There and . . . wait, I'm going WHERE?!

[FrodoFriend]

First post by Rogue Elf:

The Concluding Chapter: Unexpected Party...
(One Month Later...)

(Elijah Wood walks out from his house to throw out his recycling, when he hears footsteps behind him. He jerks around in defense, remembering very well what happened the last time he took out his recycling, but sees nothing. Elijah smiles and walks back inside his house.)

EW: Ah...I love normal life. [plops down on his couch]

(Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Elijah gets up to answer it.)

Short Strange-Looking Man With Beard: Hello, neighbor! I'm new in town and I thought I'd introduce myself! My name's Dweeb!
Elijah: Nice to meet you, Dweeb. I'm Elijah. [shakes the guy's hand]
Dweeb: Mind if I come in? It's rather chilly outside.
Elijah: No, not at all! Come on in.

(Dweeb goes in and sits on the couch as Elijah closes the door. Suddenly another knock comes. Elijah jerks back open the door.)

Elijah: Hello?
Another Short Strange-Looking Man With Beard: Hullo, neighbor! I'm Sweeb and I've just moved in down the street! I've come to make welcoming with homemade Apple Pie! [hands Elijah a homemade apple pie]
Elijah: [gasps!] I love apple pie! [lets Sweeb in the house]
Another Short Strange-Looking Man With Beard: Wait! I want to come in too! I'm Bleeb, and I've brought you some Triple German Chocolate Coconut Almond Vanilla Raspberry Peach Honey Cake!
Elijah: Wow! Thank you so much! [wipes away a tear]

(Elijah is about to close the door and suddenly the doorbell rings. He pulls it open. Two more short strange-looking men with beards are standing there.)

Two Short Strange-Looking Men With Beards: Hello, neighbor! We're Sili and Dili and we've just moved in town! We thought we'd greet our new next-door neighbor! [each hand Elijah a cake]
Elijah: [smiling] Thanks! I could use more sweets in the house... [lets Sili & Dili in]

(Elijah goes to put up the pie and two cakes when there's another knock on the door. He goes once again to answer it.)

Elijah: Hel--

(Standing in front of him this time are three short strange-looking men with beards. Elijah blinks a few times. Apparently it's beggining to scare him.)

Elijah: Umm...uhh....hi.
Three Short Strange-Looking Men With Beards: Hallo, neighbor! We're Bambi, Lambi, & Dambi! We've come to bring you homemade sweets!
Elijah: Umm....well....the more the merrier! [lets them in and they put the sweets on his kitchen table]

(Elijah is about to sit down when suddenly someone begins ringing his doorbell to the tune of "Jingle Bells". He runs up to the door in frustration and pulls it open.)

Elijah: Would you people--

(Four short strange-looking men with beards tumble in and fall flat on their faces. They quickly get up and introduce themselves.)

First Three Short Strange-Looking Men With Beards: Hello! We're Poin, Floin, & Moin!
Fourth Short Strange-Looking Man With Beard: And I'm the most important of them all, Thord! Lord of Comely Mountain! It was once the Lonely Mountain, but I, of course, brought all my people back to it and now it's over-populated with very friendly people, so it's now known as Comely Mountain.
Elijah: [blinks]

(They all then march their way in against Elijah's protests. Elijah's now whining and carrying on when he looks out the door and sees a really tall white-bearded man with a blue cloak, hat, and staff. He slowly looks up to the guy's face.)

