YayGollum's Many As Well As Achingly Unique Tales Of Middle Earth Outcasts!

[YayGollum]

Greetings. Here you go. Sure, the title says many, and I don't have many, but I still have a lot locked in my brain. I need to hire a stenographer. Haven't been able to spur myself into copying the other stuff down. *hangs head in shame* oh well. You should remember, for these, that they were written at least four years ago. I haven't messed with them overly much, since I enjoy looking at past mistakes. Yes, there are a few parts of these that make me cringe. oh well.

Truor's History, Part One

Greetings. My name is Truor Tupnm and...*widens eyes in mock surprise*...this is my story!

I was the first Beorning to be born in the house of the wizard Radagast (in northern Mirkwood). Good thing my mom was there at the time, because I turned out to be one of the rare Beornings who was an unhealthy baby. Radagast was there to keep me alive with whatever potions and powers wizards like him have. While he did that, my mom went looking for some particular that would help. She went in bear form so she could sniff it out faster.

Unfortunately for her, there was a group of elves out hunting that day. They shot her without even thinking that she could be a Beorning, but they must not have liked the taste of bear, and went on to hunt something more delicious.

Radagast told me all this, and how she dragged herself back with the plant in her mouth because she didn't have the energy to change back into her human form. There was nothing he could do to stop her from bleeding to death, but she was still able to save my life.

Other than feeling a little responsible for that and having all of my siblings mad at me, I grew up just like any one of them. I learned how to fish, how to collect honey without getting stung by one of our giant bees, how to cook, how to make mead, carpentry, and of course, how to fight.

Since I was the runt of the litter (didn't like wrestling with them and getting beaten up), I learned more from Radagast than most of them. He told me as much as he knew about Middle Earth and it's history. I asked most about the elves, wanting to know as much as I could about them, even though I knew there wasn't much of a chance for me finding my mother's killers.

Many times, I even disobeyed my father and explored southern Mirkwood. I found a dark castle (Dol Guldur, if you didn't know) inhabited only by giant spiders. Most of my siblings hated and killed them whenever they saw them, but I befriended some, hoping that they could help me to obtain revenge. They could get into the elves' caves better than most animals Beornings usually talk to, but I never told the spiders what I really wanted from them. I always hesitated when I was about to ask them to help me, because I knew that they would need a large helping of luck for them to find the elves who killed my mother. Those hunters probably wouldn't even remember what they did. I tried to forget about it, but I've always had a hatred for most elves.

Well, I, unlike most Beornings, started to get bored with the Vale of Anduin. I was thinking about making a boat to float down the Anduin when we got a visit from some Dwarves. I had always liked Dwarves from what my father and Radagast had to say about them.

They seemed the most like me and the couple of other smaller Beornings, both in manners and appearance (exept we were taller and didn't like to keep our beards as long). They owed my father a favor, so I asked to go with them to the Lonely Mountain. I half hoped that the Dwarves would be on good enough terms with the elves that we would go through Mirkwood, but we went around the forest, instead. I talked to the Dwarves' ponies, the horse my father let me borrow, and the Dwarves. They told me stories about how they had driven dragons away from this area.

The trip was uneventful. When we arrived, I was given a grand tour of the Lonely Mountain (very impressive). I admired them even more. I didn't really have much of a reason for being there, so I asked to be taught how to make my own weapons.

They tried as well as I expected to teach me, but all I could make was a too-thick club of a sword before I gave up. *holds up his seldomly used sword* They told me that I could stop a sword fight by smashing through my oppenent's sword with it, but that was about all of the good that it could do. They gave me a sheath, and I kept the sword but plannned to get rid of it as soon as I left the Dwarves.

I was glad to have learned how to make Beorning food because the Dwarves ate too much meat from animals we usually talk to and hardly ever caught fish.

Again, I became restless, so I went to the Iron Mountains to learn from other Dwarves. They received me eagerly, happy for my help with rebuilding after a dragon attack. After helping them rebuild (and trying to learn some of their secrets), I tried to make my own shield. This time, I didn't do so bad (gave up and got somebody to do it for me). *holds up a silver shield with a golden bear embossed on it*

After staying with them for several months, I still wasn't homesick, so I decided to go traveling up north. Radagast once told me of a race of men who were a lot like the Beornings (the Lossoth, ever heard of them?), but more primitive. After only a couple of days feeling grateful for the extra clothes the Dwarves gave me, I ducked into a cave for the night. I had heard stories from the Dwarves and Radagast about things I might find in these caves, but I was especially tired that night.

I was lucky that I came at night, because early in the morning, three trolls showed up, and I had time to hide. They stomped in, each carrying a human almost as big as my father. They were thrown into my hiding place, which I discovered too late was a pantry for trolls when the beasts moved a boulder right in front of the entrance.

I woke the humans up, but could do nothing for their bruises. They told me (in a very primitive sort of Westron) that they had been caught by the trolls while fishing. I told them about myself and we tried to figure out how to escape. This was when I decided to keep my sword. We used it to hack through the weaker rocks surrounding the mouth of the prison slash pantry. Of course, the trolls heard us, but we ran outside and into the daylight.

The Lossoth took me to their settlement to celebrate. It turns out that I had saved some of their most valued hunters (Yay me!). They said that they would be more grateful (We had a feast. Good fish up there!), but the trolls had been stealing everything of value and eating many of their men.

Since I had nothing to do and was looking for adventures anyway, I volunteered to help them drive off the trolls in exchange for being taught everything about their culture (sorry about that. I wasn't very greedy, was I?). They grudgingly agreed and we started coming up with organized attacks. I don't want to go into much detail about it, because the trolls never did anything to me and I was just helping my friends.

Anyways, we found most of the caves they lived in, always attacked during the day, and started avalanches to close them in whenever we could. One time, when we were ambushing some sleeping trolls, I noticed one holding the leg of a creature I had never seen before, but which had been described to me by everyone I had come in contact with so far, except the Lossoth. Orcs. I asked my friends if they had ever seen anything like this before, but they hadn't.

The more trolls we killed, trapped, or drove off, the more concerned I became for the Lossoth. I told them that the trolls had been defending themselves and us from the orcs, but they had too much hatred for the trolls to listen to me. I became more distant from this strange sort of human and wondered if the elves had this same kind of relationship with the Beornings.

After half a year with the Lossoth, becoming more tolerant to the cold, learning about camouflage, and how to survive with very little food sometimes, I finally got homesick. I warned them one last time about the orcs that would most definitely show up, but they just thanked me for my help and wished me good luck.

Now, I have never claimed to be an expert on the mountains of Middle Earth, so I had no idea how to get back to the vale of Anduin, and didn't really want to just go back the way I came.

Probably a mistake. I went south, through what I later found were the Misty Mountains. I had learned how to avoid troll caves. I'm surprised that I didn't know that trolls lived in that first cave I got caught in. They have a very distict smell. *crinkles nose*

My first meeting with orcs was actually pretty lucky. I had been exploring a cave that I knew did not belong to a troll when a crack opened in the back. They spotted me before I had gotten very far, so the only thing I could think to do was drop my supplies, turn into a bear, and run. The orcs saw me running away and thought that the human they saw had scared a bear out of some cave, I guess. I hid in the next convenient crack in the mountain and heard them cursing when they only saw my few belongings.

I huddled in that cave, waiting for the orcs to leave, hoping they wouldn't search too hard for me, until I remembered that without my sword and shield, I was defenseless. I wondered if they could figure out what happened from the golden bear on my shield (Whoops!). After waiting until the next morning, I went back to the cave and eventually opened the crack. I wish I had my sword to help that time! From what I knew of orcs, I wandered as silently as I could, because they knew these tunnels just as well as I knew the Vale of Anduin.

[YayGollum]

After a while, I could hear some orcs complaing about trolls. They were talking about one who had shown up last night through a seldomly used tunnel and massacred a group of orcs that had been planning on attacking the Lossoth (Yay me for being right! Yay for the troll, too!) until they saw what they thought was a spy (me), were delayed by looking for him, then came back to wait until the next night. I kept listening, hoping to hear something that would lead me to the troll, but the two orcs moved on to talk about some boss living in the south, telling them about some war.

I forgot about it and crept out the way I came. I stayed in the area, checking caves for the smell of troll during the days, always coming back to my cave without my sword or shield. One night, I woke to the sound of marching orcs and could only think of the Lossoth. As soon as their marching died away, I went through that first crack and explored without very much caution.

I had been searching for hours when I finally heard the voices of orcs. There was no immediate place to hide this time, so I ran forward, hoping for my luck to hold out. I didn't feel very smart when the voices were coming from behind a heavily armored door, and they were still talking and laughing. Again, I listened in.

It sounded like they were torturing someone just for fun. When I heard the voice of who they were torturing, I couldn't stop myself from bursting through the door. They were using a whip on a giant eagle. I had been told about the giant eagles that lived in the Misty Mountains and had always wanted to see one.

When I came in, one orc was leaning up against a wall, laughing. His sword was leaning next to him. I grabbed it and chopped his head off, but I was so used to my old sword that I swung a little too hard, which made painful vibrations go up and down my arm when it hit the wall. This gave the other two time to gather their wits.

One cracked his whip at me, which wrapped it around my new sword, but I just pulled him toward me and chopped his head off, too. The last one came at me with a sword, and I knew he was more experienced than me. I was backed out into the hall and found myself under the impression that he was only having fun with me until...

*heroic music in the background*...I smelled a familiar smell. We came around a corner, and the orc suddenly stopped and ran the other way. I knew that a troll was right behind me, so without thinking, I rolled between it's legs and ran farther down the tunnel. I moved onto the next alternate tunnel I saw, hoping to lose him, but I knew it was a mistake when the smell of troll was even worse in there.

At the end of the tunnel, I saw where the troll had been staying, because my sword and shield were there, along with other victims' belongings. I grabbed my sword and shield and went to where the mouth of the cave should be. I found that a small avalanche had trapped the troll from it's usual way out, which must have been why he had been using the orcs's tunnels.

I heard it catching up with me (it had been a little cramped in the smaller tunnels), and I searched desperately for another way out. The only thing I could find was a few holes where the mouth of the cave had been, through which...

*heroic music in the background* ... sunlight streamed. With my heavy sword back, I widened the holes, letting more sunlight in. The troll was smart enough to stop before getting caught, so this time, I used my shield to reflect the sun at him (I have no idea if that would actually work, but oh well).

With plenty of time on my hands, I sifted through the other things the troll had. I was content with my sword and shield, but did see all kinds of armor made by all kinds of different peoples. Most of it came from orcs, but there were a few pieces made by Dwarves, humans, and elves, too.

When I was ready to go (in the very hodge-podge set of armor you see before you), I was going to head back to the giant eagle, but couldn't because that troll was frozen right in front of the tunnel I needed to go through. Since it had been too small for him in the first place, I couldn't get past it without having to hack through it's arm with my sword. oh well.

I made it back to the room with the giant eagle, let him loose, and found that both of his wings were broken. Of course, I knew how to fix broken wings, but this was the biggest bird I had ever seen. I didn't want to work with something too unfamiliar. He immediately recognized me as a Beorning (probably the shield), introduced himself as Knockondor, and offered to guide me back home.

Knockondor told me how he had been captured while we walked (I had to carry him. I did not think that he would be so heavy!) and ate (he really liked the orcs I killed for him). He said that as a young eagle, he had killed his three younger siblings and was scorned for it. He said that they were all coincidences. He had only been wrestling around with them (a lot like young Beornings) and accidentally played a little too roughly.

