Fellowship of the Ringwraiths

[Butterbeer]

"Things move apace "

Wikkie was pleased.

"stinks of these cursed horse-boys and their fleshy beasts" muttered Gothmog looking around with a strangely absent and yet unsatisfied expression at the rohirrim 'horse boys' landscape.

[Gordis]

"What a disgusting country!" screeched Lily. "It reeks of horse dung!".
Viv and Five shreeked in approval.

Far overhead an eagle was circling.

"We are spotted", said Wikkie matter-of-factly.
"How could that be, aren't we invisible?" asked Gor worried.
"The blasted Eagles of the cursed Powers have keen sight both for seen and the unseen" replied the Morgul-Lord.

In the morning of the next day Landrowal brought his message to Rhadagast the bird-lover:
"The Nine have crossed the river. They are going West unclad and invisible but as noisy as usual".
The Brown wisard, puzzled and frightened, bid the Eagle to carry him to Isengard, to report to his superior, Saruman the White.

"I am not a taxi!" snapped Landroval angrily. " I was sent to bear tidings, not heavy wizards"

"Now, Landrowal, darling," coaxed Rhadagast, "The fate of the Middle-Earth depends on you. You shall get the fattest rat and the blackest and juiciest squirrel there is in Mirkwood!"

Landroval sighted and let the wizard climb on his back.

[Butterbeer]

rhadaghast carefully plucked some dna samples from the eagle with an evil grin and held on tight as the majestic eagle sped onwards towards Isengard ...

[Gordis]

Meanwhile in the far-away Shire anxiety clouded the mind of a certain Grey Wizard. He cursed, looking at the index finger of his right hand that suddenly blazed with a red light and stumbled to the door.

"Gandalf, what happened? Where are you going" asked Frodo.

"Worries, riddles, I must be off" muttered Gandalf in a hurry. "You must choose whether to stay or to go. But know this, wherever you go, you are in danger. It is before you and behind and all around. Now I must be off. Good luck!"

At this moment someone banged on the door. Frodo paled, and his hand crawled to the Ring. Gandalf grasped his staff and opened the door to see old Lobelia come to check on silver spoons, now rightly hers.

"No, not her! Anything but her" wailed the hobbit.

Gandalf banged his staff in front of Lobelia. A wall of white flame barred the entrance. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" yelled the wizard.

Stepping over unconscious Lobelia, Gandalf hurried South to the Sarn Ford.

[EarthBound]

Frodo then spent several minutes failing to shut the door, though he tried with great effort. Hard and fast, he would slam the door towards its frame, but it would not clasp shut. Engaging the use of several un-burnt logs from the hearth he would run at the door and attempt to ram it shut. But it seemed hopeless. Frodo was beginning to see the open door as an omen, perhaps a mystical or magical 'sign' that he should leave!

Eventually, Sam came by and removed Lobelia's bruised body from the doorway, and shut the door behind him. Frodo promptly forgot he was frightened by the unclosing door and demanded Sam play cribbage with him.

[Gordis]

Meanwhile the eagle carrying Rhadagast the Brown flew over the Fellowship. The nazgul were crossing the wide plains of Rohan. The shining figure of the Maia perched on the bird’s back was plainly visible in the spirit word.

“Which one is that, I wonder?” mused Wikkie. “NOT the Grey Fool, surely, perhaps another of them.”

“I hope it’s not our Sau?” asked frightened Viv.

The six snorted in reply. Only such a fool as Viv could mistake Sau’s fiery form.

"Why", cried Eight squinting, "that’s my ol’ buddy Rhad-a-Ghastie! We are currently working on the Fey Chicken project with him".

“So, is he on our side, then?” asked Gothmog.

“Not really”, replied Wikkie. “He has to do some work here and there for a living. He is not in the Elves’s pay as the Gray Fool, neither has he stolen a Gondorean fortress, like the White Fox. Ghastie is a poor scientist. He helped Sau the Necromancer with Mirkwood Spider Introduction Project and the Black Squirrel Project and got generously paid for it, enough to live in his Rhosgobel for two thousand years. He even worked for me back in Angmar ”.
Wikkie sighted, remembering good old times of freedom.

At dawn the Fellowship reached the Entwade, the ford on the Entwash river. The water was low this summer but still reached well above the knees.

“Water!” cried Lily terrified. “How in Middle Earth are we going to cross it?”

“You just wade through it”, advised Wikkie

[CrazySquirrel]

“Look here, guys”, said Lily cheerfully. “Why won’t you carry us girls? Come now, be gallant!”

Gor and Viv said nothing but eyed the men hopfully.

“Gallantry is a wicked Western idea”, sneered Eight.
“Be glad you are not asked to carry US” added Five.

