

Bringing this to the top (had closed duplicate thread about it).

***Jonathan*** · 04-20-2003, 04:08 PM

Wow, this TTT review was the funniest I've ever seen

I'm going to show it to my friends.

Salquënòrëwen · 04-20-2003, 05:31 PM

Dead weasles.....Lol!!!!

I also read that previous, it was in my local newspaper along with another article about a person who graduated from the same high school I'll be going to that worked as one of the head computer animation people. He's the one who mostly made the cave troll, I forgot his name though....

SamwiseGamgeeOTS · 04-20-2003, 05:44 PM

I've read this before but, see....this was funny, but it angered me...made us look bad...although it was funny..........hehe heheh hehehe *rolls on the floor and laughs uncontrolably*

Lizra · 04-20-2003, 08:24 PM

So today he prints some of the complaints from the "very, VERY serious fans of the movie and the book by the late J.R.R. "Scooter" Tolkien." (His words!

) I don't have time to type it, but I do wonder what the "Hoosier" joke is at the end, when he asks "Are you, by any chance Hoosiers?"

Now I'm mad!

Must be some inter-midwest insult!

Elf Girl · 04-20-2003, 08:28 PM

In the now-closed thread, somebody was saying about how they thought it was stupid. I don't get that, it was a parody, not a terribly good parody perhaps, but a parody, and the stuff at the beginning about boring-ness is all in fun. (It was pretty boring actually... *hides*)

Aralyn · 04-20-2003, 10:36 PM

Just let me find my sword ElfGirl and I will deal appropaitaly with you. (after I learn how to spell which might take awhile)

***azalea*** · 04-21-2003, 02:10 PM

yes, Lizra, I thought it was funny that Aralyn brought up this subject again, and then that very day an apology was issued! That was strange! I didn't get the Hoosiers thing either, but isn't he from the Midwest? It must have something to do with that.

Lizra · 04-21-2003, 02:16 PM

Yeah, I think he's from Illinois...? Those letters sounded like they were from Kentuckians to me!

I can just imagine how "boring" most of them were!

Elfhelm · 04-21-2003, 02:36 PM

I think it is stupid. It's a parody, yes, but a stupid one. It basically says, I'm ignorant but I consider myself able to judge anyway. I'm more inclined to cry than laugh when people behave like that.

straight_face · 04-21-2003, 02:40 PM

I think Dave Barry is one of the most hilarious column writers ever! Of course, I tend to have a different sense of humor than others.

Lizra · 04-21-2003, 04:13 PM

Yeah! I used to try not to like him cause he really does remind me of that fifth grade kid who was always making the fart noises in class.

(That kid was actually funny too!) Anyway, I try not to like him, but he cracks me up, so I do! Lighten up Elfhelm!

Bombadillo · 04-21-2003, 04:17 PM

I'd read that before. I think it's a great synopsis.

SamNotSoWise · 04-23-2003, 12:25 PM

The Hoosier reference was back to an article Barry wrote in January of 2003 where he implied that "Hoosier" was an unusual nickname and maybe reflected poorly on the intelligence of people from Indiana.

Now, I'm not saying I agree with him at all (my daughter is at college in Indiana, my brother-in-law lives there and so do some good and very intelligent friends), but anyone who gets insulted by a Dave Barry column is taking life way too seriously.

He's a humorist--he makes jokes. So learn to laugh at yourself, whether you are from Indiana or you love Tolkien (as I do) or whatever.

