Eärniel's short stories

[Earniel]

Originally Posted by tolkienfan

I liked it Eärniel. It was good. But the ending! I want to read more. Did Randolph and Morgan really die? What happens? I think you could really go with this.

Well, the stairs was destroyed, and they were quite close to the explosion when it happened, so I'd say chances for survival are near unexistant unless there's more to the Order than they've revealed so far. And thanks for the corrections.

Originally Posted by Lief Erikson

You might be amused by how completely off-track I was as to where the story was going .

Admittingly, that's a bit what I aim for. I try to insert in each of my short stories an unexpected element or plot twist.

Originally Posted by Lief Erikson

I was pretty tense throughout most of the earlier part of the story out of concern that Randolph might be a madman who was successfully misguiding Morgan. That concern kept me tense until Max's dragon identity was revealed. After that, I was dancing a bit between the possibility that Max was good, as Max was arguing, and the possibility that Max was living up to her name and being simply devilishly clever in her attempts to deceive her enemies. If it was the latter, I was thinking she might successfully get the T-Shirts distributed by convincing Morgan and Randolph (or maybe just Morgan) that she actually was not bad, and thus through them unleashing a reign of terror on the world by her trickery.

Now there is an interesting twist. I forgot the readers don't know dragons exist in this story-universe until Emalaxrys is revealed. Clearly, I could have gone in many interesting directions. There's maybe a germ of a future story there, although not necessarily one tied to this one.

But my knowing you personally helped me to stay on course some during that final conversation. I knew you loved environmentalism, so as I was listening to the good environmental messages coming out, I suspected that really Max was honest.

Ack, I hate it when I let too much of myself show in a story, it always catches me by surprise. Although environmentalism was not intended as a mayor theme here. For Fabric Dragons I wanted a story with no bad guys, just a set-up with two sides, both essentially good (or at least thinking they're doing the right thing) but at the same time utterly irreconcilable so it can only end in violent conflict. I find such situations are rather common in the real world.

Originally Posted by Lief Erikson

I think what you wrote about the setting and location was well written and helpful, but like you noticed, it did tend to drag some.

Are there specific sentences or paragraphs that you found to be too slow?

Maybe just revealing that Max is a dragon and a good one in the first scene would be a good idea. That would grab readers right from the start and keep people like me from considering so many alternative plotlines to the one you intended . The conclusion would not be easily predictable, but that would help me to stay with the story better. [...]

Interesting scenario, although I fear it would take a massive rewrital to get that effect right. So I think I'll pass, but thanks for the idea nevertheless.

Originally Posted by Olmer

You definately have a talent for writing. Don't stop, you are good at it!

Thank you. I don't entend to stop. This is too much fun.

Originally Posted by Tessar

Some of the dialogue was a little awkward, but other than that I didn't notice anything. It was fantastic!

Thanks, Tessar. Which specific dialogue or lines did you think was awkward?

Originally Posted by tolkienfan

I still can't figure out if Emalaxrys was really good or not, and if you aren't going to make a sequal you might want to make that more clear, unless you purposely left it up to the reader.

I didn't want to take sides in the story. It seemed interesting to leave the decision of who's right and wrong up to the reader, personally I couldn't decide. But a sequel is currently not planned. If I ever write about Randolph or Morgan it is likely to take place before this one.

Originally Posted by Curubethion

The only thing...did Emma survive because the poison was intended to kill dragons, not humans?

That's the reason I was thinking of when writing. But there are more possibilities. I didn't specify exactly where in the chest Emma was shot nor when she was found. If the shot was deadly, maybe she was found in time to saved. It's also equal possible that the shot wasn't lethal (I doubt Randolph had that much experience with shooting people) and that he simply assumed the poison would do the trick regardless. At the point I didn't want to draw too much attention to the specifics of the shot wound to keep the surprise that she survived for later.

[Tessar]

Aaaaaargh! I can't stop thinking about this story!

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

I hate, hate, HATE short stories (that are good) because they're ALWAYS OPEN ENDED. >.< Argh!

What will happen? Aren't there more dragon hunters out there? Is the girl going to be able to handle the dragons when they come to her? What about the ones that are already hatching from previously sold t-shirts?