Goth and Wikkie, both Numenorians, looked at each other and laughed.

“Now where are your manners?” shreeked Lily

[Gordis]

"Unfortunately, my manners have suffered tremendously from my age-long acquaintance with Sau", replied Wikkie dryly.

"You may try to coax Gothmog, though, but be quick about it. In five minutes I shall set anyone left on this bank on fire."

Lily approached Gothmog with her most engaging spectral smile.
"Gothie, be a darling, I am not heavy at all..."

Gothmog grinned wickedly. He quickly got Lily under one arm and Viv under another. Gor, having a well developed sixth sense, drew back.

With a shrill shriek Goth splashed to the middle of the Ford. Dropping the girls right in the middle, he happily proceeded to the other bank.

Horrible high-pitched wails rent the air. All living things miles around flew away in blind terror.

[CrazySquirrel]

"You, stinking rat!" said Lil to Gothmog when she got out of the stream and was done coughing. "I will get your invisible hide for that and for my tail also!"

Drawing the knife she bravely advanced.

The others, lured by a prospect of watching a nice fight, forgot their terror of the water and promptly assembled on the other bank.

There is nothing like a nice fight to fight a boredom of an immortal life!

[Grey_Wolf]

It didn't take long for the fight to get "ugly". The two fighters bouncing off each other's immortal bodies and attempts at knifing going down the drain.

"Go, lily, go!" shouted Nine.

[Gordis]

While the ugly and noisy wraith fight was taking place at the Entwade, the Eagle carrying Radagast the bird-tamer descended majestically on the flat roof of Isengard. The Brown wizard got down while the bird promptly departed. Landrowal had no wish to be coaxed into carrying anything else.

For half an hour Radagast shouted, whistled, stomped his feet, and banged his staff on the roof. At last a magic trapdoor opened and he was admitted into Saruman’s study.

“Ah, that’s you, Radagast,” said Saruman eyeing the unkempt wizard with hardly concealed disgust. Indeed the Brown’s hair looked like it had several bird’s nests in it, and his cloak was whitened by bird’s droppings.
“What brings you here in such a hurry? I heard you were quite busy working on your Mordor pterodactyl grant.”

“Uhm, speaking of grants”, said Radagast uneasily, “Are you going to pay me for the last consultation on uruk breeding anytime soon?”

Saruman swept the matter aside with his usual ease. “We shall speak of those lowly matters later, my friend and ally. Now I am anxious to hear your news!”

“The news is bad. Nazgul. At least seven. They are here, in Rohan, and moving North-West. I have seen them with my own eyes and heard their awful screeches with my own ears.”

“I know about them”, said Saruman loftily. “My dear palantir-pal Sauron is searching for the Ring that he lost so foolishly long ago. He thinks it is in a place called the Shire. His problem is that he has no idea where the Shire is. He consulted me on the matter and I advised him to look in the Anduin Vales. Now he sent his wraiths there, it seems”.
Saruman’s noble face bore a wide grin.

Radagast scratched his bird’s nest in agitation: “Th- the Shire? But it is in the North, in Eriador! Used to be part of Arthedain, as far as I remember. Yes, sure! When I worked in Carn-Dûm, I have been on a sampling mission there for the ARNHM.

“What is that abbreviation now?” asked Saruman warily.

“ ARNHM ? But that is Angmar Royal Natural History Museum, of course!” cried Radagast, offended. Haven’t you heard of it? It was a wonder of Middle-Earth! Such collections! Such presentation! I was the Director of the Museum and of the Royal Botanical Gardens for 600 years.
Yes, that I was and I am proud of it.”

“Well, I have certainly heard of it…” mused Saruman. “I even wished to visit it, but never got a visa from your Witch-King. I got a distinct impression that he disliked wizards. Yes, the Witchy…”

Saruman suddenly sat bolt upright and gasped. “You said Witchy sent you to the SHIRE for sampling?”

“Yes,” replied Radagast, “he gave me a company of Moredain disguised as Arthedain soldiers and sent to collect Shire Fauna for the Museum. We collected wondrous species. Even some fabled halflings, though they are stealthy and hard to catch. I have stuffed them myself…”

Radagast trailed off as he saw that Saruman was banging his head on the black marble table.

“You fool! That means the Morgul-Lord knows where the Shire is!” cried Saruman at last. “The wraiths may reach it in a week! And the Grey Fool thinks himself safe, guarding the Ring in a stinking hole!”

Sariman grabbed Radagast by the arm and dragged him all the way to the stables. “Take the best horse, find Gandalf and tell him about the nazgul but nothing else! Tell him to come here immediately! Now go!”

The horse carrying the bewildered Brown wizard galloped West.

