Erin the Elf: Preface

[Lief Erikson]

Okay .

Ready for more. Not many specific comments for this part. I'm interested in General Brent. He sounds like he could be an interesting new character for us to get in touch with.

I'm not positive entirely what the coup people are always referring to was.

Originally posted by Nurvingiel
“I’m gonna say right now that I want to do this without bloodshed. I don’t support civil was either,” Erin said decisively.
“We should avoid it at all costs,” agreed Tyler, “But sometimes, you have to defend yourself.” Emily nodded.
“Okay then,” Erin conceded.
“Great, let’s be off.

In the first sentence, I think you meant civil war, not civil was.

The last sentence is the one I really noticed, though. It seems a very odd way for Tyler to be expressing himself in this instance. They're just talking about possibly fighting their countrymen, and Tyler's saying the word "great" right after that, sounds rather wierd. It makes it seem more as though they're playing a game than acting in real life. In real life if we were considering going against our countrymen in self defense to depose our government because it's corrupt, we wouldn't be using words like "great" when we're finished discussing the ethics of it . Just sounds rather flippant.


You're going to begin posting the remaining parts in a new thread, correct?

[Nurvingiel]

I did mean "civil war", thanks.

I'm going to keep posting in the same thread because I think it would be simpler.

[Nurvingiel]

It was dusk when Erin, Emily and Tyler reached the river Stoody. “This is a river?” said Erin. The body of water they faced was a deep, rushing stream, narrow enough to jump over.
“Well, we’re still in the foot hills, but many tributaries join it, so it will be huge once we reach the plains,” Emily explained. “It’s not a river at all here, but tomorrow we will get to a part where we can start canoeing.”
“Emily, do you mind if I, erm… make a fire? To… erm, cook dinner,” asked Tyler nervously.
“Of course not, why would I mind?” replied Emily, puzzled. “Oh right, because I’m a Tree. Though we don’t need fire ourselves, or like it, we acknowledge that it’s part of nature. We probably should eat your supplies first, mine will keep indefinitely. I’ll get you some wood.”
“I’ll help you,” offered Erin. They walked back into the forest. “So, why is it you’re supplies keep indefinitely?” She had a mental image of dried lichen.
“They’re specially baked fruit bars, wrapped especially so they don’t lose their freshness. They do go stale after a few months, but even then you can still eat them.” Emily gathered wood selectively, only taking one or two sticks from any area. Erin followed her example, and noticed they didn’t leave much of an impact on the forest. Erin took a couple logs so Tyler would have something to cook on. They returned to camp and deposited their sticks beside the area Tyler had cleared.
“How did you get so many more sticks than me?” asked Erin, impressed. Emily had at least twice as many.
“I am a Tree,” Emily said, her answer for almost anything. Erin realized there was much she didn’t know about Trees, though her knowledge of trees was considerable.
Tyler built an excellent fire, which Emily avoided, and started cooking. Tyler made an amazing dinner – stew and rice – with only a few pouches of dried food from his pack. The smells of this new foreign food drew Emily to the fire. She was eating a large, wavy, orange mushroom. “Your meal looks delicious Tyler, mind if I try a bite?”
“Sure,” Tyler offered his bowl. “Can I try some mushroom?”
“I think this fungi is poisonous to you,” said Emily, unsure. Erin looked at the fungus more closely.
“It’s poisonous to Humans and Trolls, but not to Elves,” Erin said, holding out her hand for a taste. Emily smiled, impressed at her knowledge, and gave her a large chunk. Emily tried Tyler’s stew and found it delicious. “Wow, this is amazing! Eating isn’t just an act of survival for you.”
“No, I love cooking,” Tyler replied. “It’s one skill that makes a long campaign more bearable.”
“I wish my own provisions tasted half this good!” said Emily. The lichen image came again to Erin’s mind. “I mean, they are good,” Emily tried to repair the damage, “But it’s just that the stew is so awesome… oh boy.” Tyler and Erin laughed pleasantly.
“Don’t disparage your own provisions until we’ve tried them,” laughed Tyler.
“You’re right, why don’t you try some, before I really put you off,” Emily said, getting out a fruit bar. Tyler and Erin quickly demolished the rest of the stew – the long hike had made them hungry.
“You guys eat fast, it took me the entire time you were cooking to have my dinner.”
“You already ate? What was it?” asked Erin, curious about Tree habits.
“Mostly decomposed leaves and other organic matter. That fungus was my desert. It’s a real prize to find something like that.” Emily broke the fruit bar in half.
“Don’t you want any?” asked Tyler as he took his share.
“No, I’m quite full. I’ve also been photosynthesizing all day,” replied Emily.
“You know, these are really good,” said Erin, “Though I expect we’ll get tired of them after a while. Still, my mental image of lichen is dispelled.” Emily and Tyler looked at her questioningly. “I thought your supplies would be dried lichen.”
“Yeech, no! Trees don’t eat lichen!” said Emily, grossed out. Erin thought her disgust was funny, since Emily ate rotting leaves.
“It’s because lichen grows on Trees. They don’t give us any nutriment,” Emily explained.
“Is that why your legs are darker below the knees?” asked Erin, immediately blushing because she felt her question was impolite.