Elijah: AAAHHHHH!!! Wayfarer! What are you doing here?!?!
Wayfarer: Well, you see...there's a slight predicament going on in Middle-Earth and we at the Messageboard need your help.
Elijah: [blinks many, many times as tears fall down his face] I was just making a friggin' movie....because I enjoy acting and....making lots of money and....and I thought that it would broaden my career and then.....then I could be well-known and...and...why are you tormenting me like this?!?!
Wayfarer: [blinks] Oh. So now it's my fault you chose to be Frodo Baggins? Now it's my fault you knew the consequences of becoming involved with the Tolkien World? Now it's my fault you ran into MAKING A MOVIE ABOUT MIDDLE-EARTH AND FACED THE CONSEQUENCES OF FINDING OUT OF HOW THE CRAZED AND DEDICATED FANS WOULD REACT!!!
Elijah: [unable to control his steady-falling tears] Wh...why did it have to happen to me, though? This just isn't fair! Why can't you just go away and never come back? Oh, I wish this never happened in my time!
Wayfarer: [kneels down sympathically in front of Elijah then realizes Elijah isn't short anymore so stands back up] I know...and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All they have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to them.
Elijah: [sniffing] Why isn't that for them to decide?
Wayfarer: Because you're dealing with TOLKIEN fans, you IMBECILE!
Elijah: [squeals] GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! I never want to see you again as long as I live! [slams the door in Wayfarer's face]

(All the short strange-looking men with beards turn to Elijah and lift their bushy eyebrows at him. Elijah is about to scream bloody murder at the sight of them, but they gather up all their sweets and storm out the back door.)

Thord: [huffs] So much for wanting to go on an adventure. Us Tolkien people can't even find good heroes anymore!
Sili: How about we go to Orlando Bloom's house? I heard he was an adrenaline junkie. He ought to be fun!

[jerseydevil]

This sounds eerily familar. Didn't you write this in the other thread.

Good start though. Wanted to post so I can get e-mails to notify me when people add to it.

[FrodoFriend]

Leaving the wimpified Elijah Wood in the dust, the 12 dwarves move on to Orlando's house.

OB: *while doing Tae-Bo* Man, life is boring. Maybe I should get another piercing. Or dye my hair.

Suddenly, OB's musical doorbell rings.
Doorbell: *plays theme from Mission: Impossible*

OB: Maybe it's a crazed fan or a news reporter! Then I can get an adrenaline rush off of sending them away! *runs to door*
OB: *opening the door* GET OFFA MY --

OB is silenced when all twelve dwarves fall on him.

OB: OOMPH!!

The 12 dwarves get up and introduce themselves.

Dweeb: Dweeb, at your service!
OB: Um.
Bleeb: Bleeb, at your service!
OB: Thanks!
Sweeb: Sweeb, at your service!
OB: Can
Sili: Sili, at your service!
OB: I
Dili: Dili, at your service!
OB: get
Bambi: Bambi, at your service!
OB: A WORD IN EDGEWISE HERE!!!

All the dwarves shut up and stare at OB, who is mildly panicking.

Bambi: Are you all right? We're sorry if we're bothering you.
OB: *wide-eyed* No, that's quite all right! Actually, I rather like being bothered! *smacks himself and shivers* Oh yeah, there's the adrenaline . . .

The Dwarves look at each other.

Thord: Don't give him the homemade sweets!

The Dwarves quickly hide their sugary foods.

OB: So anyway, what brings you here?
Thord: We need a bruglar and we want you to join our party.
OB: Party? Cool!
Thord: Not that kind of party, you dolt! A traveling party! And you, yes you, must be our bruglar!
OB: Don't you mean 'burglar'?
Thord: Heavens, no!! We don't want to burgle anyone! We need someone who can brugle, and brugle well.
OB: Did you just make that word up?
Thord: If I did, would you still come?
OB: Of course!
Thord: Okay, so I did.
OB: *starts jumping up and down hyperactively* When do we leave??? When do we leave???
Thord: Haven't you read the book? You are WAY too eager! You should be having a schizophrenic episode in which your Took and Baggins sides duke it out!
OB: Wha? *blinks*
Thord: Don't you know anything?!
OB: Look, if you're gonna be like that, you can just heigh-ho on out of here!
Thord: ACK! How dare you! That's Disney! We DON'T heigh-ho! Now shut up and say you'll be our bruglar!
OB: I already said I would. But you've gotta promise me one thing.
Thord: What?
OB: Don't even try to carry me around on your back!

[FrodoFriend]

Originally posted by jerseydevil
This sounds eerily familar. Didn't you write this in the other thread.