... I want mooooooore.

I was thinking about this thing all day yesterday while I was driving home from school, and all this morning while I was at the gym.

[Rían]

As per Eärniel's request, here's a thread for comments

[Rían]

English comments

"Would you like some tea? The water’s just cooked.�
(English comment - prob. "boiled" is better - "cooked" isn't used that way for water)

“Do you think it’s a bit egocentrically, if you’re proud to come on telly..."
(egocentric, not egocentrically)

“Oh look, it’s starting.� He added while pointing to the TV-screen.
(punctuation - should be "Oh look, it's starting," he added while pointing to the TV- screen. The way you have it, with a capital-H "He", you have a sentence fragment.

"The majority of shops has now disappeared or stands empty"
(verb tense error - since "shops" is plural, you need to use "they", so it's "(they)have now disappeared" and "(they)stand empty")

"we both live close-by ..."
(should be close by - no hyphen, because it's not modifying anything)

"So people only learn of us through mouth-to-mouth advertising. "
(heehee! This was cute - made me think of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! Although your expression isn't incorrect, the usual expression is "word of mouth" )

"...and no future of any importance safe to live out the last few years of his life in solitude and silence. "
(I think you mean "SAVE to live out? as in "except"? unless I misunderstand your meaning)

ok - I read up to the first "~~~" - very well-written so far! Interesting and lively Good job!

[Rían]

oops *embarassed*

I just noticed that comments were at the end of the story!

(I was copying the "discussion for..." thread for the other story)

[Earniel]

Originally Posted by Tessar

Aaaaaargh! I can't stop thinking about this story!

Um... sorry? I'll take it like a compliment.

Much thanks for the corrections, RÃ*an. Don't worry about the thread, I know most people use one for the story and one for the comments; but since the story is finished, I don't mind having the comments in the same thread. So I merged them together.

[Lief Erikson]

Originally Posted by Eärniel

Admittingly, that's a bit what I aim for. I try to insert in each of my short stories an unexpected element or plot twist.

Naturally, and that's great.

Originally Posted by Eärniel

Now there is an interesting twist. I forgot the readers don't know dragons exist in this story-universe until Emalaxrys is revealed. Clearly, I could have gone in many interesting directions. There's maybe a germ of a future story there, although not necessarily one tied to this one.

You know, I think that that's my problem. I found those alternate possibilities more interesting than the way the story actually turned out. There's nothing at all wrong with the way the story turned out- the conclusion is great. It's just that my anticipating something that would to me have been more interesting and then not having those expectations met was a little disappointing. Not all readers will react the same way, of course.

And there's nothing wrong with the story ending the way it is. It's an excellent conclusion. To carry with it the way it is, I think there could be some adjusting of the way it's structured, just to keep readers from becoming distracted by the alternate endings and more focused on the questions you actually mean to build tension about, the real issues of the story. I think you could keep the readers more on track by revealing in the very beginning of the story that there is a real, good dragon.

You wouldn't have to show, actually, whether this good dragon is Max or Emma. Just showing that there's a real, good dragon in existence would help erase those other possibilities.

Or . . . maybe you could actually also leave it unknown whether the dragon is a good or a bad one. If you made Morgan or someone else ask the unanswered question to Randolph very early in their first scene, even though he'd stomp on it immediately, that would put the question in readers' minds in a way that indicates to them that this is the direction the story is going, even if they don't know for sure how you'll answer the question.

Originally Posted by Eärniel

Ack, I hate it when I let too much of myself show in a story, it always catches me by surprise. Although environmentalism was not intended as a mayor theme here. For Fabric Dragons I wanted a story with no bad guys, just a set-up with two sides, both essentially good (or at least thinking they're doing the right thing) but at the same time utterly irreconcilable so it can only end in violent conflict. I find such situations are rather common in the real world.

Sometimes that's true, yes. And other times, both sides are terribly wicked. That's at least as common. It's so horribly complex . I've wanted to write a story that portrays this too, and I intend to do so eventually.

Originally Posted by Eärniel

Are there specific sentences or paragraphs that you found to be too slow?