Emily wasn’t bothered, and she indicated some lichen on her clothes. “This here is lichen. But this,” Emily pointed to her dark calves, “Is actually mycorrhizae. It’s a fungus that has a symbiotic relationship with Trees. Actually, that mushroom we ate earlier was one of its fruits.” Tyler got ready for bed, but Erin and Emily decided to stay up talking about Trees, trees, and Biology in general. Erin was very good at Biology, and learned a lot about forest ecosystems. You never know when that might come in useful… woah, thought Erin.
“We are geeks,” said Emily, seemingly reading Erin’s thoughts.
“And you never know when that might be handy,” replied Erin. They both laughed, and went to bed.

[Black Breathalizer]

Thumb's up!!!!

Very entertaining, Nurvingiel. You rock!

[Nurvingiel]

Sweet! Thanks BB! Any suggested edits or anything? I've looked this part over so many times I can't see mistakes anymore. But I know they're there. On to segment 2!



The next day, Erin, Emily, and Tyler rose just before dawn. They were following a narrow game trail that generally followed the stream, and they made excellent time. “Emily and I figure we’ll meet up with General Brent today,” said Tyler.
Erin was excited at the prospect. “You and General Brent were in the Dragon Wars together weren’t you?”
“Yes. We were both seventeen. When we signed up, there was no thought of war.” Tyler paused. “This is a long story.”
“This is a long hike,” replied Emily, she was as eager as Erin to hear this story.
“Well,” Tyler began, “It all started when we met the Elf Queen Gilfrine at a pub called The King’s Study Carrel. The Evil Overlord had sent us to kill her. This was before our current Overlord Tolemy,” he added as a side note, “It was his predecessor, Garrod. She wanted complete control over The Island. She had already eliminated the Human King, and the Troll government had been unorganized for years.”
Erin thought of the creation of the Getoe Triangle when she was sixteen. It was done for their survival when the Dragon Wars began.
“Garrod was holding back her plans of domination until the Elf Queen was eliminated as well. How Brent and I were involved in her rescue instead of her death is how the Dragon War really started.” Tyler remembered the war vividly – it was only three years ago.


Tyler and Brent became good friends at the basic training camp for new recruits. Tyler was a cook and also showed great leadership and skill in combat. Brent was also a natural fighter, and a skilled engineer with previous training. Along with other skilled soldiers, they were given more advanced training. Garrod had assembled talented fighters who were also highly intelligent to train as an elite group of assassins. The Evil Overlord sent her army to comb the Elves kingdom, but that was just a diversion. Garrod actually planned to send her newly trained assassins to eliminate the Elven Queen.

When Tyler and Brent realized what their training was for, they started to subtly work against the Evil Overlord. They both felt that Garrod was a destructive force, rather than the unifying leader the Overlord is supposed to be. They also resented her attack on their King when she took over the Human kingdom. By attacking their governments, Garrod was becoming an enemy from which the people needed to be defended. Brent and Tyler could not allow her to gain control over all The Island’s kingdoms. Right now, she was focusing her attention on the Elves, and not solidifying her control over the Troll and Human kingdoms. Now was the right time to act to restore a proper government. Tyler and Brent were not looking forward to going up against their own comrades.

Tyler and Brent trained twice as hard as they normally did in order to win the mission of assassinating the Elven Queen. They felt that going themselves was the best way to foil the attempt. They stopped all their other actions against the Evil Overlord, and plotted only in the most secret and cryptic ways possible. Their efforts in doubling their already intense training paid off. They, along with six others, were chosen to assassinate the Elf Queen Gilfrine.

Tyler and Brent were the best assassins, and were expected to be the successful team. Tyler and Brent planned to be the first to find her, but no one suspected they were going to ruin the Overlord’s plan – they hoped. Tyler and Brent also had a lot of influence with the other assassins, who trusted them implicitly, and regarded them as their leaders. To advance their plan, Brent and Tyler ‘discovered’ several leads, and dispersed the team to various false directions all over The Island. By the time their friends had pursued the leads to their false ends, Brent and Tyler planned to have deposed the Evil Overlord Garrod.

Tyler and Brent did not have any real leads to the Elf Queen’s whereabouts, but at least they could pursue her without fear of her immediate assassination. For two weeks, they searched The Island, concentrating mainly on Elf territory. Obviously the Queen was avoiding detection by all, but at least no one deduced that Brent and Tyler were in the Evil Overlord’s service.