Anyways, he said that he was cast out for being unusually strong and clumsy, how bitter he was to his parents (the rulers there), and how he had raised himself on anything he could find. It sounded like he already had a hard life, but then he told me about when he developed his taste for orc.

One day, when he was flying around, looking for food, he was shot down by orcs (who really happened to hate the giant eagles in particular, for some reason). He wasn't able to make a very good crash landing and broke both of his wings. The orcs came to catch him, but he was able to fight them off with just his claws and beak. He was feasting on orc (I was getting a little sick from the description) when more arrived up and barely caught him. They had been interrogating him for days about where all the eagles were when I showed up.

I was impressed until the day that three even bigger eagles landed in front of us. Knockondor looked ashamed, and I thought it was because he was such an Outcast among them, but they acted very concerned for my new friend. I told them who I was and how I knew Knockondor.

They told me that they were his brothers and that they had been looking for him ever since he had gotten lost while out hunting. I was just a little bit confused, trying to piece together the new information with what my friend told me, but his brothers were able to read my features enough to figure this out.

They told me that Knockondor was known to be a compulsive liar and that I shouldn't believe most of what he says. They flew both of us back to their eyrie and told me his true story. He was the youngest and weakest eagle in this part of the Misty Mountains. Their parents were not the rulers, but rather, scouts who watched for orcs. Knockondor had been a sort of Outcast in that he couldn't even remember where his one home was most of the time, but they still accepted him.

They offered to fly me back to the Vale of Anduin (Knockondor had been leading me the wrong way, anyways), and I accepted, but only if they would take Knockondor to Radagast to be healed. They were surprised by my concern and took us to Radagast's house where Knockondor became a stronger flyer than any of his brothers. Before he went back, Knockondor thanked me for not thinking badly of him and offered his services with anything I needed for saving him.

I stayed with Radagast for a while, telling him what I had been doing. He was grateful for all the news and introduced me to a raven named Shadowflaps. We became fast friends, of course. We were both disappointed with most of the inhabitants of the Vale of Anduin and were ready for excitement.

He's probably just a little more careful than I was, though. Radagast told me to send Shadowflaps to him whenever I learned something interesting or needed help. It seemed to me to be that Radagast, who had always been content with talking to animals and staying in one place, was becoming interested in the rest of the world, so I was happy to help.

Me and Shadowflaps (or however you're supposed to say it) went back to my father's house. I didn't really miss any of my relatives, but I still loved the Vale of Anduin. I told them my story and a few of them seemed interested, but most were just jealous. Lots of them went to the Misty Mountains to take their frustrations out on orcs.

Most Beornings either fight with huge battle axes and clubs, or turn into bears and use their claws. When they came back with fewer numbers, I decided to make a crossbow to fight from a safe distance. My first one wasn't very good, but most of my siblings finally thought that I had a good idea, so we all made some and improved on them. Now, we have sentries with crossbows on all our borders (Yay me!).

[YayGollum]

After hanging around my own kind for a while, either admired or despised, my wanderlust came back. This time, my father (who was pretty proud of me by now) let me take a young horse named Anthrax. We headed south on the west bank of the Anduin. Not much happened on the way down. I learned more about my companions.

Shadowflaps bragged that he was one of Radagast's best spies and how lucky I was to have him around. Some of his boasts did prove to be true, but then, I just smiled and nodded with all kinds of experience with crazy birds. He was happy to be exploring with me, because the farthest south he had ever been was Isengard (lots of ravens still hung out there). He told me about two other wizards in the far east that Radagast was using him and other ravens as messengers for all the time. I was happy to only know Radagast.

Anthrax and I (or however you're supposed to word it) became great friends (Shadowflaps gets a little too full of himself sometimes). He greatly respected my father but was fed up with being looked down on by most of the other animals and was very happy to be leaving them.

While we were walking one day (Side by side, of course. Why would I be riding him? I was in no hurry.), Shadowflaps flew down to us from where he had been scouting ahead and told us that there would be some marshland ahead, then a forest where he had seen elves watching from the trees.

Well, you know. We walked and we walked and we walked and were happy to finally be away from that forest. It's not very pleasant to feel like you're being watched by hidden elves with bows and arrows (especially when you know they're there and you're not a fan).

Anyways, once we were past the forest (that stinky Lothlorien place, if you didn't know), we were walking through some open plains when we saw four humans on horses riding to us. I got on Anthrax (who grumbled) so I wouldn't seem so different.

When they caught up to us, they demanded to know what we were doing in their land. Of course, I just told them that we were only passing through, not knowing we were incoveniencing anybody, following the Anduin to see where it went. I wasn't surprised when they decided to take us back with them instead of just letting us by. They weren't very good conversationalists. Too stiff. So were their horses. Not even Anthrax could talk to them.

Anyways, when we finally got there, we were taken to some big golden house, more grand than Beorn's hall, but obviously meant to impress. I wasn't impressed. I wondered if these humans were friends with some Dwarves that I hadn't met before, and that's where they got all their gold.

Their ruler (some king, I didn't pay attention to his name) asked me the same question the first four humans asked me. I gave him the same answer, but I introduced myself as Prince Truor Tupnm of the Vale of Anduin. They had never heard of it, so I acted like some of the Dwarvish nobility I had seen in the past, acting indignant because they had never heard of the mighty race of Beornings whose lord had saved the day at the Battle of Five Armies.

Luckily, these humans had heard of the Battle of Five Armies and offered to have a feast in my honor (Yay me! They probably just hadn't had a feast in a while, though). They had some good fish and bread and cheeses, but I didn't like that they ate lots of animals that I could have good conversations with. oh well.

They let me stay for a while, and I found out that not all of them were as serious and boring as the first four I met. They were like the Beornings in that they respected their horses and could almost understand them. The horses were some of the best and most loyal that I've ever met, but Anthrax was more fun to have around than any of them. He loves a good and heated debate or two.

I didn't stay with these humans for very long, and when I did leave, the four humans who first met us escorted us off their land and told me about easy ways to cross the land coming up. We walked and we walked and we walked again. Not much happened.

A long time later, we ran into a few little towns. I didn't spend too much time at any of them. Later, we ran into a huge walled city. There were all kinds of farmers living around it, people moving all over the place, in wagons and on horses. A very busy community of humans. I had seen bigger cities among the Dwarves, but seeing it outside like this made it look huge (that evil Minas Tirith place, if you didn't know).

I walked up to the front gate (also very huge) where I met two guards in some very fancy armor (very outrageous helms, too). They asked who I was and what my business was in their city (probably paid too much to do just that). I was having fun, so I told them that I was Prince Truor Tupnm of the Vale of Anduin and introduced Anthrax and Shadowflaps, too. Shadowflaps and the guards thought I was crazy. oh well. They let us in and I had fun exploring the city.

We stayed there for a few weeks. Anthrax loved the stables. There were about seven of the huge gates in that city. I liked the outermost part the best (the inner parts were too stuffy and high class).

There was this one tavern that I felt very welcome in. The specialty of the house was a drink that they called vodka. One day, I came in with a few fish I had just caught and tried some of their vodka drink with it. Very good! I tried to get some of the humans to try it, but none of them really wanted to eat raw fish with vodka. I finally got the bartender to try it. He was obviously a man of great taste and loved it. Yep, thanks to me, the specialty of that bar is now a drink commonly known as v&f. Maybe you've heard of it (Not very many at this website will even remember v&f, but oh well. I shall keep that bit in the story for all time).

Well, we did get bored of the place and decided to move on. The best humans I've ever run into are still the Lossoth (and that smart bartender). We continued to follow the Anduin, seeing mountains, forests, and a few little towns, not running into too many interesting things. Well, I won't bore you with the lengthy discussions I had with Shadowflaps and Anthrax on the way. We talked about all kinds of things, including everything from horse gods down to what kind of bugs Shadowflaps likes to eat.

My first look at the ocean was a very memorable one. Not because of the view, but because of what I found there. Sure, the view was good, and I was impressed after only seeing this one river for so long, but still, it was memorable because of what I found there. Want to know? Okay, but it wasn't very fun. We were standing there, looking at the ocean when I saw a large ship coming up towards us. I wasn't afraid, I was just wondering who I'd meet. *takes a sip of his v&f, remembering his first*

A bunch of strangely dressed people made their way onto a smaller boat and ran up to me (Shadowflaps flew off when he saw them, but didn't say why). They were almost as hard to understand as the Lossoth were when I first met them, but I found out soon enough what they wanted.

Since there were more of them than there was of me (What? It was a long boat they came on!), they were able to subdue and take me back to their ship (Anthrax tried to fight them off, too, but they were definitely ready for him with weapons of all kinds). I didn't see what happened to Anthrax.

When we got to the ship, I was thrown and chained onto a bench with an oar positioned in front of my face. They expected me to be some kind of galley slave, helping to pull their ship around all of the time. Argh! Oh, yeah, I learned that word from them. It was pretty hard for me to understand most of what they said, but I did pick that up.

Even though we weren't allowed to talk, I got to know some of my fellow oarsmen (or whatever they're called). Some of them seemed like people who could be from some place in Gondor, while a few had a very strange dialect, putting their words in a different order. Kind of like the Lossoth. They all looked very small and hungry.

I gathered (from what I could understand) that these corsairs of Umbar were going up into one of the smaller rivers coming from the White Mountains to find more slaves among the Woses (Yay me for being able to understand all those names?). The humans with the strange dialect happened to be some of the Woses.

We planned to escape while most of the crew were off catching more slaves (they had to replace the old ones who were getting too weak from malnutrition). It was difficult, but we slowly moved the ship up the river, into the woods they were looking for.

I found out that it's not very fun to be whipped when you try to take a break. I almost ripped the chains off of my bench several times (it would be easy, they were built to hold weaker humans, plus, they were old).

Most of the pirates left the ship, but there were still plenty of slave drivers with us. Again, I'm not one to brag, but what happened was, I broke out of my chains easily, then knocked out the two guards closest to me (Yay me for being merciful!). One heard what happened and came running, scimitars ready.

I threw my chain with enough force to knock him over, getting his legs tangled together in it. I ran over and knocked him out too, then started freeing the other slaves. Four more came at us from the other end, but me and a few now armed slaves were able to stop them. The slaves who grabbed swords killed every corsair they saw, even the ones that I had just knocked out. oh well.

[YayGollum]

More pirates came at us from above and below, but we killed them pretty easily since there were more of us than there were of them. Ha! We armed more slaves. There were quite a few good swordsmen from Gondor with us. But then, the pirates did kill several unarmed slaves. I remembered that there were two levels of oars when I saw the ship from the outside, so I led the men down to the other level of slaves.

There were twenty-something of us (lots got killed, some just ran off when they were freed, probably getting killed, and some just sat there on their benches, frozen with fear). When we got to the lower level, the pirates were ready for us. I was leading the attack (Ha! Shows how smart I was, huh?) and was hit with a throwing knife (Yay for my orc mail helping out a bit!).

There were only six pirates down there, and we were able to get rid of them soon enough, but they fought very bravely. We freed the rest of the slaves and headed up to the deck. Some pirates jumped off when they saw us (there were around sixty of us now, not a lot with weapons, but I would have been scared, too), but there was one last group of pirates surrounding one half-scary, half-ridiculous looking human (you know, pirates wear really crazy stuff, and this was their captain).