It was really just the first scene. The one where Emma and Max meet up and start watching TV. That isn't a very exciting scene, and it's really good to grab the readers right from the start and hold them.

That's part of the reason I was suggesting revealing that there was a dragon right from the start, perhaps also opening more consideration of the possibilities she's good from Morgan (ideas Randolph flattens as absurd) so that readers might think the same way and thus be more satisfied when you end the way you do. That along with the possibility of better focusing the readers' attention on the questions you mean them to think about.

Originally Posted by Eärniel

Interesting scenario, although I fear it would take a massive rewrital to get that effect right. So I think I'll pass, but thanks for the idea nevertheless.

It would take some rewriting, that's true. Mainly just of the first scene, though, and that's pretty slow anyway and I think could do with some speeding up anyway. Max's identity wouldn't have to be revealed, and neither would the dragon's being good, I can see now that I've thought it through a bit more. You wouldn't actually have to do anything else with any of the other parts except perhaps adjust Randolph and Morgan's conversation some, to open the question from Morgan (squashed at once, of course, and probably Morgan also convinced by Randolph that no, the dragon is certainly evil) of whether or not the dragon is good.

Forgive my running away with this idea in this way . These are of course just some thoughts for you to do what you like with. Just some suggestions. Don't feel like I'm pushing you to take them .

And I do really, really like the story the way it is . I don't want these thoughts to seem to undermine that main comment. It's really, really good writing and a neat story and conclusion. I very much like it.

[Tessar]

Originally Posted by Eärniel

Um... sorry? I'll take it like a compliment.

Oh absolutely. o.O

This. Story. Be. AWESUM!!!!!!! :d

[Earniel]

Originally Posted by Lief Erikson

It's just that my anticipating something that would to me have been more interesting and then not having those expectations met was a little disappointing. Not all readers will react the same way, of course.

Hm, I think the thing is that you prefer stories that have more twists, foul play and backstabbing than I can fit into a short story.

Sometimes that's true, yes. And other times, both sides are terribly wicked. That's at least as common. It's so horribly complex . I've wanted to write a story that portrays this too, and I intend to do so eventually.

True, but I think stories with two evil sides don't work very well. Usually there's little for the reader to connect to, or to make them interested in the proceedings. Good sides doing evil things could work, but evil against evil is not something I'd be interested in reading.

It was really just the first scene. The one where Emma and Max meet up and start watching TV. That isn't a very exciting scene, and it's really good to grab the readers right from the start and hold them.

Thanks, I'll have a look at it again. I'm not going to bring the dragon already in there, but maybe I can smoothen it a bit better so it doesn't drag.

Forgive my running away with this idea in this way . These are of course just some thoughts for you to do what you like with. Just some suggestions. Don't feel like I'm pushing you to take them .

No no, it's always interesting to see what others would have done with the story. It's just that I hope you're not disappointed when I decide not use the suggestions.

[Lief Erikson]

Originally Posted by Eärniel

Hm, I think the thing is that you prefer stories that have more twists, foul play and backstabbing than I can fit into a short story.

I think we just have different writing styles. Which is only natural- I know of no two people who write the same way.

Originally Posted by Eärniel

True, but I think stories with two evil sides don't work very well. Usually there's little for the reader to connect to, or to make them interested in the proceedings. Good sides doing evil things could work, but evil against evil is not something I'd be interested in reading.

I personally really liked the movie "The Godfather", so I think bad vs. bad can also be done well. But somehow they evade letting you hate the bad guy main characters in that movie. Maybe that has something to do with it.

I really, really like certain villains. Richard III is one of my top favorites. Him and Emperor Palpatine. I also really like the main character in the "House of Cards" television drama, who is a complete villain.

Good vs. good can also be done very, very well though. And good vs. bad, obviously.

Originally Posted by Eärniel

No no, it's always interesting to see what others would have done with the story. It's just that I hope you're not disappointed when I decide not use the suggestions.

No, that's fine . It's your story .

[Noble Elf Lord]

A grrreat story. I really liked it. Perhaps I am not cynical or critical enough, but I liked the whole story. Well... if you want some criticism, then perhaps you should have told a bit more about the Dragonslayers. Maybe giving a clue of how they hunted the dragons in the Middle-Ages and after that, you know, to see how that has changed over centuries. I think it would add a nice and interesting piece of detail. Can´t really criticise you about the grammar, since English isn´t my mother tongue, but the mistakes were minor. Please continue the story!

