The Jokes Thread

[Aragorn]

This thread is for jokes only.

The INS, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

First, the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Next, the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Finally, the INS goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 'Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.'

[Aragorn]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were one there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Aragorn]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Aragorn]

The Godfather and his attourney go to his accountants office. The Godfather asks the accountant.

"Where's the money you embezzled(sp?) from me?"

The accountant doesn't answer and the attourney says.

"He's a deaf mute. I'll sign for him."

The attourney signs the question. The accountain signs back saying.

<I don't know what you're talking about.>

The attourney repeats what the accountaint signed. The Godfather takes out his pistol and aims it at the accountant's head and says again.

"Where's the ****ing money?!"

The attourney signs the question again and the accountain signs back.

<Alright, alright, it's in a suitcase behind my shed in my backyard! Don't shoot me, please!>

The attourney turns to The Godfather and says.

"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Sister Golden Hair]

There were two babies laying in their cribs in the hospital nursery. The one baby says to the other, "Are you a boy baby or a girl baby?" The other baby answers,"I don't know." Then the first baby says,"I'm a boy baby." The other baby says, "How do you know you're a boy baby?" The first baby throw back the blanket and points saying "Look down there. Blue booties."

[galadriel88]

*I hope this isn't offensive to any blondes out there, but I'm a blonde too and I don't care. They're still funny. *

Two blondes were driving to Disneyworld. They saw a giant billboard that said: "Disneyworld: Left." So they turned around and went home.

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were about to be shot to death. First it was the redhead's turn. The man said, "Do you have any last words?" The girl said,"Tornado!" Everyone looked away and she escaped. Then it was the brunette's turn. When asked if she had any last words, she said, "Hurricane!" Everyone looked away and she escaped. Finally, it was the blonde's turn. The man said, "Do you have any last words?" The blonde goes, "Fire!"

A blonde walked into an electronics store. She walked up to the counter and said, "I'd like to buy that T.V. in the window." the man replied, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." Mad, she walks out of the store. the next day she comes back wearing a redhead wig and repeats her request. Again the man tells her that they do not sell to blondes. The day after that, she comes back, this time wearing a brunette wig, repeats her request, and is told that they do not sell to blondes. Finally, she takes off her wig and says, "I give up. How did you know I'm a blonde?" "Simple," says the man. "that's not a T.V., it's a microwave."

[Sister Golden Hair]

A man walks into a store and asks the cashier if he has any gwapes

he says no

the guy says ok and leaves

he comes back the next day and says got any gwapes?

the cashier says no, I don't have any grapes

so the guy leaves and he comes back the next day and ask do you have any gwapes?

he says no and if you ask me again, I'm gonna nail you to the floor.

guy leaves and comes back the next day and ask,
do you have any nails?

Cashier says no

he says good, got any gwapes?

[fireworks19]

I heard that one, but it was a duck....=)

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

[fireworks19]

Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the V.A.
He soon received this reply from the V.A.: "We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.: "Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles--almost as careful as the V.A.--took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.
f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title to that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question."

[athelas]

Here's another of those really stupid blonde jokes: (sorry...no offence meant, all u blondes out there...)

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Stupid, I know. But I just can't help reading these sometimes.

[emplynx]

A warning on a bottle of Rosie Gamgee's fertility pills,
"Caution-May be hobbit forming."

[spidersbane]

A brunette is standing by the side of a busy freeway counting "76, 76, 76, 76,..." over and over. So a blond walks up and watches awhile then asks what the brunette is doing. She says "I am counting, and its alot of fun, you should try it."
So the blond starts saying "76, 76, 76," untill the brunette says "It's more fun to try to dodge cars while you do it." So the blonds stands out in the feeway, dodging cars untill WHAM! She get hit and is killed. Meanwhile the brunette on the side of the road starts counting "77, 77, 77..."

[Reverie]

I guess this is more of a riddle :

Why do monkeys fling poop?

Because it's fun

I know

There are 2 biscuits in an oven
One turns to the other and says: We're burning up, let's get outta here!
The other says: Holy sh*t! A talking biscuit!

Ok one more...

Why do elephants paint multicolored spots all over their bodies?
So they can hide in gumball machines...don't believe me?
Have you ever seen an elephant in a gumball machine...no?

[fireworks19]

What did the Buddist say to the hot dog vendor?













"Make me one with everything."

[Aragorn]

There was this middle-aged man one day who loved golf. He would get up early every morning just to go golfing. One day it was pouring rain out. He got to the field but decided to go home because of it being so wet. He came home, climbed in his bed, turned to his wife, and said:

"It's pouring outside."

His wife responded:

"Yeah, can you believe my husband is out playing golf?"

[Dhagda Ioma]

What is brown and sticky?











A stick. Get it? Sticky? like a stick? HAHAHAH. Well..I thought it was funny.

I

[galadriel88]

This is an actual ad I saw in the personal section.

LOST: ONE GOLD RING
Family heirloom. Sentimental value. If you have information email me at darklord@mordor.com

[Laurelyn]

Funny. I especially like Galadriel88's.

[Alethes]

In the lobby of a hotel, a group of men who belonged to a chess club were discussing their recent tournament victories. The manager of the hotel then came out of his office and asked the men to leave. When they asked why, the manager answered, "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer".

[Eowyn, The Lioness]

A blind guy walks into a bar and says "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The Bartender looks at him and says"Mr.,I'm blonde,the woman wrestler sitting next to you is blonde, and the piano player is blonde. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second and says"Nah, I don't wanna have to reapeat it 3 or 4 times over"

Sorry to any blondes out there!