Star wars funnys

[me9996]

(On board death star)
Tarken: Did she tell you where the rebel base is, Vader?
Darth Vader: She said it was Yavin 4 Grand moth Tarken.
Tarken: Grand MOFF! It's Grand MOFF Tarken!
Darth Vader: Sorry about your lisp sir.
Tarken: Lisp? I don't have a lisp! I speak better than you!
Darth Vader: Well, it's on Yavin 4.
Tarken: What's on Yavin 4?
Darth Vader: The rebel base, remember?
Tarken: Oh... Oh yes... Well plot a course to go blow it up.
Darth Vader: Are you shure that's a good idea?
Tarken: What do you mean?
Darth Vader: Well Yavin 4 is the ancient home of the sith, or at least one of them.
Tarken: Yes, that's a good point. And she's probubly lieing anyway.
Darth Vader: The rebel base is likely on Aalderan, you know how warlike those people are!
Tarken: I know, last time I visited I got mugged!

The End.

[me9996]

(Geonosis Arena, all the jedi [and Padme!] are surrounded by droids)
Count Duku: Surrender... Or die!
Mace Windu: We will not be hostages to be bartered, Duku!
Count Duku: I'm sorry old friend...
(All the droids aim at the jedi [and Padme!] when in rush thousands of clowns lead by Yoda all doing clowny things, "Send in the clowns" is played on hidden loudspeakers)
Mace Windu: What in the- Yoda? Is this the army you went to go find?
Yoda: Clown army I looked for, found it I did.
Obi-Wan: I said clone army! Clone army! Not clown army!
Yoda: Oops.
(The droids start falling over deactivated from the shear illogic of it)
Mace Windu: Well it's working anyway!

[ayra]

Try dying of laughter!!!

[me9996]

I'd prefer not to try, but thank you!
__________________
(Luke Skywalker steps outside of the rebel base on Hoth to find it raining X-wings)
Luke: What in the Galaxy?!?
(Luke runs for cover where he finds Han and Leia hideing as well)
Luke: What on Hoth is going on out there?
Han: Well, Leia found a magic lamp with a genie inside.
Luke: And this is what she wished for?!
Leia: It sounded like a good idea at the time!
(Meanwhile in the space off of Hoth, we find Darth Vader talking with an imperial Officer abord a star distroyer)
Imperial Officer: ... and so this started happening, what do you think it is?
Darth Vader: Well X-wings falling from the sky would sugjest a genie, and only a rebel would wish for X-wings, so the rebel base must be there!
Imperial Officer: Should I begin the assault?
Darth Vader: Yes, but wait for it to stop raining X-wings.
Imperial Officer: Good thinking Sir.

[me9996]

Ahem, I did this last year for LOTR but here we go.