[Grey_Wolf]

Several days later Radaghast, having travelled non-stop, exhausted from his long ride, got off his horse, sat down at the edge of a clearing in a forest far in the West. When a greyclad rider came riding like a bat out of hell in his direction.

[CrazySquirrel]

"Gandalf!" yelled Radagast. "The white Boss is looking for you! He will roast your ass if you are not in Orthank in a week"

"Now, Ghasty, what is the matter? Were you bitten by one of your pet spiders?"

"The wraiths are after you also. Run before they get you. They are heading for the Shire"

After that Ghasty jumped on his horse and rode away before anyone could think of another mission to carry. However he heard Gandalf's final plea

"Ask the birds to bring tidings to me in Orthank!"

[CrazySquirrel]

The wraiths were standing in a ring cheering. Lili gripped her knife tighter and moved in for a kill. Her stroke went right through Goth's heart. Goth, in his turn, pierced Lily's midsection.

Not that it did a lot of damage. Any mortal would have been dead instantly, but the two wraiths just collapsed in a heap in the middle of the cheering Fellowship.

"Well," said Eight, "it will take them some time to recover. We need to sew them up, though. I wish I had a needle and some thread..."

[Gordis]

The remaining wraiths looked at each other in confusion. As they had to stitch up two material bodies, the real-world needle and thread were necessary. Yet they had nothing material on them. No dwelling was in sight. The nearest one was Edoras, far South-West now.

Wikkie uttered a long and elaborate curse in Black Speech, then sighted and started to work on some difficult spell. Using small stones, he made a pentacle on the grass, stood in the middle and started chanting in Adunaic…

Meanwhile, in Edoras, Eowyn daughter of Eomund was making some embroidery. She hated it, as she hated all ladylike activities, with a fierce passion. But in the recent years the influence of the King’s councilor, Grima Wormtongue, has increased tenfold, so Eowyn had to abandon her sword for her needle. The said Grima was hovering nearby, and a stream of compliments was rushing from his mouth, causing the poor maiden even more misery. Moreover, he made several attempts to kiss the elbow of her sword-hand, now wielding the needle. Clutching the needle in her ungentle hand, she attacked the green field on Rohan’s banner. The field, made of uneven stitches, looked beaten by gale, while the white horse definitely resembled an old and fat cow.

Suddenly, the candles in the room went out. Bitter cold wind rushed in the room laying frost at the maiden’s feet. Grima cried in terror. Soon the sensation passed, and the candles burned again. Eowyn looked down on her empty hands. The banner she was working on for three years has disappeared without trace, as well as the needle she held in her hand.

“Bema sends me a sign” said Eowyn breathlessly, “No housewife am I, but a warrior of the House of Eorl, a Shieldmaiden of Rohan. No needle shall ever disgrace my sword-hand!”

The Witch-King looked at the awful embroidery that has magically appeared in his hand and laughed.

[Grey_Wolf]

Riding like mad Gandalf got to Orthank inside a week. Arriving at the Gate he was ushered in and there was Saruman.

"Gandalf, good of you to come." he said."And here you shall stay and rest from your travels."

"Whatever do you mean, stay?" Gandalf said somewhat confused."I heard you need my immediate assistance for the some great move against the Dark Power who's even now reaching out to cover the World in a Second Darkness. That's at least the impression Radaghast gave me."

"Raddy, Raddy the birdtamer!!" said Saruman, contemptedly."Yes, that's the impression I wanted him to get. He's easily fooled."

[Butterbeer]

"whooooooosh!" ...

[Grey_Wolf]

Gandalf, suddenly finding himself surrounded by Saruman's orcish goons, knew that he was in for it.

"Escort my former distinguished collegue up to the penthouse." Saruman ordered.

And Gandalf ascended the stairs to Saruman's lofty science lab, followed by the orcs who saw to it that he didn't have a prayer of a chance to escape, ushered him in and closed the door, blocking it with a sturdy piece of oak and locking it with several intricatly designed keys.

[EarthBound]

The door was laden with spells, locks, and timber...Gandalf rushed against it all his magical arsenal and strength BOOM SLAM CRACK! , but nothing worked...a complete feeling of failure stung his soul....that, and the indignation of BETRAYL!

Starring into space while thinking, Gandalf absent mindedly knocked on the door....which was immediately opened by the orcish goons out of habit....

"Well, that was easy," the Grey Pilgrim surmised...

[Grey_Wolf]

Rending the orc goons unconscious with sleeping spell he ran down the stairs and, before Saruman had realised what was happening, he was out the doors and heading for the Gates. Then a voice spoke to him from above.

"Hey, Gandalf, ya wanna ride?"