I saw that one of the defenders had my sword and shield. I went at him, but he did what the Dwarves had suggested and knocked the scimitar out of my hand. I was about to run away, but the crowd of slaves overwhelmed the defenders, and I was able to get my sword and shield back before they were lost.

The captain ran into a room at the back of the boat. I went after him and was ready for his throwing knives with my shield, but that guy threw hard! Yikes! He went at me with two swords drawn. My shield helped, but this guy was good! When he finally slashed in my face and got blood in my eyes, I...*looks ashamed*...got a little bit mad and came at him while turning into a bear.

sorry. Not very fair. Anyways, the guy was pretty surprised. I knocked both swords out of his hands, but he had enough wits left to grab his last knife. By this time, I didn't have very useful thumbs and couldn't hold my shield anymore. He got me pretty good with that knife of his, but I kind of smashed his head after that. oh well. He was pretty scary! *holds up throwing knives* These are the knives he threw at me. Very useful!

With the ship ours, we were feeling pretty good (they found something for my wounds), but then the Woses started going crazy and jumping overboard. Me and the Gondorians (or however you're supposed to say it) followed them, but I remembered that the pirates had come here to look for more slaves. Probably Woses. I wondered how they had gotten caught in the first place when the ones we followed dissappeared as soon as they got to the woods.

Luckily, Shadowflaps showed up. He told me that Anthrax had escaped from the pirates and was waiting for me on the outskirts of a small village by the Bay of Belfalas. I had no idea what the Bay of Belfalas was, but I was happy to hear that he was okay.

In the meantime, we decided to help out the Woses by hunting the pirates down with Shadowflaps' help. A few of them did get away, but the Woses were safe. Some of the Gondorians thanked me and went off to find their villages, but a lot stayed when they thought of selling the ship.

We were about to leave when Shadowflaps landed on my shoulder and told me that a few Woses were close by. I wanted to thank them, so I told the Gondorians to go ahead and sell the ship without me. They told me the name of a village to meet them in to get my part of the profits.

Anyways, I went to meet the Woses and found out that I had saved the son of their chief (Yay me!). Like the Lossoth, they were very grateful, and I asked for the same thing from them ---> to learn about their culture. These guys tried to make me reconsider. They offered me all kinds of things that might be used for trading. Food, clothes, weapons, whatever arts and crafts type things they made, but I was determined to learn about these strange humans. They finally accepted me into their culture, but were distant at first.

I could tell that they thought my request was a little too much. I learned more about camouflage and sneaking (these guys are way better than the Lossoth at that!). They tried to teach me how to climb and move through trees like they could, but I was a little too heavy. oh well. *holds up dart blower and poison darts* I learned how to aim one of these. That is a pretty fun way to defeat your enemies. Whoops!

I didn't stay with them for very long. Maybe it was because they knew everything I did about animals (except for their personalities), but used their knowledge to hunt them. oh well. I did nudge them into fishing a little better, which they really liked. Well, I decided to pick up Anthrax after only a few months with the Woses. I think they were happy to see me leave, but you know, still grateful to me for saving them (and for the fishing advice).

I found Anthrax waiting for me at the village I was supposed to meet the ex-slaves at. Shadowflaps went off to tell Radagast about everything that had happened to us lately (it had been a while since he'd heard from us). The townspeople had already heard of me, and directed me to a bar where I would meet my friends.

I was thinking about introducing v&f to the bartender when the humans showed up. I can only guess that their lives as slaves didn't help their attitudes. No, they didn't give me my promised share. They decided to beat and throw me out of town. They said it was because I was some kind of monster (I guess they saw me when I half turned into a bear, Whoops!). Probably from Mordor. oh well. I retreated as soon as I could, not wanting to fight people I had just saved. oh well.

Hm. Let me see here. Not much else to say. I started heading for home. I stopped by Minas Tirith to see my favorite bartender. I saw those four guys in Rohan again. Shadowflaps took me to an old hangout for ravens. Some huge tower surrounded by huge trees.

Heading north, we ran into a lot of little towns where I was able to earn a little money every now and then. Shadowflaps tried to get me to stop by some place called Rivendell, but as soon as I heard it was full of elves, I decided that the ground wasn't such a bad bed.

Um, well, I got into the Misty Mountains again, found a good cave to spend the night in, and met Knockondor again. That was different. I was just settling down when Shadowflaps and a bunch of bats flew into the cave, looking scared. That was Knockondor. He showed up and started asking me to get out of the way so he could have his supper. I didn't know any of those bats, but I stopped the crazy eagle from eating my little sidekick. He kept on whining about there not being as many orcs around his territory as there used to be.

I helped him out in the morning. I got him to fly us to this place I had heard a lot of Beornings talking about. Some place called Goblin Town. It was hard to get Knockondor to fit through the door, but oh well. Too bad there were still a lot of goblins there. I got my shield all nicked up. oh well.

You people should see Knockondor when he's hungry! That's scary! The population of that town isn't much nowadays. Well, after helping him out, I left for home. I was, of course, distracted by many adventures that Knockondor pulled me into on the way, though.

[YayGollum]

A bit of his later adventures are written down as well, but this is the part where I like to insert these silly little armour stories. Have fun.

The Armour Stories: The Tale Of The Vambrace Of Numenor!

Let's get this over with. I am a vambrace. I should not be able to communicate, but the author of this unimaginative story seems to be fond of the literary tool known as personification. Lucky me. I am miserable and have a good reason to be.

I was created in the land of Numenor by a master craftsman and for a warrior with obviously exquisite tastes in armour. The set of armour that I was once a part of was more of a work of art than a way to protect some human in some senseless battle. Although we were all made to be just as useful as we are decorative. Not that I care to be thought of as just some common bit of metal.

We were all works of art, but the shield and helmet were the crowning achievements. All of the pieces I was with had etchings of other famous Valar or scenes from folk tales that the elves tell. I depict the mythological Valar named Orome riding on his horse named Nahar, for example. While waiting for our first owner to arrive, I glimpsed other pieces in what I like to call the gallery. Pieces that you readers will never have the opportunity to see. You must feel miserable, too, now.

Our owner paid a handsome sum before delivering us to his seaside villa where we were immediately put up on display by some servant. We were always being admired by guests while not off saving our owners in oversea battles. I miss that. Not the battles, ignorant human! The admiration, of course!

Many owners later, we were tossed in some chest for safe keeping. For years. I remember hearing something about how the Numenoreans defeated their mightiest foe, but that was no reason to keep us hidden in some chest for far too long. There is no harm in a little admiration, is there? I think not. Only one of our many owners was ever injured.

Much too late in my opinion, we were put on a ship bound for Middle Earth. We wondered why we weren't being worn this time. Whenever we went to Middle Earth in the past, we were always being worn, ready and waiting for the senseless battle to be over.

This time, we were kept in the chest until a few more generations passed us by and we had to protect our newest owner in more battles. Senseless battles, forgive me. We were always stowed away in the chest after a senseless battle, but I gathered that Numenor was no more and that we were all refugees in the land of Middle Earth, where senseless battles abound. No more seaside villa. just this chest and senseless battles every two days.

In one particularly senseless battle against uncharacteristically coordinated trolls, an owner of ours was killed. More of a wound to our pride than anything else. There was noone to drag the body back for the next owner like the time when one of ours was badly injured.

Instead, we were dragged to some troll's lair to rust. At least we were on display. In a way. It is not good to be on display while tossed in some pile of bones, but I'll take what I can get. Unfortunately, trolls aren't the most appreciative of great art like myself. Neither is my new owner.

Sitting in this pile of armour and bones, rusting, brooding, we perked up when some troll tossed a large silver shield with a golden bear embossed on it (not nearly as beautiful as the shield in the set of armour that I was once a part of, of course) and a badly made and clublike sword at us. Criticizing the make of these new pieces to myself, I was distracted when my new owner arrived. Calls himself a Beorning. Never heard of it.

He grabbed the new shield and sword and ran to the opening that had gotten blocked recently. Was able to knock a hole in the wall of fallen rock with the sword and reflect sunlight at the charging troll. With no threats around, my new owner took his time with picking through the pile disinterestedly. Tired of rusting in the back of a cave in the middle of nowhere, I allowed myself to hope.

The first thing he picked up with some helmet. Not the one that I was once a set with. Inexplicably. Since the pile was spread out and I wasn't covered, his eyes lit up when he saw me. Talking to himself, I found that he only picked me because of the now hard to distinguish picture of Nahar. He didn't even know what it was. He only chose me because he likes horses. Disgusting. He completely overlooked the other pieces that should have gone with me. Pitiful.

I am now protecting this Beorning's right shoulder. At least I'm never tossed in a chest somewhere. He hardly ever takes me off, so I'm always on display. But then, I'm cleaned even less often.

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The Armour Stories: The Tale Of The Mail Of Goblin Town!

Hello! I'm some orc mail! How are you? Oh, I'm great! Wanna know why? Okay! I was made in Goblin Town! Ever been there? Oh, it's great! Really dark and creepy and loud and fun! You should go! Oh, yeah. I was made there. Tossed in a pile of other orc mail. Not orc mail! Orc mail! Like armour! Not paper! Uh, what was I talking about?

Yeah, I was sitting there, having fun. Some really cool orc picked me up and tried me on. I was way too big for him! He was a little scrawny guy! Yuck! Did I just say that he was really cool? No, he was gross. Grimy hands. He took me off and tried on another. Oh, yeah. That's when the really cool orc showed up! He was bigger than lots of others. I fit perfectly! He walked around just to show me off! Very fun! He was kind of a bully, though. Told lots of smaller orcs what to do. That was fun, too. He had a flaily thing that he'd hit them with. Where was I going with this?

Well, one time, yeah, it was actually right after he hit that orc, he walked outside and jumped on some huge thing! Like a wolf, but huger! Scary! We were in the front, though. Lots of other orcs and huger wolves behind us. We were attacking somebody. Not orcs. They were all pasty and tall and, this was funny, not expecting us to show up! Total slaughter and everything! Didn't leave a single human alive! Oh, yeah, that's what they were. Silly looking. What else? My big old orc guy killed a lot. Then we were stealing things. Then we went home. Oh, now I'm bored.

Okay, there was this one time when we weren't expecting someone and they attacked us. It was exciting, though! There were these things that looked kind of like what we attacked, but they were bigger and stronger and scarier and hairier! Oh, and they turned into bears sometimes. Weird. Well, my orc got killed, but after that and the big fight and everything, some other orc grabbed me.

That guy was fun, too! He was a little smaller, but he was just as cool. Maybe meaner. He didn't like this one kind of bird for some reason. Always shooting at the sky even though he never hit anything. Except this one time! I never got to see those birds up close. They are very huge! Well, he shot one and only got over to the body after a bunch of other orcs. That scary and giant bird had jumped on a few of them and clawed at them and things, but my orc and lots of others pulled it down and broke it's wings and tied it up and things like that. It was funny! He had fun with torturing it for no good reason.

Oh, yeah, one time, he got into some group that wanted to take lots of orcs to the north to steal from little humans that they usually ignored. Lots of trolls up there who like to eat them. That's gross! What else? Oh, yeah. The story. There were a lot of orcs ready to go. No wolf things this time. My little orc guy stepped out of one of those cool little doors that they have. You know the doors I'm talking about? Oh, they are so cool! Why are orcs the only ones with doors like that? That's dumb. What was I just saying? Oh, yeah.