The christmas carrol as STARWARS:
__________________
(Jabba the Hut is sitting in his chair christmas eve night, all of the sudden in comes a jedi apperition... aberitoin... one of those dead jedi things!)
Jabba(in huttese): AH!!! ... Who are you?
Jedi thingy: Doesn't matter, you have been very bad and thought christmas was a big slaymo.
Jabba(In huttese): Well what are you going to do about it?
Jedi thingy: You will be visited by three apper- abber- things like me, the first at 1:00 second at 2:00 and the third at 3:00.
Jabba(In huttese): Don't I get any say in this?
Jedi thingy: No.
(The Jedi thingy dissapears)
__________________
Not much of a break needed from that huh?
(Han Solo is in a store looking for something)
Salesman: May I help you?
Han Solo: Yeah, I'm looking for christmas presants for a few of my friends.
Salesman: Might I sugjest the ear rounder 2000?
Han Solo: Huh?
Salesman: It makes pointy ears round.
Han Solo: Has anyone acctuly bought any of those?
Salesman: Just a starship captain named Kirk, said he was buying it for a friend.
__________________
(Back to the story, Jabba is asleep in his, chair thing, when the ghost of christmas past appears)
Ghost of christmas past: I am the ghost of christmas past!
Jabba(In huttese): AHHH!!!
Ghost of christmas past: I'm afraid I have only been given very vague information about your past.
Jabba(In huttese): So you're not going to show me it?
Ghost of christmas past: Oh no! I'm going to show you it all right!
(All of the sudden he Jabba finds himself -and the Ghost of christmas past- in his childhood home)
Ghost of Christmas past: Do you reconise this?
Jabba(In huttese): Yes, this was my childhood home.
Ghost of christmas past: And look over there, you rushing up to your father Zorba the hut.
(We see the young Jabba "Rushing" over to his father at an extreemly slow pace)
Ghost of christmas past: ... Not the fastest child, were you?
Jabba(In huttese): You try running with no feet or legs!
Ghost of christmas past: Well your feetless rush has cost us so much time we'll have to do the rest of your past as a music montoge!
Jabba(In huttese): But I thought time in dreams was reletive.
Ghost of christmas past: Be quiet and watch)
(Thus follows a music montoge of Jabba sliping into gangsterly deeds set to the song "Born to be wild", at the end of which Jabba finds himself in his own chair)
Jabba(In huttese): That wasn't the best song for that if that ghost thing was trying to convise me of the error of my ways.
Ghost of christmas past(Off screen): It was the best we could do on short nodice!
__________________
As with my LOTR vertion of the christmas carol I typed "Ghost of christmas past" by hand (useing a keyboard as allways) every time.
The only copy and paste is for deviders and spelling errors.
(Han Solo is still shoping for gifts for his friends)
Salesman2: May I help you?
Han: Yeah, I'm looking for a presant for my friend, have any ideas?
Salesman2: How about this?
(Salesman2 unvails a tie interseptor)
Han: Huh? I thought those were imperial craft!
Salesman2: Military surplus.
Han: Ah, by the way, you know that it doesn't make much for us to celebrate christmas because we are set before the birth of christ.
Salesman2: But that's no match for consumerisim!
Han: Ah. You know, you look an awfel lot like that other salesman.
Salesman2: He's my brother.
Han: So, how much military surplus have you got?
Salesman2: We have too much surplus!
Han: I don't supose you've got a star distroyer lieing around here anywhere?
Salesman2: Yes we do in fact! Sevral! Going cheap!
Han: I don't know, star distroyers are pretty expenceive.
Salesman2: Not these, some goofball set the stuff to "Empire at War" prices.
Han: Wow, almost a quarter the price of a normal starship!
Salesman2: That's what I said.
__________________
(And now, back to the other thing I've got going here)
Ghost of christmas presant: Hello! I am the ghost of christmas presant!
Jabba(In huttese): Do I get a presant?
Ghost of christmas presant: I just can't stand it... I just can't stand it!
Jabba(In huttese): Sorry!
Ghost of christmas presant: *Sniff* Thank you, now let's go see what people are doing this christmas...
(They somehow end up in the middle of the street christmas morning)
Ghost of christmas presant: Look! There's Shimi and Little Anikin!
Jabba(In huttese): How about we see what they're up to?
Ghost of christmas presant: I would, but we're on a deadline here and you walk realy slow.
Jabba(In huttese): Sorry, but what will happen to little Anikin?
Ghost of christmas presant: That is not my relm, but if these shadows remain unchanged I see him getting six or more limbs cut off.
Jabba(In huttese): How does that work? He only has four!
Ghost of christmas presant: I realy don't know.
(The ghost of christmas presant continues to show Jabba all sorts of christmas celebrations then leaves)
Jabba(In huttese): Now what? I'm stranded in the middle of a dream sequence!
__________________
Is a break realy needed? It is? Aw well...
(Abord a star distroyer)
Capt. Needa: Exuse me, lord Vader?
Vader: Yes?
Capt. Needa: We lost the ship you sent us after.
Vader: What? This is inexuseable! Go sit in the corner and don't come out till I say so!
__________________
(Back in Jabbas dream sequence a cloaked figure arrives)
Jabba(In huttese): Of all that I have seen so far, I fear you the most.
(The cloaked figure takes Jabba to onboard the tanive four where sevral rebel trooper are aiming strait at them)
Jabba: AHHH!!!
(The rebel troopers start fireing, the blasts go right through Jabba and the cloaked figure without any harm and hit the stormtroopers who -as it turns out- were right behind them)
Jabba(In huttese): What is this? Why have you brought me here?
(The cloaked figure points out Darth Vader entering the hallway)
Jabba(In huttese): Is that me?
(Darth vaders helmet goes sorta transarent for a second to reveal Anikins face)
Jabba(In huttese): What? NO!
(The cloaked figure leads Jabba to his explodeing sail barge)
Jabba(In huttese): Oh no!