At last, they found Queen Gilfrine in a small inn on the edge of the Elven kingdom. It was an odd little establishment, not well known to travelers, but the pub seemed to be popular with the villagers. After their journey, they were hungry, stiff and tired. They had had to travel at night and keep a low profile, especially in the Elves territory. Any non-Elf was out of place there, and they were doubly on guard because of the trouble with the Evil Overlord. Tyler and Brent had hired horses for many parts of the search, but now they were on foot, with heavy packs.

[Lief Erikson]

Ready for the next. But jeepers! Not particularly nice to leave off just as they find her :-/ .

[Nurvingiel]

Muahahaha! Actually, I couldn't help it, the post would have been too long otherwise. Enjoy! I'll post the next 2 sections.


“We can kill two birds with one stone here,” said Brent. They surveyed the inn from a distance, hidden in the trees. “We can check the place out and make sure she’s really here, and also have a hot dinner and a beer.”
“Not to mention a comfortable, warm nights’ sleep,” added Tyler. “Let’s check in as ordinary guests and go from there. We’re not known to many Elves, so we should be okay.” They walked into the pub, which was called The King’s Study Carrel. “What an odd name for a pub,” Tyler mused, but his comment was drowned out by the loud, cheerful conversations of the pub’s many patrons.
They approached the bar. Tyler surveyed the room as he walked, taking it all in – the layout of the room, where people were sitting, the level of the light, and subtle details that were instincts and feelings to him. He knew Brent did the same.
Brent leaned on the counter and a man approached them, presumably the innkeeper. “We’d like a room please. A comfortable one, with two beds,” said Brent. They had been roughing it for two weeks, and deserved to splurge a little. Besides, neither man wanted to sleep on a hard surface for one more night if they could help it.
The innkeeper smiled, “Come with me.” He was middle aged and of average height, with thick brown hair and a ruddy complexion. “The best rooms are on the third floor.” He led them up the stairs, limping slightly.
The third floor had a wide hallway with a polished hardwood floor and white-painted walls. “This floor tends to be quieter. Not as many people stay up here, and you’re away from the noise of the pub. You can have room thirty nine.” Room 39 was at the end of the hall where there was also a dark alcove with book-laden desk. Brent glanced at it; it appeared dusty and unused. The innkeeper was amiable and business-like, and introduced himself as Johnson.
“We’ll come down for dinner after we’ve had a bath,” said Brent – a very welcome statement indeed.

The bath house was a separate building behind the inn. For such an obscure place, it was prosperous and of high quality. Most of the patrons were Elves, and there were a few Trolls and Humans. Perhaps the inn was better known to travelers than they had originally thought.

Tyler and Brent returned from the baths, much refreshed. The sun was setting, and a misty half-light settled over everything. Out of the corner of his eye, Tyler saw the fleeting shadow of a rapidly moving person. “See that?” he said quietly to Brent. Brent nodded shortly, and neither man spoke until they reached the pub. They were pleased to see that the pub was still crowded and noisy. This was the best environment to have a private conversation because there was little chance of being overheard, or to look suspicious.
They sat down with a pint of Guinness each, and two hot dinners on order. “Do you think were being followed?” said Brent, sipping his beer.
“That shadow was very suspicious. People don’t usually dodge around like that, trying not to be seen,” Tyler replied.
“She might know who we are,” said Brent, referring to the Elven Queen. “She must be very well informed to have stayed in power this long.”
“But our group was formed secretly, and operates the same way.” Tyler and Brent were being slightly cryptic about the assassins, just in case. “Most of our own army doesn’t even know about it.”
“However, this is exactly the type of thing she’d make it her business to know,” said Brent. Tyler leaned back in his chair, sipping his Guinness thoughtfully. There were six Elves at the table nearest them, engaged in a loud debate, and eating. A server with a tray approached Brent and Tyler, delivering two steaming bowls of stew and two pieces of bread. “And you gentleman will be staying for two nights?” she said, placing their dinners in front of them. Tyler and Brent nodded in confirmation. “We can add your meals to your tab,” explained the server.
“Very efficient,” said Tyler as she left, “She already talked to Johnson.” The retreating form of the server partially concealed the arrival of a slim elf to the nearby group of debaters. For a moment there was a lull in their discussion, then one of them banged loudly on the table, saying, “Pye Arche’s theories have not been proven experimentally!”

[Nurvingiel]

Brent frowned slightly, “I could have sword they were talking about chemistry before. Pye Arche is a famous astronomer.”
Tyler started to eat his stew. “Actually, I’m a bit suspicious of them. Maybe we should make our move tonight.”
Brent agreed. “If we are being followed, it’s imperative they know we’re not a threat as soon as possible.” He tore off some of the bread and dipped it in the stew. “This is fantastic,” he added, “When they said the dinner was stew and bread, I was expecting something like the crap we were eating on our journey.”
“My stew is not crap,” replied Tyler, slightly miffed, “It’s not my fault I was using freeze-dried beef, and I didn’t have any new potatoes on hand. And excuse me if I didn’t find an oven to bake fresh bread every morning.” Tyler was an excellent cook, and he knew it.
“Erm, of course. Well it’s just that this is really excellent,” said Brent. Tyler grinned and drank his beer, not really offended.
“Let’s finish our dinner and sit by the fire. I want to see what they do,” Tyler said, momentarily flicking his eyes at the debating table. They made short work of the remaining food and drink, and stood up without looking at the suspicious group. As they left, the other table didn’t even pause in their fluid and loud arguments.

