My story/book.

[Thorir Orcbane]

I am in the process of writing a book and I am asking for some criticism on it so I'll post part of the story below.


Meryn woke up with a jump. The light had not yet come over the hills and the cock had not yet crowed , so he did not know what had caused him to wake. All of a sudden , he felt the sensation that someone was watching him. He turned around to see a bird , glaring at him with silver eyes. He felt his head spin and he fell backwards , hitting his head on the stone hearth , and knew nothing more.

That morning when he woke up from the knock on the head he had recieved earlier, the bird was still there. Now in the light he could see it was no noral thing , not of his world. It was as big as a wolf pup and darker than the shadows , then he noticed it's eyes, Silver eyes , like the moon. When he looked into them , he felt drawn away from this world , passing into the realm of the Sidhe , and he did not like it. "Aaah! Back you thing! Why do you come for me?" As if answering him the bird cried. "MERLYN!" .


Thats all i got so far. As you can already see,hopefully, the story is about Merlin , or in my story , Merlyn , the wizard who helped raise Camelot with Arthur. ut this is not about Arthur it is about merlin as a teenager who goes through quests to achieve his destiny and to help raise Camelot. So anyone want to say something?

[Earniel]

First of all, welcome to the Entmoot.

Now as books go, it's a bit short.

You might want to consider expanding the scene you do have. Right now you've only got the very basics. You could describe Merlyn's room, say where the bird is sitting, what species it is, or explain for starters how he managed to hit his head on the hearth if he only just woke up. I assume he did his sleeping in his bed, but then again you can never be sure with wizards. I imagine his head will have hurt considerably when he woke up afterwards, stone hearths are nothing to laugh at. So that's another thing you should at least consider adding.

Have you by any chance seen the new BBC-series? Also named Merlin, if I'm not mistaken. Its premise is like yours, castle adventures with a young Merlin as main character.

[Thorir Orcbane]

Thanks alot. I have won several awards for writing before and I was rying to see how I could widen that scene cuz it was shorter than my others. I'll take your tips and thanks for welcoming me . I'll post my revised one later. Slan

[Thorir Orcbane]

Heres the re- revised first chapter.Enjoy!

Meryn woke up with a jump.He looked around his small cabin checking every corner.He looked in the hall , nothing there, he walked around the dark corner feeling his way along in the blue darkness. He finally made his way into the Hearth room, the largest place in his cabin, and at night it was no place to be. It was a large room of stone and a gaping pit in the center of the room. Plus the odd number of daggers, staves, and swords in there for he had no other place to put them. He dimly looked around the room. The light had not yet come over the hills and the cock had not yet crowed,so he did not know what had caused him to wake. All of a sudden,he felt the burning sensation that someone was watching him. He turned around to see a bird glaring at him from the window sill with silver eyes. He wondered how it got in there in the first place,for he had nailed the windows shut in fear of his numerous enemies or animals. As he tried to turn the bird suddenly flew at him like a hound after it's hunt. He felt his head spin as he tried to avoid it and in the process he fell backwards,hitting his head on the stone hearth ,the bird drew itself closer to Meryn and seemed to speak to him, " Become who you are meant to be", it said. As it spoke a black shroud fell on his eyes and he knew nothing more.

Some time afterwards,for he did not know how much times had passed sice he fell, he woke up and felt his wound. There seemed to be no blood loss, to his surprise,just a very large welt. As he surveyed his surroundings he saw he was mysteriously moved outside onto the rocky ground.To his strong dismay he saw that the bird was still there, perched on a rock.His eyes grew wide with fright but he did not run. Now in the light he could see that it was no normal thing, not of this world. It was as big as a wolf pup and darker than the shadows, then he noticed it's eyes, they were unnaturally silver like the moon. When he looked into them he felt drawn away from this world and passing into the realm of the Sidhe,and he did not like it.

"Aaah! Back you thing! Why do you come for me? What do you want!?" As if answering him the bird cried, "MERLYN!" . Meryn looked startled. He looked around to see if anyone was watching for he did not know if he was crazy or sane, but he surely did not want any spectators seeing himtalk to a bird. When he saw no one was around , he decided to answer it. "I think you have the wrong person, for that is not my name. Now begone!" He flinched as he gave his rebuke, for he did not know how the creature would take it, for a creature it was. The bird seemed to sigh,then it cleared it's throat.

"I thought you might act this way. You do not remember me , but your father and I were old friends and he made me swear when you were of age I would find you and watch over you." Meryn was shocked. He did not think it would answer, and he did not want it to, but nonetheless it did and what more it spoke like a human! At the same time his awe was filled with sadness, for he only knew his parents from shadows and distant memories. When he finally thoght it over he answered the bird.