He walked right out and saw one of those hairy dudes. It dropped its sword and shield and ran off. I saw a bear and thought it was the same guy, but I can't talk. Too bad, huh? I wish I could talk to those orcs all the time! They're fun! Oh, I forgot what I was saying again. Huh. Wait a minute. Yeah, that hairy guy ran off. A few little orcs ran off to try finding him. Didn't work. Too bad.

That little delay made them decide to wait until the next night. My little orc was just going back inside to rest when some troll popped out of nowhere and started smashing orc heads. My guy was one of the first. Too bad. He was fun! After it killed a lot of innocent orcs, the evil thing dragged them into this little cave of his and munched on them a little. I got tossed into some big pile of bones and things when the head was gone. I don't know why that troll wanted to eat him. Yuck.

Well, the troll must have gotten hungry again or something, because he ran off and only got back after that hairy guy I saw before came in. I was rooting for the troll, but the hairy guy did some weird magical thing, I guess, and turned it into a big piece of rock. Crazy! Let me see. When that was done, the hairy guy started rooting around in the pile I was on. I hoped that he wouldn't pick me up when he started grabbing pieces of armour and trying them on, but he did.

We weren't far from the orc tunnels! I bet that if he just left me alone, some orc would find me again! Now I just stick around and hope for some orc to kill him so I can have fun again. You know what's evil? He found that giant bird my guy caught and he saved him and helped him and things! No fair! He almost gets killed lots of times, but I'm still waiting. Not fun. One time, he and that big huge bird came back to Goblin Town. They killed lots of orcs for no good reason! Can you believe it? I sure can't! Orcs are fun! oh well. Here's hoping!

[YayGollum]

The Armour Stories: The Tale Of The Helmet Of Woodmen!

My story? You don't really care. It won't take long, anyway. Alright. I shall try to make it interesting. No. That's impossible. I shall try to make it bearable. I was made by people called Woodmen. Not a very famous sort of human. They made me out of hardened leather and wood. How exciting. Do you know how useless I look next to the iron helmets made by more famous races? I don't, either. It doesn't really interest me. They must have thought that I was helpful in some way.

Didn't turn out that way for my first owner. It's sad, really. If you care. He made me. Couldn't have been to make himself look any better. Must have thought I was useful. He wore me all the time. Braided wet grass and kept it between me and his head. He was a sentry. Not a very effective one, though. He liked to drink. A very sociable sort. That habit got him killed.

Orcs and Wargs attacked the village. Typical. Catapults shooting balls of fire work well against a town made primarily of wood. I doubt that the Woodmen will learn. I won't find out if they ever do. It doesn't matter. With the fire came poisoned arrows. One of these killed my first owner while he tried to defend the bar he was in. I told you it was sad. To die in a pile of your own vomit. Too bad. The orcs took everything of value. That did not include myself, of course.

More Woodmen arrived to search for survivors some days later. There were none, of course. Another picked me up and seemed to think that I was useful again. I don't understand it. I didn't help anyone before. He must have been able to see that. oh well. I was taken to a small village of Woodmen this time. It was destroyed, too. They won't learn.

I was left on a spear near what was left of the village. The head of my latest owner was there, too. That slipped my mind. I'm sure you feel sorry for him. Don't bother. He should have known better. A troll took the spear away before any Woodmen saw the message. It took me to it's lair where I was tossed into a pile of bones and armour. It ate the head.

I sat in that pile for years. Nothing better to do, I'm sure. Nothing particularly interesting happened for so long. I warned you. A Beorning put me on his head after dispatching the troll. At least he wasn't a Woodman. This Beorning looked at a few other helmets before picking me up. He thought I was the best since I was so light. Now I sit here and endure pecks from some raven who hardly ever leaves. What's next?

__________________________________________________ _________________

The Armour Stories: The Tale Of The Greeve Of Rivendell!

A chance to speak my mind? Good! Those elves sing lots of stories! I know about Eol! Why don't they make me like that? Eol made a sword that could talk! Why not me? It's not like I don't deserve it! I'm all kinds of useful! You'll just have to take my word for it since all but my most recent owner got killed. Don't think that I'm useless just because those elves died! Look at the owner I got now! He's smart! He doesn't go running into fights that he can't win! At least he doesn't go looking for them! Let me tell you! It's pathetic!

Here it is. I was made by some useless elf over in Rivendell. I bet he could have let me talk! He's just selfish! Wants the spotlight all for him all the time! I bet! What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. I was made especially for some huge battle down in Mordor. I was part of a set. I'm on the left. Anyways, there I was! Attached to some selfish and useless elf's leg. Walking all the way down there, then getting killed in the first fight he gets into. I told you he was useless!

Well, I kept going from one side to the other during that war. When that selfish and useless elf got killed, some orc grabbed me and handed me over to some orc who didn't have any greeves. That orc got killed and some elf got me back. Back and forth all the time. I bet that after all those fights and all the dings I got, some elf still could have fixed me up so I could talk.

After that whole thing down in Mordor, some elf took me back up to Rivendell. They didn't fix me up the way they were supposed to. They did stick me on some other selfish elf's leg, though! Great! I really appreciated that! Some selfish and useless sentrying type elf. Got killed by a troll. I thought it was funny. Served him right for not fixing me up the way he was supposed to! That troll dragged the elf's body all over the place. He ate some other elves, too. Had to drag mine with him for a snack.

What was left got tossed in the back of some cave when he didn't want it anymore. I was stuck to some useless elf's rotting leg for way too long! That finally ended when some kind of little human or big Dwarf or something showed up. It bounced some sun at that troll right when it was running at him. The thing had this stupid look on his face, too. When that was all over, he started messing around in the pile of bones and things. It took him a while to find me. I had been tossed towards the back.

He only grabbed me because he found some other greeve and didn't feel like digging too deep to find another. I guess. I already said that this guy is smarter than the elves. I know that he can't do what Eol could, so he's alright with me. But if this guy ever keels over and some elf finds me, you can bet that I'll go on another rant! It can't be that hard to let me talk more often!

__________________________________________________ ___________________

The Armour Stories: The Tale Of The Vambrace Of Belegost!

Hello. I am a vambrace. just a little piece of shoulder armour. I shouldn't be able to say anything. This is strange. I might as well say something now. I was made in an ancient Dwarf kingdom called Belegost. Wow! I am pretty old now that I think about it. I really don't feel that way. I've seen a lot of owners grow old and die, though. Very sad. I get really attached. Only one was killed in battle, so that's pretty good. I guess I did a good job, huh? I should reminisce more often.

Let's see. I was made by a talented Dwarf armourer in a huge smithy during the heyday of the Dwarven kingdoms. I was made more for durability and strength than to look beautiful. My first owner kept me up on display in his quarters. I was actually a gift for him. He was a very gifted gourmet chef who hardly ever wore me. When he did, it was when he was begged to come along on a mission. He never had to go with them. He could have stayed home all the time. He was pretty rich. But then, he was always a really friendly guy. He loved getting praised for his food. He never got into the battles and only wore me mostly to make people happy.

This kind of thing happened all the time. My first owner had a son who became a great chef. That owner had a son who became a great chef. Some weren't as good as others and never went on any missions. That was okay. I don't really like the battles. Who does? I liked sitting around in the peace and quiet. One time, I didn't know if I would still be in the same family. The owner I had then only had one child. It was a daughter. She was one who would not marry for a long time. Even though my owner pleaded with her to pass on his recipes to a son. She finally did after he died, though.

That was a close one! I have no idea who I would have gotten passed on to! The one she married was a coal miner. Things weren't going so well for the Dwarves of the Blue Mountains. I heard something about all of the old kingdoms falling, but never got to see any of it. Sure, I was moved around a lot. Yes, the rooms became less grand, but I didn't worry too much. My family was still full of famous chefs.

My last Dwarf owner was the son of that coal miner. He must have noticed that things weren't as grand as they once were and decided to leave with a group of Dwarves who were moving to a place called the Lonely Mountain. They were so full of hope and energy. My owner was a good chef, but not as famous as the mother he left behind. As they took their time moving along, they sang and told stories of the old days. My owner made the meals that brought a lot of these up. He was a great guy.

It's just too bad that the paths of the Misty Mountains have never been the safest. Trolls attacked the group near the eastern side of the mountains. My owner never carried a weapon, and the other Dwarves were all killed first. There weren't many of them to stand up to the trolls. Most of the fighters had never even seen a troll before. They were all used to the peace and quiet of the Blue Mountains.

The Dwarves were taken to a cave where they were eaten and I was tossed onto a pile of their bones. I rusted a little after a while, but I'm still okay. My current owner found me after turning the only troll left in the cave into stone. He had to dig a little, though. I heard him talking. He found one that he really liked because it had a horse on it, but he didn't like the other vambrace from that set of armour. just because it had a picture of something he didn't like. He grabbed me because I didn't have any pictures. His little raven friend sometimes perches on me. Neither of them cook well. Why would I miss the smell if I don't have a nose? oh well.

[YayGollum]

The Armour Stories: The Tale Of The Gauntlet Of Rohan!

Greetings. I am a gauntlet of Rohan. Created for defending the people of Rohan. I have a tragic tale to tell. I failed miserably. My creator lived in a town in the north-east of Rohan. Near the borders that are constantly attacked. I would relish that fact if there hadn't been so many women and children there. My creator used myself and others to protect them.

He was one of that town's greatest defenders. A master of many weapons. I rejoiced when he would pierce the thick flesh of trolls with his spear or decapitate orcs or slash corrupt men with his sword. I was bathed in blood by the end of every battle. He always cleaned me before putting me away, though. I could do without all the cleaning. He wore me not only while in battle, but also while he trained his son.

After my first owner died a horrible death from a burning orc arrow in the neck, I was handed down to this son. When he was old enough, he was led into battle. He was old enough, but he was not as experienced and was one of the first killed. Disemboweled by a treacherous orc. The only blood I was bathed in while worn by my second owner was his. Not that bad, actually. I mean, it was tragic! To see a young man cut down by a minion of evil! Right. It was tragic. Did not feel good.

Uh, after the successful battle, I was taken back and given to a nephew of my creator. He was much younger and was trained better. He lived long enough to be called a veteran and was finally killed by a wild man with a club. I was passed down from father to son, and sometimes to another nephew, for generations. Some of these generations never had much of a use for me. They were happy for peace. I don't understand it. Oh, yes. The women and children. Nevermind.

My favorite owner was a man named Eorache the Valiant. Admired by all, he was the son of a man who never used me. This coward always kept me packed away and refused to defend the town. He had an excuse that I believe should not have been acknowledged. He was lame. I remember hearing something about an accident he was in while riding a horse, but he could still use his arms. I don't understand it.

Eorache the Valiant polished his father's armour and was trained by one of the town's best warriors. He reminded me of my creator. The spear and the broadsword bathed me with blood once again. Eorache the Valiant always insisted to fight the most dangerous enemies alone. I have seen him pierce the flesh of the most monstrous trolls, the most heavily armoured men, and the most cunning orcs. He often wandered out alone on his horse named Rogane when times were too peaceful.

