Parody Facebook Posting

[Tessar]

I'm going to go back in and clean this up some later on when I have a little more time, but this is a rough draft that I've been thinking about recently and I finally had a chance to get written out.

If you aren't familiar with facebook notes, this may not make much sense to you. I'm not trying to skewer a specific person. I'm just exaggerating and making fun of the generic parts of most of the 'I've Grown So Much' notes that people tend to put up on facebook.

These notes are often followed less than a week later by pictures of the same person passed out on someone's couch because they got wasted. So anyways...





I was musing this afternoon, around 3, when I woke up on my friend's(?) couch with my empty beer bottles beside me (and under me, and on top of me) with a half-naked person next to me whose name I couldn't quite remember... But to keep from rambling I'll get right to my point... the thing that was on my mind:

What is it about Facebook that makes people so philosophically introspective?

As I pushed him/her off of me, and tried to get up, only to fall and hit my head on the coffee table because my legs had a moment of epic failure... I began thinking very deeply about my life, and the path that I've taken to reach this point. Namely the point of the coffee table's edge. That's going to leave a mark.

I really feel that I've grown over the last year or two, and have begun to truly mature as a full-fledged person. It's amazing... when you stop letting drama (and morals) get to you, it' an incredibly free-ing-ish-ly experience. The prodigious amount of nonsensical drivel that is regurgitated from the psyches of us aural-centric proles is truly astounding. There's also way too much gossip. Specifically about me, and although it might be true it's really hurtful to hear that I've been such a jackass.

But yeah, I've been thinking really deeply, and I've decided that I'm going to totally turn myself around. Mainly because I've apparently been standing facing a wall for the last five minutes while I wrote this message. So it's time to face forward and start marching. Because I need to go wake up the jerk who stole my keys last night. Too drunk to drive... right. That's what she said!... literally.

But I digress.

I would like to apologize for the things I may have done to any of you in the past (specifically last night) that might have been kind of mean things to do. But I would like to apologize in a way that excuses me from the blame. So if you guys hadn't misunderstood me and my motivations so much I would just like to point out that none of those things would ever have happened.

I'd also like to point out that I'm a Christian, and although I do have occasional failings, I am way better at it than your lame ass is. By which I mean I'm going to go to church tomorrow, feel better about myself, then spend the next three Sundays passed out... potentially on the same couch as last night but preferably not with the same person. It's okay though: Jesus loves me, and I always remember to pray to Him... I'll especially be praying today that those photos of me don't surface on Facebook tomorrow.

So thank you all (retro and progressively) for your support in helping me make this next year even better than the one before it. I know I have many things that I need to work on, but so do you... if you'd like to tell me how much more awesome I am than when you first met me with a loving, heartfelt facebook message below this posting, please feel free to do so... and maybe we can all go to church together or something!

Till then...

Dibs on the last Shiner.

[sisterandcousinandaunt]

"Youth is wasted on the young."

Of course,
"Wasted is youth on the young", too.

[The last sane person]

Haaahaha! You made my morning Tess. Brilliant.