[Rían]

Second part:

English:

"...The cat’s got your tongue?� He asked testily as ..."
(should be small-h "he" )

"what is it exactly what you sell"?
(should be "that" you sell)

so choosing dragons was a bit obvious as starting point.� Emma said.
(comma instead of period after "point". I know, weird!)

"different cultures to know that dragon can awe and strike a chord"
(should be dragonS)

"dragons were cruel bastards that loved nothing more than torch towns"
(than TO torch towns, etc)

"despite the no-smoking-sign on the wall "
(should be no-smoking sign)

"Morgan’s eyes swivelled briefly from the Randolph to the sign
(take out "the" in front of "Randolph")

"“Most people don’t know for real, kid.� Randolph said while a thin, blue cloud cringled from "

(comma, not period, after "kid" - also, don't know what "cringled" is ...)

"has always striven to keep their dragon slaying activities "
(dragon-slaying)



Other - nice characterizations of the two dragon-slayers

[Earniel]

Thanks, RÃ*an. (man, I missed a lot of errors...)

Originally Posted by RÃ*an

(comma, not period, after "kid" - also, don't know what "cringled" is ...)

Oh, dear. Obvious Dutchism. Should be 'wreathe' instead, I think.

[Rían]

Originally Posted by Eärniel

Thanks, RÃ*an. (man, I missed a lot of errors...)

oh, no worries - after all, it's your second or third language or so ...


Oh - one non-grammar-type thing - the white blood was interesting, but it made me think of plants. Maybe yellowish blood? Amber-colored? Something more like fire? Just some thoughts - take 'em or leave 'em

[Earniel]

I'm happy to announce that the story has received a Mod's Choice when I posted the story on Elfwood. Thanks a lot you guys, for helping me iron out the errors.

[BeardofPants]

I could have sworn that I made a comment on this story, but apparently not. I really enjoyed reading it when you posted it. Congrats on the kudos!

[Tessar]

OMG YAY!!! Well deserved!!! This is an awesome story. I still pop back over and read it from time to time, cuz it's just good.

[Earniel]

My short story got accepted for the January issue of the EMG-zine!

With much thanks to Willow for one thorough and speedy proof-reading. (Any mistakes still in the story are solely due to my re-writing bits afterwards.)

[hectorberlioz]

Congratulations! I am off to read it at this moment .

EDIT: A nice story.

Perhaps my analyzation is weak, but apparently Tara was able to prove to her mother that gymnastics were not so useless afterall. But it took a bit of hallucination for her to be able to do what she did.

PS: You know, putting stuff in spoiler tags makes for a hard read.

[Jonathan]

Originally Posted by Eärniel

My short story got accepted at the EMG-zine! It can be found here, but you can check out the rest of the monthly e-zine too. (Link will only remain active during January, will host story elsewhere afterwards.)

With much thanks to Willow for one thorough and speedy proof-reading. (Any mistakes still in the story are solely due to my re-writing bits afterwards.)

Congrats Eärniel! I gathered that EMG-zine is currently showing an interest in bulls and oxes, due to the Chinese zodiac sign (though the Chinese Year of the Ox won't actually begin until the end of January ).

Bull Dance is an enjoyable short story. Visiting ancient Crete is nice, whether it's by reading Greek myths or one of Eärniel's writings Did you get your inspiration from a personal visit to Crete? I was first kind of surprised that you didn't let the bull dance take place in Corsica. I mean, seeing as you have like a special relationship with that island. But then, in prehistoric times the Cretans amused themselves with leaping over bulls, didn't they? Much more so than the Corsicans I suppose. (But I bet present-day Corsicans wish their cars could leap those darn cows that insist on blocking the roads! )

The Year of the Ox happens to be my zodiac sign. Being an amateur sinologist, I thought I'd give the Ox some special attention this year. Maybe by wearing a red ribbon at times like the Chinese do, or eat less beef meat, or whatever

Yeah, that's just me rambling.