Good start though. Wanted to post so I can get e-mails to notify me when people add to it.

Yes, that's the end of "What would you do?" Rogue wrote it, and I posted it here again because it's also the beginning of "There and . . . wait, I'm going WHERE?" The dwarf names are cool. I wish I could call myself 'Floin'!

[Feraway Hawkbriar]

YAY! another fun thread of veiwing insanity! *happy happy*

[Wayfarer]

Thord: Wait... Shouldn't we sit down and discuss this?
OB: Why?
Thord: Well, because...
OB: Let's just go!
Thord: Fine...

(Some time later, an impatient Orlando Bloom is waiting for twelve coughing, wheezing dwarves to catch up.)
Thord: *gasp* Ok... we're here!
OB: Great! Now, which way are we goint? And More importantly, when is the going to be some action? I need my next fix!
Sili: Food!
Dili: Hooray!

(across the street is a resteraunt labeled MacDoughnalds, the dwarves and OB stop for lunch.)

Ob: So... you may as well tell me what we're doing now.
thord: Right...

(Would someone explain what this quest is going to be about, now?)

[FrodoFriend]

While the Dwarves all order Middle Earth Happy Meals, Orlando fills himself up a pint of root beer.

OB: Wow . . . I can't believe it comes in pints!
Sili: *unwrapping Happy Meal toy* Pick and axe! I got Saruman! *shows everyone his wizard action figure*
Dili: Oooh, I got Durin IV!
Floin: I got Helm Hammerhand!
Moin: *sighs* I got Thranduil . . . *looks sad*
OB: So, where are we going?
Thord: Could you pass me a packet of ketchup, please? Thanks. Anyway, about our quest. Would you like me to sing it to you in the traditional way of the Dwarves? *looks hopeful*
OB: No, a brief explanation would be just fine.
Thord: *downcast* Oh, all right. I am the Lord of the Comely Mountain in exile! *looks around to see if anyone has noticed him. Everyone continues eating without comment*
OB: Comely Mountain? Where's that?
Thord: Rather far from here. You see, several hundred years ago my grandfather Throoty-Tooty was King Within A Six Mile Radius Of The Mountain. Ah, if you could have seen the halls of our folk! Those were grand old days. Why, I remember when -
Bambi: Just tell him about the quest, Thord!
Thord: Oh, right. Well, in the day of Throoty-Tooty, the Kingdom Within A Six Mile Radius Of The Mountain was flourishing, and we Dwarves were rich beyond even Bill Gates' wildest dreams. Our treasure hoards were so huge that we stopped teaching our children to count because they couldn't possibly count that high in all their lives, so there was no point in them learning. But -
OB: Children??? You mean there are Dwarf women ??
Floin: Of course! We don't grow out of stone, you know!
OB: Do Dwarf women have beards?
Floin: They -
Thord: Ahem! The quest?
Floin: Right. Please continue.
Thord: Anyway, it was in these prosperous days that Smog, the Night Watchman first came to Comely Mountain. He was a night watchman who had been laid off his previous job, and he wanted a new hoard to guard. It was frightful! He came to the Front Gate and told the Dwarves that if they were not out of the Mountain by a count of 60, he would kill them all!
OB: How dreadful! *gets up & refills his root beer*
Thord: Quite! Especially since, as I said, the Dwarves could no longer count! There we were, all wondering what came after 2 and how many more numbers until 60, when before we could so much as grab a handful of treasure to take with us, Smog attacked and drove us out! I and two of my friends were the only survivors.
OB: And now you're going to reclaim your treasure?
Thord: Precisely! And you, my dear hyperactive fellow, are going to help us by being our bruglar!
OB: Wait . . . what exactly does a bruglar do?
Thord: He brugles.
OB: Meaning . . . ?
Thord: Oh I don't know! Make something up!
OB: *grins* Okay. Heh heh heh . . .
Thord: Anyway, we're going to Comely Mountain, and Wayfarer will be coming part of the way with us. A wizard does come in handy sometimes, and we're going to need him, since I have no idea how to get into Comely Mountain or even how to get there.