After this Jabba woke up and was a chaged hut, but not enough to stop the things the ghost of christmas future (A.K.A. Palpateen) Showed him.

THE END

[me9996]

(On board death star, just before the desctruction of Alderaan)
Leia: Allright, the rebel base is on Dantuween.
Grand moff Tarken: See Lord Vader? I told you she would talk!
(Turns)
Grand moff Tarken: You may fire when ready.
Leia: WHAT?!?
Grand moff Tarken: You're far too trusting. Dantuween is too remote for testing, but don't worry, we will deal with your rebel friends soon enough.
Leia: No...
(The death star fires... And MISSES Alderaan! Leia seems happy at this)
Grand moff Tarken: WHAT?!?
(Grand moff Tarken runs over to some kind of comunication desk)
Grand moff Tarken(Into com): What happened down there?!?
Voice from com: Um, I missed.
Grand moff Tarken(Into com): You missed?!? How could you miss?!?
Voice from com: Well, don't we all miss sometimes?
Grand moff Tarken(Into com): Wait a second, you're one of the not the normal gunners!
Voice from com: Well, some madman shot Will, so I had to take over.
Grand moff Tarken(Into com): Who is this?
Voice from com: John Antillese from security.
Grand moff Tarken: Good grief! We've got a stormtrooper aiming the death star!
(Both Leia and Vader stiffle laughter at this)
Grand moff Tarken: Oh be quiet! We're going to keep trying untill we hit the planet!
(Some time later)
Leia(seemingly in good spirits): So, Tarken, you've been shooting at my home planet all day, any new ideas?
(Enter imperial officer)
Imperial officer: Sir! The planet of Dantuween has misteriously disapeared and the Emperor wants us to investigate!

[trolls' bane]

Hahahaha!

me9996, they get better every time!

(Although your spelling certainly doesn't... :P )

[Nicro]

a puppy is on the death star

vader: fire at that planet

*puppy presses button and death star blows up*

luke: (in starfighter)look r2 fireworks!

[ayra]

Guy1: I'm hungry, aren't you?
Guy2: Of course I am! It's time to eat!
Guy1: You are not Hungry! I am!
Guy2: I am to!
Guy1: No you are not! My name is Hungry!
Guy2: Oh.

[me9996]

(Geonosian arena, the jedi (And Padme) are sorounded by droids who have stopped fireing for some reson)
Mace Windu: Duku!
Count Duku(Unseen and with a french accent): What is it?
Mace Windu: The speech!
Count Duku(french accent): What speech?
Mace Windu: The speech! The speech! The one you've been practiceing?!
Count Duku(french accent):Oh.
(We see Count Duku peer over the edge of the place where he is)
Count Duku(french accent): Surrender! Or die!
Mace Windu: That's it?
Count Duku(french accent): Er, yes. Did you expect more?
Mace Windu: Yeah.
Count Duke(french accent): Allright, surrender or get livestock flung at you!
Mace Windu: No!
(Cows are flung at the jedi, but not Padme, who is hit be a sheep)

[ayra]

Padme:*with a really high pitched voice* Help me! Help me! I be hit by a sheep!
Anikan: *falls off beast b/c of laughter* HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Obi-Wan: You little pipsqueak! Anikan Skywalker!
Count Dooku: What on Earth?!?! What is going on here?
Mace Windu: I have no clue. Yoda?
Yoda: Clue has Obi-Wan, none have I.
Obi-Wan: *moans* Why me?
Anikan: *still laughing* No, its to be or not to be.
Obi-Wan: See what I mean?!
Padme: Are you bored?
Droid: How can you tell?!

[me9996]

Of all my spelling errors "Hit be a sheep" makes for a joke
(Good one though)
__________________
(Darth Vader boarding the tantive IV)
Darth Vader: Stormtrooper Sr-51! Who do I blame for this mess!
Other stormtrooper: I'm Sr-51, he's Qb-12.
Darth Vader: Oh.
Stormtrooper Sr-51: But you can call us Frank and Harry.
Darth Vader: Okay...

