A few tips for movie villains

[hectorberlioz]

Dear Movie Villains, I've noticed that you guys always seem to get foiled somehow or other, despite the odds always being in your favor. I was just wondering if this was because:

A) You get to close to the Hero when you captured him. Precedent should tell you that 1) getting close to the hero and 2) mocking him and 3) launching into philosophical discourses almost always guarantees that he will...1) steal the hairpin out of your nostril and use it to unlock his chains 2) mock you back, or 3) use the time you use to rant to magically escape.

My suggestion to all villains would be this: Step back from the hero, keep your arms and legs close together. DO NOT wear a robe. He'll trip you.
Restrain yourself from mocking. These Hero dorks use your words for their self-righteous comebacks, and they try to make you feel like scum. Don't fuel their fire.
Lastly, have a little speech prepared beforehand so that you don't have to spend hours philosophizing off the top of your head.

B) I've also noticed that your torture machines happen to break down at just the right time to convenience your victim. How lousy is that? Make sure those wheels are shined and polished BEFOREHAND.

C) The good guys always seem to be able to guess at your plans i.e. Gandalf knew you guys were going to attack Gondor. What kind of traitors do you have in your midst? Keep that intel CLOSE to bosom.

D) Concerning the actual capturing of good guys, I've noticed that villains almost never get to the point. Same deal as above, don't stop to lecture, just have them knocked out, get them to the torture machine and get on with it.

[Earniel]

Hahah, that reminds me of that list: "the 25 Commandments for Evil Lords" I once came across on the internet. I got a copy of them somewhere on the computer. They were ribcrackingly amusing.

My favourites were: "I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape. and "Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly." Oh and: "Shooting is not too good for my enemies."

[hectorberlioz]

Oh please post them, just my type of thing

[Earniel]

They're not mine, though, but I don't remember where I picked it up so neither who the credit for them is due to. But here they are:

The 25 commandments of Evil Lords

1. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

2. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

3. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

4. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

5. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

6. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

7.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

8. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

9. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

10. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

11. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

12. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.


13. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

14. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

15. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

16. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

17. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

18. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

19. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

20. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

21. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

22. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.

23. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

24. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.

25. I will not outsource core functions.

[hectorberlioz]

No.17...awesome

[brownjenkins]

Here's an even more extensive one.

one of my favorites...

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

[Rían]

I remember those from a few years back - they're hysterical!

[hectorberlioz]

I just had a great time reading those...thanks for posting guys.

[GrayMouser]

Dr. Evil: As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Scott: Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a dope?
-------------------------
Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
------------------------
Dr. Evil: All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
[guard starts dipping mechanism]
Dr. Evil: Close the tank!
Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!
Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.

[The Gaffer]

Hehehehe I thought of those bits out of Austin Powers when I first read the thread. Classic.

Also got the treatment in Fat Freddy's Comix and Stories, which I imagine most of you are far too young and/or upstanding to have come across. Anyway, in outer space, Freddy has to find the Secret Weakness Chamber and pull out the Giant Cotter Pin which will make the whole Evil and Ugly Conspiracy explode with an Enormous Noise (in spite of space being a vacuum).

[me9996]

This whole thing is exeadingly funny!

[rohirrim TR]

This is a great one.

If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

[Rosie Gamgee]

LOL!!! These are hilarious. Well written, Hector and the unknown author of the Commandments. Great.

[nokom]

Heres a tip. DON'T run to the top of buildings to escape go DOWN not UP

[me9996]

Of coarse the hero-sized air ducts aren't helping ether

[hectorberlioz]

Indeed


Here's one of mine:

I will not tell my soldiers to "halt" when they see the enemy coming towards us with a white flag.

[Curubethion]

Brilliant lists!

[Mari]

I like number 25: I will not outsource core functions
Good tactics!