Suicide

[Andúril]

I did a search, but couldn't find a thread that dealt with this topic exclusively.

I was prompted to contribute to a thread at another forum, which was about suicide. What follows is my story. Feel free to discuss further.

Suicide. I came very close once.

Some background: About 4-5 years ago, I was at a house party in which LSD was involved. That is referred to by myself and my psychologist as the Turning Point. Afterwards, my thought processes were structured in a different way. I became a philosophical decontructivist, and began to question everything. My thoughts were constantly racing.

I'm not sure how my bipolar came into this, but I'm sure it factored in somewhere. My theory is that the LSD triggered a hypomanic phase, which in turn produced the motivation to learn.

I quit my B.Com (which I had no interest in) and started a B.A in Philosophy. But I had questions, and the answers were not coming quickly enough. The frustration of the self-imposition of a restrictive curriculum led to depression, which destroyed that initial motivation and I gave up the B.A.

But the existential vacuum was ever present. I don't recall how it happened, but the next hypomanic phase ensued and I started a B.Th, which was more focused on my interests (at least, on initial investigation).

My social life ceased to exist. I put everything into my studies. I bought books from overseas (most of which I haven't even read). I was on the net constantly doing research.

And I achieved. During a telephonic conversation with one of the professors in Pretoria, he assured me that I had attained the highest grades out of all the students enrolled that year, in that module (which was a foundational module), and he expressed his "enthusiasm" about working with me during my doctoral studies. My ego was boostly greatly, as you'd imagine. That had been a goal of mine--not only to acquire knowledge--but to "beat everyone else".

That was the last assignment I sent in, ironically. The subsequent segments of that module were skewed greatly towards students possessing god-belief in some or other form (but predominatly Christian). I suffered because of this. And grew frustrated again. And on came the next depression.

Eventually, a few months later, I went hypomanic. I started the net research again; I read loads of books; I participated in many online debates. All of this was driven by the need to address the existential vacuum that besieged me.

I deconstructed and deconstructed.

Eventually, the crisis culminated in what my psychologist defines, my Core Irrational Belief: Existence Is Fundamentally Meaningless.

Okay, so that's the background.

I wasn't depressed at this. In a strange way that I now cannot recall in any other way than knowing that I made a point of being aware of the feeling, I felt enlightened. I watched people, seemingly oblivious to the "idea" that they are a bunch of quarks and leptons, just like the air around them. I lost all emotion, because I understood emotion as electrical impulses in my brain, and I no longer felt the need or desire to indulge in them, thinking of them as a "weakness". "Enlightened", I felt superior.

But I was still conflicted. I felt like I was privy to some important info that most others were unaware of, but at the same time, according to that info, nothing mattered when conceived on a descontructive, base, fundamental plane.

Hence, my very real suicidal thoughts. It was not so much a need to escape suffering or frustration. I viewed my existence or lack thereof in a very cold, clinical way. I could kill myself at any moment, and be neither relieved nor guilty about it.

In a place like that, thoughts relating to family members and friends do not exist. If I remember correctly, I was of the position that any "guilt" or apprehension I might feel before and regarding my suicide, was completely and utterly pointless. I viewed the sorrow and anguish and anger of these family members and friends as mere electrical impulses. They had just as much emotional weight as my own thoughts. Which was nothing.

So I could very easily have killed myself. I wouldn't have thought anything of it. Who cares about a meaningless existence that continues despite the lack of my own, after all?

But then, one day, I decided that I wanted to hold onto the existence of my mind. I was filled with the idea that if I exist (my mind; my personality; what makes me, me), I could use and abuse the world in any way I wanted. No thought was "immoral" or "despicable". My mind was opened to anything and everything, and I felt powerful.

Enter hypomania.

Anyway, it was very obvious soon after that that I lived in a society, and because of this, if I decided to act on any particularly "frowned upon" thought, my situation would very probably change for the worse. I developed a faux-conscience which conflicted with my newfound physiological hedonism.

And so I integrated back into society.

