The Da Cindy Code

[hectorberlioz]

Apology: If this text seems to be too sincere in some areas, please realize: I AM NOT the one who believes it; the NARRATOR is. Ok, that's clear enough I think...


“The Da Cindy Code”

Dear reader, you, like I, have always assumed that Cinderella was an angelic beauty who only wanted to be happy and good.
I am about to slam that notion. You and I could not help ourselves when we were naive children believing our parents’ false perceptions, but now the real story can be told, for I hold in my possession, five old unbootable manuscripts that couldn’t possibly have been written by anyone lesser than Shakespeare himself
Don’t be disappointed with my results, for though I may rip apart centuries of comfortable belief, there is much better truth to be learned from the real story.

The first document illustrates a point which quickly asserts its authority: it suggests that the supposedly evil stepmother was in fact older than portrayed in the Disney film, which is nothing but a heap of sanctimonious rubbish that tries to push lies on us. Just the mere fact that the stepmother is older says something also about the two stepsisters’ age as well. They were probably in their sixties about the time the time the movie supposed to portray. This suggests that Cinderella obviously taken under-wing from her ill-fated father, whose death she caused, is also older than Disney film wants us to believe. She must have been about forty-five.
Right away the stepsisters were rightly jealous, who wouldn’t be?

Document No.1 suggests that in a sentence of dialogue: “for thy fingers nimbler than needles, sister” that the speaker, one the stepsisters, thought Cindy’s sewing sloppy, and expresses this with sarcasm. Document no.2 in my collection confirms this describing “a hard draft came strongly through the open window, and rent the curtains apart.”

Of course Cindy didn’t know sewing properly, nor, as I will show you, much of anything else practical. Her talents lay elsewhere…

The largest source for her life comes from document no.4, which is titled “The Life of a Girl’s Time Misspent in Quandary”.

In an amazing ten pages we learn that Cindy was a child who always got her way, and despite having everything a girl should need, never tired of pestering her father to spend more money than he ought. At 16 she was sent to a proper boarding school, which she did not appreciate at all. According to all sources, she spent hours bugging her teachers with stupid questions.

Now I reveal a really ghastly revelation: when her father betrothed her to a rich friend of his. Sir Robert Bumbloomblendenerrendom*, she reportedly stamped Sir Robert’s hands with her spiked boots. These were boots that her father had given her for last Christmas, and for which he paid a good sum.
Sir Robert had been kneeling down to pick up his monocle when she did this.
Cindy’s behavior, though mildly reprimanded, was forgotten that very day. Indeed, Sir Robert seemed readily forgiving, eager to impress the father that he was a good man.

She never did marry Sir Robert of course, and she was allowed to run around with whomever she chose. She picked up the sport of smashing baby birds when they hatched out. And when the mother birds cried in protest, she poisoned all the worms on the ground.

Then one fatal day, father drives back from town, where he’d just made a string of bad deals, and his cart is run off the road into the ditch. The horse falls on him, and at home in bed for four days, after receiving bad news of his deals, he dies.

Let’s admit it people, living with your stepmother is no cruel thing. In fact, Cindy wanted to live with her, because she knew she could control them and their property.
Ironically the domineering attitude of Cindy has been lumped on her stepmother and sisters, as well as a reversal of who did all the household chores. According to document no.4, Cindy found it a “delight to see the sweat trickling down their furrowed brows”.
She was only human.
Quite obviously Cinderella’s behavior is going to be considered radical, but she showed us the truth. Her way of life renewed and may still renew vitality.

The man who made Cinderella a victim was a French romantic poet by the name of Jean Lefebvre, who needed to write a conventional novel to make himself rich and famous. He purposefully distorted the truth for mere money. There are rumors that he was Disney’s great-great-great grandfather.

Lefebvre demonized the stepmother and sisters and portrayed Cindy, if not the mushy-mushy beauty of Disney, as a victim of society (for Lefebvre’s novel is more accurate as to Cindy’s social stance).

Slowly, over three more writers, Victor Hugo, Alexander Dumas fils, and Jean Paul Sartre, Cinderella acquired such things as a fairy-godmother, a pumpkin carriage, and mice friends, as well as increasing beauty.

One might not think of these three writers as likely vehicles for lies about the truth, but the real shocker is still to come, my friends.

The World Council of Churches (I shall call them the WCC from now on) has promoted the distorted version of Cinderella, and suppressed the truth because they don’t want you to know the truth. They have a monopoly through lies on the greatest things, people’s minds.
Hugo, Dumas fils, and Sartre were freedom fighters, who tried to wrest away from the power of the WCC, but alas! They were threatened with death when they first refused to write lies about the truth. The evidence suggests that Victor Hugo actually died twenty years before what we now know as his traditional death date. The WCC hired an impersonator to play Victor Hugo for twenty more years.

The WCC apperantly wanted Hugo dead because they didn’t want anyone to find out he had cookies under his mattress. Oh, but these were no ordinary cookies. They were inflected with marijuana. And the WCC wanted to keep this a secret so people wouldn’t sin, and have fun. Apperantly marijuana, as was discovered much later in freer times, reveals a state of mind that Cinderella must surely have been in at some point in time, and thus was dangerous to the WCC’s well being.