As Tyler sat by the fire, he immediately received a strong sense of powerful magic. The image of a tall, beautiful Elf flashed briefly in his mind. He knew for absolute certain that this was Queen Gilfrine, and she was sitting directly on his left.
“Actually Brent,” he said, “I think we should try the cider before we get comfortable. I hear it’s good.” Tyler had heard no such thing, but he was sure it was true in this excellent pub. His comment shouldn’t attract suspicion. Facing away from the Queen, he gave Brent a meaningful look.
“Good idea,” Brent said smoothly, standing up. They left the fire to order the cider at the bar.
Tyler ordered two half-pints of Strongbow cider, and the bartender updated their tab. “So?” asked Brent quietly.
“I could sense her magic as soon as I sat down - it’s very powerful. She was on my immediate left.”
“With that tough-looking blond Elf beside her? I can’t believe I didn’t notice,” said Brent.
“She looks pretty tough herself,” added Tyler.
“Too true. So how do we approach her? All I can think of is the old I’m-sorry-I-spilt-my-cider-in-your-lap maneuver, and she’d be way too smart for that.”
“She probably gets hit on all the time. But we’re half her age; we couldn’t pull that off either.”
“I’m doubting it with that bodyguard of hers. But why don’t we sit by them and let them make the first move. There’s only two of them, so it probably won’t degenerate into a fight like it might otherwise,” suggested Brent quietly. Tyler agreed. If there was bloodshed between them and their potential allies, their careful planning would be ruined.
They returned to the fire with their cider, and the chairs they had occupied before were still free. Tyler received no more visions from the Elven Queen’s magic, but he was constantly aware of its gently humming presence.
Unfortunately, Queen Gilfrine made no attempt to approach them, though Tyler and Brent were both sure that she was suspicious of them. Her guard glared at them occasionally, but then again, he glared at everyone. The Queen didn’t seem to know Tyler was aware of her magic. This entire situation was difficult, and Brent and Tyler didn’t want to disrupt the delicate balance.
After about an hour, the Queen and her guard left the pub. Brent and Tyler couldn’t think of a way of following them without attracting attention. Frustrated, they let a suitable amount of time pass and returned to their own room.
Tyler took out the room keys to unlock the door. “Hey, check this out Tyler,” said Brent, before he could open the door. Brent went into the disused alcove, and sat at the desk. “Maybe this is the King’s study carrel, for which the pub is named,” he said.
“So that’s what that thing is.” Tyler put the keys in his pocket and randomly selected a book from the desk. Tyler read its title, “Meditations on the Abyss.” He put it back and read some of the other titles. “‘Ceremonies of Light and Dark’, ‘War Without End, Parts I and II’, ‘The Day of the Dead’… hmm, they seem to be about philosophy or religion.”
“Maybe this one might be a novel then: The Corps is Mother, The Corps is Father. That title makes no sense. Maybe it’s a weird book on parenting in the army,” said Brent, joking. As Tyler looked at a heavy tome with the strange title ‘Thirdspace’, he felt a subtle humming inside his mind.
“Brent, this alcove, or maybe the books, are also magic. Odd that we would be near so much in one day.”

[Lief Erikson]

Finished with that also. Ready for the next! Unless of course you'd rather wait for your other reader(s).

[Lief Erikson]

. . . and with the second post also.

[Nurvingiel]

Holy crap Lief! I seriously posted that only 2 minutes ago! I think I'll let everyone catch up. Though, if anyone gets behind, they can feel free to take their time. Edits/reviews for all parts of the story are welcome at all times.
I'm going to resist the urge to post the next bits, partly because I want everyone to have a chance to read segments 3 and 4, but also so I don't run out of material!
I'm not yet finished Part III. On the other hand, it needs a lot more work than the first two parts. I have edited it less, and I did some tricky writing describing fights. That is so hard! I'm looking forward to working on that part.

Thanks Beta Readers/Elf Editors! I can never thank people preforming your valuable task enough. You are invaluable.

[Lief Erikson]

I have one critical comment, meant in good spirit. It sometimes to me feels as though this story moves rather slowly. This doesn't mean just add more action, though that might be helpful, but it just means perhaps take a little less time on the recesses between events occurring.

[Nurvingiel]

An excellent point Lief. I do want to take the time to develop the characters, and describe the rich world of The Island. Writing non-stop action would also be boring. I also want more build up to the action parts, but I entirely see what you mean. I can accomplish my goals without having the story drag.

Re-reading the story, I can't think what I would cut out. I'm quite attached to it, and almost couldn't bear to part with any secitons of the story.

