LotR Humor

[Acalewia]

I found this while cleaning papers out of some folders in my closet. It was published shortly after the Two Towers was released.


SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II by Dave Barry.

Scene 1
FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!
SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to overact?
FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!
SAMWISE: But who will guide us?
FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?
SAMWISE: Dick Cheney's in this movie?
GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbit-breath.

Scene 2
LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions-- Legolas, the Strangly Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf-- in our subplot, we are pursueing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose daughter, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secertly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!
LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking sbout.
LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script.
GIMLI: Well, I'm really short!
(Laughter)
LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for oe of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!
LEGOLAS: Also, they have hand-to-hand combat skills of alfalfa.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Scene 3
MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!
PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!
TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat!

Scene 4
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
SWORDS: CLANG!CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Scene 5
FRODO: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?
GOLLUM: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels.

Scene 6
LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legola and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also know as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Urik-hai in a giant computer-generated battle.
LEGOLAS: Now you're just making stuff up.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.
GIMLI: I'm still short!
(Laughter)

Scene 7
FRODO: Uh-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you know what that means?
SAMWISE: Taht "Weasel Feet" would be a good name for a rock band?
FRODO: Yes, as would "Kung-Fu Trees" and "Combat Alfalfa." But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be...
SAMEWISE: No! Not that!
FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.




From a Humor Article called Gadzooks, Beefbag, why can't you lose the Ring in the sink by Dave Barry. 2002, Arkansas-Democrat Gazette