There are hidden Cinderella references in Dumas fils’ novel “Camilla”, a novel the WCC wanted to suppress, because they knew what Dumas fils was up to. Two extremists of the WCC were in fact, Satanists and had made several pacts with the devil. One of these was Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, and the other Nicolo Paganini. They called on Satan’s demons to come and afflict Dumas fils with disease so he couldn’t finish his next novel. History has not revealed whether this was because they were afraid of his tattle-telling or if they just didn’t like his novels.
And Jean Paul Sartre would have been the one who cracked the story if it hadn’t been for Claude Debussy. You may be familiar with Debussy’s opera “Pelleas et Melisande”, what you may not know is that it was written to drive Sartre to death.

Most people wonder why the music of the opera is so quiet. It’s because it was composed for people with sensitive hearing, people whose ears can pick up high frequencies.

At the first performance, a duchess’ dog howled in agony during the whole performance. (Reportedly, Stravinsky thought this dog’s howling was the music to be performed that night). This is because dogs have sensitive hearing indeed, and Sartre’s was this times three.

Needless to say, Sartre avoided the opera as long as could. But alas, fate catches up with you if you’re married to Debussy…or at least visited by him on very fishy pretences.
One night Debussy tied Jean Paul up and played the whole of “Pelleas et Melisande” on the lowest volume possible. (The WCC suppressed CD players back then too). Within an hour, Jean Paul Sartre was dead.

Once the Cinderella story was burned into people’s minds via Disney’s film, the WCC slacked off just a bit. But still they killed off all those who wanted to tell the world the truth.
Robert Kennedy, Jacqueline du Pre, Gertrude Stein, Victor Maurel, Benji, and Sonny (of Sonny & Cher) were some of them. Today there are Yanni, Cher, Ben Affleck, Ted Kennedy, John Kerry and George W. Bush.

An anecdote about Kerry and Bush is very interesting. In the 2004 election debates, Kerry said that “W stands for Wrong”, and he wasn’t talking about Bush’s policies, which he secretly agrees with. He was referring bitterly to a memory of their study of cinderellian philosophy and folklore in college together. Bush was always lionizing the view that Cinderella was a victim, while Kerry always believed in the pre-Lefebvre lore. Both wrote award winning essays on the subject.
Bush believed Cinderella was actually an under-cover advocate of small oil companies, and that her stepmother held the opposing view, thus the big disruption in the family.

Kerry believed Cinderella had drunk from the fountain of youth (he believed the fountain of youth was in Massachusetts somewhere) and that Cindy was still alive, and most definitely NOT an advocate of small oil.

Bush and Kerry were also part of a secret college club that learned how to decode secret messages hidden in everyday things like newspaper ads, and political columns.

Cal Thomas, whom you may know as a conservative columnist, is in fact, an undercover Catholic, pretending to be a Protestant to promulgate the ideas of another undercover Catholic, Friedrich Nietzsche. He’s also the smartest when it comes to hiding secret messages in words, and not even half of his methods are known. But he does have a favorite method…

In every column of his, Thomas has a certain amount of THEs.
Bush and Kerry both know how to decipher these coded THEs’.
However many THEs there are in a certain column, let’s say five; you assign numbers to each letter. In this case, for the five THEs:

THE THE THE THE THE
123 456 789 10-11-12 13-14-15
And then convert the numbers to corresponding letters of the alphabet.

123456789 10-11-12-13-14-15
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO

Then, eliminate all the letters not used in the Latin alphabet, and try to unscramble all the letters to find Thomas’ hidden message.
This serious game has caused countless disputes among Kerry and Bush, who interpret things very differently.

Kerry, who is actually a Mormon, is the son of a Baptist minister who helped found the Southern Baptists convention. Bush and his family are actually Catholic and related to Mel Gibson.

When the Southern Baptists Convention announced its boycott of Disney, they were in fact protesting the Disney version of Cinderella, the real story which they knew, and preserved also in Mormon rites and children’s religious plays.

Mel Gibson was angered at the boycott; and more so at Bush for supporting it, when he was supposed to be a suppresser of truth. The results are that Gibson has now denounced Bush as a “tyrant”, and they are not on speaking terms.

The WCC’s power meanwhile was dwindled, and lacked the vitality it once had, mainly due to the fact that it was lead by pope John Paul (Sartre, reincarnated) the II.

But now, with the pope Benedict XVI (xvi is also a code, as I’ll explain later) in power, the WCC has regained some of its footing.
Pope Benedict was a student of cinderellian folklore and philosophy under the tutelage of Adolph Hitler, his father. When his father refused to teach him the dark arts of cinderellian witchcraft, he pushed his father out the window, as well as his father’s lover; thus ended the rule of Nazi Germany, with a son’s betrayal.

Benedict knew he would be suspected; so rather than take over his father’s reign; Benedict masqueraded as a Catholic priest, and finally was appointed Cardinal by John Paul II, who should have known better.