Please note I said "almost". Do you have any suggestions as to what could go, or techniques that I could generally apply to my writing to avoid this in the future?

I am, of course, completely not offended. You were extremely polite anyway, but I still recognize that you are commenting on my work, not me as a person.

[Nurvingiel]

I also made an edit based on one you suggested Lief.

I changed this:

“I’ve seen a few of those guys,” Erin whispered back. “I think they represent a threat, because they're probably a hostile force, but I don’t think they will attack us right now. All we can do is tell the next watch.” Their own watch was almost over.

To this:

“I’ve seen a few of those guys,” Erin whispered back. “I think they represent a threat as a hostile force, but I don’t think they will attack us right now. All we can do is tell the next watch.” Their own watch was almost over.

[Nurvingiel]

I realized I've already written about seven segments of Part III, so I'm going to post at a faster pace. Here's a couple more parts, that I'm sure Lief will devour in mere seconds.


“What is it, a spell make it appear boring and disused? That didn’t deter us though, we’re always interested in books,” replied Brent.
“Actually…” started Tyler, but he never got the chance to finish the sentence.
“You will exit the alcove with your hands in the air,” said a dangerous, no-nonsense, male voice. “We have several bows aimed at you. Don’t try anything.” Apparently, Tyler thought, the spell also makes you unobservant of important events unfolding right behind you. Tyler was normally aware of everything around him, as was Brent. They slowly raised their hands and moved into the hall way.

Ranged before them were five Elves. The two in front, and to the side, were Queen Gilfrine and her guard, daggers drawn. Between them, and standing further back, were three more Elves with bows. Brent recognized them from the table of debaters. “Using bows at such short range is crude, but still effective,” said the blond guard.
“Come with us,” the Queen said, “We will not hurt you unless you give us cause.” The bodyguard snorted derisively and looked as though he wanted to finish them off right then and there. The Queen glared at him and he shut up quickly, slightly abashed, but no less murderous. Tyler and Brent were led to a room further along the hall. The Elves were arranged militarily around them, and it would have been foolish to try to attack them – if they had wanted.
Entering the room, Tyler and Brent saw two more Elves from the debating table. Tyler suspected the remaining two Elves were guarding the stairs, stalling other guests of the third floor. They were made to sit in chairs, where they were frisked and tied up. “They’re clean,” said the Elf frisking Brent. Clearly, he was surprised. The Elves had removed only their swords, which they carried out of habit, and they had expected to find an assassin’s usual tools. Tyler reflected that perhaps they should have gone to the pub unarmed. Any battle with the Elves would do more harm than good no matter what the outcome.
“This is Tylard Crete,” said the Queen, indicating the blond, fearsome-looking Elf. “He is my Champion. Now explain your business.” The Queen’s voice also had a dangerous ring to it. Brent and Tyler knew they were treading on very thin ice, or perhaps, a very thin iceberg in a vast arctic sea.
Tyler took a guess, “You must know by now that we were sent by the Evil Overlord to assassinate you.” The Queen said nothing, stone-faced, but the other Elves looked shocked at his boldness and muttered amongst themselves.
“However,” he interjected, “You should also know that we have been working against her for months. She disrupted our government too, and we don’t like her any more than you do.”
“I find that hard to believe,” said the Queen. “Garrod is responsible for the death of many of my close friends and relations. My half-brother had an unfortunate and highly suspicious accident while out hunting over a year ago. My elderly aunt, who was in perfect health, died in her sleep a mere two months later. Six months ago, my husband was openly assassinated. Four of my advisors were also assassinated, and the remaining important members of my government have been in hiding since then, fearing for their lives. Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you right now. As you said, we know you were sent to assassinate me.” Tylard Crete shifted restlessly, seemingly eager to carry out the impending order. Tyler and Brent exchanged worried looks. They had had no idea that Garrod had been working this severely, and for this long, against the Elves. The Overlord had always been reticent on her activities concerning the Elves.
“Because we are not enemies,” said Brent, “We never intended to assassinate you, though we let the Evil Overlord believe this. We led the six other assassins on false leads. We know the Overlord is a danger to everyone on The Island, and must be stopped.”
“You betrayed your Overlord then. Why should we trust traitors like you? You could be playing both sides against the middle,” demanded the Queen.
“Because we are loyal to the office of the Evil Overlord, but if it’s held by someone who’s a danger to her people, then they are the traitor, and must be stopped,” said Tyler eloquently.