He understood my plight. Peace is not what satisfies the heart of a warrior. Only the heat of battle could bring us joy. Eorache the Valiant was loathed and feared by his enemies, but praised and admired by the townspeople. His enemies could only stop him with trickery. During one of his many voluntary patrols past the border, he was surrounded by orcs and humiliated. He fought valiantly, as usual, but was overwhelmed and knocked off Rogane, who escaped. They took his weapons and bound him for the journey to their lairs in the Misty Mountains.

I never saw what happened to him. They stripped him during one of his many humiliations. Word of his defeat travelled through the Misty Mountains like wildfire. His armour was mockingly passed around to the most boastful orcs. I was transported by way of one orc to the far north, where a troll smashed it and tossed me in a pile full of bones. I was smeared with the orc blood, which kept me satisfied for a while, but all I had for years was watching bodies decompose next to me.

I was finally picked up by an insignificant looking human who was only able to stop the troll by way of a cowardly trick of the light. He is nothing compared to Eorache the Valiant. I am on his left arm and never able to see any blood from behind his huge shield. Although this pathetic fighter prefers to use weapons that kill from afar. Where's the fun in that? Not that fighting is fun. It is necessary. Hm. Does this human even have any women and children to defend?

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The Armour Stories: The Tale Of The Gauntlet Of Moria!

At last! A chance to say anything! You have to help me! You can't know what it's like to be a piece of armour! We are not like people! We are items and live as long as we're around! Even if we're broken! I just want someone to melt me down! This Beorning won't do it! He has a use for me! I need someone who has no use for a gauntlet! I don't care how useful I am! It can't be that hard to get rid of me! I have been through too much!

Made by Dwarves in Moria. How great can that be? You all know what happened to Moria, don't you? I was in the thick of that! But even before that, I was used to help these Dwarves whenever they felt like killing orcs! Why couldn't they just stay in their homes? They had Moria! There was no need to ever go outside! I was first used to protect those kind of Dwarves.

Okay, so maybe I have a weak stomach. Not my fault! I'm a piece of armour! I should not have a weak stomach! But I do. I don't like it. Melt me down. Dwarf blood, orc blood, whatever other kinds I've seen: they're all too much for me! I relive every fight I've ever been in every time I'm not in one! No time to relax! After a fight, my Dwarf owner would clean me up and put me away. I bet other pieces of armour can relax then! Not me! No moments of peace for me! See why I want to get melted down?

Oh, yes, Moria! Have you ever seen the carnage an angry balrog can produce? I have. I'd rather not have the chance to run into anything like that again. just like I'd rather not relive those scenes again just to tell you about them. No offense. Maybe there are some blood-thirsty types reading this. What's wrong with you people, anyway? oh well. I must sound crazy to you. Go ahead and put me out of my misery! This is not supposed to be annoying! It's supposed to be pitiful! It's the only cry for help I'll have the chance to give!

After most of the Dwarves were slaughtered, I sat in a pool of blood for years until some orc picked me up. I almost let myself hope that I would be saved from running into any more sickening experiences. I am convinced that I have no chance of that. The orc wore me and used me to protect him while he slashed open even more bodies on his way north. I had often wondered if the land around Moria was the only one that's so bloody. Travelling with an orc to the north shed light on that theory!

This orc and his companions even killed other orcs on their way! I thought it could be something about these mountains. Or maybe it was just anything to do with orcs. Now I know better. There is only peace in destruction for me. A troll killed the orc. I was covered in that orc's black blood and still am. The troll threw me onto a pile of rotting carcasses while he ate the orc right in front of me.

I was stuck in that pile and relived awful memories until this Beorning showed up and dispatched the troll by turning him into stone. I had no problem with that. I allowed myself to hope that this was some kind of magical being who only turned things into stone if they threatened him. I wanted him to pick me up. This had to be better than sitting in a pile of slowly rotting flesh, I thought. I was wrong.

Someone take me away from this Beorning! He travels all over Middle Earth. There are very few safe places here, and he's always moving. Always running into trouble and always kills things right in front of me! Sure, he tries to kill them from a safe distance when he can. That's good. But he is always inevitably having to spill someone's blood all over me. He hardly ever cleans his armour. I still have dried blood on me. What? That's all? oh well. Somebody'll listen to me. They have to.

[YayGollum]

The Armour Stories: The Tale Of The Greeve Of Gondor!

Ah. Welcome, readers. As you can see from the title, I am Truor Tupnm's Greeve of Gondor. But I shall not hold that title for long. Oh, no. I have something much greater planned. I'm sure that you have all heard of the One Ring, yes? I am aware that we are parts of separate dimensions. You have read all about the One Ring and the Dark Lord who wore it. You know that their plans backfired. Mine will not.

Rings will fall off fingers easily. I will not. I already have minions. A very diverse group, as you can tell. It was all a matter of making promises that I do not intend to keep. Do you remember the Vambrace of Numenor? I promised him that when I am the ruler of Middle Earth, he will be reunited with the set of armour he was once a part of and put up on display in my temple.

The Orc Mail of Goblin Town will be given back to the orcs. He is uninformed and confident that orcs will still exist when I am in command.

The Gauntlet of Moria will be destroyed. I would never lie about that.

The Gauntlet of Rohan will be given back to Eorache the Valiant. I happen to know that he still lives.

The Vambrace of Belegost will be given to a Dwarven chef in the Glittering Caves.

The Greeve of Rivendell will be given back to the elves until they can find a way to make him talk. If they are not able to do this, they will be killed. I doubt that they will be able to fulfill his wish, but if they do, I will probably keep him around. My partner was lost to me in the Misty Mountains.

I could not persuade the Helmet of the Woodmen to listen. He will be melted down with the rest of them.

Now, I did not have the opportunity to meet the Dark Lord, but I assume that he was some kind of orc. Any weak race like that does not compare to the Gondorian that made me. This has been proven. Read a history book. The humans and Dwarves and things always triumph. I have seen their armour. The Gondorians make better armour than any race they fight. This makes me more powerful than the One Ring. How can some trinket compare to me? The One Ring must have realized its true potential as I have. You have seen what these others think. They are all too simple-minded. I just had to wait until I had an owner I could influence.

As was pointed out earlier, I am from Gondor. You must know how easily corruptable humans are. I had to wait for one to buy me, though. I was made by a blacksmith and put on display in his shop. It is much easier to influence a human when they wear you. When one finally bought me, I only used him to gather information. The battles I was worn in were of little use.

Except the one in which I ended up being taken by orcs to the Misty Mountains. I could have taken control of any of the orcs I was worn by over the years, but style counts for something. I would not use one of those filthy orcs like the One Ring most likely did. A troll killed the last of my orc vessels.

Yes, it was one of the same trolls that came upon my minions. And the helmet. The same one that Truor Tupnm dispatched with a beam of sunlight. You know the story by now. You should know that he became the king after his father died. He isn't a formal king, though. That's just a title his giant eagle and raven friends like to call him.

The Beornings of the Vale of Anduin have no real government. Old Beorn was never their leader. If he was, he would not have been the only Beorning at the Battle Of Five Armies. He would have commanded more to come. No, Beorn was only highly respected, as Truor should be and isn't. The Beornings look up to his brother Tilit for more than the obvious reason.

Tilit will respect Truor's decisions, though. Which are actually mine, of course. I plan to use him and his giant eagle friend to take over the world. That giant eagle will have no trouble in convincing his brethren to help his good friend Truor's Beorning army with their noble cause to bring peace to Middle Earth. Then I shall no longer be Truor Tupnm's Greeve of Gondor. I shall be the greatest mastermind Middle Earth has ever known.

Who just happens to be attached to an easily controlled Beorning named King Truor Tupnm.

__________________________________________________ _____________________

The Warg And His Orc.

Middle Earth. A land of wonder and mystery and excitement. We know much of the elves and hobbits and Dwarves and humans. But what of the more benevolently challenged? The less savory peoples have tales that are just as moving. Try this on for size. All Wargish (Wargian? Warg-speak? I don't know.) and Orcish has been translated just for you.

A pack of Wargs slumbered in the foothills of the Misty Mountains. They huddled together to stay warm, but one who slept alone heard his Greek letter titled male leader pick his way out to speak with an Orcish messenger. He overheard their plans to attack a large city of Woodmen nearby. Halfway through, his leader spotted him watching and listening. "Get back to sleep, Raoul! You'll have your chance to fight tomorrow!"

Raoul knew that these Woodmen had been slowly hunting them into extinction, but thought that it would be folly to attack them now. Humans seemed to be multiplying faster and faster in the recent years. More and more packs of Wargs had been wiped out. Orcs, too, but that mattered little to the lone Warg.

As the leaders droned on, Raoul brooded to himself. He wondered why they would sacrifice themselves so readily for their land. The city they would attack that night was full of humans who wanted to make names for themselves as they conquered everything on Middle Earth.

By the time their pack came to meet with the combined armies of Orcs and Wargs from all over the Misty Mountains, Raoul had been paired with a foul-mouthed, bloodthirsty, and annoyingly pointy rider. "Hey, Warg! It's time we burned that city to the ground already, eh?"

Raoul, sounding annoyed ---> "Eh."

"Fine then! Keep it to yourself. You want to see those human maggots' blood just as much as me, though, huh?"

Raoul, muttering ---> "Oh, desperately."

"I wouldn't mind starting the killing early just for you, ya know? It's too late to get another Warg now, though. You'll be useful enough when the time comes!"

As the armies quickly travelled through the hills, the pointy Orc hadn't noticed the Warg slowing and moving away from the rest. When they reached a copse of trees from which they were hidden from view, the Warg let his slowly rising growl reach it's peak while he rolled over to knock the Orc off. Shaking his coat to rid himself of the pointy feeling, the Warg grinned, then pounced. Even the noises it made while being eaten were annoying.

Since the Warg wasn't very hungry, and he heard a few others heading over to investigate, he ran off to find a safe place to relax. He hadn't gotten much sleep while brooding.

Meanwhile and back in Goblin Town, a small and hunched over and weaselly looking Orc speared a blind fish with a poisoned arrow. Some bigger and stupider looking Orc's head poked out from a nearby tunnel. "Bugburz, you useless maggot! Hurry up with those fish! We're late to meet with the others!"

Bugburz glared at the thing until it left, then went back to spearing fish. When he had plenty of fish for the fighters ready, he grinned wickedly as he delivered them. Since all but the last few hungry and soon to be dead fighters were gone, Bugburz had plenty of time to lounge around.

He had noticed the growing numbers of humans, too. That kept him from his dream of being able to live alone and not have to deal with the constant stupidity of most of his kind. Maybe next to a nice small community of humans that he could steal food from, but a chance encounter would be the only interaction he'd get.

Since humans loved bursting into his caves all the time, the smaller Orcs that he felt more comfortable with were dying out. He was very discontent with having to stay with these stupid and huge things for protection. Which is why he had decided to poison them and block the entrances.

There was water and fish down there. Goblin Town had been one of the oldest and most well hidden homes of the Orcs. He would be nice and safe from now on. Walking with what might be called a spring in his step up to the first of the hidden entrances he was about to block, he missed the last group of large fighters until they caught him.

"Where do you think you're going, Bugburz? We saw you getting our fish! You only use poisoned arrows! Think we're stupid, huh? We've been generous with you for a long time, Bugburz, but no more! You're not even a decent fighter! All you're good for is sniffing things out! Our enemies don't hide anymore, Bugburz! Why don't you use you only ability to hide from them? You'll get no more protection from us!"