[ayra]

Darth Vader: Frank! Harry! Who do I blame?!?!
Frank & Harry: Not us. WE didn't do it!
DV: Then who did?
Harry: I don't know. Maybe Mr. Not Me
DV: Who's that?
Frank: That guy in the red suit.
DV: No, he didn't do it, that's Santa
Frank: Oh.
Leia: I did it, you nut.
DV: WHAT?!?!
Leia: They tried to shoot me, so I shot back.
DV: *Stuns her* Now, who REALLY did it?

[me9996]

(Luke Skywalker is wandering around Mos Eisly when he hears blaster fire)
Luke Skywalker: Oh no! I must go aid the inocent!
(Luke Skywalker runs around the corner to see two stormtroopers shooting at the ground)
Stormtrooper1: There! Got it fourth try!
Stormtrooper2: That's nothing! I know this guy who can hit the ground every time!
Stormtrooper1: No!
Stormtrooper2: Yes! They call him Deadeye Bob!
Stormtrooper1: Wow! He can hit the ground every time?!?
Stormtrooper2: Yes he can! Goes on exabitions all over the galaxy!

[orithil]

A very short one

Droids come out and start shooting at some annoymous jedi who block with their lightsabres

Jedi 1: This is to easy!

Droids pull out machine guns and start shooting them

jedi 2: Damnit they never taught us how to deflect things that travel this fast

both jedi die

Why didn't they just use machine guns?

[Ingwe]

Originally Posted by Elanor

I've always liked this joke:

Darth Vader: (menacingly) Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas.
Luke: (in agony) HOOOOoooooowww?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

OMG!!! That was so hilarious!!! I've gotta remember that one for the holidays.

Originally Posted by orithil

A very short one

Droids come out and start shooting at some annoymous jedi who block with their lightsabres

Jedi 1: This is to easy!

Droids pull out machine guns and start shooting them

jedi 2: Damnit they never taught us how to deflect things that travel this fast

both jedi die

Why didn't they just use machine guns?

Obi-wan's afraid of guns. LoL.

Obi-wan: "The light saber...not as primitive as a blaster...or as scary. Like flying. I'm scared of flying too eventhough I was like the only Jedi besides Yoda to survive Order 69."

* Yoda appears. *

Yoda: "Order 66, it is, stupid."

Obi-wan: "Oh...oh yeah. Um, yeah Order 69 is something...totally...different.........yeah...."

* Long period of awkward silence on the Falcon. *

C-3PO: "So...aren't we supposed to be like under attack by those TIE fighters by now?"

Solo: "No, this is the special super-extended edition that includes this scene where we all sit here for 30 minutes and do or say nothing. Either that or watch Chewbacca pull your arms out of their sockets if you whoop him in...that 3d wrestling game thingy with the four-armed character that reminds me of that guy from Mortal Kombat."

Obi-Wan: "Well...we need to pass the time. Hey, got some illegal Cuban...erm I mean...*insert planet name here" cigars from the *insert sector name here* sector."

Luke: "Try to guess what I'm thinking right now..."

Obi-Wan: "That Yoda shouldn't have appeared until the next movie when you were supposedly supposed to crash-land on some planet and get training from him."

Luke: "Yeah, pretty much. And what's with that anyway?! He's like 1 foot tall and somehow he's a super warrior!? Man, I tell ya, if the story had gone on without me knowing who Yoda was, I probably would have been fighting him off in the next movie when he tried to steal my candy bar or whatever the hell that thingy is that they give us when we go on long space flights. They also taste like crap. That's the Rebel Alliance. Cheap bastards."

Obi-Wan: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Luke: "Uh, what is it?"

Obi-Wan: *tries to remember lines* "Ah...um, it's like thousands..."

Luke: "Millions!"

Obi-Wan: "Ah yes...it's like millions of voices screamed out in terror and suddenly vanished. I fear that something stupid has happened."

Luke: "Terrible."

Obi-Wan: "Oh yea, well, whatever. Let's put it this way. The next scene will be an asteroid field. Who didn't see that coming?"

Luke: "Yea, well, let's get wasted."

Obi-Wan: "They're cigars, not something else..."

Solo: "I got some goooooood sh** up in this place. Second cargo container on the floor to your right. You wanna get smashed, well, don't say I didn't warn you!"

Chewbacca: "Roo row row!" *coughs* "Wow, I had a terrible gag in my throat there. Anyway, yeah, you guys be all like smashed in a few minutes."