[Nurvingiel]

“And interesting way to split hairs,” glared the Queen, but she seemed at least partially satisfied. Tylard must have sensed this too, since he lowered his dagger.
As long as Tyler was relatively near the Queen, he could sense her magic. When she had angrily described the assassinations of her friends and loved ones, it had surged powerfully. “Stand down,” Queen Gilfrine said to the Elves with bows. “Elkeriann, check the hall.” One of the guard elves went out to the hall. After a moment, she returned to the open door and nodded. “Take them to their room, and leave them tied to the chairs.” The Elf who had frisked Tyler before now took his keys. Still tied to the chairs, Tyler and Brent were carried into their room by two elves each. Only one Elf stayed to guard them, and he was given the keys. He was shorter than most Elves, and was very lean and wiry. His pointed face was care-worn, and he was probably in his mid-forties.
“I am Yarras,” said the Elf. “Which one of you is Tyler and which is Brent?” He drew his sword and sat away from them on one of the beds, sword across his knees.
“I am Brent.”
“And I’m Tyler,” he said, though now it was obvious. Brent sighed and looked at the beds. They were in for the most uncomfortable night yet, barring the hailstorm, and the time a lone wolf wandered into their camp. Tyler knew what Brent’s sigh meant, because he was thinking the same thing. It was now completely dark outside, and after a while, Brent and Tyler slept lightly, still tied to the chairs. Sometime in the middle of the night, Yarras was relieved by another guard.


The growling of her stomach snapped Erin out of her reverie. She had been completely absorbed in the story, but not so much that she couldn’t stay on the trail. “Sorry to interrupt, I’m completely fascinated by your story, but I’m also starving. Do you want to stop for lunch?”
“Oh yeah, I’m hungry too,” said Emily, as though she had just realized it.
“Sure,” said Tyler. He shrugged off his pack and moved off the trail to prepare lunch. Soon, they were eating black bean soup, cooked to perfection, and twice baked bread. Emily produced a handful of decomposing leaves for herself, and had a taste of the soup.
“Nice soup Tyler, can you tell us more of the story over lunch?” asked Erin. Emily nodded with anticipation.
“Oh come on, I’ll get hoarse,” pleaded Tyler.
“Alright then, but I have a question. Did Queen Gilfrine have any family left? What happened to her was terribly sad,” Erin persisted.
“Well, essentially no,” answered Tyler. “She had one daughter that was lost to her when she was quite young. She didn’t really go into detail about it, just that she had placed her daughter into fosterage. Something happened that they lost track of her. She said she did it for her daughter’s protection. I got the impression that it wasn’t supposed to be for very long, but something went terribly wrong. The Queen wouldn’t talk about it; it was a tragic event, and she had recently lost her husband and all her family.” A fleeting, insubstantial thought pricked in Erin’s mind, but it was gone as quickly as it came.
“Why did she confide in you? Did you become friends?” asked Emily.
“Yes.”
“And how did ol’ Tylard take that? He seems like a tough nut,” continued Emily.
“Oh, it turns out he wasn’t that bad in the end. He was just very devoted to the Queen, and his position required him to kill many enemies. He had foiled many attempts on her life already.” Tyler paused and finished his soup.
“Was it always Garrod attacking her? Did the Queen have many enemies?” asked Erin.
“Argh! Enough questions!” said Tyler, trying to get out of continuing the story for the time being.
“Go on…” urged Emily. Tyler took an enormous bite of their chewy, slightly stale bread.
“Mmmph… rude… to talk with mouth… full,” Tyler chewed heartily and refused to answer any more questions. Emily and Erin subsided, and talked about other things as Tyler relaxed. They moved away to give him some space.

It was mid-day, and they had made excellent time hiking all morning. Erin reclined against a tree, enjoying the beautiful forest. The stream was much wider here, and there were many willow trees nearby. The rest of the forest was mostly birch, aspen, and some pine. Insects hummed in the background, and the sun shining through the leaves produced a calming, green effect. “We’ll definitely reach our rendezvous point today, we’re even ahead of schedule,” said Emily. She was standing between two birch trees.

[Lief Erikson]

Ready for more.

Originally posted by N
Re-reading the story, I can't think what I would cut out. I'm quite attached to it, and almost couldn't bear to part with any secitons of the story.

Please note I said "almost". Do you have any suggestions as to what could go, or techniques that I could generally apply to my writing to avoid this in the future?

I'm not going to go and review it all to suggest that. Conversation is good to have, but it can bog the story down if it takes up space and is unrelated to the plot. As a general rule of thumb, I never (with only one exception, thus far) have a scene occur that has no bearing upon the plot. Every scene should be related to your plan for the story, otherwise the story will drag. As many scenes as you wish can contain conversation, yet every scene should have a purpose to the plot.

That's what I do, anyway. If every scene has a purpose, then so long as those scenes aren't too long, the reader will continue with them, absorb them, and want to know what happens next.

Not to say what you're doing now is killing that desire or anything, obviously! I'm really enjoying the story. My sister wrote a story very similar to yours in some ways, and that one I also enjoyed reading.

Writing non-stop action would also be boring. I also want more build up to the action parts, but I entirely see what you mean. I can accomplish my goals without having the story drag.