My readers should not expect me to lump all the assassination attempts and sickness that John Paul went through, on Cardinal Benedict. Despite their differences, they were friends of sorts.

All that attempting to kill John Paul II was instigated by another man desperate to become pope, Saddam Hussein. Both Bush presidents knew what was going on, hence the trouble with/ and capture of Saddam. And here the present pope’s numbers can be interpreted. X is the 24th letter, V the 22nd, and I the 9th. Add them up 24+22+9=55, the number of cars Saddam Hussein had parked in his palace garage. Pope Benedict was sending Saddam a message, mocking his position as a prisoner. As you may know, Saddam had a love for motor vehicles, and this reminder was simply a ploy to anger Saddam, to push his nerves and behavior over the edge so the judge would be more inclined to sentence him to death.
Cinderella, according to document 2, named one of her sons Maddas, which is Saddam spelt backwards. Saddam, who obviously knew his Cinderella lore, was considered among other Cinderella scholars as “too radical”. All the women in his harem, for instance, were cinderellian witches. Some very good sources suggest Saddam’s lineage goes back to Cinderella…

There is evidence to suggest that Cinderella prophesied the births of Saddam, Bush jr., Laura Bush (we don’t know why, perhaps she has a big role to play yet) and all of The Beatles, except Ringo, though for some reason, she did prophesy about Pete Best.
In Document No.4 for instance, she writes to her son “Husband and Wife will hide in the bushes, Maddas, but do not bother the Foursome, for the lousy drum will sound.”

The two stepsisters were also big influences in their day, though not on the level of Cinderella. But they did make at least one lasting mark in one area: they invented the predecessor of the pretzel.

Cinderella also started some rituals that have kept elements of her truth alive: belly-dancing, break-dancing, and nose-picking. This last one, a traditional witch ritual, was actually filmed for the movie “The Witches of Eastwick”, but was cut from the final film because the producer was too cowardly. This tradition of witches of picking noses has prompted millions of parents to scold their children for doing it, not because it’s disgusting, but because of the association with witches.

So, now we have traversed the truth. And what have learned about the real story? We may ask, what was Cinderella really like? She was a modern in an outdated world, she was a rebel among browns, and she was an honest woman who stood up for what she wanted. You will still hear the traditional view hammered at you by people who know no better than to repeat the staid regulars they got from their parents, but now you have a choice.
Choose what you believe…and bring the truth to others.

[hectorberlioz]

come now people...

[inked]

Ashenly lovely, HB. Cinderella was "dem fine woman." So's the demythologization you use in the truly postmodern sensibility of indiscernable or is that undiscernable reality of the pluriform potentiality of language to fail to articulate the lack of underlying meaning in the universe, therefore leaving us free to do as we please as long as you agree with me. Otherwise, I am right and that's that!

[durinsbane2244]

wow, hector...i'll never look at your avatar the same way...



brilliant!

[rohirrim TR]

What words are their to describe such a cover-up. The treachery, the lies, the pretzels, wherefore art thou justice...Debussy(?)...Pete Best???

And what about the Rodgers & Hammerstien version?? not even one mention of it.

[hectorberlioz]

Well finally! I thought my masterpiece was going to drown...


this is my favorite part...

All that attempting to kill John Paul II was instigated by another man desperate to become pope, Saddam Hussein. Both Bush presidents knew what going on, hence the
Trouble with/ and capture of Saddam. And here the present pope’s numbers can be interpreted. X is the 24th letter, V the 22nd, and I the 9th. Add them up 24+22+9=55, the number of cars Saddam Hussein had parked in his palace garage. Pope Benedict was sending Saddam a message, mocking his position as a prisoner. As you may know, Saddam had a love for motor vehicles, and this reminder was simply a ploy to anger Saddam, to push his nerves and behavior over the edge so the judge would be more inclined to sentence him to death.

[rohirrim TR]

Originally Posted by hectorberlioz

Well finally! I thought my masterpiece was going to drown...


this is my favorite part...

are you sure you didn't get Saddam and Jay Leno mixed up? I mean 55 cars...

[hectorberlioz]

Originally Posted by rohirrim TR

are you sure you didn't get Saddam and Jay Leno mixed up? I mean 55 cars...

Don't question the validity of my message, my wife's an art historian...( )


Notice that "the lousy drum" automatically means poor Pete Best, in the narrator's eyes...

[inked]

HB,

Can't you get your Numerology or Arithmancy right? 55 = 5 + 5 = 10. Ten is the number of fingers or toes in nonanaomalous individuals (not counting FRODO who has to work in base 9 after Mount Doom and Gollum). Sheesh!

[hectorberlioz]

Numerology? You can't believe that stuff; it came from the Vatican Church! (inconsistent terminology, anyone?)

[Serenoli]

[hectorberlioz]

I just printed this story out, and I think I'll leave a copy lyin' around campus

[Rosie Gamgee]

You rock, Prezzie!!! It's hilarious!!! LOL

[Lief Erikson]

Really hiliarious, Hector. It's very clever and witty .

[hectorberlioz]

Why thank you Lief, I'm glad you [finally] read it.