The Sundering of the Tolkien Fans

[Black Breathalizer]

In The Puristillion, the story of the sundering of the Tolkien fans is told:

First, there were the Tolkienites, also known as Ringers and Hippies who lived in their private world of Nerdvilla with their beloved Tolkien books. Teased, ridiculed, and harassed as being uncool geeks, these fans escaped into the Undissing Lands to enjoy the Lord of the Rings in blissful peace.

In the first age came the first sundering of the Tolkienites when a pilgrimage was made to the land of Mass-Media. The first of the fans to come to this land were the Animationites – also known as the Cartoonies by the Purists who looked down their noses at them. After establishing a brief foothold on Mass-Media, the colony quickly died out.

In the second age came the Bakshiites. They were a truly silly faction that we’d prefer not to talk about. Really.

Then in the third age came the Jackson Revisionists a huge and powerful group who established a firm and lasting Tolkien foothold on Mass-Media. In fact they were so powerful that they established a kingdom that made even the Purists in Nerdvilla envious of them.

There are many types of Tolkien Purists and Jackson Revisionists.

The Fundamentalist Tolkien Purist – A strict Tolkien book fundamentalist who has been able to maintain a vow to not see the movies.

The Bombadilite Purist – Another type of strict Tolkien book fundamentalist. This group have seen the movies but hate them because they are “not true to the Master.”

The Fair Weather Purist – A Tolkien book fundamentalist who has seen the movies and generally liked them...uh, except for any changes from the book, of course.

The Born-Again Purist – A fan of the movie who saw the movie first – loved it – and then read the books and THEN thought PJ could have done a better job of following the book. Yes, there are some out there.

The Bubble-gum Purist – A Tolkien fan wo posts thotful stuff like “wats up dude?” at dis site an sho off cool sigs that r relly relly long.

The Remedial Purist - A Tolkien book fan who doesn't like the changes the movie made from the book. What distinguishes this type of purist from the others is that they don't know the books very well.

And of course, there is the Grand Poopa of all Tolkienite fans: The Children of the Light: The Jacksonite Revisionist – A very wise, Gandalf-like group of Tolkien fans. They grew up loving the book but were able to appreciate how PJ has added to Tolkien’s mythology with his film version of the story.



I'm sure I missed some groups. Feel free to add your own.