"I do not need your help even if you are real because as you can see I have made it fine for the past seventeen years without the help of a stupid bird who thinks it knew my parents! And whats more you somehow broke into my home and make me almost die from falling on the stupid hearth. So as you can see, I am quite angry and what is to stop me from killing and eating you because I have not eaten breafast yet!" He reached for his sling and stones, which he always kept with him. He did not think the bird liked this at all, for it flew at him again, with suprisingly crushing strength.

The bird hooked his talons into Meryn's shirt and yelled. "I did not come all the way from Eiru to be shot at by a mere whelp. If you need anything, it is my help! Now either you put the sling down and come with me , or I leave you to your questions of what could have happened. Which will it be , boy?"

Meryn thought it over for a minute. On one hand he had adventure and knowing his parents' fate and having someone to talk to. On the other he had being insane, not knowing anything, and being alone for all his days.

Finally he groaned and rubbed his temples. "Alright bird, I will come. But tell me your name and what happened to my family, and I will come.

The bird seemed to chuckle." My name is Ciaran.I will explai what happened to your parents later, where it is safer. Get your things prepared and we will set out tomorrow. I have some friends waiting in Caer Fawydd."

Meryn laughed."Are they all animals?"

"No, they happen to be humans. Now if there are anymore questions please ask, because I am tired from flying, which i dont think you would know anything about. "

Meryn looked interseted, so he had to ask.

"What is it like then?"

Ciaran groaned."Just imagine simming with nothing but your arms for a day or two and then you will know what it is like to fly. Are you appeased now?"

"Yes I am, but no need to be angry." Meryn replied.

With a click of his claw, Ciaran threw a blue flame at the bundle of sticks outside the door, incenerating them. "you havent seen angry yet."

Merlin gaped at the burning sticks and suddenly regreted threatening Ciaran.

"Hahahahaha. It's alright boy , I would'nt use it on you...yet." Meryn did not know if he was jesting, or serious so he decided to leave it alone, at least for now .

"Let us go inside to eat and rest, then we will talk about the matters at hand."

Meryn obliged him and opened the door. He set on to make a fire in the hearth, which he was quite still angry at over hitting his head even if it was inanimate.

He walked into the hearth room and looked for some kindling. He found a bunch of nice dry ones and tossed them in.Heasked Ciaran if he could set it afire. After Ciaran had finished lighting it he gathered up some bread and put the soup on to cook. He looked over at Ciaran, who was preening his feathers at the moment.

"You know you didn't have to scare me like that and make me addle myself half asleep. You could ahve talked to me like a normal per-, I mean bird."

When Ciaran didnt answer he walked to his cot and laid down on it. He was going to rest for a while until supper was ready. He had an adventure to plan.



Here it is again with more improvements. (fingers crossed)

[Earniel]

That's better, although I personally think it could still use some more detail, especially in describing sceneries surrounding the character. Since this is only a draft, I won't mention spell checking yet but the placement of your comma between two empty spaces is somewhat distracting. I did notice you consistently called your character Meryn and only the bird calls him Merlyn. I assume this is a plot point and not merely an oversight.

Also, if this is the first chapter, you could perhaps explain the fear of enemies that has brought Meryn to nailing his windows shut. Ordinary people usually don't have to resort to this.

On one hand , adventure and knowing his familys fate and having someone to talk to. On the other , not being insane, not knowing anything, and being alone for all his days.

You seem to use a lot of commas and 'and's to connect your sentences. (I admit I abuse that occassionally in my stories too.) But it may be something to watch out for, so that your sentences remain easily readable.

I noticed you have Dutch text in your signature, are you by any chance from Belgium or the Netherlands?

[Thorir Orcbane]

Thanks for your help and criticism. I am a big boy and can take it , unlike some people who post their stuff online,lol. But I admit I was in some sort of a hurry to post this and I am working on revising it. I will add to why he nailed his windows shut if you want but you were going to find out later when Meryn and Ciaran have a more personal talk over supper. Also to the question of why Meryn was called Merlyn by Ciaran, you have to find that out later also. I will write more deatails but as I said earlier, I was in somewhat of a hurry. But the improvements I made , did you like them? Oh and I am not Dutch but I am German so I like to use the nighbouring lsngusge of the home country. Check out my profile if you want and you will see that I'm intrested in the Nordics and the Celts.

Originally Posted by Eärniel

That's better, although I personally think it could still use some more detail, especially in describing sceneries surrounding the character. Since this is only a draft, I won't mention spell checking yet but the placement of your comma between two empty spaces is somewhat distracting. I did notice you consistently called your character Meryn and only the bird calls him Merlyn. I assume this is a plot point and not merely an oversight.

Also, if this is the first chapter, you could perhaps explain the fear of enemies that has brought Meryn to nailing his windows shut. Ordinary people usually don't have to resort to this.


You seem to use a lot of commas and 'and's to connect your sentences. (I admit I abuse that occassionally in my stories too.) But it may be something to watch out for, so that your sentences remain easily readable.

I noticed you have Dutch text in your signature, are you by any chance from Belgium or the Netherlands?