I agree with you about non-stop action having potential to be boring. I wrote a book about 80 pages long several years ago. It was non-stop action and boring in the extreme. I was enthusiastic though, anyway . But that book shouldn't be inflicted on others, necessarily. The only reason I want to reread it now is because my writing of several years ago is potentially very humorous. Sometimes When I was younger I sometimes made the most wild things happen and was completely serious about them. Now they make fun comedy.

An excellent point Lief. I do want to take the time to develop the characters, and describe the rich world of The Island.

Character development and description of your world is very good to include. However, if I were you I'd not take doing these things as an also. I accomplish these aims at the same time as accomplishing plot objective. They don't have to be additions to what you're doing, and it's best to not take much time away from the story with them. However, including them within the structure of the story can enable you to complete these goals at the same time as keeping the story moving.

For example, you were able to develop the characters of Tylard, Gilfrine, Brent and Tyler all at the same time, in a scene that was involving definite plot movement. Except of course that it was a flashback, but all the same, it still was plot movement. That's the kind of thing I mean. Those scenes had definite points plotwise, but they also taught us things about the characters, got relationships and other interactions between people developed, etc. All at the same time and within the movement of the plot.

That's the kind of thing that I mean. It's possible to include some of the other, but best to make it included within the plot, rather than as an appendage to the plot.

[Nurvingiel]

Thanks Lief! When I have a little more time, I'm going to go through the story again. I can think of one or two scenes off the top of my head that could be shortened or eliminated, or changed to advance the plot more effectively. I'll do that side by side with your excellent advice. Now, on to the next two segments...

[Nurvingiel]

Erin looked up, “I’m excited to meet the famous General Brent. Imagine that he and Tyler were made assassins when they were only seventeen! And they were regarded as leaders too. Then, they had to guts to move against the Evil Overlord. If discovered, I’m sure Garrod wouldn’t have hesitated to kill them horribly.”
“Yeah, those guys are really brave,” Emily said, looking over at Tyler. She sat down next to Erin. “You know what Erin?” Emily said more quietly, “I really like Tyler.”
“I like him too, he’s a really great guy.”
“No, I mean I really like him,” Emily said emphatically, “You know, as one Tree likes another… erm.” Emily looked down, slightly embarrassed. “Except he’s a Human. It’s all so confusing. But Tyler is so hot.” Emily was the sort of person who needed to say what was on her mind, and she trusted Erin to keep her confidence.
“Ah,” Erin understood. “Tyler is hot. But don’t worry,” she added, “You won’t get any competition from me.”
“Maybe it’s the beard, that’s very Tree-ish you know,” Emily mused.
“I’m sure it’s more than that.”
“Oh I know, I’m just being facetious. Well, partially. And I really like him as a friend too. I’ve only just realized I had a crush on him.” Emily felt as though she could tell Erin anything, and upon reflection, Erin realized she felt the same way. Erin and Emily sat in a comfortable silence for a while, enjoying the beautiful day. Tyler snoozed peacefully under a tree, his cooking gear now clean and carefully stowed away. After a while, Erin felt that they should head out. She went over to Tyler and gently roused him.
“Hey Tyler? I think we should keep going now. And I’m not just saying that just because I want to hear the end of the story,” Erin grinned. Tyler open his eyes and smiled. He stood up and stretched mightily. Glancing at the sun to approximate the time, he agreed. Tyler and Erin shouldered their packs and headed back to the path. Seeing their activity, Emily grabbed her pack and led the way. Erin and Emily waited for Tyler to continue the story patiently but expectantly.
Tyler smiled. Secretly, he enjoyed telling this story. “Now let’s see, where was I…”


Morning arrived, and Tyler and Brent were stiff and tired. They had not slept well, but when the Queen and Tylard entered the room, they pretended that they had.
“We have decided to trust you,” Queen Gilfrine said simply. Tyler glanced at Tylard. He no longer looked murderous, but his stony expression revealed no emotion. Tylard took a minute to untie Brent and Tyler, then coil the ropes. “We have breakfast for you in our room,” added the Queen. She and Tylard left, followed by Tyler and Brent.
Over a delicious breakfast of oatmeal, eggs, sausage and potatoes, the Queen updated them on the new situation. “This may come as a surprise, but there are worse things than the Evil Overlord’s pending war.” Tyler and Brent nodded, since it was. What could possibly be worse than civil war?
“In an attempt to gain absolute control of The Island, Garrod has summoned a Dragon. She is apparently not satisfied with overthrowing each of our governments. She gathered a team of powerful mages, and they summoned the strongest Dragon their magic could command. Unfortunately for everyone, their magic could only bring it here. Extremely powerful Dragons are hard to control, obviously, and my Intelligence has told me it left the Capital for the northern mountains as soon as it was summoned.”
Tyler was dumbstruck, “Of course that happened, what on earth did they expect?”
The Queen nodded in agreement. “Garrod has become foolish in her irrational fear of not being in control. She is afraid of everyone, unless she controls everything,” she said bitterly. “This incident with the Dragon epitomizes it.
“Right now, the Dragon is content harassing small northern villages, and living in the mountains. This delicate balance will not last long. I am informed that it has already begun moving south, and will soon begin attacking larger cities. Garrod and her mages and powerless to stop it, as are all our armies.
“However, we are not completely defenseless, I possess powerful magic,” her eyes flitted briefly to Tyler, and he realized that she knew what he had sensed. “And as a group of fighters,” she indicated the other Elves, “We have the martial skills to overcome the Dragon. Combined with my magic, we have the chance to succeed.”
“Intense,” said Brent.
“Very,” replied the Queen.
“Well,” said Brent, “We resisted the Evil Overlord because her scheming threatened to destroy The Island. We will extend this resistance to helping you defeat the Dragon.” Tyler nodded his agreement.