Two hours later, the Millenium Falcon is captured by the Death Star and the heroes are interrogated while high. Solo tricks Vader and Tarkin into trying some of his "stash". Having heard about this new "stuff", the Emperor pays a visit to the Death Star and has some of it himself. Luke and Han never meet Leia as a few minutes later Darth Vader is pushing random buttons in the control room of the Death Star and blows the station up.

The fleet of the Empire loses contact with the station and a long search begins. Obi-wan, Luke, Han, Leia, Vader, Tarkin, Chewbacca, R2-D2, C-3PO, and of course, the Emperor, are all dead now.

Empire ship commander: "What happen!!"

Empire ship tactical officer: "Somebody set up us the bomb!!"

Comm officer: "We receive transmission."

Commander: "Main screen turn on.....it's you!"

Another ship commander: "Good morning gentlemen. All your base are be blown up."

Commander: "What you say!!"

Other commander: "You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha (ha)."

Meanwhile on the Rebel Alliance command ship.

Mon Mothma: "Ah crap, we lost all those Bothan spies for no good reason. Oh well, let's just blow up the Imperial Palace or something. There's some guy named Xixor who's planning some funny stuff with some Skyhook. I don't know what, but to be on the same side, let's get pre-emptive"

Ackbar: "Yeah!!! Let's kick some a$$!!!"

Leeroy Jenkins: "LEEEEERRRROOOOOYYYYYY!!!! JENKINS!!!"

Ackbar: "Oh my God, he just went in!"

* Blink, insert plot device *

Luke and Obi-Wan and all of them re-appear on Coruscant, somehow having skipped the next two movies altogether and nothing went like it was supposed to, especially for the fact that Padme Amidala was now somehow alive and she was the Empress of the 2nd Galactic Empire.

Luke: "Wow Han!!! That was some good sh**!"

Han: "It's so powerful it alters the space-time continuum."

Luke: "Who's that?"

Obi-wan: "Oh, that's your mother...who's supposed to be dead. Yeah, your father sort of like killed her. That's another thing. Your father is Darth Vader and your mother is Empress Amidala."

Luke: "And what am I, a grease stain under a police car?!?"

Obi-Wan: "Yeah, pretty much. Besides that you're the heir of an Empire. Congratulations on dooming us all."

Padme: "Since the first empire is down and the Emperor is dead, does that mean Anakin is alright?"

Obi-Wan: "Um...no. He's like all blown up and stuff. He got high and blew up the Death Star."

Padme: "NOOOOOOOOOOO! Well, I always knew he'd blow himself up by getting high. Eh, sh** happens. Whadya gonna do?!"

Luke: "So my father wasn't the one to bring order to the Force?"

Obi-Wan: "Yes, he was. He blew himself up and the Death Star and somehow the "chronic" was so powerful that it goofed up time and stuff. Darth Vader was the one to invent the stuff in the first place. So yes, he was the one to bring order to the Force. I just didn't see it turning out this way."

Luke: "Well, since I'm the heir of an Empire, see ya guys later!"

Obi-Wan: "But your training and...and stuff..."

Luke: "I'm rich now! Woohoo! I don't need no stupid Force and pilot skills. Screw you guys, I'm a going...over here."

Obi-Wan: "Oh Luke...while we're on the topic of spitting on friends who saved your life....the "chronic" also altered the continuum so that you sorta...like...married your sister. And yes, Leia is your sister. And she's due in eight months."

Luke: "Ah crap. This is worse than that time I found this giant wooden bantha and took it to my uncle's farm because I thought it was a prize."

* Flash back, Luke drags this wooden bantha into his uncle's farm and 200 Ninjas attack Luke and his family and steal their crops. Luke is forced into not going to the academy for another couple of years. *

William Shatner begins singing a song dedicating the new empire.

"Packed...my bags last night...pre-flight! Zero hour, 9 AM. And I'm gonna be...high....as a kite.......and it's gonna....BE....a long long time...."

Obi-Wan: "Oh, and yeah, we somehow have William Shatner now too."

Luke: "What is that song?"

Obi-Wan: "By the lyrics it sounds like Rocket Man, by the way he's singing it, it sounds like someone's trying to put out a forest fire with a hand pistol."

And so everyone lived happily ever after, pretty much. Though everyone was really really confused. George Lucas mysteriously disappeared though.

Fin.

[Freeflying]

These are great i forget every now and again how funny SW is - i think its time for a re-watch, back to back.