01-26-2003, 04:38 PM	#1
Dúnedain High King of Númenórë Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Númenórë <--United States of America Posts: 1,947	Dave Barry's review of Two Towers... I read this today and though it was damn funny, lol, check this out. Here is a link to it, but you can also read it below, be sure to click on the picture link as well http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald...ry/5023564.htm --------- Posted on Sun, Jan. 26, 2003 Why can't they just lose the ring in the sink? DAVE BARRY picture link: http://www.miami.com/images/miami/mi...4980407838.jpg I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie, which is entitled Lord of the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens. It's a tad on the long side (three days) but I am not complaining. My eyeballs were literally riveted to the screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I lost all sensation in my lower body. Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry; makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Above all, it's a movie that makes you think about the issues raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot? I say this because it's a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and something like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like ''Flagodirt'' or ''Grempkin.'' So today, as a service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the following: SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II (Scene 1) FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie! SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act? FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand! SAMWISE: But who will guide us? FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over? SAMWISE: Dick Cheney's in this movie? GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath. (Scene 2 LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions -- Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf -- in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose daughter, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman! LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking about. LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script. GIMLI: Well, I'm really short! (Laughter) LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes! LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa. MONSTERS: Arrrrrr. SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 3 MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees! PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything! TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat! (Scene 4) MONSTERS: Arrrrrr SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 5) FRODO: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney? GOLLUM: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels. (Scene 6) LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of Ba'Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom! LEGOLAS: Now you're just making stuff up. LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as the kung-fu trees. GIMLI: I'm still short! (Laughter) (Scene 7) FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means? SAMWISE: That ''Weasel Feet'' would be a good name for a rock band? FRODO: Yes, as would ''Kung Fu Trees'' and ''Combat Alfalfa.'' But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be... SAMWISE: No! Not that! FRODO: Yes. Another sequel. MONSTERS: Arrrrrr. __________________ 'Et Eärello Endorenna utúlien. Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn' Ambar-metta!' - And those were the words that Elendil spoke when he came up out of the Sea on the wings of the wind: 'Out of the Great Sea to Middle-earth I am come. In this place will I abide, and my heirs, unto the ending of the world.' 'Then Tuor arrayed himself in the hauberk, and set the helm upon his head, and he girt himself with the sword; black were sheath and belt with clasps of silver. Thus armed he went forth from Turgon's hall, and stood upon the high terraces of Taras in the red light of the sun. None were there to see him, as he gazed westward, gleaming in silver and gold, and he knew not that in that hour he appeared as one of the Mighty of the West, and fit to be father of the kings of the Kings of Men beyond the Sea, as it was indeed his doom to be; but in the taking of those arms a change came upon Tuor son of Huor, and his heart grew great within him. And as he stepped down from the doors the swans did him reverence, and plucking each a great feather from their wings they proffered them to him, laying their long necks upon the stone before his feet; and he took the seven feathers and set them in the crest of his helm, and straightway the swans arose and flew north in the sunset, and Tuor saw them no more.' -Of Tuor and his Coming to Gondolin "Oh. Forgive me, fairest of all males of Entmoot...Back down, all ye other wannabe fairest males! Dunedain is the fairest!" --Linaewen

01-26-2003, 04:55 PM	#2
straight_face Enting Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Angband Posts: 91	Funny, but true Indeed, I also read this particular article and discovered it to be hilarious, but true in some ways. I was actually going to enter the Barrow-downs chat and ask if anyone had read it by chance. __________________ 'There was no need. He halted just by us and looked down at us. "Gandalf!" I said at last, but my voice was only a whisper. Did he say: "Hullo, Pippin! This is a pleasant surprise!" No, indeed! He said: "Get up, you tom-fool of a Took! Where, in the name of wonder, in all this ruin is Treebeard? I want him. Quick!"' 'What are we going to do now then?' asked Pippin, undaunted by the wizard's bristling brows. "Knock on the door with your head, Peregrin Took,' said Gandalf. 'But if that does not shatter them, and I am allowed a little peace from foolish questions, I will seek for the opening words.' 'Fool of a Took!' he growled. 'This is a serious journey, not a hobbit walking-party. Throw yourself in next time, and then you will be no further nuisance. Now be quiet!'