[Nurvingiel]

“I would not have told you all this if we didn’t think you would join,” said the Queen. “That is one of the reasons we trust you, and I have further insights into your character.” She looked again at Tyler, and he wondered how much their brief connection had told her, and what her magic could do.
“Another dimension is, though we knew you were a member of the Evil Overlord’s assassins, you did not behave like them. You had a few opportunities to make a move, which you did not take, and some of your conversations indicated you weren’t trying to kill me,” the Queen added calmly.
“We would, of course, have foiled those attempts,” Tylard added. Tyler gave him a small nod of respect. He could see the skill and determination in this man. Tylard gave him a barely noticeable, friendly smile.
“When do we leave?” Brent asked.
“We will stay here one more night to organize our newly delivered supplies,” the Queen explained. “We’ll journey towards the northern Human city of Baakaraine as a small caravan of traders. There, we will leave the road to journey to the mountains. That area is so sparsely populated, I’m sure we won’t encounter any trouble… from humans. Our information is that the Dragon’s lair is relatively near the foothills.”
The Elves busied themselves repacking their supplies. One of the guards approached them with a pile of gear. “I’m Liseffla,” she introduced herself. She looked to be in her early twenties, and was the same height as Brent. Her dark brown hair was tied back in a wavy ponytail. She dumped the supplies in front of them. “You have your own stuff, but I doubt you’re prepared for a journey into cold, icy mountains. Here you have furs, down sleeping bags, snow goggles, ice axes, crampons, and ropes.” Apart from the fur mitts, cloaks, and hats, Brent and Tyler had never seen such equipment. The rope was different from what they were used to as well. Liseffla added that they would be taught how to use all the equipment once they reached the mountains.
Brent and Tyler went back to their own room for their packs. Brent paused at the alcove at the end of the hall. He quite liked the old desk and its dusty books. Besides the strange books they had been looking at the night before, the lower shelf was filled with books on science that he recognized. The subjects were either chemistry, biology, physics or astronomy. One of them was pretty far-fetched, a volume called “Pye Arche’s Theories on Suns and Stars”. Tyler came out with their two packs, handing one to Brent.
“This is all our stuff, we didn’t really unpack much,” Tyler said ruefully.
“At least we’re staying one more night, then we can have a comfortable sleep. In an actual factual bed,” added Brent as they returned to the Elves’ room.
“We can only hope.”

Tyler and Brent did have the luxury of a comfortable bed that night, and woke up feeling cheerful and well-rested. Upon squaring up their bill with Johnson, they found out that he was one of the Queen’s main suppliers. This partly explained the inn’s prosperity. Outside, the horses were each laden with a pack, and four large saddle bags. Tyler and Brent recognized their own packs, and went to make friends with their new mounts. Tyler checked the saddle bags, which all sensibly contained extra fodder for the horses. One saddle bag was the exception, being full of coarse salt.
“Well, horses do like salt,” he said, slightly puzzled. An Elf approached him, and Tyler was pretty sure her name was Elkeriann.
“That’s our fake trading good. Since it’s valuable, we don’t need to burden ourselves with wagons. It’s also useful in magic, which is really why the Queen wants it,” she said. Elkeriann left to tend to her own horse.
Tyler was very impressed with his mount, a bay mare. All the animals were large, shaggy war horses. Tyler’s horse also proved to be nimble and agile when she sidestepped him as he tried to mount.
“All right look,” said Tyler firmly and quietly, “I am getting on. You are staying put.” Tyler knew his horse wasn’t afraid of him, and didn’t dislike him. She was simply testing Tyler, to see who would be the boss on the journey. Tyler was determined that it would be him, since otherwise riding would be abjectly miserable. He stepped forward smoothly and planted his left foot in the stirrup. As he swung into the saddle, his mount didn’t move. Tyler patted her neck in thanks. The Elves were already familiar with their horses, and were waiting on Tyler and Brent.
Tyler couldn’t get over the good fortune of their meeting with the Elf Queen. They had earned a modicum of trust, and were traveling with her party. It was well worth facing uncomfortable night and a potentially lethal situation. Tyler guided his horse next to Brent’s as they started down the road.