He was then thrown out the back door and buried in the poisoned fish he had caught. He knew not to try opening the door. After digging himself out and huddling in a corner from which he glared at the fish, he whimpered and ranted himself to sleep.

Raoul dragged his feet as he made his way up the sharp rocks to the first cave he had seen. Orcs and Wargs worked with each other a lot. If he was caught by either of those things, he'd be killed. He wasn't very worried about having lost all ties to the least hostile people he knew.

Until he remembered that living in a pack of Wargs meant working together to survive. He felt bad about not eating more of that annoying Orc. He knew that he couldn't go back and ask for forgiveness. He made it into the cave then slumped onto the floor to try holding back the first pangs of hunger. When he opened his eyes, though, they widened with all kinds of hope at the sight of a huge pile of fish.

[YayGollum]

About two seconds before he pounced on them, he heard a small but achingly hateful voice. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. You don't want to poison me, do you? Nar!"

Raoul glared at the pitiful looking orc holding up a pitiful looking sword and shield. "You can't stop me, Orc! And what do you mean, poison you? Do I look poisonous?"

Bugburz pointed to the fish and grinned. "You will be if you eat those fish. So just sit still so I can carve you! I never was too good at this!"

Raoul stood up and made ready to pounce. "Well, you won't be getting any practice out of me! Why aren't you attacking Woodmen right now? Or is tantalizing Wargs with food that might be poisoned more fun?"

Bugburz sneered. "Garn! You Wargs aren't worth my time! I'll have you know that I poisoned those fish to kill a rival clan of Orcs!"

Raoul stepped back to laugh while still looking wariful. "Oh, that's intelligent! Kill yourselves off! Save the humans some time! You'll be happy to hear that I ate one of your kind just before I came here, then?"

Bugburz narrowed his eyes at that, having given up on Orcs a while ago. "Yes, I would! I'm in a tribe of my own! You could eat every Orc in Middle Earth as far as I care!"

Raoul relaxed a little since he was a little confused. "Wargs, too, then? Orcs share their killings with Wargs enough."

Bugburz lowered his sword and looked achingly and openly confused. "Ar! What's your problem with Wargs? You're a Warg! They stick together more than we do! I hate all of them!"

Raoul stepped forward and grinned. "Me, too! My pack ran off with your Orcs to get themselves killed by the Woodmen."

Bugburz backed up hesitantly. "And you don't care? You're a strange one."

Raoul noted that and nodded sadly. "I've been told that before. Are you going to eat me or not?"

Bugburz finally relaxed and pointed to the door. "You look hungry, too. Why don't you help me break down this door and I'll introduce you to your supper?"

Raoul's eyes lit up as his stomach groaned. "Supper, eh?"

Bugburz, automatically ---> "Eh."

Raoul couldn't help feeling very attached to the guy already. "Ha! Direct me, then, Orc!"

Bugburz glared, but with nowhere near the intensity he had before. "Nar! Bugburz!"

Raoul blinked with open confusion this time. "What's that?"

Bugburz puffed his chest out to state matter of factly ---> "Bugburz. Not Orc."

Raoul rolled his eyes at the crazy Orc. "Oh, right. I am Raoul. Here's the door. What's the problem?"

Bugburz stepped up to the door to prove that it wouldn't open. "They locked it or blocked it or something. You're big. You can bash it down."

Raoul got ready to ram the door but pulled back to look at the fish longingly. "And there's no other door? Alright, Bugburz. You're sure that fish is poisoned?"

Bugburz stepped between Raoul and the fish. "Oh, it's poisoned alright! I used to work in Mordor where they know their poisons!"

Raoul blinked with all kinds of surprise since this Orc still seemed pretty pitiful. "Mordor? That hellhole that even you Orcs despise now? You're lucky to be alive!"

Bugburz impatiently waved his sword at the door. "We won't be for long unless you can open this thing!"

Raoul nodded and swiped at the Orc. "Right. Move away."

As soon as Bugburz was far enough away, Raoul rammed his shoulder into the door. It held but cracked. After a couple more hits and Bugburz had helped, they were in. Bugburz led the way to a storeroom where he guessed the fat Orcs were feasting. Raoul barely fit in the tunnels, and couldn't get in the door of the storeroom. Bugburz slit the throats of the sleeping Orcs, then dragged one over for Raoul.

While they were eating, Bugburz told Raoul about his plans to hide in Goblin Town and block all the doors and live in peace.

"I don't think that I can stay here, Bugburz. I'm cramped enough already."

"Nar! There's plenty of bigger rooms for you! Don't Wargs like caves?"

"This is a long system of tunnels. If I didn't get lost or stuck, I'd go blind always having to hide from either of our people when they get back."

"I don't think that too many will come back. This was the biggest effort I've seen in years."

"Even so, the safest thing to do would be to leave. You, at least, have travelled. Is there a safer place?"

"Alright. Well, there's always Mordor. Noone lives there now."

"Mordor? Even without the big boss who used to be down there, wouldn't it still be dangerous? There's a lot of land to get through, too!"

"Garn! I know the way! And it's not even that bad there. Well, we had slaves back before the war. oh well. Nar! It'll be safe enough! I made it through the war down there!"

"If you say so. Well, I'm full. We should leave soon. You never know when they might come back."

"Ar! You're good to have around, Raoul! Let me grab a few things first. We won't have much to eat on the way, though. Most of the Orcs have gone to the battle."

While the Orc is stocking up ---> "Trolls, Bugburz. Don't forget the trolls. We'll be so fat by the time we're through these mountains that we won't even want to go to Mordor anymore! We'll just collapse at Fangorn!"

"No, thanks! I know enough to avoid that place! Okay, back up. You can't turn around, can you?"

The Warg tried turning around a couple of ways, but gave up and awkwardly walked backwards until they were back outside. "There. Lead on, Orc!"

"Bugburz. Sit down or something!"

"What's that?"

"You know what I mean! Bugburz, not Orc!"

"No, why do you want me to sit down? Let's go."

"Garn! You're a Warg! I'm an Orc! I ride you! Get down!"

Raoul then growled and stepped forward menacingly. "You should know better than that! Never ask me to do that again! I've had too many Orcs just jumping on my back without thinking anything of it! I am not a horse! Unless you're going to let me ride you, you won't be touching my back!"

"Alright, alright! Calm down! No, you don't get to ride me. Will you at least carry my packs?"

"That's better. Sorry. Tie them on so we can go."

[YayGollum]

After tying a few packs full of useful Orcish travelling type things, the two set south. A bit of conversation --->

"Mordor was a hell. It's good now, though. We'll just have to get by the guard."

"What guard? Since when is there a guard? You didn't say anything about a guard!"

"There's always a guard. Humans again. They wreck everything."

"You Orcs are just the same. Humans used to be afraid of you!"

"Yeah, well, look who's hiding from who now. Garn! I remember when a human would scream at the sight of me! Now they grab a sword and try to slice my head off!"

"At least they didn't hunt you down. They like to think that they're big and brave when they try to kill one of us for a trophy!"

"Good luck to the fighters, eh? May they take down twice as many as they lose! Even though that won't even take care of half of them."

"Eh. You're right. It's hopeless. Mordor is our best bet. It'll be the last place that humans would want to live!"

"See, I said it was nice!"

Many caves and many trolls later, they arrived at Moria. The entrance had been blocked with all kinds of easily removeable things from the inside. The sun was just coming up, so it took Bugburz a few tries to get the attention of the sleepy guards. ---> "Who's there? What do you want?"

"Garn! It's Bugburz! Open up!"

"Bugburz? We don't know a Bugburz! He never travelled with a Warg, either! Always said he hated them!"

Raoul looked at Bugburz with all kinds of confusion since what the guard said definitely sounded like the Orc knew him. Bugburz waved his questioning look off. "Nar! I still do! This is just a present for your boss!"

There was an eager sounding whoop, then a few crashes and curses before there was enough room for two guards to come out with their spears ready. Not too ready, though. It was getting brighter and they didn't expect any trouble. Bugburz led a nervous Raoul into the darkness. There were only the two smaller guards and one large and crafty looking Orc there.

When the entrance had been blocked again, the large Orc reached out to poke Raoul with his sword. "This is a fine gift, Bugburz! You can run along to your quarters now. Maybe we'll pass some scraps down there for you when we're done."

Bugburz had to hold Raoul back when the Warg got poked. "Ar! Maybe? Scraps? He's not that kind of present! You can't be the boss here, anyway! This close to the front door? Only two guards? Nar! Take us downstairs!"

The large Orc then smacked Bugburz aside mostly with the hilt of his sword. "Your brothers have fallen on hard times! If this Warg wasn't meant to be a snack, I don't have to call it a present, do I? I'll just take it!" The smaller two just shook their heads and went back to trying to look alert and ready for anything.

Before Raoul could pounce on the thing that seemed to grow in front of him as it advanced with it's wicked looking sword, Bugburz shot it in the back of the neck. Raoul looked almost as shocked as the smaller two Orcs. At first, but even more when the assumed to be dead Orc got back up and continued to advance.

Raoul, not especially prepared for the supernatural, wasn't ready for it that time and started to back off. After getting swiped at with a sword a few times and finally running into the door, Raoul thought about leaping over the Orc, but Bugburz, after getting over his own shock, shot three more arrows into the thing's back. It obviously felt all three, but still wouldn't die.

Bugburz started to back off with his small shield raised when the thing turned around to pursue him. Raoul finally pounced on the thing and ended up crushing it's head. They all felt some kind of thick mist hover there as if angry, then dissapate. Raoul sneezed and shook off a still clutching hand, Bugburz backed away, looking like he had just seen a ghost, and the two guards froze, afraid that they'd be next.

Thinking that they'd bolt soon, Bugburz pointed to the guards, then let his knees give way. Raoul wondered why the Orc seemed so frightened, but quickly dispatched the guards and snacked on them while he waited for his partner to compose himself.

Said without much breath ---> "Do you know what that was, Raoul?"

"That was us saving each other's lives?"

Bugburz stood up, looking especially agitated. "Nar! That choking mist! We just killed a powerful spirit! I mean, you just killed a powerful spirit! I didn't know what I was doing! You killed it, not me!"

"What's the matter with you? It's dead now. Can't hurt us anymore. How's your face?"

"Garn! Nevermind my face! You killed those two guards? Good! You thought we were in trouble before! Now we'll have worse things after us!"

"Why do you say that? What, was he some kind of special Orc? You didn't seem to recognize him."

"I knew those two, but not this one. Who knows how many of them there are? I never thought I'd run into one! I kind of guessed that I was being told what to do by a few over the years. I probably was when I stayed here before the war."

"You're babbling, Bugburz. Why don't you just relax? Calm down. You said that you knew these two. Would it kill you to settle your stomach with a few bites?"

The Orc walked shakily over, then plopped down next to one of his old acquaintances. "Tough. He always looked like a tough one."

"That's better! That's the Bugburz I know! Eat some of that. Get some sleep. I don't think it's wise to stay here very long. Wouldn't want to run into anything else like that."

Bugburz nodded absentmindedly as he nibbled numbly. "Find an empty room and wait for me. It has to have a door and something we can block it with."

Raoul was still confused, but nodded and started looking, hoping that a good day's rest would be enough.

When Bugburz finally gave up trying to sleep for more than an hour without having nightmares, Raoul was still watching him, sitting between him and the door, starting to look a little sleepy, though. "It was a spirit, Raoul. An evil one. In disguise. They were given Orcs to command so we'd think we were taking orders from one of our own."