01-26-2003, 05:13 PM	#3
Shadowfax The Fleet-Footed Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: British Columbia Posts: 913	Hehehe. That is funny! Thanks for the link. __________________ Jesus saved me "To remain ignorant of things that happened before you were born is to remain a child" (Cicero, 106-43 B.C.) "Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth" (Picasso)

01-27-2003, 08:05 AM	#5
Lizra Domesticated Swing Babe Join Date: May 2002 Location: Reality Posts: 5,340	Heh heh, Dave Barry reminds me of the annoying boy who would sit behind you in 5th grade and make body function noises! I like "Gandalf the Beige" and "Clang, clang, clang! Gimli speaks! ha ha ha ha ! __________________ Happy Atheist Go Democrats!

01-27-2003, 10:28 AM	#6
WallRocker Elven Warrior Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: At the computer... Posts: 376	Read it yesterday in the paper. Pretty gosh dang funny __________________ Do one thing every day that scares you ~Anonymous~ <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><<>< <>< <>< <>< I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America And to the Republic for which it stands One nation UNDER GOD with liberty and justice for all

04-20-2003, 04:05 PM	#7
*azalea* Long lost mooter Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Florida Posts: 3,342	Bringing this to the top (had closed duplicate thread about it).

04-20-2003, 04:08 PM	#8
*Jonathan* Entmoot Attorney-General, Equilibrating the Scales of Justice, Administrator ♎ Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Stockholm, Sweden Posts: 3,891	Wow, this TTT review was the funniest I've ever seen I'm going to show it to my friends. __________________ An unwritten post is a delightful universe of infinite possibilities. Set down one word, however, and it immediately becomes earthbound. Set down one sentence and it’s halfway to being just like every other bloody entry that’s ever been written. ☻

04-20-2003, 05:31 PM	#9
Salquënòrëwen Elven Warrior Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Tennessee Posts: 290	Dead weasles.....Lol!!!! I also read that previous, it was in my local newspaper along with another article about a person who graduated from the same high school I'll be going to that worked as one of the head computer animation people. He's the one who mostly made the cave troll, I forgot his name though....

04-20-2003, 05:44 PM	#10
SamwiseGamgeeOTS Elven Warrior Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: A quaint little hole which last time I checked was somewhere near Ohio, Middle-Earth. Posts: 165	I've read this before but, see....this was funny, but it angered me...made us look bad...although it was funny..........hehe heheh hehehe rolls on the floor and laughs uncontrolably __________________ "...Eragon recoiled in shock. Standing in front of him, licking off the membrane that encased it, was a dragon."

04-20-2003, 08:24 PM	#11
Lizra Domesticated Swing Babe Join Date: May 2002 Location: Reality Posts: 5,340	So today he prints some of the complaints from the "very, VERY serious fans of the movie and the book by the late J.R.R. "Scooter" Tolkien." (His words! ) I don't have time to type it, but I do wonder what the "Hoosier" joke is at the end, when he asks "Are you, by any chance Hoosiers?" Now I'm mad! Must be some inter-midwest insult! __________________ Happy Atheist Go Democrats! Last edited by Lizra : 04-20-2003 at 08:25 PM.

04-20-2003, 08:28 PM	#12
Elf Girl Lurker Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Lothlórien Posts: 3,419	In the now-closed thread, somebody was saying about how they thought it was stupid. I don't get that, it was a parody, not a terribly good parody perhaps, but a parody, and the stuff at the beginning about boring-ness is all in fun. (It was pretty boring actually... hides) __________________ There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium...

04-20-2003, 10:36 PM	#13
Aralyn FloraAzul Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Anywhere as long as there is a library in a one mile radius of here Posts: 751	Just let me find my sword ElfGirl and I will deal appropaitaly with you. (after I learn how to spell which might take awhile) __________________ Atheism: A Non-Prophet Organization Yet many shall be amazed when they see Him-yes even far off foreign nations and thier kings; they shall stand dumb-founded, speechless in his prescence. For they shall see and understand what they had not seen before-Isaiah 52:15a Civil War- 498,332 dead WWI-116,708 dead WWII-407,316 dead Korean War-54,246 dead Vietnam War-58,665 dead Persian Gulf-372 dead War on The Unborn=35,000,000 dead and counting

04-21-2003, 02:10 PM	#14
*azalea* Long lost mooter Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Florida Posts: 3,342	yes, Lizra, I thought it was funny that Aralyn brought up this subject again, and then that very day an apology was issued! That was strange! I didn't get the Hoosiers thing either, but isn't he from the Midwest? It must have something to do with that.