And as the years moved on, that core irrational belief fell further and further into my subconscious. My faux-conscience turned into conscience, and my figurative box of unconstrained acts turned into a set of morally justifiable acts.

I also grew incredibly intellectually lazy (amongst other things). Now I'm like the majority of you humans.

[The Gaffer]

IMO, existence is fundamentally meaningless, if you are looking for meaning in an objective sense. However, it is an infinite fractal of significance at the subjective level.

The trick is to try to enjoy the ride and be nice to people.

Gotta take care of yourself, too; if you're bipolar, getting an insight into those sorts of trigger moments is a life-saver.

You know, I have to find this interesting since I have struggled with many of these internal arguments myself. Only I have a tendency to start doubting the existence of anything. I mean, how can one really be sure of anything. Is it any more logical to take for fact the information presented by your senses than it is to believe in myths, legends, or books that were written thousands of years ago. When it comes right down to it, how can we know that we can even know anything.
If we are to continue to live in this universe, we have to accept its existence. We have to believe that the world around us is really there. We have to take that on faith.
Now, believing in it doesn't make it true. On the flip side, not believing in something does not make it untrue. Just because we can never know the truth for sure doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
(Incidentally, assuming that we have the power of reason, there has to be such a thing as *truth*. If nothing is *true* then the fact that nothing is true would be truth. Truth must exist in some fashion.)
End rant for now

[Andúril]

Originally Posted by Acran Mern

I mean, how can one really be sure of anything. Is it any more logical to take for fact the information presented by your senses than it is to believe in myths, legends, or books that were written thousands of years ago. When it comes right down to it, how can we know that we can even know anything.

Hence the irrational in Core Irrational Belief.

[Grey_Wolf]

Slightly OT:
One my greatest disappointments came after having worked 8 years at my so far longest job then they fired me because I had a bad epileptic fit, unfortunately at work.

And since I am the way I am I said to the personnel manager straight out that she was ruining my life. Having a job and being useful is very important to me. Not only in the sense of having an income but also having friends (which apparently I didn't have all that many at that place).

Then, being very depressed, off and on I began thinking "I've done my bit I don't need do anything more.", but of course that would never work because in this day and age not only do you have to have a job to remain economically afloat and sane, you must think about the future.

Six months later I was enrolled in a yearlong computor-course. Not a very productive one at that, in my opinion, and just a way for my former employer to get rid of me once and for all which didn't endear them to me naturally.

Well, now I'm employed, off and on, at the local police station as a cleaner. Not a very good job, timewise, because it's only up to two days a week. So I'm hoping to be employed in the new police station which will be finished in february-06, just a mere six months away.

[Spock]

....life is but a dream......Star Trek

[brownjenkins]

Originally Posted by The Gaffer

IMO, existence is fundamentally meaningless, if you are looking for meaning in an objective sense. However, it is an infinite fractal of significance at the subjective level.

The trick is to try to enjoy the ride and be nice to people.

exactly!!!

whether or not life is meaningless is something better left to a later time and date... you'll get there one way or another

i've been at alot of lows (and it got better) and a lot of highs (and it got worse) but i always tried to think of the people around me... whether it be someone at the 'moot, someone at the coffee shop or someone you like to hang around with, the meaning is the day to day stuff... we give each other meaning

[Spock]

Lotesse, you are right on the money. At least you know you have rage and yet have the courage and fortitude to keep it in check. Years of therapy might help you get rid of it but if you are of strong mind and character you can save the money.

....Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death...
-Auntie M.-

[Lotesse]

Thanx, Spock! Yeah, I'll save my money; I have no love for therapists and psychologists in general, I consider a great majority of them to be snakeoil salesmen and con-artists. Not all of them, but definitely a great majority. I've experienced this phenomenon first hand, that's where I get off saying this.

Plus, I was graced - blessed or whatever, with a natural fortitude and strength of character that has kept and will keep me going for a lifetime. I'm fortunate in that regard, definitely.

[Spock]

You mean to say that I've been buying snake oil all these years for nothing?