"Hm? You're awake? It's not time to go yet."

"Garn! You didn't hear a word I said! Yes, it's time to go! It's not my fault you stayed up all day! Let's go! I don't feel safe in here!" The Orc then began to unblock the door.

"I heard what you said, Bugburz. Who gave them Orcs to command? How do you know about this if - well, it sounds like it was supposed to be a trick - it was a trick?"

"You don't want to know about who gave them the Orcs to command in the first place. Believe me. Anyway, I just know, okay? He had that mist. You felt it, right? It wasn't just me, was it?"

"I felt the mist. Thought it was strange. Didn't think it was strange enough to turn white, though."

"Garn! I didn't turn white! I was being smart. You don't want things like that mad at you."

[YayGollum]

"Fine, fine. I'm afraid of evil spirits that look just like Orcs, who I am not afraid of. Happy?"

"Yes. Hm? Nar! Just don't kill any more bosses, alright? It's good that there weren't a lot left in this place. Noone will know."

"You worry too much. They can't be that bad if we killed it that easily."

The two argued some more while Bugburz rooted around to stock up on a few more supplies, then unblocked the main door. The clear night air relaxed them both after the memory of the mist. Bugburz found himself wondering if he'd be able to carry Raoul for very long.

"Ar! What's your problem with letting me ride you? I'm not that heavy!"

"I thought that you knew better. It's disrespectful. Orcs have enough endurance to walk for days. You probably have more endurance than me. Orcs usually only ride Wargs to look more fearsome. We are equals and should treat each other as equals."

After a little bit of automatic mumbling ---> "Huh. My feet still hurt, though."

"Stop whining so much! If your feet hurt, sit down until they don't! You know these mountains. Find a spring or something!"

Bugburz plopped down on some rock. "Too much work. I'll just sit."

While listening to the Orc grumble a little more and gulp down half a bottle of some foul-smelling drink ---> "You should hurry up with that. I think I hear someone coming."

Bugburz stowed the bottle back in some pack, then looked like he was about to dart away. When he heard a noise, too, he nodded and started swiftly and silently loping ahead while trying to make himself as small a target as possible.

Raoul almost laughed at the sight, but reprimanded himself and followed. When they found nice little hidey-hole, they waited. Raoul tried to catch up on some sleep while Bugburz stood at the entrance with an arrow ready.

Take a wild guess at what Bugburz saw when whatever it was that they heard walked by. Yes, it was a human. A nasssty and evil and boring and way too popular and overpopulating human. The thing wandered off after a while. Raoul had fallen asleep.

Bugburz snuck out and shot the guy in the back, then went down to try finding where it came from. There were a few other hunters around who didn't see him but were killed, too. You can see by now how noble Bugburz is, right? Humans are evil. After a while (I'm not a great expert on distances) he ran into their city.

Guess where it was. Yes, in Lothlorien. It would be a great place for humans to live now that the evil elves have left. Oh. My stories are set a little more into the future. Not a huge deal. Bugburz had never been in the forest, but he knew where it was and decided that the humans and elves were getting to be good friends again.

That sickened him and he had no reason to be there anyways, so he left. There were a lot more hunters around since they'd noticed a few deaths. Bugburz had't been counting on this many being out so late at night. He eventually had to climb a tree. He was just thinking of coming back down when he heard a scream a while away. Humans came scurrying from directions he hadn't noticed them hanging out in.

Just after heaving a sigh of relief that he hadn't gone down yet, he remembered Raoul. "Too bad. He was fun." When he saw the Warg being herded by laughing humans with spears and swords and things, though, he felt what might have been called a twinge of guilt for leaving the guy.

Bugburz made his way back down and followed the humans stealthily. They planned to torture the Warg to find the locations of others. Pretty informal torturing. They were mostly having fun. The humans in charge were asleep. There were a few torches still lit. Most were held by the hunters, though.

Bugburz had plenty of arrows. The humans had a surprise waiting for them when they awoke. Probably some confusion, too. Oh, all of these talented hunters got killed by one Warg and one Orc? The two laughed about most of what I just wrote. They had to toss excuses at each other for why they were both in danger, though.

They decided that humans tasted better than Orcs and trolls. Bugburz found a spring while being lazy, too. Fangorn was ahead. Bugburz wondered if the humans had been able to tame the forest. He hoped not, but confused himself when he remembered that he hated the forest, too. Raoul decided that the humans had probably taken over anyways. There were plenty of small villages to snack from every night.

They were content until they reached the edge of Fangorn. It had been cut away over the years. It wasn't as wild and dangerous and mysterious looking. There were quite a few villages nearby that smelled like it. The two almost felt sorry for the forest. They decided that travelling through it was safer than getting too close to the humans.

The two kept to the edges of the forest since Bugburz knew not to try his luck at going straight through no matter how populous the humans had become. There was plenty to drink. They never had to go far to find a town with humans. After a night of successful hunting of a few humans, Raoul made himself comfortable in the roots of a tree --->

"Why don't we just stay in this forest, Bugburz? I still don't know why you're so afraid of it. You're afraid of everything!"

Bugburz stopped stalking around to find a comfortable spot so he could look at Raoul with all kinds of annoyance. "Garn, Warg! It's sensible! You never heard any stories up there? Fangorn ate Orcs back in the war. At least I think they were Orcs. Might have been some of those Uruk-Hai maggots."

"A forest can't eat Orcs, Bugburz. I lived in the forests in the foothills of the Misty Mountains my whole life. Not threatening at all. This place doesn't look much different. It's just a little bigger."

"Nar! It's spirits again! Nobody's too sure about this place. I think it's spirits. Disguised as trees here. I've never seen one, but it was told that an army walked into this forest and never came out. The humans have beaten it back, but not enough. I'd burn the whole thing down if I could!"

"What do you care if you don't like other Orcs? Or Uruk-Hai maggots, as you call them. It sounds like a story somebody told you just to scare you. Doesn't seem too hard. Who believes in trees that eat people?"

"I do! I've seen stranger things. And Nar! I don't care that it ate them! I'm just looking out for us. Humans have to cut trees down all the time. When they get into the heart of this forest, they'll see what I'm talking about!"

"Sure, sure. Whatever you say, Bugburz. Are all Orcs this superstitious? oh well. If you're always so careful, why are we going to Mordor? Is this secret path you're taking me to so secret that these humans couldn't have found it by now?"

"Garn! Don't believe me! You wouldn't walk into the heart of Fangorn, either! And I'm not sure about the path. It's not a secret. It's just the way I went before. We'll be careful."

"I'll bet. oh well. Why should I walk any deeper into the forest? The humans live outside. I haven't seen anything to hunt inside the whole time we've been here."

"That's better! It's best not to tempt the tree spirits. Or to eat the Orc looking ones!"

"Uh, huh. I feel really bad now."

"Garn! You aren't asleep yet?"

After going back and forth a few more times, they started to settle down for sleep. Bugburz, who was still a little nervous about sleeping there, woke up not too early in the day when he heard a wagon passing by. After flattening himself to the ground, he saw the thing a while away. It seemed strange to him that it was heading into the forest, so he followed from a distance. Until he remembered not to leave Raoul again.

[YayGollum]

"Do you always have to wake me up at all hours? Is that some Orc thing? Do you ever sleep? What is it?"

"Not so loud! You can sleep if you want to. I'm just following this wagon."

"Fine. I don't care. Need sleep. Superstitious Orc."

Bugburz then ran in his crazy looking way of running. With his sword out this time. He and the wagon ended up a little too far into Fangorn for his liking. There was a huge walled city larger than any of the villages outside. Since he never got too close the wagon, he hadn't noticed that it had been on a road the whole time.

Shaking his head in disbelief, he walked sleepily back to the tree he left Raoul at. He got lost on the way. I'm not trying to copy the Old Forest and I don't want to make Bugburz's tracking skills look bad. So how should I do this? Oh, okay.

Bugburz, a little too sleepy after running for a while, tripped on a root and grumbled about having to get up again. He dragged himself over to lean against a tree, but didn't get much peace since a giant eagle whooshed by. It expertly dodged every tree, which made Bugburz a little dizzy. After clearing his head of the dizziness, he shot an arrow at the thing. It hit a tree.

Well, they both did. The giant eagle had to swerve and hit its back. Bugburz marched up to retrieve his arrow, then pointed his sword at the downed and giant eagle. The thing shook it's head, then launched itself at Bugburz, who yelped and ran up a tree from which he shot more arrows. Raoul showed up, looking hungry and tired and annoyed.

"Nice shot! That thing tore past me back there. Woke me up. Don't let it get away!"

Bugburz hopped out of the tree, intending to land on Raoul's back, but remembered at the last minute that he'd probably get killed for it. He grabbed for the tree, but only ended up knocking his arm in a weird way and landing on his head since Raoul moved anyways. "What are you doing to yourself, Bugburz? I'll go on ahead. It definitely looks tasty!"

While the Warg loped off, Bugburz sat and nursed his head and arm for a while. Lots of ranting. He walked with his head held high since he had embarrassed himself and didn't care what anyone thought of him. "Dumb Warg and his sensitive back! Garn! Why am I even following him? There are all kinds of humans to eat! We don't need some bird! Humans are easier."

Raoul found Bugburz thanks to his constant streams of rants. "There you are! I just gave up on following the thing. He stirred up a lot when he passed by, though. You could always track him, right?"

"Nar! Too much work. Let's stick to humans. We're too close to the center of this place. I don't even know why we've stayed this long!" The Orc brushed himself off and tried pointing himself in the right direction. "Which way did we come?"

"What? You're the tracker, not me. I was just chasing the thing, not marking trees as I passed."

"Garn! It's too early to be tracking! Wait here." He then hiked his way up another tree with difficulty to find where the evil sun was. He remembered not to try jumping down this time. "Follow me. This is the fastest way out. That wagon went to a city. We'll go around the quick way. Tomorrow, alright?"

The two found another place to rest, then collapsed. Later that night and when they were a little more refreshed, but Bugburz's arm and head still hurt, they started off again. At one point, they ran into a clearing full of huge stumps and one very strange looking tree that reminded them of a very natural scarecrow.

Not too much later, they heard voices. Since they were hungry, they approached cautiously, but only found the same giant eagle perched on a tree. The eagle seemed to be talking to itself until another voice came from the tree it was perched on. Bugburz's eyes widened and he started smacking Raoul with his shield. "Ar! What'd I tell you! It's a tree spirit! We should keep away from both of those things!"

"Don't get scared so easily, Bugburz. It could just be some kind of trick. Oh, you can't shoot the eagle, can you? Don't you have any unpoisoned arrows? That would be smart."

"It's not a trick! Look at that tree it's on! It's got eyes and arms and legs and a mouth! That other one we saw must have been a dead one. A warning from the humans to the spirits. I told you they'd get too close! They're probably planning to kill the humans right now! Let's go!"

Raoul allowed himself to be herded away, but he still wanted to taste the giant eagle. They contented themselves with a few human hunters on the other side of the city. When they finally got to the edge of the forest, all they could see was mostly rolling hills. No protection anywhere. Raoul looked at Bugburz expectantly. "So? What's your great plan for getting past all of these humans?"

"Well, actually, I only got across the first time with a larger group of Orcs. With lots of weapons. Back when there weren't so many humans."