04-21-2003, 02:16 PM	#15
Lizra Domesticated Swing Babe Join Date: May 2002 Location: Reality Posts: 5,340	Yeah, I think he's from Illinois...? Those letters sounded like they were from Kentuckians to me! I can just imagine how "boring" most of them were! __________________ Happy Atheist Go Democrats!

04-21-2003, 02:36 PM	#16
Elfhelm Marshal of the Eastmark Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Portland, OR Posts: 1,412	I think it is stupid. It's a parody, yes, but a stupid one. It basically says, I'm ignorant but I consider myself able to judge anyway. I'm more inclined to cry than laugh when people behave like that. __________________ cya

04-21-2003, 02:40 PM	#17
straight_face Enting Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Angband Posts: 91	I think Dave Barry is one of the most hilarious column writers ever! Of course, I tend to have a different sense of humor than others. __________________ 'There was no need. He halted just by us and looked down at us. "Gandalf!" I said at last, but my voice was only a whisper. Did he say: "Hullo, Pippin! This is a pleasant surprise!" No, indeed! He said: "Get up, you tom-fool of a Took! Where, in the name of wonder, in all this ruin is Treebeard? I want him. Quick!"' 'What are we going to do now then?' asked Pippin, undaunted by the wizard's bristling brows. "Knock on the door with your head, Peregrin Took,' said Gandalf. 'But if that does not shatter them, and I am allowed a little peace from foolish questions, I will seek for the opening words.' 'Fool of a Took!' he growled. 'This is a serious journey, not a hobbit walking-party. Throw yourself in next time, and then you will be no further nuisance. Now be quiet!'

04-21-2003, 04:13 PM	#18
Lizra Domesticated Swing Babe Join Date: May 2002 Location: Reality Posts: 5,340	Yeah! I used to try not to like him cause he really does remind me of that fifth grade kid who was always making the fart noises in class. (That kid was actually funny too!) Anyway, I try not to like him, but he cracks me up, so I do! Lighten up Elfhelm! __________________ Happy Atheist Go Democrats! Last edited by Lizra : 04-21-2003 at 04:15 PM.

04-21-2003, 04:17 PM	#19
Bombadillo "The Bomb" Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: all over the place Posts: 1,601	I'd read that before. I think it's a great synopsis. __________________ Could it be that one path to enlightenment leads through insanity?

04-23-2003, 12:25 PM	#20
SamNotSoWise Hobbit Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: New York State, USA Posts: 41	"Hoosier" reference by Dave Barry The Hoosier reference was back to an article Barry wrote in January of 2003 where he implied that "Hoosier" was an unusual nickname and maybe reflected poorly on the intelligence of people from Indiana. Now, I'm not saying I agree with him at all (my daughter is at college in Indiana, my brother-in-law lives there and so do some good and very intelligent friends), but anyone who gets insulted by a Dave Barry column is taking life way too seriously. He's a humorist--he makes jokes. So learn to laugh at yourself, whether you are from Indiana or you love Tolkien (as I do) or whatever.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
The four towers?	Nilore	Lord of the Rings Books	61	05-06-2003 10:45 AM
Deleted scenes from Two Towers....	Dúnedain	Lord of the Rings Movies	1	01-05-2003 02:15 AM
Suite101 Dec. 18, 2002 article: Two Towers spoilage	Michael Martinez	Lord of the Rings Movies	11	01-04-2003 02:49 AM
Most anticipated movies of 2002	Ben	Entertainment Forum	34	05-27-2002 01:35 AM
Fawlty Towers	Imladris	Entertainment Forum	19	05-16-2002 02:59 AM