At this moment, Wayfarer enters the MacDoughnald's and orders three Troll-sized Macs.

Thord: There he is! Wayfarer!
Other Dwarves: Wayfarer!

Wayfarer drops his burgers on the floor.

WY: *groans* So much for that vacation . . .

[Starr Polish]

Wayfarer: [kneels down sympathically in front of Elijah then realizes Elijah isn't short anymore so stands back up]

Hehe..actually, he is fairly short, for a guy.

[Feraway Hawkbriar]

na-uh! he's 5'6, same height as me!...Thats not short...not really.



...OB...hehehehe.

[Starr Polish]

I am from the land of tall guys...and I'm one SHORT girl

[FrodoFriend]

Me too! Perhaps hobbit blood flows in our veins?

[Starr Polish]

Maybe...I'm about five foot, even, but I have tiny ickle feet. I may grow still though, I'm not sixteen yet, and my sister grew until she was eighteen ::crosses fingers:: I'm used to being short...the only thing I don't like about it is the guy/girl height ratio in dating (lets just say dancing is REALLY hard when your boyfriend is 8 or more inches taller than you) and it may be a hindrance in my 'acting career'...well, the one I want to persue.

[Gerbil]

Could be worse - you could be really tall.
It just doesn't work for guys.
I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about tall girls too often, but I did meet a nice girl from Trinidad who is 6 foot 2, with big hair. Now THAT was scary.

Small girls are cute - ya just wanna hug 'em and squeeze 'em.
Pocket-sized girlfriends are best

[Feraway Hawkbriar]

I knew this girl during my freshmen who was like..maybe 3'4..and she was such a B****. I mean seriously totaly cheerleader teenibopper princess...thing. Totally condesending on anyone who didnt wear glitter and pink or little kitty shirts 24/1. And stupid as all hell. Oh how I hate her. T_T

[Gerbil]

Ah yes, but was her hideous nature due to her being small, or was she just a beeyatch anyway?

My problem is I think small girls are cute (unless REALLY ugly). No matter what they do
Which can be pretty frustrating for the girls if they are angry with me and I'm just going 'awwwwwwww!' all the time!

[Feraway Hawkbriar]

nah..she was just a b****..the talk of height and your comment on 'pocket sized' reminded me of her.

[Starr Polish]

Oi...I'm a short lickle girl, BUT...I hate it when people come up to me and go "Omigosh you're so SHORT!" Really, I hadn't noticed, thanks. Gah. Then people try to pick me up and spin me around or pat me on the head. Now, some of my friends can do this, but not people I don't know...grr.

[Wayfarer]

*/Knows two sisters that are 5'8 and 5'11 respectively. ne's petite, and the other's... hobbit proportioned. They're nice though.

Anyway, back to the story...

Wayfarer: Oh! Look! Here's Thord right before me!
Thord: I'm sorta to your left...
Wayfarer: Right! You know, I was just thinking about you... for some reason I felt I should drop by here. Isn't that... strange. [He looks downcast]
Thord: As a matter of fact, we were just talking about you!
Wayfarer: How... nice. You know... as I stopped by here it occured to me that ithis road also goes to your hovels.
Thord: Our what? Oh! You mean our great halls in exile.
Wayfarer [coughs]: not so great the last time I was there.
Thord: What was that?
Wayfarer: I said... I'm sure we're both thinking about the same thing right now...
Thord: What's that? Smog?
Wayfarer: No... that the service here is horrible. But, now that you mention it, I'm sure you have a great plan to take are of him as well... right?
Thord looks at his feet.
Bleeb and Dweeb head for the bathroom.
Sili, Kili, and some other dwarves are suddenly engrossed in thier food.
Bambi: *Ahem*
All: What?
Bambi gestures sweepingly to OB.
Wayfarer: Oh... great. I feel better already. Now... I think I'll hae some food to settle my stomach...

[Feraway Hawkbriar]

hehehe..OB....*snerk*

Yes, I know I'm bad.

[Wayfarer]

*/is keeping judisciously silent on that one.