"Great. Thanks a lot. Have you done some recruiting that I don't know about?"

"Nar! I got back by hiding in the back of wagon! I hid in Mordor for a while. Humans were coming in and out all the time. Plenty of wagons. One was carrying slaves. It was easy to hide my face and jump out when I was able."

"Oh, now it's so much easier! We'll just wait for someone to deliver some slaves to Mordor! I'm sure that happens all the time! I'll easily pass for a human slave!"

"Well, I guess I should have thought of it a little longer, then."

"Really? Oh, you're so bright!"

"Garn! You're the one who wanted to stay here! Go ahead! It'll be easier for me to go alone!"

"No, Bugburz. You won't get rid of me that easily. You always have to be safe, right? No need to get rid of me, then. This problem requires brains, not luck, this time. I'm a little big, but I think I could hide in a wagon. Probably not disguised as a human slave, but hiding under something, maybe."

Bugburz almost smiled, but sat down and started to think instead. "Nar! I have a better idea! It's still dark. If we walk far enough, we're bound to run into another bunch of humans! I wouldn't be surprised if one's right behind one of these hills! You're about the right size. We skin a cow. You're in disguise. I have my own disguise with me."

Raoul, with an achingly obvious grin ---> "Oh, but don't you remember? You're not good at skinning. We'll just have to think of something else, eh?"

Bugburz threw his hands in the air, hurt his injured arm again, then remembered and glared at the Warg. "Eh. Lead on, Warg!"

They quietly conversed about the Orcish and Wargian (that's what I'll stick with) religions on the way. Just as Bugburz suspected, another town was on the other side of a hill. There were outposts on a couple of the hills nearby, though, that they had to sneak around to avoid. When they found a herd of cows, they sat and wondered how they could kill one without stirring up too much noise.

Raoul stayed away while Bugburz walked up to a sleeping cow almost as big as the average Warg. He slit the thing's throat, then knocked it over. Most of the other cows were asleep, but a few wandered sleepily off when this one fell. Bugburz hadn't been lying about not being good at skinning. It was by no means perfect, but it was good enough for him.

Raoul complained. The smell wasn't very nice. The Orc draped the skin on him. It didn't fit very comfortably, but it hung well enough to fool someone from a distance. Bugburz couldn't drag the meat over for him, and he didn't want to startle the cows. They sat and snacked on bits that Bugburz could drag over. Before it got to be too early in the morning, they ran off, leaving about half a cow and all kinds of bloody trails. Bugburz put on his disguise of a large and black cloak that twenty-seven thousand people might where and that hid his face and hands and things.

They slept in the shadow of a hill from which they could see no outposts or towns or anything. Any human who might have passed by during the day only saw what they thought was a poor old man and his only item of any value left in the world uncharacteristically lying on it's side. Maybe the cow was dead. They couldn't tell and knew better than to approach the smell.

[YayGollum]

That was how they got through Rohan. There were plenty of other herds of cattle for them to snack from. Lots of humans, too. When they were almost through, though, a group of humans who had apparently been tracking them from town to town finally caught up with them one morning. The two were sleepy and just settling down with full stomachs.

They got surrounded. Bugburz wouldn't have gotten far with his sword or bow. Spears were right in their faces. They thought that they'd get captured and tortured like the time before, but these humans seemed to be concentrating a little more on revenge. Silly little things like ---> "You ate my daughter!" Or ---> "That was a prize winning bull!"

Ignoring the humans behind him, Bugburz pulled the skin off Raoul and heaved it at the humans in front of him. Before the ones behind him could do anything about it, Raoul leaped over them and started to look scarily impressive. You know. Pouncing and slashing and clubbing and shredding. Bugburz ran at the ones covered in the skin with his sword. The skin got ruined. A few humans ran away, but Bugburz shot them down.

They had had fun, but they were too sleepy and knew that they had to get out of Rohan soon. Walking in the middle of the day wasn't too fun for Bugburz. The cloak helped, though. They finally stopped when they ran into a river. Raoul washed the sickening smell off himself. Bugburz had been headed straight for the ruins of Osgiliath, but all of the towns they ran into made him veer a little to the east. The Dead Marshes were close.

Bugburz knew better than to try running around in there, though. They skirted around the area. Still plenty to eat. The humans had become so numerous that they had small villages near the marshes. Bugburz ran out of supplies after a while, though, and had to share what they caught. When they got to Osgiliath in a roundabout way, Bugburz was surprised to see that it had been rebuilt. He should have been able to figure that out after all of the other humans they'd run into now that I think about it. oh well.

He knew that trying to get into Mordor would be a lot harder, but he led Raoul in as straight a line as he could manage with all of the humans around. In a town not too far away from Mordor and not too far away from Osgiliath, they ran into a pack of thieves. A very strangely diverse group. Black humans and swarthy humans and Uruk-Hai and Orcs.

The two watched the group as they efficiently emptied a storehouse of all kinds of supplies. They followed the group into Mordor. There were human guards and things that were supposed to be watching, but the group of thieves had very exact and well-timed movements and paths.

When Raoul and Bugburz tried to follow, though, a couple of guards noticed the Warg's size and starting shouting for help and shooting arrows. Bugburz stepped up with his shield while they forgot about being cautious and ran to keep up with the group.

When the group saw that they'd been spotted and figured that the guards would find them soon since these two new people were running right at them, they burst out of hiding and attacked. It was quick and quiet, and they wasted no time in getting back to their secret paths to avoid the incoming guards. The two were told to keep quiet and follow without question.

There were none of the gates or well-beaten Orc paths that Bugburz remembered. just a lot of sneaking and weaving in and out of sight. After travelling until it was almost dawn, they stopped at an old and almost toppled stronghold. The thieves tossed all of the supplies into a storeroom, then herded the friends up some stairs and into a throne room looking place.

Guess who they saw there? This is fun. It was the Mouth Of Sauron. A lot older by now, though. Still looking sharp and intelligent and full of himself. "Identify yourselves. You are Remnants Of Evil called here to be in my service. My Remnants Of Evil must be loyal to me at all times."

Raoul was fed up with this guy already and started to growl low in his throat. Bugburz cowered and hid behind his shield, though. He had heard stories about the Mouth Of Sauron, but had never actually seen him or heard his voice. "Bugburz, uh, boss! This is my friend - er, Warg, Raoul."

Raoul nodded with satisfaction when he was called the Orc's friend, but his eyes blazed when he was called his Warg. He couldn't really help pouncing on the Orc, but refrained from ripping his throat out or anything. Bugburz closed his eyes and expected death from one of these people, but the Mouth Of Sauron started to laugh.

"From what part of Middle Earth do you two hail? I have never seen such a thing! Orcs are designed to take orders. Nothing more. You have changed, Bugburz. Raoul, was it? You will be renamed. You must be subservient to Orcs. Bugburz will name you. Now, there will be no more of this unnatural and rebellious nature out of either of you! Take them to their quarters. They will be trained tomorrow evening."

The thieves bowed and herded the two back down to the soldiers' barracks. Raoul didn't fit very well. They moved him out to the training grounds in small and courtyard looking place.

When it just started to get light outside, Bugburz was feeling miserable stuck in a room and having to sleep anywhere near these people. Especially the Uruk-Hai types. Including the small group of thieves, there were only about fourty or fifty Remnants Of Evil. Bugburz got to sleep after staying up a little later since he was a little uneasy.

Raoul was used to sleeping outside and in the cold by now, but without Bugburz anywhere nearby, it seemed much colder. He felt a little bad about having pounced on the Orc earlier, but he knew that it was just a reaction. He wondered about the changing of names he had to deal with.

He had noticed how readily Bugburz decided to show his loyalty to this new boss. Even though it was just some old human. He hoped that his friend wouldn't become so evil just because of a little intimidation. He went to sleep with all kinds of bad dreams since he saw the Mouth Of Sauron watching him at one point.

The training they were being ordered to go through was more like torture for him than training. Bugburz was used to it. The supplies they had seen the thieves stealing were used to make tasteless food for all of them. Even though it sustained him, Raoul missed hunting humans and thought about eating the Mouth Of Sauron.

He learned better. It seemed like this strange human could read his thoughts every now and then. He was always kept away from Bugburz. He tried to get anywhere near the Orc, but he was always detained and punished. Bugburz seemed nothing like himself and never even looked at Raoul.

There was no socialization. The training never ended. He was being brainwashed. It almost got to him, but the Mouth Of Sauron left with almost half of his Remnants after a couple of months. Raoul wasn't chained or anything, but a guard was set for him.

Bugburz usually stayed inside, but the night after their boss left, the Orc showed up to bring some food out for the guards and their prisoner. Raoul was actually afraid to talk to him since his eyes looked so dead. He forced his meal down, then started to think about taking a nap when the guards collapsed and Bugburz ran over with a couple of full packs of supplies. "Let's get out of here, Raoul! I poisoned all of the food! The boss will have a big surprise when he comes back, eh?"

just before pouncing on the Orc with all kinds of relief and almost licking him ---> "Eh! Yes, let's get out of here! Put those packs on me! I almost feel like letting your ride me! Don't push your luck. Oh, I actually thought that Mouth guy got to you!"

"See, noone gives me enough credit! Garn! Mordor is almost as bad as it used to be. Think if we went back to the Misty Mountains, they'd still be mad? We could always find an empty cave near some humans."

"Yes, humans that would eventually find us, you know. I think it's time for something different."

"Lead on, Warg!"

[Lotesse]

So... basically, this entire thread is all about you, yay go you, and whatever it is you've been writing here? You know, there's a place for this sort of self-expression, and it's called a personal blog. On a messsage-board, the key is OTHER PEOPLE'S INVOLVEMENT. I'm just sayin'. so, yay. Or whatever.

[OldHippie]

deleted byOH

[Lotesse]

You got to the third line? Seriously?

[OldHippie]

Deleted by OH

[YayGollum]

Hm? Whoops! Is not this place called Writer's Workshop the place for such things? I was directed to stick such things here. Those were merely a few things that I wrote a while ago. No offense was intended or sought after.

Anyways, got it. Message board = other people's involvement. Well, I've gotten some constructive criticism on what to post here. Constructive criticism on the stories would be nice. Mayhaps I should have asked for it in the first post. *hides* oh well. No large deal. If the thread shouldn't exist, I am certain that a moderator can get rid of it. If not, it is meant to entertain.

[OldHippie]

Just yankin yourchain Yay, commence writing.

[Lotesse]

Nobody is "achingly unique." Please. What would be unique would be fanfic that's bearable enough to read for more that one line, that'd be pretty achingly unique, indeed. YayGollum, I've news for you, baby, there's no writer's forum referee and judge around here, and it is a rare, rare thing indeed when mooters get feedback from their fellows upon individually submitted stuff, but most especially when it comes in an avalanche from a brand-new mooter whom no one knows yet, in threads built for himself starring only himself and his lengthy fanfiction. So, that's my feedback on your writing...[


What I'd do were I you, is get to know the lay of the land a bit first around here, then submit small excerpts in small doese in an already established thread for submitting bits of writing. See how people respond to that, in digestible doses they can quickly and comfortably read, rather than heap ten tons of hogwash over their heads and try and convince them it's rosewater cognac. You gotta think of your audience, man!

Now this here, this I like. [IMG][link removed, attempt to evade filter. Watch it Lotesse, this is still a PG-13 board - Moderator]