Family Dynamics: Widower, Daughter - and Other Women

[Valandil]

In a hypothetical family including a widowed father and a teen/young adult daughter - is it common for this daughter to resist the notion of their father re-marrying, and even show hostility toward potential future step-mothers?

If so - does the daughter see herself filling the role of her deceased mother, and feel threatened by other women who might supplant her?

I just watched a movie which included this type of conflict. And actually - I have some family history like this that I wasn't around to witness. My mom lost her own mother (and a newborn baby brother) at the age of 2. My mom also has a sister, 6 years older than herself. As I understand it, some years later my grandfather was initiating a close relationship with another women. I don't know exact timeframe, but my mother must have been at the very least 8-9, making my aunt at least 14-15 - and they may have been older. My grandfather asked his daughters what they thought. My mom was shy about it and didn't say much. But my aunt voiced her opposition. That was the last my mom ever saw of this other lady.

Some years later (and less than 2 months after my birth) my grandfather died, still a widower. When my mom told me about this whole episode, she related her own guilty feelings - wondering if her bashfulness had given the other lady the wrong idea and sent her away. It's clear to me though that it was my aunt's opposition that sealed the deal (rather - no deal). I'd never ask my aunt about it. I rarely see her anyway - and she's in her early 80's now.

So - I'm curious. Have any of you seen this type of thing develop, among family or friends? Anyone been an active participant (one of those three key characters) in such a conflict?

Also - I'm even toying with this as part of a potential future storyline idea, and want to understand it better.

Thank you.

[Rían]

Remarriage is complex, it seems. The only experience I have is my friend Linda. Linda's mom died when Linda was in her mid-40s with 3 kids. Linda's dad remarried, and Linda and her sister (also married with kids) were not thrilled about it, even though the lady was fairly universally thought to be quite nice. They've tried to make the best of it, but I think they would have MUCH preferred if he hadn't remarried. The sad thing is that this new wife didn't honor some very simple things that would have made things a lot smoother, like over who gets a piano. Linda's mom had promised Linda's daughter her piano when she passed away one day, and when Linda's dad remarried, the new wife liked the piano and decided to keep it. Really stupid, IMO - this is your step-granddaughter, fer cryin' out loud! Give her her dead grandmother's piano and get yourself another one!

As far as hearsay, I hear that men tend to remarry, and women don't as much. I hear several reasons - men remarry because they like (and are used to) being taken care of (let's face it - women do more around the house), while women are relieved to only have to take care of one! Also, of course, there are more widows than widowers, so the widowers will tend to be snapped up.

My mother-in-law was the child of a second marriage - her dad's first wife died with childbirth complications, and he remarried. It was fairly common even back then for women to die in childbirth, and second wives were fairly common, from what I've heard. Now that death in childbirth has gone down so drastically, things are very different.

[Varnafindë]

I was 19 when my mother died (aged 49), and my sister (who is adopted) was 9.
My father remarried 3 years later.

I guess it's not so much a question of the daughter seeing herself filling the role of her deceased mother, and fighting to keep that role - it certainly wasn't in my case, although I did fill some parts of that role at times.

I think it's more likely to be a question of seeing someone else taking the role of one's mother, and resenting this as a slight against her memory. My stepmother has hardly ever talked to me about my mother - I wonder if she has been more worried about that kind of question than necessary. It is her first and only marriage.

We get on reasonably well - we're very different, though. I don't see them often, as they live in a different part of the country, but I phone my Dad every week. They are now in their eighties, and have been married for 35 years. I used to visit them in the summer, but she is now not well enough to take visitors any more.

I think it was good for my Dad to remarry. He would have been very lonely to have been on his own for all those years. I don't see his second marriage as a slight to my mother's memory - he had no obligation to stay unmarried as a widower, he fulfilled his obligations to my mother by living faithfully with her (and loving her very much) till death parted them. After her death, we felt as if we were starting a different life, one without her - and in that second life he was also free to enter a second marriage.

[Earniel]

I don't have any experience with this situation. (The men usually died earlier in the family and no remarriages with kids involved took place.) But I have the feeling that in most cases the daughter won't resent being replaced as the lady of the household as much as having to content with a new 'mother'.

[Nerdanel]

i think this might also really depend on the relationships within the family. does the mother have a role that the daughters have been taught will also be their role in the future? nowadays, at least among the people i know, there isn't a "the father will provide and the mother take care of the house" thing. maybe if both parents are providing and taking care of the house, there isn't necessarily a role that specifically daughters will feel would be theirs, and is now taken away from them.

and i do agree with eä here - i would think, but have no evidence for this, that if children have a problem with their parents remarrying, it's because they feel like their dead parents are being replaced by someone who, naturally (from their perspective), is inferior. it's certainly strange for me to think that people would want to inherit their dead parent's role in the house - although i know such things have been encouraged in the past, when there had to be a "man" to fix things and put food on the table, and a "woman" to cook that food and pop out babies.

[Midge]

Not getting into this too deeply (and you'll see what I mean), there's an example of this in Hannah Montana (yes, the disney show).

Miley's mother has been gone only a few years (I don't know how long exactly but I gather it's maybe 2-3) and her dad decides to date again. The episode is about Miley going out of her way to "investigate" this terrible woman and the reason she cites is that she can't believe her father would ever want to replace her mother.

Take it or leave it, as it's Disney, but that might be another reason for the estrangement between mother-less daughters and stepmothers.