I need yalls' constructive critisisum

[Tessar]

O.K. here is a poem i wrote.

please tell me what you think. (dont spare my feelings as I'm not too sure about it ether)



I'm sitting in the shadows,
With the sky high over me,
The stars are twinkling brightly,
But I'm too busy to see,
I'm contemplating life,
And wandering what might have been,
And some how i cant help but feel,
That theres nothing left for me.


That was sort of an elvish poem.
How i think that they must have felt sometimes.

and that is how i feel now whilst I'm writing it (depressed)

but i think i might have something there so i just want your thoughts or ideas for modifications.

is it Exceedingly good?

is it Good?

Is it OK?

Is it so-so?

does it need work?

do i need prosaic?

if Ben likes it will he put it up on the web sight?

[Tessar]

hummmmmmmmmm...

either its' so shockingly good yalls' just dont know what to say or its so bad you had to run off and puke, then when you got back you had forgotten to post.

[Darth Tater]

Actually, it's quite a nice start. I could see a long, ballad style poem growing from that little stanza.

[fireworks19]

Well, I like it muchly.

{Except perhaps you mean 'wondering' and not 'wandering?'}

Anyhow, I think its very nice, and I agree with Darth Tater (whom I remember from long long ago). I could very well become much longer. Keep at it!

[Tessar]

OK I'll keep plugging away!

and thanks for finding that mistake for me. I have no idea how to spell and so that was the spell check version.

[fireworks19]

Hee. No problem. I promise I will get annoying with that correction stuff eventually, though.... =)

[afro-elf]

I liked it my friend

[Renille]

Good job! You're right, it DOES sort of sound like something elves would say.

[hama]

As a fellow writer i would like to add some hopefully constructive sugesstions.

I read over the stanza a number of times and could never quite get comfortable with the meter.

The sky high above me...There is either a better description of the sky high above me or there is a more powerful metaphor...
"the sky seemed closing 'round me." as an example.

stars and twinkiling is a bit banal...you have a better sense of poetry to settle for that.

Finally there is a logical disconnect between being "to busy to see" and there being "nothing left for me". If there is nothing left for you, why are you so busy. There may be a very good answer to that question but if there is, then you must make it evident to your audience.

Finally, if it wasn't at least okay, and it is that, I would not have taken the time to offer my opinion. Too many people here at Tolkien Trail have been so kind and thoughtful in thier coments about The One Ring for me to not offer my opinion regardless of its merit.

Hamatime

[ryan]

try spelling things phonetically in a poem. Itd make for good reading.

[Tessar]

Hama,

Ok thanks.

I didn't quite get all that but i think i got a bit of it.

so do you mean that i should try to change it from twinkling to shimmering or glimmering or shining?
or is that not quite what you were thinking?

i can see what you mean by the bit about to busy and nothing left for me.

and last of all,
what is a meter? is it the rhythm of a poem?

I have not had much experience with poems (my mom taught me some stuff about them but i wasn't interested at the time so i forgot it)


Ryan,

huh?


renille,

thanks!


afro-elf,

thanks!

[hama]

Yes meter is the beat or rythm to the poem. It leads your audience through the peice and can then be used to suprise them if the linguistics or the rhymes do not exactly fit the meter.

As for changing twinkiling to shimmering...okay that is a choice. But is it the strongest choice you can make? With the sky high over me...yet the air hugs close around me....

The juxtaposition and the literary and visual conflict seems to be more interesting. But please remember that it is your poem and your words. It will be the best it can be if you stick to your vision and disregard armchair criticism from me or anyone else.

But thanks for listening.

[Tessar]

no no,

thank YOU!

thanks for helping me!

I will start rewrightting it soon

(about promises..... theres always tomorrow )

[Tessar]

I have been thinking.....(bows "thank you thank you")

Well what I think I'm going to do is wright it out again only with a few modifications and then I'm going to submit it to Ben after showing it to yalls again.

I believe that I will stick with the short poem look because I personally prefer short poetry to long stuff.

[Tessar]

I'm sitting in the shadows,
With the sky surrounding me,
The stars are like the simarills,
But I care not for these,
I'm contemplating life,
And wondering what might have been,
And some how I can't help but feel,
That theres nothing left for me.

Ok. do you think that that is better?

Or do you like the first one better?

Does it need another rewright?

The meter is probably all messed up but I think that i like this version a little bit better

[fireworks19]

Ooh. Me likes this one. And don't fret about the meter. No one said it couldn't be a free verse poem!

[Tessar]

hummmmmmmmmmmm true true........

well I'm glad you like it!!!

[Tessar]

ok how about this? (as said before.... its late here........)

one day a hobbit went for a walk,
he steped in some salt and vanished!
gone like hay in may,
like a bee in a tree,
oh where can he be?
certanly not where he started!

oh that is so stuped.

[Darkhalcyon]

*hee* i liked both of your poems!!! If you like prolific stuff you should read yerself some Emily Dickens. As for the second one,it was cute, and very Hobbitish!! Clever too...

You're talented!!! Keep it up.

[Tessar]

:huggs dark:

THANK YOU!!!!!

oh I'm just so happy!!!!!!!!!!!